112 - No Wet, Wet, Wet...

Well the weather is definitely turning now; it is noticeably colder and wetter than it was just a few weeks earlier. With this in mind I went through my old golf bag to check the condition of the gear I have to see if it is still up to the job. It didn’t take long to realise that some of my kit is not only unfit to use but would be rejected by Oxfam.

The main culprit is my bargain basement Dunlop rain suit which I picked up last year as a quick solution to the problem of the great British weather. In Italy they have a saying; ‘temporary solutions become permanent quickly’ and this is definitely the case when it comes to the shoddy little shell suit I bought from Sports Soccer last year.

On paper (and in the shop) the Dunlop suit ticked a lot of boxes. It was waterproof, it was black, it was lightweight, they had it in my size and, most of all, it was cheap. Buying it was a bit of a no brainer at the time, in hindsight I wish I had used the auld grey matter just a little bit more.

The main problem with the Dunlop rain suit I bought is that it isn’t waterproof. Ok, so it isn’t a top end Gore-Tex garment designed to repel a tsunami, but this thing isn’t even shower proof.

In fact if it is worn in any weather you get wet as it doesn’t stop the rain from getting in or allow the moisture from your body to get out. The long and short of it is that the suit is close to useless so I decided to by a better one.

The normal online emporiums were bursting at the seams with waterproof jackets, pants and complete suits at vastly reduced prices.

The problem with most of these garments was that they were last season’s stock that they couldn’t sell. Now I’m not so snobby that I won’t buy clothes because it isn’t this year’s designs but I do draw the line when they come in vile pastel colours.

There were endless FootJoy DryJoy jackets that had up to 70% off the RRP; all of them baby blue and some beige/magnolia blend – horrible. I was desperate for a quality suit (or just jacket at a push) but I wasn’t going to settle for something in a colour that could be compared to baby vomit or stomach bile.

I spent a long time searching and was about to give up when I stumbled across an Adidas rain suit (above) on eBay. It was brand new, had a decent ‘Buy It Now’ price, was in my size and, most importantly for me, come in plain old black. It arrived the other day and is absolutely fantastic as it fits like a glove, is actually waterproof, has special breathable material and looks great. Job done.

111 - Quote/Unquote...

My most common mistake at St Andrews is just turning up. - Mark James

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. - Jim Murray

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. - Henny Youngman

Southern Hills, Tulsa 5th - This hole is 614 yards. You don't need a road map for this one, you need a passport. - Jay Cronley

I only see Charley Pride when we get to the greens. Charley hits some good woods - most of them trees. - Glen Campbell

Corey Pavin is a little on the slight side. When he goes through a turnstile, nothing happens. - Jim Moriarty

I have never led the tour in money winnings, but I have many times in alcohol consumption. - Fuzzy Zoeller

I played so badly I got a get-well card from the Inland Revenue Service. - Johnny Miller

Perhaps if I dyed my hair peroxide blonde and called myself the 'Great White Tadpole' people would take more notice of me. - Ian Woosnam

I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game. It's called an eraser. - Arnold Palmer

110 - Golf Shorts: Ernie Els / Monty Plots / Solar Power / Michael Jordan...

Ernie Els will be recognised for his work promoting golf and South Africa when he is honoured through a series of tournaments in his name. The 2010 Vodacom Business Origins of Golf Tour is part of Southern Africa’s Sunshine Tour and one of the themes will be Ernie Els. The competition is a six-tournament series of pro-am tournaments, with entry being strictly invitation only.

Each year the Sunshine Tour honours icons of the game and has in the past paid tribute to the likes of Ben Hogan and Gary Player. Next year it is Els who will be a fitting star as he is a triple Major Champion, former world number one, and seven-time World Match Play champion.

Els said “It’s an incredible honour for me that my achievements in the game are going to be recognised in this way. I’ve spent most of my life flying the South African flag on fairways around the world, and I’ve always competed to the best of my ability as a proud South African sportsman. It’s very satisfying to know that this is going to be recognised in a series such as the Vodacom Business Origins of Golf Tour.”

The six tournaments will, where possible, be played on Ernie Els-designed golf courses or courses suggested by him, and will also help to raise funds for the Els for Autism initiative. Last year Vodacom Business Origins of Golf Tour raised £250,000 for various children’s charities through its Birdies for Kiddies campaign where the Vodacom Foundation donated £40 for every birdie made by a professional on the series.

The 2009 Vodacom Business Origins of Golf Tour already made a significant contribution to charity through its Birdies for Kiddies campaign, whereby the Vodacom Foundation donated R500 to various children’s charities for every birdie made by a professional on the series. In 2009, over R3-million was raised for this campaign.

It looks like Ryder Cup captain Colin Montgomerie is trying every trick in the book to ensure victory for the Europeans in next year’s competition at Celtic Manor. The man cruelly dubbed Mrs Doubtfire is hoping fellow Scot Sir Alex Ferguson will teach him how to handle a dressing room full of superstars.

"I want to arrange a meeting with Sir Alex - I want to pick his brains,” said Montgomerie. "He is the best man-manager and gets the best out of players. Being Scottish, he still has drive and ambition.

"I would like to learn how to get the best out of the players. Not necessarily when it is going well, it is easy then. But when we might come in down after the first day, that is when it is most important."

Expect to see Montgomerie kicking shoes at Serigio Garcia, screaming at the match officials while furiously pointing at his watch and turning up late for the first round after being stopped by the police for driving up the hard shoulder and telling them he had no choice as he was literally shitting himself. I for one cannot wait.

I like to have a moan on this blog about the latest and greatest technological gadget but for one I have found one I don’t mind giving some praise to. Sebonack Golf Club in Long Island has become the first U.S. golf course to implement solar technology for golf carts. 39 of its 40 carts have been fitted with solar panels designed and engineered by Danish company SolarDrive.

It is estimated that the solar panels save $4 per day per cart in electricity costs and while this may not sound a great deal, extended over the life of the cart the savings start to rack up. It isn’t just the $160 per day savings that are important to the course owner Michael Pascucci, it is estimated it will reduce Sebonack’s consumption from the electric grid by 50 to 75 percent.

Pascucci explains: “Power costs are very expensive on Long Island, we’re saving minimum two-thirds on the amount of electricity [being used]. Why not take advantage of the free solar power we have on Earth? I don’t know why everybody isn’t doing this.”

The panels are retro-fitted onto the golf cart and once out in the sun can be fully charged within an hour and easily go 18 or more holes. A sensor underneath the roof provides instant feedback on the amount of solar energy the panels are receiving. If it’s a sunny day, the cart constantly charges even while being used. But even on a cloudy day, a fully charged cart will have enough energy to go one full round.

“You can’t miss with these carts,” continued Pascucci. “It’s a really positive thing for our members and their guests to see that they’re riding around on the sun’s power and reducing their carbon footprint. The bottom line is…it was the right thing to do.”

And finally...

Basketball legend Michael Jordan has landed himself in trouble with the PGA after being snapped puffing on a cigar at Harding Park Golf Course this week. The picture appeared in the San Francisco Examiner and city officials asked the PGA to remind the basketball star that there is no smoking allowed on public golf course, including Harding Park.

"I've already sent off an email to the PGA Tour director," city recreation and park general manager Phil Ginsburg told the Examiner. "It was sort of a gentle nudge reminding them that smoking is illegal and that we would appreciate their support."

Jordan could face a $100 fine if he is caught smoking on the course again. This will be a major concern for the man whose personal fortune was recently estimated at a staggering $800million.

109 - Consistently Consistent...

I can now confirm that my new found golfing powers were not through some ‘the stars were in alignment’ fluke but are down to practice, hard work and technique. That’s right boys and girls, I said technique! I have finally managed to work out how to hit a ball straight and long. It has only taken me 12 months, and it is restricted to my irons, but it is true.

I visited the driving range last night eager to see if I could replicate the shots I was finding at the weekend and I’m pleased to say that I could. Both my 5 iron and 7 iron shots went, on the whole, straight and true and for the first time ever I could see the difference in the flight of the ball using different clubs which genuinely excited me.

People who can play may scoff at my joy at seeing shots from the 5 iron flying lower and further than those from the 7 iron but when you can’t hit the ball consistently things like that are just something you read about in Golf Whine Monthly. All the hints and tips about course management like suggesting hitting a more penetrating shot with a longer iron to stay below the worst of the wind etc is a viable option if you hit the ball consistently. For the first time ever, I have that option.

I met Lucky at the range and showed him the new set up technique I had been using to see if it worked for him. Initially it made no difference whatsoever but not long after he was pinging the crappy yellow range balls high and straight into the noticeably cooler feeling night air. I’m not sure if it was my expert tuition or just that he was in the groove but he was firing them well.

As we were both hitting the irons well we had our first game of the yellow basket challenge in months. The idea of the game is simple; get a ball in the yellow net about 150 yards away in as few shots as possible. Sally Gunnell’s are allowed (ugly runners) and the winner is the first person to find the target in 12 balls or less. To cut a long story short I managed to find the net after about 6 balls with all my other shots peppering the target nicely. Proof of improvement.

As always, I didn’t just bring my gorgeous irons. Against my better judgement I decided to give my MX-560 driver another chance. I’ll admit I was slightly better with the big dawg than usual but still nowhere near as consistent as I would like to be, a fact highlighted when I borrowed Lucky’s Nike SQ Sumo² 3 wood (above) and hit shot after satisfying shot long and straight into the still night sky. Lesson learned, I’m sticking with my F-60 3 wood for the time being.

Before we left I let Lucky try my MP-57’s while I had a little knock with his SQ Sumo Irons. The difference in the clubs was quite marked. My clubs felt heavier and more solid but his were easier to hit. One thing we both commented on was that when the ball was hit sweetly both clubs felt fantastic which is exactly what we are both aiming for. Who knows, with a bit more practice all our shots could feel like that.

108 - Glorious...

I woke up on Sunday relatively hangover free despite going to a lovely dinner party in a friend’s house (fantastic homemade meal, wine and bubbly around the table – we even had candles and napkins!) so I decided to visit the driving range to blow off the remaining cobwebs before going to the match to scream abuse at a load of overpaid Nancy boys who don’t deserve my continued support. Ahem...

Like just about every time I have ever been to the range, it was raining. Not only was it raining but it was blowing a gale too which only helped accentuate my cripplingly bad beginners slice. I warmed up with a few bombs from my 3 wood (I’ve all but given up on trying to tame my driver for now). All was good with my new weapon of choice from the tee but it was my iron shots that impressed.

When I go to the driving range I try to simply hit the same shot twice (immense ambition eh?) Consistency is the key to decent golf apparently but for the last year or so the only thing consistent about my shots is their inconsistency. At the weekend I had an epiphany as I successfully managed to hit the same shot over and over again.

I worked out how to set myself up the same way each time to produce a repeatable shot – the casual observer may have thought I knew what I was doing! Time and time again I hit my 5 iron long, straight and true. I could even pick out a spot and hit it. This may not sound like a big deal to those of you who can play golf, but for me it was the equivalent of monkeys using tools for the first time.

Just to check it wasn’t a fluke I tried the same thing with my 7 iron and found I could use that properly too! The frustration, anger and depression I had suffered at the hands of this son-of-a-bitch game melted away with each glorious, straight down the middle shot. I went through about 50 balls with a gormless grin on my face.

With my confidence soaring I moved on to my 52* wedge knowing that I was now an international ball striking legend. Things didn’t go as well as I had hoped as I discovered that I had completely lost any skill I had with wedges with my lovely little MP-R (above) taking a bit of a pounding as I slammed it into the mat with regular and bone juddering regularity. It took a lot of effort to get the ball in the air at all but it eventually came back to me.

I walked to the car happy that I now have something to indicate that all the practice, all the effort all the frustration wasn’t in vain. For the first time in 12 months I could say that I had something approaching a repeatable swing – something to build on and refine. I’m going back to the driving range later to confirm that the Sunday morning session wasn’t just a fluke.

107 - Down And Dirty...

The one regular visitor to this little corner of the internet may have noticed there has been a lack of updates over the last couple of weeks. The reason for the lack of content is down to the fact that I haven’t actually done anything golf related. There was no playing, practicing, buying or even obsessing via the internet and Golf Whine Monthly. It has all gone quiet over here.

I had big plans to play a round last week but I did something to my neck and couldn’t move it properly which scuppered that, although in hindsight having an injury which forces my head to keep completely still could have helped my game I reckon – there is nothing worse than topping the ball because you are looking to see where it has gone before you have actually hit it!

Looks like the round will have to wait until later this week. To be honest, I need to get the driving range before I even attempt to tee off on the local track as I haven’t swung the wrenches in weeks (not that I was any good in the first place you understand but not practicing the limited skills you do have does tend to add insult to injury). It is official; a brief refresher in the subtle art of slicing the ball is in order.

Like I said in a previous post, I’m determined to enjoy this round even if it kills me (I know, I know, that is a massive contradiction). I’m not going to bother about shooting a particular score I’m just going to get out there in the fresh air and whack a load of Srixon’s up and down a moderately manicured field on the outskirts of the town with the intention of having a laugh. If I manage to hit the odd good shot or fluke an occasional par it’ll be a bonus.

I was talking to Lucky (my partner in crimes against good golf) and we were laughing about how much money we have spent on golfing equipment and how little time we have actually spent using it. We estimated that we have spent around £1,500 between us on clubs, woods, wedges, bags, trolleys, shoes and clothing yet we have played about 10 times. It doesn’t matter how you dress it up, that is a massive waste of money.

No, we need to get out there and start losing balls, getting soaked through to the bone and getting our pristine (and in the case of my Mizuno’s, gorgeous) clubs covered in mud, sand and water. That may sound a little weird to people who don’t play but it makes perfect sense to me now.

106 - Seventh Monday Rant - Rangefinders...

I’ve had a rant about technological overkill on this little corner of the web before but I feel the need to have another pop at it. An integral part of golf is selecting the correct club to leave an easy shot from the fairway or a sinkable putt on the green. This knowledge comes from experience...unless you have a couple of hundred quid in which case it will come from a laser.

Rangefinders are the latest and greatest weapon in the war against golf. They come in a few configurations but all give a very precise reading of the distance to a selected target. Before swinging a club the player who has shelled out the cash can know with absolute certainty how far a hazard is down the fairway and how far the pin is from the tee.

Part of golf’s attraction is the fact that it IS difficult and it does take time to get to grips with. How satisfying is it hitting a shot perfectly, getting the ball to fly just right and then watching it land neatly where it was aimed? Using a rangefinder eliminates the guess work when selecting a club, making the shot that bit easier.

Advocates of this new gadget will point out that rangefinders (left) should speed up the average round with players not wrestling over club selection as much but it is a knap that owners will use the time saved ensuring their precious Bushnells are tucked safely inside their protective cases.

In the long term it can be argued that the rangefinder owners will gain the experience needed to look at the distance to the flag and have a good idea of what club to use much quicker than players who use trial and error, but if you have a device which will tell you what you need why bother using your own judgement? Players won’t waste their time learning, they will simply reach for the rangefinder.

There will be players out there who would rather use a rangefinder and finish with a lower score – after all, golf is supposed to be enjoyable and nothing increases your enjoyment like recording your lowest ever score on the local track – but lowering my score this way just doesn’t sit right with me.

For me rangefinders are just another example of quick-fix golf along with things like woods that can be adjusted to change the flight of the ball. Skill and practice is replaced by engineering and electronics with the big winners being the equipment manufacturers and those who have money to waste on the next big thing.