Rob's Adventure In Golf

181 - Bitten By The Bug...

2011-04-03T23:49:00.003+01:00

Well, it has been five months since I updated this little corner of the web, the reason being it has been five months since I even looked at my bats (other than to move them out of the way when trying to get to stuff in the spare room that is). All that changed today though.

My lovely, lovely fiancée bought me a lesson at a local driving range for Christmas. Bag of balls, hour lesson, tea and coffee – all very civilised. To be honest, I wasn’t looking forward to it but I’ll hold my hands up and admit I enjoyed it a lot more than I should.

The day started with mission Gok Wan would have loved, picking the perfect outfit to wear for such an auspicious occasion. I forgot just how much kit I have bought over the last couple of years. 20 minutes later I was bedecked in white Oakley polo, black Oakley pants and an ace Puma jumper (below). I looked the part if nothing else.

Time to dust off the bats (literally). I took my driver, 5 iron, 7 iron and 52* wedge – a pretty varied selection for the Pro to assess me on I thought.

I removed the massive, fluffy kangaroo head cover from my driver incidentally, replacing it with the standard Mizuno one. Big coward.

Richie and me arrived at a shoddy looking site that looked like it was in serious need of a makeover.

We learned later from the Pro that the place had just been taken over and had been stripped ahead of a complete renovation and expansion planned in the next couple of months.

The accommodation may have been poor but the instruction was very good. The Pro recorded my swing as I went through my paces with the 7 iron and spotted immediately why I sliced the ball so much and why my distance is restricted. Apparently I have noisy hands and an active left foot. 5 minutes of instruction later I was bombing balls straight and true. Result.

I spent the next hour watching the ball mostly sail where I wanted it. I wasn’t completely cured but I was hitting the ball straighter, further and more consistently. That hour has just rekindled my desire to play and improve, I’ve definitely been bitten by the bug again…

180 - Oh So Right...

2010-10-25T12:19:00.004+01:00

The regular reader of this crappy little blog will know that I have a thing for Mizuno. For me they are a perfect blend of technology and design yet don’t fall into the trap of appealing to the club captain at the local private course. I like the fact that they aren’t as popular as the likes of TaylorMade, Callaway and Ping, makes me feel smug owning a set.

I realise that by getting all smug and elitist about my gear plunges me into the depths of golf snobbery, something I rant about often on these pages. Yeah, I can be a hypocrite as well as a bit of a pompous bastard. Anyway, I digress, Mizuno are my current object of desire and their new range is trouser tighteningly good.

The JPX800 and JPX800Pro are latest in a long line of great looking ‘game improver’ clubs from Mizuno that work as well as they look. Mizuno made their name by producing beautiful grain flow forged blades and the new MP53 and MP63’s continue this tradition with ease. It is fair to say the new high end clubs so pretty they could be on a teenager’s bedroom wall.

The new MP-630 range of drivers and fairway woods aren’t quite as stunning at the new clubs but what they lose in looks they make up in performance. Mizuno have honed the Hot Metal face technology to make the new big sticks the furthest and straightest ever produced by the company.

MX-700 hybrid is now joined by an all new direct long iron replacement in the shape of the MP Fli-Hi designed to fit the shape and flight characteristics of the other clubs in the MP range. The all new MP-630 CLK compliments the rest of the 630 range of woods to complete the hybrid line up.

Another area where Mizuno traditionally excel is in wedges. The Japanese company are famed for producing buttery soft feeling chippers that provide plenty of spin and feel around the green. The latest offerings include the updated MP T-11 with its quad cut grooves and the JPX Series wedges designed to complement the rest of the JPX range.

Also available are two different ranges of putters, the traditional MP range and the more contemporary Line 90 range. Mizuno decided to produce their own putters after working closely with Bettinardi in the past and now offer something for everyone. The MP’s come in three classic shapes while the Line 90 employ five designs names after volcanoes!

Finally there is the new range of limited edition Aerolite X bags (above) which come in a number of loud designs and colours. One thing is for certain about this range, you will not be missed on the course, definitely one for all the Ian Poulter wannabes out there.

Overall I think that Mizuno have got it spot on once again. Their equipment is primarily designed to work on the course but they have the knack of making their kit look so good. The new blades are stunning, the putters a revelation and the bags an eye opener. Why don’t all the other manufacturers get it this right more often?

179 - Manga Ads And Sk8erboi Bags...

2010-10-22T17:38:00.008+01:00

I’ve been looking at Mizuno’s new marketing and I’m a little confused. Their latest adverts depict a Manga-like, cartoon character playing like a hero with their stunning new JPX800 clubs. The advert is very cool, really interesting and will make no sense to anyone over 40 which is a risk seeing as this is probably Mizuno’s core market.

Kudos for the Japanese wand maker for having the stones to fly in the face of convention and produce a marketing campaign that doesn’t feel like it has been bought off the shelf from an expensive London advertising agency; I’m just worried that it may be money wasted.

Mizuno look like they are trying to tap into and actively encourage the emerging young golfers market which can only be a good thing in my opinion. Making golf cool will draw in the next generation of Ryder Cup stars and might even force a bit of change in the local clubs.

I believe that the sooner the stuffy Pringle Set lose their overbearing control over golf the better as some of the hoops that new players need to jump through to play on a half decent course are too much like hard work.

I have a niggling doubt about this advertising campaign though. I doubt that enough kids will see the adverts and be persuaded that far from being a game played by fat, middle-aged men in BMW’s, golf is actually a really enjoyable sport that requires skill, mental toughness and stamina. I think Mizuno agree which is why they have a secret weapon; a new bag!

Actually it is a range of Limited Edition Aerolite X bags that look like they have been designed by Avril Lavigne and Tony Hawk. They are very loud, very colourful and almost guaranteed to cause a heart attack on the first tee at Private Members only courses up and down the country.

The change of direction in terms of advertising and producing more ‘yoof’ oriented equipment gets my hearty seal of approval, I just hope that Mizuno don’t alienate its core demographic and get its fingers burnt as a result.

178 - It's Yer Money I'm After Baby...

2010-10-20T15:48:00.007+01:00

After the last article about my mate having around £200 to spend on his new obsession I got thinking about what he could buy if money were no option. I realise that there is probably no limit to how much that could be spent so I decided to have a poke around my favourite online emporium; www.onlinegolf.co.uk to see what my mate could get without a lottery win.

Driver: TaylorMade R9 SuperTri TP - £340. This driver, which combines Moveable Weight Technology and Flight Control Technology with 3 moveable weights in a 460cc head, marking the ultimate unification of TaylorMade’s major driver technologies with maximum size to deliver enormous distance and forgiveness from the tee on the golf course

Fairway Wood: TaylorMade R9 TP Fairway Wood - £215. This fairway wood has a new classically shaped clubhead, similar to the R9 Driver, which looks fantastic at address, and with TaylorMade Flight Control Technology, you can change the club into 8 different positions to optimise your performance on the golf course.

Hybrid: TaylorMade Rescue TP 2009 - £165. A shot into the rough can be saved with this essential addition to your golf bag. With an extremely low centre of gravity for an easy launch, and Ultra Thin Wall technology for greater weight distribution, this is a club every golfer needs to recover from a misplaced tee shot.

Clubs: Yonex Golf 3I Nanospeed (right) - £783. By incorporating the Isometric Face and 3D Power Weight system across the iron set, these irons now offer a greater sweet spot and substantially increased forgiveness from the clubface. The long irons feature an innovative wide cavity and long sole which pushes the centre of gravity deeper into the club head for a higher launch. In contrast, the centre of gravity is progressively shifted closer to the club face across the mid and short irons to provide a more accurate feel and enhanced distance control.

Wedges: Callaway Golf X Series Jaws Wedge (below) - £85 each. This astounding wedge benefits from aggressively-sized MACK Daddy Grooves, which have been designed with maximum conforming width and depth grooves to give you shot-stopping control and spin, and enable you to take aim from virtually any lie on the golf course.

Putter: TaylorMade TP Agsi Kia Ma Putter - £225. This marvellous putter is 100% milled from 304 stainless steel to ensure every detail is rendered beautifully and perfectly; has adjustable Micro-Moveable weights to change the putters’ weight and customise the feel to suit your preference; and an AGSI+ Titallium face insert to negate backspin and promote forward spin to provide great roll and control, as well as a soft and solid feel.

Bag: TaylorMade TMX T2 Cart Bag 2010 - £180. A total of 10 pockets, including dual accessory pockets and a velour-lined valuables pocket, give this bag space to store everything you could possibly need on the golf course, from spare golf clothing to a number of golf balls in case your round doesn’t go quite to plan! With a golf towel clip, integrated golf umbrella sleeve, and Fast Action Snap Technology accessory compatible, this magnificent golf bag ensures your golf accessories are always within easy reach.

Trolley: Clicgear Cart Trolley Version 3.0 - £180. Clicgear offers a full sized three wheel golf pushcart that glides smoothly down the fairway and yet still folds up incredibly small. At only 13 x 15 and 24 when folded, it won’t take over your car trunk or garage.

Balls: TaylorMade Penta TP Dozen Golf Balls - £35 per dozen. This is the first Tour golf ball to feature 5 solid layers, with each layer engineered to optimise performance in five key shot categories that skilled golfers need. The 5 layers of Penta TP golf ball include the core, inner mantle, middle mantle, outer mantle and cover, and each of these plays a critical role in optimising the performance of each of the five key shots.

So there you have it, driver, fairway wood, hybrid, clubs, wedges (x2), putter, bag and ball. Total for that admittedly pretty awesome kit? A whopping £2,293! That doesn’t include clothing, an electric trolley, rangefinder/GPS or a brolley!!! My friend’s £200 looks even more pitiful now.

177 - Starting All Over Again...

2010-10-19T13:09:00.007+01:00

I received a text from a mate last night asking what clubs I owned as he was thinking of taking up golf. I was excited naturally – another lost soul to trudge around a muddy field with, both of us aiming with perfection but settling for a decent lie in the rough or a favourable bounce on a frozen green.

I explained to him that what he should do is get a budget and then buy the best he can afford. I asked him how much he was hoping to spend and was told he would go up to around £200. I know in his head this sounded like a substantial amount but we all know that it is a pittance in the real world of golf.

I told him he would struggle with such a small budget as he needs a driver (or fairway wood), a utility club/hybrid, a half set, a wedge, a putter, a bag, a trolley and a pair of shoes for starters. I know he could probably save a few quid by ditching the hybrid, wedge and trolley but it is still a lot of equipment without a lot of cash.

I suggested a starter or a second hand set would probably be the way to go until he committed to the game whereupon he could invest in some serious golf porn.

A quick look on eBay shows all manner of clubs in various conditions and a few starter sets from companies I’d never heard of (although I did see a set from Wilson which ticked all the boxes).

He asked for some club suggestions so he could do some ‘window shopping’ so I sent him links to some of the wilder super game improver clubs.

He was impressed by the Nike SQ Machspeed, the Callaway Diablo and TaylorMade’s new Burner set (in fact he commented that the clubs looked too good to use – a good sign?)

If he gets into the game he will no doubt be looking at a set of super game improver clubs unless he is a bit stupid and buys a set of blades like I, erm, did. In my defence, they were the most forgiving blades that Mizuno produced at the time with a cavity back, great workability and movie star good looks. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it…

I might see if I can get my mate on board the Mizuno Express too. The Japanese club wizards have just brought out the stunning looking JPX800 aimed at the high handicap player which would be perfect for him. Another member of the Mizuno Mafia would be more than welcome.

176 - Big Winners...

2010-10-18T12:49:00.004+01:00

So the Ryder Cup was eventually won by Europe. Well done Monty and the boys, you did the continent proud (well most of you – yeah I’m looking at you Molinari brothers – grrr). Not trying to sound too cheesy here but the big winner in my opinion was the game of golf itself.

When Celtic Manor was chosen as the venue for the 2010 Ryder Cup a lot of eyebrows were raised. Was Europe playing into the hands of the USA by selecting a course with a distinctly American feel to it? Surely it would have been more beneficial to select a gnarled Links course that the American’s would struggle with?

I hindsight Celtic Manor was a fantastic choice as it gave both teams the opportunity to win making it a contest worth watching…once the rain had stopped, obviously. It was a brilliant idea to hold a major sporting event in Britain in October, brilliant idea. The torrential rain on Friday meant that the competition finished on Monday – the first time this has happened in its history.

Some of the golf that was played was stunning, Luke Donald, Ian Poulter, Rickie Fowler and of course Tiger Woods played brilliant shots at various times throughout the weekend.

Woods produced a vintage round on Monday to remind us all why he has been the world number one for so long.

After all the games, all the drives, approach shots and putts the competition came down to the final game on the final day (but not quite the final hole). Graham McDowell (above) held his nerve, Hunter Mahan fluffed his lines and the trophy returned to Europe with a hole to spare.

Queue scenes of elation in South Wales echoed around Europe by golf fans and new converts alike. Twitter was throbbing with messages starting “I don’t usually like golf but…” as none golfers got caught up in the emotion and excitement of the spectacle taking place at Celtic Manor.

Colin Montgomerie was humble and reserved as the celebrations started; Corey Pavin looked on the verge of tears. The passion and excitement of the final day did so much good for the game, especially here in Europe, we love winners in Europe!!!

175 - Kanga-cool...

2010-08-26T21:44:00.007+01:00

When I first started this blog I wrote about designing my own little logo after seeing a Titleist advert showing how different Tour players mark their Pro V1’s (the point they were trying to make was that with so many players using their balls they had to mark them so there was no confusion – clever and smug, I approve).

I came up with some initial designs and eventually settled on my own stylized little kangaroo. The kangaroo incidentally comes from a nickname I got in college years ago so I thought it would be as good a thing as any to use for my logo seeing as it was quite unusual.

With my little stick figure ‘roo designed and refined I started drawing it on my golf balls. The problem is, golf balls have dimples and I don’t have a template or guide so getting the logo on the ball means me drawing it freehand which invariably means it goes all wobbly.

No, the only option is to get someone else to put the logo on for me which means looking to the professionals.

A quick look on the Internet shows there are lots of companies that will print text or images onto a golf ball for a relatively small charge.

Thankfully there is usually a wide choice of balls to select from too so I’m not going to be lumbered with my little logo plastered on something that is effectively a plastic covered stone or something that has all the flight characteristics of a house brick.

I asked my brother-in-law who is an all round smart arse when it comes to design to transfer my logo from a back of a napkin scribble into something that a printing company can use. After a couple of hours he had whipped up my professional looking little logo (above). I’m genuinely impressed!

Now that I have my design I intend to get it put on a box of Srixon AD333’s as soon as possible. I’m also getting it put on a couple of polo shirts too; there is a company that will embroider it onto an Adidas Climacool and a Nike Dri-Fit for a couple of quid extra.

Give it a couple of weeks and I’m going to look the part…or an utter, utter cock.

174 - Square One...

2010-08-17T21:31:00.006+01:00

I made my return to golf tonight after a 3-month lay off when I popped along to the driving range at Aintree after work. I was looking forward to swinging the wrenches after such a long gap but as soon as I picked up a club I realized all was not well.

Going on the wise and sage advice from Golf Whine Monthly, I took a number of clubs to allow me to practice a variety of shots instead of just bombing little yellow balls up the range off the face of my driver. With that in mind I took my 3 wood, hybrid, 7 iron and 58* wedge – suitably varied methinks.

The thing I love about my 3 wood is that it has a stiff shaft and is a lot more consistent than my driver. Unfortunately the only thing consistent about my performance with the 3 wood today was its inconsistency (isn’t that a shit cliché? I feel ashamed.)

For every good shot I dragged out of my Mizuno F-60 (left) there were two or three that veered violently towards the fence to the right confirming that my battle with the newbie slice was far from over in fact you could say I was losing the war – badly.

It was a similar story with my hybrid. I did my research before buying the Mizuno MX Fli-Hi, all the reviewers creamed over the clubs forgiveness and performance. I must have a warped one as I struggle to get the thing to do anything remotely useful.

It wasn’t all doom and gloom though, my 7 iron worked beautifully. Going back to the reviews, the word often used when describing the feel of the clubs is ‘buttery’ and I now know what they mean. Catch the ball just right and it glides through the air effortlessly.

I finished the session with a few chip shots, simulating the little approach shots from around 50 yards. The 58* wedge wasn’t perfect for this as it launched the ball higher than the distance it travelled down the range. The ball flew delightfully into the air before coming down covered in snow and landing a few feet away.

I trudged out of the driving range and slumped in my car, I was knackered, frustrated and annoyed. Despite all the practice I had put in over the last 18 months it seems that the 12 weeks lay off has done for me. I’m now back to square one. Maybe it is time for some professional help…

173 - A Win/Win...

2010-08-13T18:28:00.003+01:00

Check me out; I’m a big winner!!! I buy a fair bit of stuff from onlinegolf.co.uk and they have a monthly competition where you can submit a review from one of your purchases and if it is good enough you win £100 in vouchers for their site. I submitted a review and it was good enough!

I wrote on here recently about the excellent Oakley Squares sunglasses that look great and work superbly. That article was pretty much the review I sent in to onlinegolf, which as it turns out, they loved. Kerching! I’m a ton up boys and girls.

I write on this blog all the time but it never actually occurred to me that my fevered rantings could make any money (or vouchers in this case). Never the less I’m now reaping the rewards of my literary ability (either that or it was a slow review month at onlinegolf.co.uk).

So, I’ve now got a 100 nuggets burning a hole in my pocket, well actually I haven’t, I’ve spent them already! You know me, I’m a sucker for shiny, new things so I was straight onto the website, perusing all the lovely, lovely gear they had to offer.

What would it be? A Ralph Lauren polo shirt or two? How about some sexy Galvin Green waterproof goodness? Oooh, what about a bit of technological pornography in the shape of either a Bushnell range finder or a Garmin GPS system? With so much on offer I made the obvious choice, a trolley.

Now I know that a trolley doesn’t sound the most glamorous of purchases (especially when you hear it isn’t even electric) but it something that I really need. I could make do without another polo shirt or another waterproof and to me using rangefinders or a GPS system is simply cheating. No, a trolley it is.

As we speak there is a fabulous Sun Mountain Micro Golf Cart (above) winging its way to me. This little four-wheeled beast is, according to the reviews, fantastic so I took the plunge and ordered it. Expect a full review once I get my sweaty little paws on it.

172 - An Unfortunate Sight...

2010-08-12T23:57:00.005+01:00

I mentioned in a previous post that I now have a beautiful Kangaroo from Daphne’s adorning my Mizuno driver. My lovely, lovely fiancée highlighted the fact that if the cover isn’t turned the right way the cute image is completely shattered (below)!!!

171 - The Best A Man Can Get...

2010-08-11T23:08:00.003+01:00

Tiger Woods is so important to golf, golf magazines, golf blogs and golf sponsors that the fact he has decided to grow a little goatee beard (below) is now news apparently. Is this how far we have sunk, chattering like housewives because he decided to sport some facial hair for the WGC Bridgestone Invitational at the Firestone CC?

I get irony, I realise that by talking about this subject not only am I continuing the cycle but I’m actively promoting the debate but come on, how is some hair on Eldrick’s chinney, chin chin news worthy? Apparently it is, apparently it is almost a big deal.

I hope that this beard is a not so subtle F.U. to Gillette who decided to “limit Woods’ role in marketing” when his extramarital manoeuvres with a gaggle of women made it into the public domain. I hope he is showing Gillette that he is limiting his use of their products by not shaving his chin!

Now that he is damaged goods why not annoy more sponsors and make a few bob? Tag Heuer are one of his main supporters but why not be filmed smashing up an Aquaracer before signing a deal with James Bond’s watchmaker of choice, Omega? Who knows, they might knock him up one with a laser range finder in it or something.

EA’s Tiger Woods games are, quite simply, fantastic but that doesn’t mean there isn’t scope for change. Why not get a load of EA produced discs and smash them off a tee in front of the world’s media then sign a deal with Nintendo to get Shigeru Miyamoto (Donkey Kong, Mario, Zelda etc) to produce a fresh, new, cartoony, puzzle laden version of the game.

Tiger’s most prominent sponsor is Nike and the partnership has been very successful but maybe it is time for a change. In the current climate I have absolutely no doubt that TaylorMade-Adidas Golf would be first to snap Woods up, shackling him to a deal so comprehensive that the 34-year-old would be contractually obliged to get three stripes tattooed down his arms.

Back in the real world we all know that there is absolutely no chance of anything like that happening. Woods will continue to smile at all the right events, wear all the right clothing and use all the right equipment. If the goatee is a tiny rebellion then the great man has gone up in my estimation but chances are he just fancied a change.

170 - Recline In Style...

2010-08-10T13:14:00.007+01:00

So I am the proud owner of a pair of expensive Oakley sunglasses. They are sexy, designer wrap around shades that work brilliantly and look the absolute dogs danglies. I bought them to be used exclusively on the golf course but now I’m having second thoughts.

You see, because they are so nice and sexy and expensive I’m terrified that they will get damaged or lost as I hack my way around the local municipals which kind of defeats the point in me getting them I suppose. It also means that I’m still blinded by the sun whenever it bothers to peak from behind a cloud.

I needed a back up plan. Ideally I wanted a pair of cheap, good looking, designer shades that work as well as the Oakley’s but cost a fraction of the price so that I wouldn’t be heartbroken should they get crushed in my bag or left near the 15th green. Step forward the Sundog Recline’s.

Sundog, while being a big name in the sunglasses world, aren’t quite the giants that Oakley are, a fact reflected in the price of their products but certainly not the quality.

The company produces excellent eyewear for golf, cycling and baseball with a number of big name sport stars on board.

Golf stars Paula Creamer, Hunter Mahan (recent winner of the Bridgestone Invitational at Firestone Country Cluband) and Mike Weir have long running deals with the company and all have their own range of designer eyewear. I’m not a big enough star to have my own range just yet so I have had to make do with a pair of off the shelf.

Maybe ‘make do’ isn’t the write thing to say as the Recline’s are superb. I’ll be honest, they are not as good as my Oakley’s but they were considerably cheaper, coming in at just £10 for a pair of well designed, well made shades. At that price the fear that they will be damaged or lost is all but eliminated too.

I was so impressed by the glasses that once I had worn them for a couple of hours I immediately bought a second pair in a different colour. I now have them both tucked safely in my golf bag should the sun finally make an appearance this summer.

169 - Completely Owned...

2010-08-09T11:37:00.004+01:00

It is a sad day for cool golf boys and girls. International bright young thing and golfing heartthrob Camilo Villegas is leaving Cobra Golf and joining TaylorMade-Adidas Golf (TMaG). I know, I know, I’m in bits too, I'm a man on the verge.

Puma recently announced that they had purchased Cobra Golf as part of their commitment to strengthening their growing and successful golf business and I was I was looking forward to seeing the combination of the two brands being strutted up the fairways by Camilo.

But my hopes have now been dashed as the three-time winner on the PGA Tour has signed an exclusive deal with TMaG that will see the Columbian completely decked out by his new sponsors from top to bottom.

It has been reported that this years The Honda Classic winner will play TaylorMade clubs, a TaylorMade ball, wear TaylorMade headwear, wear a TaylorMade glove, use a TaylorMade staff bag and wear Adidas Golf footwear. That is as close to being owned by a company as you can get I guess.

Mark King (not the bass player from Level 42 but the president and CEO of TMaG) said: "Camilo is a winner, a gentleman, and a fan favourite. Cameras tend to find him because he has presence and magnetism that's impressive and rare.”

‘Spiderman’ will join other TaylorMade Tour Staff including Darren Clarke, Sergio Garcia, Retief Goosen, Dustin Johnson, Martin Kaymer and Justin Rose. The deal is seen as a bit of a coup for TMaG as the 28-year-old is one of the most recognizable and cool players on the PGA Tour right now.

I’m genuinely a bit gutted that that one of the most charismatic players on the Tour has declined the chance of working with one of the more innovative and interesting golf manufacturers. I’m a fan of Adidas Golf too though so there could be some Villegas inspired goodness making its way into my wardrobe I suppose.

168 - Quote/Unquote...

2010-08-08T11:08:00.003+01:00

Sammy Davis Jr. hits the ball 130 yards and his jewellery goes 150. - Bob Hope

(On refusing to use a long-handled putter) If I'm going to putt and miss, I want to look good doing it. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

(On John Daly's driving power) Man! I can't even point that far! - Gay Brewer

Handicap: a device for collective bargaining on the first tee. - Anon

If you want to take long walks, take long walks. If you want to hit things with sticks, hit things with sticks. But there's no excuse for combining the two and putting the results on television. Golf is not so much a sport as an insult to lawns. - National Lampoon

(On being asked, before his final round, what he had to shoot to win the tournament) The rest of the field. - Roger Maltbie

Time can run backwards if there's a woman on the course. - Henry Beard

To be truthful, I think golfers are overpaid. It's unreal, and I have trouble dealing with the guilt sometimes. - Colin Montgomerie

Some of these legends have been around golf a long time. When they mention a good grip, they're talking about their dentures. - Bob Hope

The more I practice, the luckier I get. - Gary Player

167 - Cuddly Toy Impaling…

2010-08-07T14:13:00.007+01:00

I’m turning into that which I despise. I’ve gone out and bought myself one of those novelty driver head covers. I feel a twat to be honest, not because I’ve bought a cuddly toy I intend to shove my 460cc Mizuno driver up but because I like it (the cover not the stuffed animal bestiality you understand).

Now I know that a lot of the pros have cute animal head covers, most notably Tiger Woods, but it just doesn’t seem right when I see muni-hackers with a brightly coloured parrot in their bag, impaled by a Callaway Diablo driver. Despite this I couldn’t resist getting myself a cute-as-a-button Kangaroo.

My little logo (which I’m very proud of incidentally) is a blue kangaroo so I hit the Internet hard to see if there were any companies that produced kangaroo head covers in the correct hue – bit of a long shot but if you don’t check you’ll never know. Now I know, they don’t make them.

After some research I found that the number one company for creating novelty head covers is Daphne’s “Cover Your Driver Before It Knows What Hit It” – nice. They are responsible for the cute Tiger covering Eldrick’s Nike VR Tour Driver once he has stopped smashing it into the turf after another wayward shot.

I searched their site and found that they do indeed make a kangaroo! Unfortunately it is the wrong colour for me but they can do custom orders so my luck could still be in. I emailed them via their temperamental web form asking if I could order a slightly modified kangaroo and waited for their response.

There was good news and bad news in the sugar coated reply I received from Lori at Daphne’s. Yes they could knock out a little blue roo for me but as it was deemed to be a custom design there was a minimum order requirement of 500 units.

There are a couple of problems with ordering 500 blue kangaroo’s namely I don’t actually need 500 and at £7,500 it is a bit on the expensive side.

With the custom order option removed I went for a regular kangaroo from Daphne’s, magnificent in it’s brown and creamness (above). I’m now officially a part of twatdom where muni-hackers wander around with stuffed animals on their clubs and do you know what, I don’t give a shit.

166 - Ugly Betty...

2010-08-05T20:18:00.005+01:00

Ping has decided to help us mere mortals with an all-new range of easy to hit, forgiving woods and clubs. The K Series is squarely aimed at the game improver end of the market, which is fine, but they have also sneaked out a new set of wedges and putters that is really giving me a lump in my shorts.

Lets start with the K Series first. The new set is typical Ping, well designed, beautifully made and ugly as sin. What is it with Ping designers; it is like they try to make their equipment deliberately unpleasant to look at. Dark metal club heads finished off with silver and maroon don’t do it for me at all.

The colour is continued across the family to the driver and fairway woods where it is a little more successful. The fact that the top of the woods is dark and miserable keeps the focus on the ball and not on the horrible looking club about to hit it.

If you like that colour combination then the Scottsdale Wolverine putter (left) might be right up your street.

I’m still not crazy about the charcoal/maroon scheme but the design is fantastic I reckon. I’m a sucker for this type of ultra forgiving, crazy looking putter.

Finally there is the new Tour-S wedge that is totally devoid of maroon in any way shape or form.

The club comes in chrome and what Ping toe-curlingly calls Rustique that thankfully looks a lot better than it sounds. It is one of those great wedges that rust over time to produce more spin.

Colour and design preference is a very personal thing and I don’t think Ping have got it right with the K Series kit but you know the performance will be spot on. The company has a long history of knocking up some of the best equipment I just wish they would make their stuff a little prettier.

The new kit should be available now from all good retailers (and the rubbish ones too).

165 - Strike Two...

2010-08-04T17:19:00.004+01:00

I wanted a shirt to help me stay cool and dry on the course (when I haul my carcass down there), look cool and dry on the course but I didn’t want something too obvious. With that in mind I bought myself a couple of Oakley Strike polo shirts.

Why the Oakley Strike I hear no-one scream? I’m glad you didn’t ask! The polo’s are made from clever materials; they are well designed and not only were they well priced but were available as part of a 2-for-1 offer at onlinegolf.co.uk. Seemed like a bit of a no brainer to me.

So how do they work? I’m glad you didn’t ask again! Well, the surface of the shirt is woven into a small hexagonal pattern and, according to the bumf, it is constructed from a material that is breathable and incorporates moisture wicking properties to help evaporate perspiration. Interesting.

Also, thanks to some clever technology, you remain odour free. I’ll believe that when I see it (or not smell it I suppose).

After every round I am sweating like a glass blowers arse so if this bit of kit can help me keep dry and fragrant I’ll be impressed – or I’ll be wearing an Always Ultra I suppose. Ahem…

The other thing I really like about these shirts, and Oakley shirts in general, is that they fit me properly. Oakley is an American company and I’m build like an American these days which is usually a pain when it come to buying clothing, but not with this firm.

These are all season shirts too. The polo’s are light enough to be worn over a base layer or under a jumper so they can be worn in autumn when it is freezing, winter when it is freezing, spring when it is freezing or summer when it is, erm, freezing. I like this versatility.

Choosing Oakley instead of the more obvious manufacturers is a subtle way of standing out but a more obvious way is to buy the shirt in Brilliant Blue like I did (above). The colour is so loud it will give you tinnitus at a range of half a mile, which is my favourite thing about the top.

164 - Quote/Unquote...

2010-07-31T16:18:00.002+01:00

(Offering playing advice) Lay off for three weeks, and then quit for good. - Sam Snead

This is the 12th, the green is like a plateau with the top shaved off. - Renton Laidlaw

Gerald Ford - the most dangerous driver since Ben-Hur - has made golf a contact sport. There are 42 golf courses in the Palm Springs area and nobody knows which one Gerald Ford is playing until after he has teed off. It's not hard to find Gerald Ford on a golf course - just follow the wounded. - Bob Hope

Bob Hope says I have made golf a combat and contact sport. But I know I'm getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators. - Gerald Ford

(After missing a very long putt) I was on the dance floor, but I couldn't hear the band. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. - Henry Beard

(On designing golf courses) Every hole should be a difficult par and a comfortable bogey. - Robert T. Jones

Pebble Beach is so exclusive even the Samaritans have an unlisted number. - Peter Dobereiner

When I tee the ball where I can see it, I can't hit it. And when I put it where I can hit it, I can't see it. - Jackie Gleason

A golf course manager is the keeper of lawn order. - Erica H. Stux

163 - From Florence With Love…

2010-07-29T14:16:00.011+01:00

Watching the British Open recently I noticed that Robert Karlsson’s clothes had a big symbol on them but I couldn’t make it out. I assumed it was his own logo as a lot of the players have their own design to identify their brand but it turns out it is the mark of exclusive clothing designers, Conte of Florence.

Conte of Florence are well know on the continent but have kept under the radar in Britain which instantly makes me interested in them (I am a bit of a snob after all). The company produces clothing for skiing, sailing as well as golf, all with that typical Italian flair.

Their gear is on the expensive side but I guess you get what you pay for, in this case it is a designer Italian garment that is seldom seen on the courses of Britain - I would pay a little more for the exclusivity the brand provides.

Interestingly the company hosts a mini golf competition in Florence every December where sponsored players hit balls from the famous Ponte Vecchio bridge down onto floating greens in the Arno river.

There are only a few online stockists selling Conte of Florence clothing (other than a eBay seller in Lithuania with designs I cannot find anywhere else on the Internet – hmmm) so I think it is going to be difficult getting my grubby little hands on some of that sweet Italian fashion.

162 - National Treasure?

2010-07-28T15:40:00.005+01:00

There is a new, multimillion-pound Golf and Country Club opening just 6 miles away that piqued my interest so Richie and me decided to check it out. The course in question is the North West National GC, expected to open this summer in Rainford near St. Helens.

According to the disappointing official website the venue will provide “the service you’d expect in America, the laid back attitude and the relaxed atmosphere of Spain or Portugal and the hospitality of the Irish”. That is all well and good but is the course worth playing?

Plans for the parkland course started in 2004 which has resulted in 22,000 trees being planted and the creation of 12 lakes and nature reserves on the 268 acre site. In addition to the course there is also a 9 hole, par 3 academy course, an 80 bay driving range and a swanky clubhouse.

On paper it all sounds impressive but the reality is, as we found when we visited, a little different.

The course, although open to some, seems some way from being 100% with the fairways and greens needing to bed in (according to Richie’s trained eye), the 9 hole course is very basic, the driving range is uninspiring and the clubhouse is a building site (right).

To be fair, the facility isn’t actually complete so it is a little harsh to dismiss it right now. Once the plans are made into reality the NWN will be a very good venue providing a championship course, a dedicated short course, a Nevada Bob’s golf shop on site and expert tuition from the Glenn Turner Golf School.

At present there is a special introductory offer that will let you become a founder member of the club for just £1,000. Just a grand, doesn’t sound too cheap really but they apparently give the option of providing £500 up front with the remaining balance being paid over the next 12 months.

So for £85 a month I could be a member of an exclusive golf club with state of the art training facilities and fantastic club house that is just 10 minutes away from home. Play a couple of times a week and it works out that I would get all the exclusivity and pomp for the price of playing the local municipal.

161 - Won't Go Blind...

2010-07-27T12:13:00.003+01:00

I love playing in the sun but I’m not a fan of being blinded by it. To save my retinas I decided to invest in a pair of decent sunglasses, which inevitably meant looking to one of the best names in the business, Oakley. If you are going to do it do it properly eh?

I went for a pair of Oakley Fives Squared (below) but was wary of buying expensive eyewear as sunglasses are just sunglasses right? Wrong. The difference between the Fives Squared and my old glasses from NEXT was like chalk and cheese.

Oakley has a long tradition of designing and producing exceptional eyewear and this heritage can be felt in the relatively modestly priced Fives Squared. The Oakley’s seem to fit better than the fashion glasses as they wrap around my face as opposed to sitting on my nose.

But the design isn’t the best part of the glasses, that honour goes to the lenses which block out the harmful, distracting rays providing a brilliant view of the course ahead. Taking them off after wearing them for a while left me dazzled for a couple of seconds, a tribute to the quality of the optics.

The only minor niggle I have with the glasses is the feel of the materials, they seem more plastic than premium but I guess there has to be a compromise somewhere at this price.

Oakley produces a lot of different styles of glasses but what drew me to the Fives Squared was the fact that they look the part both on and off the course. In my opinion some of the more focused designs make the wearer look like a Tour de France competitor missing a bike!

So am I happy with the Oakley’s? Definitely, they work perfectly and are cool enough to wear every day. They also have the smug factor about them that appeals to the anti-snob in me who likes to rub the establishment up the wrong way – always a good thing in my book!

160 - The New Silver...

2010-07-26T18:02:00.007+01:00

It seems that white is the new silver when it comes to putters. TaylorMade have produced a new family of ‘Ghost’ putters that are earning rave reviews in the golfing press and are being used to great effect by the tour pros, most noticeably Graeme McDowell and Justin Rose.

McDowell used the new putter to help him win both the Welsh Open at Celtic Manor and the US Open at Pebble Beach recently with Rose picking up his first PGA Tour win at the Memorial Tournament, which took place at the Muirfield Village Golf Club, Dublin, Ohio, USA.

The Rossa Corza Ghost (to give it its full name) is a stunning thing to behold, from its glorious white finish to its three alignment lines and innovative hole in the head it certainly stands out. Rumour is that TaylorMade have plans to extend the range to produce a Ghost for every player.

One player who obviously likes the idea of a white putter if not the design of the Corza Ghost is Sergio Garcia (right) who has had his usual putter ‘blancoed’.

The Ryder Cup star was spotted at the US Open using a white blade putter sparking rumours that TaylorMade were about to release a white Anser type wand.

According to the manufacturer that isn’t really the case. Garcia, as a TaylorMade/Adidas staff player, asked for a specially produced white version of his normal Rossa Daytona putter and the company duly obliged.

Golf Whine Monthly reviewed the Corza Ghost as part of a 42 club round up and it received a Gold Award, finishing third in the mallet section behind another of the company’s putters, the child scaringly ugly Spider Vicino and the pretty Nike Method 003 (incidentally, the TaylorMade Daytona favoured by Garcia was runner up in the blade review).

The reviewers were impressed by TMaG’s “outside the box” thinking when it came to design and who can argue? Both the Corza and the Spider Vicino are stunning looking creations that work in the real world which is what a lot of us want.

159 - Quote/Unquote...

2010-07-23T00:24:00.002+01:00

Arnold Palmer is the biggest crowd-pleaser since the invention of the portable sanitary facility. - Bob Hope

When John Daly hits an iron he takes a cubic yard of Kent as well. His divots go further than my drives. - David Feherty

A triple bogey is three strokes more than par, four strokes more than par is a quadruple bogey, five more than par is a quintuple, six is a sextuple, seven is a throwuple, eight is a blowuple, and nine is a ohshutuple. - Henry Beard

Golf and masturbation have at least one thing in common. Both are a lot more satisfying to do than they are to watch. - Anon

The only thing gonna stick around that hole (14th at Pebble Beach) is a dart! Yesterday I was on in three, off in four. They oughta put one of them miniature windmills on this thing and charge 50 cents to play it. - Lee Trevino

Golf, like the measles, should be caught young, for, if postponed to riper years, the results may be serious. - P. G. Wodehouse

Trousers are now allowed to be worn by ladies on the course. But they must be removed before entering the clubhouse. - Sign at an Irish golf club

(After hitting two balls into the water) By God, I've got a good mind to jump in and make it four. - Simon Hobday

Hit the ball hard and straight and not too often. - Anon

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. - Tiger Woods

158 - I Don't Get It...

2010-07-22T23:07:00.002+01:00

I like it, I just don't get it.

157 - Under The Weather...

2010-07-22T11:50:00.004+01:00

A couple of days ago I was bemoaning the fact that I couldn’t go out and play golf in the glorious weather due to having hay fever. A quick look outside tells me that it is now just hay fever keeping me indoors as the decent weather has now well and truly disappeared. Ah well, summer was good this year, all two weeks of it.

The local media was in uproar as United Utilities imposed a hosepipe ban on the North West of England. The company blamed the lowest rainfall in 50 years for the ban claiming that the reservoirs that service this part of the country were now at 50% capacity and without significant rain we could be on the verge of a drought.

No sooner had they banned watering your rhodendrums than the weather turned and certainly not for the better. In the last two weeks we have rain broken up by drizzle followed by more rain. Ideal conditions if you happen to be a duck, rotten for the rest of us.

A spokesman for United Utilities was dragged onto the TV ironically in the middle of a downpour to explain why the ban was in place.

He was asked what he was going to do about it (save flying over some Native American’s to perform a rain dance and imposing a hosepipe ban I’m not sure what else he could do).

It seems we have got enough water but if we keep squirting it over our hyacinths there is a chance we could run out despite living in a part of the country renowned for its rain. Even with a Burkina Faso-like rainy season lasting a couple of months the ban will be in place for the foreseeable future.

I should welcome this brief change of weather with open arms. The local courses will get a good soaking which will help soften up the fairways and greens, the rain will get them back to looking their best and the smug bastards who can play in the afternoons while the rest of us are at the coalface will get routinely drenched!

Maybe suffering with hay fever now isn’t necessarily the worst thing in the world. By the time the plants have stopped spewing pollen into the air the weather should have changed again leaving me to reap the rewards of all of Mother Nature’s (and the groundskeeper’s) hard work.

156 - Scotty Too Hotty…

2010-07-21T11:52:00.003+01:00

So after a promising start with his new Nike Method 001 putter Tiger Woods ditched it for his final round at the British Open and went back to his “irreplaceable” Scott Cameron Newport 2. It looks like the Method isn’t the answer after all.

Woods used the Method 32 times on Thursday and 32 times on Friday. The figure rose to 35 on Saturday, which prompted the world number one to go back to the putter that has won him 14 majors and around $90m over the years although it didn’t quite work out this time.

Woods said: "The greens are a little bit faster than they were the first day, I just didn't feel comfortable with my speed, so I went back to my old putter."

Despite only playing 27 putting strokes on the final round with the Newport 2, the three time Open winner finished the day with an even par 72.

This left him at 3-under for the tournament, tied for 23rd, 13 strokes behind Louis Oosthuizen and he was under no illusion what part of his game let him down.

"I drove it great all week, hit my irons pretty good, and I did not putt well except for the first day," said Woods. "I believe I had nine three-putts for the week, so consequently, I'm pretty far down the board."

I guess that is the end for the Method then? The 001 was supposed to give him the edge on slower greens but it never appeared he was more effective with his Scotty Cameron.

I’m not sure what Nike will make of this decision, as they were no doubt hoping to sell thousands of putters to fanboys desperate to look like Woods on courses all over the world but with him ditching their flat stick they are going to lose an awful lot of potential revenue.

155 - Louis The 16th…

2010-07-20T11:50:00.004+01:00

All hail Louis the sixteenth! Actually he is Louis Oosthuizen and he finished sixteen under but that doesn’t sound as good, does it? The little known South African came to St Andrews and blew the rest of the field away with a fine display over the four days.

Oosthuizen shot rounds of 65, 67, 69 and 71 to take the title finishing 7 shots ahead of Lee Westwood in second. He got lucky on the second day when he got a good round in before the weather turned forcing the tournament to be suspended for a short time.

2010 Andalucia Open champion kept his nerve on the final round to ease to a drama free victory “It was unbelievable, said Oosthuizen. “After the 12th it became a bit difficult, having such a big lead, to stay calm and focused, but I’m glad I had an eight-shot lead on the 17th tee!

“I kept cool and calm the whole way but it's probably going to hit me tomorrow or next week what I’ve done.”

The contest was effectively over when the 27-year-old rolled in a 40-foot putt for an eagle on the par four 9th, just as playing partner Paul Casey was starting to apply some pressure.

Before his victory at St Andrews, Oosthuizen had struggled in his previous outings in the Open; in fact he had not made the cut in his last three attempts.

Oosthuizen is the latest South African major champions following Bobby Locke, who won at St Andrews in 1957, Gary Player, who won three Opens in three different decades, three-time major winner Ernie Els, double US Open champion Retief Goosen and 2008 Masters victor Trevor Immelman.

154 - Ship Ahoy!

2010-07-19T10:24:00.004+01:00

How to ruin a golf tournament in one easy step: invite American’s to spectate. Over four days fans respectfully observed the British Open, appreciative of the difficulties facing the professionals as they battled the Old Course at St Andrews. Then the yanks pipe up.

Polite clapping is replaced by the moronic battle cry of ‘in the hole’ when Tiger Woods tees off at the 12th even though the pin is 350 yards away and he is hitting into a 30mph wind. Camilio Villegas’s tee shot was sent on its way with ‘Lets go gators’, bellowed by some dolt from across the pond.

I was so sick to death of hearing moronic screams from American’s every time Woods hit the ball that I ended up muting the TV. The over the top shouts and yelps almost ruined the whole tournament for me.

I was thrilled to see the challenge from Woods fade on the last day, not because I didn’t want the great man to be battling it out to win his third Open at St Andrews, but because I knew the coverage would be focussed elsewhere on the course away from the boorish masses from the other side of the Atlantic.

In contrast to the fans, the American players were polite and respectful throughout the tournament; even the joy vacuum that is Eldrick was humble when he was getting interviewed. Tom Watson was the consummate gentleman as ever; he is an absolute credit to the sport and his country.

The BBC cornered Stewart Cink, Ricky Barnes, John Daly, Rickie Fowler, Mark Calcavecchia and Phil Mickelson over the weekend and all expressed their honor at taking part in a special event at a special venue, they talked about how privileged they felt to be playing there. If only the fans were so restrained.

I’m all for fans cheering on their hero or compatriot but I think it should be done with a degree of respect and humility, something completely missing from the loud mouthed minority that felt the need to howl whenever an American touched the ball at St Andrews.

153 - Quote/Unquote...

2010-07-17T14:27:00.004+01:00

I'm interested in the modern, not the Ancient. There's nothing wrong with the St Andrews course that 100 bulldozers couldn't put right. The Old Course needs a dry clean and a press. - Ed Furgol

If I had my way the social status of professional golfers would be one notch below that of Nazi war criminals. - Andy Lyons, Melody Maker

Soccer is a simple-minded game for simple people; golf is merely an expensive way of leaving home. - Michael Parkinson

A golf player is someone who can drive 70 miles an hour in heavy traffic with perfect ease; but blows up on a two-foot putt if somebody coughs. - Anon

St Andrews 13th (Hole o' Cross Coming Home) - It's a great golf hole. It gives you a million options, not one of them worth a damn. - Tom Kite

Golf balls are attracted to water as unerringly as the eye of a middle-aged man to a female bosom. - Michael Green

Gimme: an agreement between two losers who can't putt. - Jim Bishop

I'm having putting troubles. It's not the putter, it's the puttee. - Frank Beard

When a golfer these days misses a 40-foot putt, he grimaces and agonises like a cowboy struck in the heart by an Indian arrow. - Ben Hogan

St Andrews 17th (The Road Hole) - The reason the Road Hole is the greatest par four in the world is because it's a par five. - Ben Crenshaw

152 - Method From The Madness...

2010-07-16T11:43:00.006+01:00

Massive news in the golf world; Tiger Woods has changed his putter! I know, I know, earth-shattering stuff! Ahem. Ok, so it isn’t the most serious thing in the world but with new sales estimated to be in excess of £28m because Woods has switched allegiances, it is definitely serious to the big manufacturers.

Woods has used a Scotty Cameron wand since 1999, describing it as being “irreplaceable”. In that time he won an amazing 72 titles but since returning to the game after his extra marital manoeuvres came to light he has really struggled on the green. Suddenly “irreplaceable” means “scapegoat”.

The world number one has a lucrative sponsorship deal with Nike that has helped him become the first billionaire sportsman so it is no surprise that the putter he has gone for is the Nike Method 001. Actually, the move to the Method is down to the slower greens of St Andrews apparently.

Woods said: “I’ve always struggled on slower greens. This putter does come off faster with the new groove technology. It rolls the ball better, and rolls it faster.”

The putter (left) has wins under its belt already with Lucas Glover using it when he won in the US Open at the Black Course of Bethpage in 2009.

Stewart Cink stroked his way to victory with it too at Turnberry last year to win the British Open. The most successful player using the new blade is Paul Casey who has won three PGA Tour titles after switching and raves about the Method.

“I fell in love with this putter the first time I used it,” said Casey. “You can really feel the difference in how the ball comes off the face and see the difference in how it rolls. It has really helped my confidence.”

So will the 001 be the missing piece of the puzzle for Woods or is it the act of a desperate man trying to claw his way back to some sort of form? We will see this weekend when the putter makes its first appearance in Eldrick’s bag at St Andrews.

151 - Parkland Perfection...

2010-07-15T14:06:00.005+01:00

Loch Lomond was the setting for the Scottish Open last weekend and what a setting? Anyone who has spent time in that part of the world will tell you just how beautiful it is and the Loch Lomond Golf Club looked magnificent, even in the occasional squall that raced across the course.

From the pristine fairways to the challenging greens the course was inviting the players to attack it while the magnificent parkland setting in the shadow of the Scottish Highlands was an absolute dream for the BBC production team covering the event. From just about any angle the place looked perfect.

The hardy crowds watched politely and respectfully as the players battled the against the changing weather conditions in what turned out to be an intriguing tournament. The course played differently each day as the wind changed direction making every hole a new challenge.

There were oohs and ahhs as Darren Clarke and Edoardo Mollinari jousted for the lead as the likes of Phil Mickelson, Ernie Els and YE Yang fell by the wayside, unable to cope with the challenge LLGC provided – not the ideal preparation they no doubt hoped for ahead of the British Open at St Andrews.

Eventually Mollinari took the title with a three shot lead over likable Clarke who can take some comfort in knowing his performance earned him a place at the British Open this weekend.

Although golf originally started with links courses I much prefer parkland and LLGC is one of the very best out there, to me it is an example of my perfect golf course. Tree lined fairways hugging the shores of a loch with deep bunkers protecting the greens and rough that is actually rough.

If I had a decent lottery win I would scour Scotland for a large piece of loch side real estate (preferably with an imposing Georgian manor house in situ) and draft in a designer who can create my own piece of perfection. It may need to be a Euro Lottery win come to think of it.

150 - Logo-A-Go Go...

2010-07-14T13:45:00.010+01:00

Watching the Scottish Open I noticed how pro golfers are slowly but surely turning into Formula 1 cars. No, I don’t mean they are at the cutting edge of aerodynamics – a look at Darren Clarke and John Daley will confirm that – I’m talking about the way they are covered in sponsorship logos.

I read a while back that the fantastically fashion conscious Ian Poulter was told he could not participate in a competition wearing his Arsenal shirt because the O2 logo on the front of the football shirt was too big yet it seems perfectly acceptable to wear a shirt shot gunned with adverts.

The camera focused on Ross Fisher at Loch Lomond and I was taken by just how many brands he was wearing. He had Al Naboodah and Genworth Financial on the front of his shirt, Under Armour on the sleeves and Titleist, Pro V1 and the Footjoy FJ logo on his cap.

Normally I’d be appalled at this blatant commercialism but I think I can have a little fun with it. I might get some unofficial sponsorship deals in place before the end of the summer.

Who needs a behemoth of construction and investment like Al Naboodah when you can get local takeaway joint Jackymundos (where quality comes first) (left)?

Who needs a banking giant like Genworth Financial when you can have Liverpool’s very own Davy Liver Cabs (708-7080, if you need a cab just let us know, call Davy Liver cabs)?

I can almost see the sneers turning to anger when the Pringle brigade sees my Adidas Climacool shirt resplendent with Bimbo The Magic Clown (an entertainer with a difference) and a Dial A Drink logo (free nibbles with every order over £25).

I did some searching on the Internet and getting a logo on a branded shirt (Adidas, Nike or Glenmuir) will cost less than £5 which will be a bargain if it gets up the noses of the people who take the game much too seriously. I can also get fleeces, waterproofs, hats and umbrellas to completely look the part!

149 - Spores Not Scores...

2010-07-13T13:57:00.005+01:00

There is a lot to like about this time of year; beautiful weather, immaculate courses, yet I’m not playing – hay fever is a cruddy little condition to have. While everyone else is out there whacking TaylorMade Penta’s up and down the fairway I’m stuck indoors with a nose that drips like a leaky tap.

I’m aching to get out there and play, I’m desperate to practice, and I can’t wait to put the things I learned from Terry a few weeks ago into practice but at the moment I’m a slave to pollen. I’ve got eyes like Marty Feldman, a nose like Rudolf the Reindeer and lungs full of spores.

It feels like I haven’t picked up a club for months (even though it is more like a few weeks) and I’m definitely starting to miss it. I’ve cut down on obsessing over equipment and clothing to help stop the cravings but every now and then I find myself thinking about lugging my bats around a field.

The only positive thing from being trapped in the house is that the British Open starts soon meaning I can spend four days watching the best players in the world pounding around the home of golf in glorious high definition.

Oh yes, St. Andrews looking as good as it gets, waiting to crush dreams.

St Andrews is the world’s oldest golf course; they have been playing there for over 600 years. It isn’t the prettiest course on the planet but there is a real pull to the strip of links on the east coast of Scotland. Sam Snead once said: “Until you play it, St. Andrews looks like the sort of real estate you couldn't give away”.

Golf Whine Monthly ran a feature recently where normal players got a chance to play the course ahead of the Open to show just how testing it is. The players were lucky as the weather was good and they still posted rubbish scores, coming away from the course battered into submission.

It is one of my ambitions to play St Andrews but not while I have got jelly eyes and a nose full of snot. I’m more than happy to watch Tiger Woods et all show me how it is done from the safety of my couch.

148 - Fake Update...

2010-06-23T17:31:00.003+01:00

In February I wrote about a guy called Gary Bellchambers who, along with a couple of other people, was responsible for the biggest counterfeiting scam ever uncovered on eBay. Bellchambers and his gang were responsible for over 96,000 golf related transactions through the auction site between June 2003 and March 2008.

The whole enterprise came to a halt after a pensioner reported Bellchambers to the Trading Standards Institute after not receiving a full refund for some tat he had tried to sell to her. The TSI then leapt into action and started Operation Augusta to try and catch Bellchambers and his cronies in the act.

The operation was a success and seven people were arrested. Bellchambers (below) was jailed for four years and three months with his bookkeeper Keith Thomas getting 16 months after they admitting conspiracy to sell or distribute fake goods. A third man, Roy Cottee received 12 months after being found guilty of the same charge with four others receiving suspended sentences.

Bill Adams, Havering Council principle trading standards officer, said: "We are pleased that this gang have got what they deserved.

They made millions of pounds from their operation, selling tens of thousands of fake clubs to people all over the world. Each customer was ripped off by up to £100 per club.

"I've been an investigator for 35 years and never heard of such a massive counterfeiting operation - it was of a scale that has never been seen before."

As I said when I first posted about this, I had a picture of a Del Boy Trotter character, a lovable rogue selling hooky gear from a shed but the truth of the matter is that Bellchambers and his team brought more than six tons of golf equipment into the United Kingdom from Asia before selling it for a massive profit.

Here is another thing, because they have brought so much second rate rubbish into the country it is almost certain that there will still be an awful lot of it doing the rounds on eBay. Keep that in mind the next time you see that ‘too good to miss’ Odyssey Two-Ball putter or TaylorMade R7 driver.

147 - Going It Alone...

2010-06-22T01:18:00.005+01:00

After discovering that Mizuno have been developing golf balls behind my back (naughty Mizuno) I decided to see what else they had been up to in the Land of the Rising Sun. Interestingly they have been creating a new range of forged putters after ending their exclusive partnership with Bettinardi.

Over the last four years Mizuno and Bettinardi have worked closely to produce some of the best precision milled putters on the market but they decided last year to go their separate ways. The decision to split was amicable and Bettinardi have started releasing putters under their own name.

Without the experts at Bettinardi producing their wands, Mizuno returned to what they know best and have now created a range of forged putters.

The partnership with Bettinardi has convinced the Japanese company that a CNC milled face is ideal for producing feel and roll and the new putters are finished with a precision cut front edge.

The new line of putters goes under the MP name to signify they are part of the Mizuno Professional range. There are currently three models, the S101 that is a blade putter, the S102 which is an L type putter (above) and the S103 which is a center shafted small mallet.

As with most products created by Mizuno the new putters look amazing and I’ve got no doubt they will perform impeccably. It looks like there is life after Bettinardi after all.

146 - Only In Asia...

2010-06-16T00:22:00.006+01:00

I’ve noticed that all the big manufacturers produce balls with the exception of the lovely Mizuno…or so I thought. I stumbled across an article announcing that Mizuno’s new Tour ball had already bagged its first win. I beg your pardon, what new Tour ball? Hang on, it sounds like there was an old Tour ball! Why wasn’t I made aware of this?

It seems those clever chaps in Japan have come up with a ball they hope to rival the likes of Titleist’s Pro V1. Mizuno’s new MP-801X ball is a four piece designed for cack handed clowns like myself and tour pros alike thanks to the clever technology integrated into it.

A Mizuno spokesperson said: "In September, Mizuno released its second generation Tour Ball, the first to use the MP or Mizuno Pro pre-fix. Two models have been released - the MP 801 and the MP 801x both with a focus on soft feel, distance off the tee and maximum spin control around the green.

"The MP 801 ball has a soft impact, high resistance cross-ribbed inner core (1) matched with an additional soft high resistance Outer core (2).

The Inner cover (3) is made of soft Ionoma to help control the shape or deformation of the core at driver impact and create the proper amount of spin. The Outer cover (4) is a newly developed rubber elastomer that helps regulate spin and deliver soft feel.

"The MP 801 is the softer of the two tour balls and is aimed at players with a 90+mph swing speed demanding soft feel and spin on their approach shots. The outer cover of the firmer MP 801x ball is a newly developed rubber elastomer that claims to reduce energy loss for those with higher swing speed (98+mph) and faster tempo."

The balls are only available in Asia and Mizuno has admitted there are no plans to sell them in the rest of the world as there are legal and patent issues that have been clarified first (we don’t want another Titleist/Callaway situation now do we children?) I hope that Mizuno pull their fingers out as if their balls are anywhere near as good as their clubs I think they could be on to a winner.

145 - Quote/Unquote...

2010-06-12T01:40:00.003+01:00

If there's a faster way to turn a Jekyll into a Hyde than by handing a man the driver, we don't know of it. - Lew Rushman

Water creates a neurosis in golfers. The very thought of this harmless fluid robs them of their normal powers of rational thought, turns their legs to jelly, and produces a palsy of the upper limbs. - Peter Dobereiner

Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet. - Tommy Bolt

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. - Bob Hope

A Lorena Bobbitt: a nasty slice. - Gary McCord

Lee Trevino is the only man I know who talks on his backswing. - Charley McClendon

The Coarse Golfer is one who shouts 'Fore!' when he putts. - Michael Green

Until you play it, St Andrews looks like the sort of real estate you couldn't give away. - Sam Snead

The only time I talk on a golf course is to my caddie. And then only to complain when he gives me the wrong club. - Seve Ballesteros

(After her tee shot bounced off a tree and nestled in her bra) I'll take a two-shot penalty, but I'll be damned if I'm going to play the ball where it lies. - Elaine Johnson

144 - Belt Up...

2010-06-10T15:41:00.003+01:00

As the strange bloke from Bangkok who reads this little blog will tell you, I’m a bit of a snob when it comes to my golf gear but not in the way you might be thinking. I like playing golf but don’t necessarily like looking like the archetypical golfer; I start to physically heave if I see argyle for example. I try to pull off the ‘smart/casual’ look but with little success.

In the pursuit of fairway cool I have found myself looking at the poncy Golf Punk/Bunkered/Trendy Golf type websites scanning the latest and greatest from the catwalks of Paris, Milan and erm St Andrews to help me stand out from the crowd. Presently the only thing that makes me stand out from the crowd is the ferocity and variety of swear words I employ when I have a club in my hand.

While checking out this seasons must haves for skinny male models who have never swung a wrench in their lives I noticed a fascinating trend; it seems that no outfit can be complete without a white belt. I therefore need a white belt. To be honest I needed a white belt as I went out and bought one much to the amusement of my fiancée who thought the whole thing was hilarious.

Now, I wasn’t brave enough to buy a ‘bang on trend’ J Lindeberg belt so I settled for a snazzy Adidas number.

It is one of those webbing type belts that are thankfully one size fits all as I’m not a skinny male model who has never swung a wrench in my life, far from it as a matter of fact. Just to be on the safe side I ordered a black one too which looks almost as good.

Once I had decided to buy a golf belt I did a bit of obsessing and found that the market for a piece of material for keeping your kecks up is massive. Almost every manufacturer produces a belt ranging from boring black leather to those that glow in the dark with massive, gem encrusted buckles for the golfer that absolutely, positively must look a twat.

I’m keeping my eye on this sector of the golf market as it genuinely intrigues me. I like the idea of standing out a little but I’m not sure about paying over £70 for a strap of plastic with a polished chrome logo from a Scandinavian clothing manufacturer that even some golfers haven’t heard of. “J Lindberg? Wasn’t that an airship that blew up in New York?”

Who knows, I might embrace the fashion completely and get me one of those custom made buckles with my little kangaroo on it made up from Swarovski crystals. Or maybe not...

143 - The White Putter For You?

2010-06-08T23:58:00.011+01:00

I was watching the Welsh Open at Celtic Manor over the weekend (great golf and great result for Graeme McDowell) and noticed one of the Pro’s using what looked like a white putter. After a bit of digging I found club being used, and what a club it is.

It turns out that it is called the Corza Ghost (cool name) and is made by TaylorMade. The white finish has been used to help golfers aim the club easier and comes as a result of experiments TaylorMade did with Dr. Steven A. Hitzeman, a professor at the Indiana School of Optometry.

Dr. Hitzeman said: ”The white putter head stands out so clearly against its background because of the high contrast between white and green. That high contrast maximizes stimulation to the retina and highlights the head's shape and features. The contrast would be lower if the putter was black or grey.

“Many golfers use the leading edge of the putter as part of their alignment strategy, so this high contrast for the leading edge gives the golfer the best chance of squaring up the putter face at address.”

But the help doesn’t just end with the delightful hue chosen by the engineers and the good doctor, there are three black alignment lines on the top and a circular hole in the back giving multiple options when lining up a shot.

"You can focus on the topline to aim Ghost, or you can focus on the alignment lines to visually connect the circular hole and your ball to lock in your aim. The point is that you've got options, each one highly effective." said Bret Wahl, senior director of iron, wedge and putter development

If you are interested in this stunning looking piece of kit then hurry to your favourite online emporium and part with a reasonable £129. If this style isn’t quite to your liking then TaylorMade have announced that more Ghost models are scheduled to become available later in the year.

Sometimes the best ideas are the most simple and that is certainly so with the Corza Ghost. Take a mallet putter, make it white and suddenly it becomes easier to use. It’ll be interesting to see how many other manufactures suddenly come up with the revolutionary idea of painting their putters…

142 - Shots Of The Week - 2010 Crowne Plaza Invitational...

2010-06-07T13:24:00.003+01:00

141 - Quote/Unquote...

2010-06-05T14:11:00.002+01:00

The difference between a sand trap and water is the difference between a car crash and an airplane crash. You have a chance of recovering from a car crash. - Robert T. Jones

The nice things about these golf books is that they usually cancel each other out. One book tells you to keep your eye on the ball; the next says not to bother. Personally, in the crowd I play with, a better idea is to keep your eye on your partner. - Jim Murray

The number of shots taken by an opponent who is out of sight is equal to the square root of the sum of the number of curses heard plus the number of swishes. - Michael Green

On his proposed book titles - The first one is called How to Get the Most Distance out of Your Shanks and the other is How to Take the Correct Stance on Your Fourth Putt. - Lee Trevino

Of course, Nick Faldo is as neurotic as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs, and pretty much no fun...you wouldn't want him for a brother-in-law, but he won the Ryder Cup. Total Sport

There is one thing in this world that is dumber than playing golf. That is watching someone else play golf. What do you actually get to see? Thirty-seven guys in polyester slacks squinting at the sun. Doesn't that set your blood racing? - Peter Andrews

I enjoy the 'oohs' and 'aahs' from the gallery when I hit my drives. But I'm getting pretty tired of the 'aaws' and 'uhhs' when I miss the putt. - John Daly

Seve Ballesteros goes after a golf course the way a lion goes after a zebra. - Jim Murray

When Bill Clinton played golf... he wore jogging shoes, and his shirt was hanging out over painter's pants. Golf needs Clinton like it needs a case of ringworm. - Rick Reilly

140 - What Have I Started...

2010-06-04T14:24:00.005+01:00

The reader of this crappy little blog will know that over the last couple of weeks I’ve received some tuition on golf fundamentals from two mates Terry and Richie. Both of them have given me really useful tips and both were really impressed with me, and by me I mean my clubs.

In the first session with Terry he had a few shots with my Mizuno MP57’s and went all quiet before mumbling something along the lines of “these feel great” over and over again. He then had a few shots with my MP-R wedge and my F-60 3 wood and there were yet more mumbles from him.

Next I went to Kirkby Golf Course for a session in the bunker and around the green with Richie. I only took my MP-T wedge but it was enough to produce quiet utterances of pleasure from Richie as he attacked the pin from the sand and light rough surrounding the green.

The upshot is that both Terry and Richie are now the owners of new clubs!

Both of them were debating about getting new clubs but after a few balls with my Mizuno’s Terry was convinced he needed some new bats which in turn made Richie’s mind up.

Terry scoured the Internet and picked up a set of Mizuno MP62’s (right) for a ludicrously low price (less that £200 I think – not bad for a set that are going for £400 today) and Richie plumped for a set of MP57’s like mine for about the same price. Richie is now looking for a MP-T too now and a bag too!

Those two were already fans of Mizuno and both have vintage sets (that I think they are going to get on eBay as soon as possible) but now they have shiny new sets like mine. I’m worried about what we will look like if we all turn up to play at the same time.

Is there anything worse than seeing a group of beuts decked out in all the same gear on the tee? The three of us will look like we read a magazine and bought the latest fashion – actually we won’t, we will be using Mizuno not Nike…

139 - Sand Blasted...

2010-06-03T22:56:00.005+01:00

I mentioned in my last post that the bunker had the beating of me; another thing that took a beating was my wedge. The club comes with what Mizuno call a Raw Haze finish, which is a sort of dark bronze coating designed to come off over time leaving the face covered in spin producing rust. After today the face is shinier than an airhostesses’ grid.

The sexy little 58* baby was fantastic at getting the ball up and over the lip of the bunker but wasn’t tough enough to resist the power of sandblasting. With every shot I could see the coating being stripped from the metal leaving the face looking almost polished in certain places.

I’m hoping that with the protective layer now gone the face with oxidise nicely leaving it nice and rough, ready to shred the cover off my Srixon AD333’s as I chip my way towards the pin…or more likely out of the rough towards the fairway then the pin.

Richie kept joking that I was more concerned with the damage to my club than where the ball was going and to a certain extent he was right.

Although the wedge was relatively cheap (£30 from onlinegolf.co.uk – a bargain frankly) I’m not about to wreck a perfectly good club just for the fun of it.

I did a bit of snooping to see what the club would eventually look like once the rust really starts to take hold and the condition it is in now is pristine compared to how it will end up. Eventually it will look like the bodywork of a 1973 Austin Allegro that had been stood in a fjord for 20 years.

The snob in me is appalled at the thought of having this manky club sat next to my delicious MP57’s in the bag but the geek in me can’t wait for the oxidisation process to engulf the face and make it rougher than a night out in Brixton.

I’m expecting epic amounts of bite from the MP-T, which in turn should result in a fair amount of spin (if the right balls are used but that is a whole different topic). If the face decays and my game improves then the little practice session will have been worth it on many levels.

138 - Sand Trapped...

2010-06-01T02:09:00.008+01:00

Richie offered to help continue my golfing education this evening with a crash course in escaping the evil sand trap. I have a pathological fear of the dreaded Adolf Hitler (two shots in the bunker) and was keen to learn so it was off to Kirkby Golf Course for some early evening instruction.

We arrived at the course at around 19:30 confident that we would be able to wander up to the bunker protecting the first green (below) and get a bit of practice in but it didn’t turn out that way as wave after wave of late players teed off behind us.

At first we were courteous and waited for them to play through but it didn’t take long for us to get bored and head into the perfectly kept (ahem) bunker - I suppose you get what you pay for and seeing as we paid absolutely nothing we couldn’t really complain.

Anyone who has spent time in a bunker will tell you that it is difficult to get the ball out and onto the green with any real degree of accuracy - unless you are blessed with some talent or put some serious graft in.

Richie went through the subtle art of smashing the ball from the bunker and making it flop gently on the green with irritatingly ease.

After a number of what can only be described as horrible shots I finally got the hang of popping the ball up to escape the sand but getting it to land anywhere near the pin was a completely different story. Occasionally I would get the ball within putting distance but more often than not I would be miles away.

I did hit an absolute peach that trickled agonisingly close the hole but overall it wasn’t a great performance, I know that I need a lot more practice on this part of my game. After my lesson with Terry I could see improvement but the bunker had the beating of me today.

Overall it was a good couple of hours and a real eye opener. Before today I had only been in the sand a couple of times and on those occasions I just smashed the ball as hard as I could and hoped for the best. Now I know there is a technique to getting close, a technique I need to nail.

137 - I'm Telling Teacher...

2010-05-31T13:30:00.004+01:00

A couple of years ago I reported on a playground spat between Titleist and Callaway surrounding alleged copyright infringement in the design of the Pro V1. I call it a playground spat because to me, it was a pointless exercise with the only winner being the lawyers.

As I wrote at the time, Titleist were appealing a ruling that prevented them from selling a ball that they no longer sold because of infringements on patents they claim they already own that have been bought up by another company that don’t actually use them!

After two years and probably hundreds of thousands of dollars, a jury in the US District Court of Delaware has decided that Titleist didn’t have a case to answer as the patents in question are invalid.

Joe Nauman, executive vice president, Corporate and Legal, Acushnet Company said: “We are extremely pleased with the court’s decision, and we hope that this finally brings this long standing dispute to a close.

“We have explained throughout this process that Acushnet independently developed the technology in question.

"The Titleist Pro V1 family utilises technology from 74 Acushnet patents and was first introduced to our PGA Tour players in October 2000, well before any of the Spalding patents were issued in 2001 and 2003.   

"We appreciate the jury’s careful consideration of the facts and the time they devoted to these proceedings. This verdict affirms our view that all claims in these patents are invalid – just as the U.S. Patent & Trademark Office has repeatedly found.”  

So there we have it, Titleist can once again boast about being the ‘number 1 ball in golf’ without any snide remarks from Callaway. Seriously though, did anyone really doubt Titleist?

136 - Shots Of The Week – HP Byron Nelson Championship...

2010-05-27T00:09:00.001+01:00

135 - Putt It Away...

2010-05-26T00:10:00.006+01:00

After my lesson in golf fundamentals from Terry it was off to Widnes Golf Club for a session on the practice green. Now that I was able to drill the ball effortlessly 150 yards with some degree of accuracy it was time to face a whole different challenge as I tried to sink a measly 3-foot putt. How hard could it be?

After 15 frustrating minutes the answer was that it is extremely hard. I soon discovered that I couldn’t read greens; I have a touch as subtle as the Yorkshire Ripper and seemingly the inability to learn from mistakes, three qualities that are no doubt the envy of every player out there!

As on the field earlier, Terry showed me how it was done before watching me and correcting the problems. With his first putt he stepped up and put the ball a couple of inches from the hole seemingly without trying so I was confident I wouldn’t be too far behind him. I was wrong, very wrong.

It took me a quarter of an hour to even get the ball within chipping distance of the cup. To make matters worse, there were players at the club putting in a bit of practice before teeing off also making it look ridiculously easy. Now this was really winding me up but I stuck to the task and tried to put Terry’s advice into action.

Eventually I got into the swing of things and started getting my shots close; close enough to change my average from three putts to two. Then Terry threw a spanner in the works by making me practice on longer finishes that had me back at square one for a short time untilI found my range again.

Before leaving I had a little practice of chipping onto the green from about 20 feet away from the pin. I found that getting it onto the green is quite easy but getting it close is a whole different story. Again Terry gave me instruction and again I got better with each shot until I got tired and couldn’t hit the ball cleanly anymore.

Overall it was a great afternoon of tuition and practice. I had learned so much in four and a half hours and regained my appetite to play. Terry kept repeating that I need to practice to improve, something that I genuinely intend to do.

134 - Schwing...

2010-05-24T00:52:00.010+01:00

As I write this article I’m struggling. My legs, thighs and back are seriously aching. The reason? I’ve just spent four and a half hours receiving some great golfing tuition from my friend Terry and my body seriously isn’t used to all the exercise. To add insult to certain injury, my head is spinning too.

I took the afternoon off and headed to Terry’s to find that he has ingeniously built himself a golf swing trainer (below). The device replicates the perfect arc that all golfers should create for each shot and if used regularly it is claimed to help promote muscle memory to make the swing more natural – clever stuff and clever Terry for making one.

After 10 minutes on the trainer it was clear that my swing is, to use a technical term, shite. From spaghetti arms to a wayward backswing and a nonexistent follow through there was little to applaud but with Terry’s help it improved almost instantly. Time to put the practice into theory.

We headed to the field at the back of the house and went through some drills. Not worrying about hitting it far or straight I hit a handful of balls ensuring my swing plane was correct and that I was rotating my wrists on follow through.

The results were impressive as my usual divot-scooping slice disappeared into the ether being replaced by reasonably straight, reasonably long shot after shot. It wasn’t a fluke either, I repeated the feat with my 9 and 7 iron too.

After the irons I started on my nemesis – the wood. As per usual I had a textbook newbie slice that irritated the life out of me until I had a bit of a breakthrough when I remembered something another mate said about ‘pointing where you want the ball to go’.

The idea is to focus on following through with the swing on the correct, straight path. By concentrating on this my wrists automatically rotated, my body turned correctly and, most importantly, the ball flew long and straight…until I started bragging about it which instantly put a hex on the whole thing.

After two hours on the field I felt I had taken a giant step thanks to Terry’s help. Ok, so the distance was a little lacking and there was still the odd slice but my ball striking was much more consistent. For the first time I felt pretty confident that I would be ok on a course, well except for with a wood but you can’t have everything, can you?

133 - Quote/Unquote...

2010-05-23T13:05:00.002+01:00

My backswing off the first tee had put him in mind of an elderly lady of dubious morals trying to struggle out of a dress too tight around the shoulders. - Patrick Campbell

Those golfers who look as though they got dressed in the dark should be penalised two strokes each for offending the public eye. - Doug Sanders

When the ducks are walking, you know it is too windy to be playing golf. - Dave Stockton

(On how to play through a lightning storm) Hold up a one iron and walk. Not even God can hit a one iron. - Lee Trevino

We learn so many things from golf - how to suffer, for instance. - Bruce Lansky

Unless his putting stroke deserts him, Seve Ballesteros should become the richest Spaniard since Queen Isabella. - Jim Murray Los Angeles Times (1976)

My game went so bad today, that I lost two balls in the ball washer. - Author unknown

Watching a golf tournament is different from attending other sports arenas. For one thing, the drunks are spread out in a larger area. - Don Wade

A professional will tell you the amount of flex you need in the shaft of your club. The more the flex, the more strength you will need to break the thing over your knee. - Stephen Baker

Hubert Green swings like a drunk trying to find a keyhole in the dark. - Jim Murray

132 - De Vere Not So Dear...

2010-05-21T00:38:00.006+01:00

There are many plus points to joining a private golf club – immaculate tees, fairways and greens, polite players, a spotless clubhouse and secure car parking to name but a few – but the main problem is that you get to play just one course each week. De Vere, the UK’s leading golf resort company, may have the perfect solution.

De Vere has come up with a new scheme, which it hopes will attract new players and grow the game. Why play one course costing thousands a year when you can up to 16 for just £295? The 'De Vere Club' centres on a points based membership system that allows a golfer to play at 11 De Vere venues using points for individual rounds.

And don’t think the bargain price means bargain basement courses either. The scheme gives access to the likes of The Carrick on Loch Lomond (below) and Jack Nicklaus designed Slaley Hall in the north-east, which have both hosted European Tour events. Compare those to your local track.

There is a catch (isn’t there always?) You start will 100 points and depending on what course you play, what time of year and what time of the week each round will cost between 7 and 20 points.

A quick, midweek blast around Carden Park is a third of the price of a weekend trip to The Carrick. I suppose you get what you pay for and thankfully points can be added at any time.

The scheme was launched by honorary captain, broadcaster Peter Alliss; "It's the first time I've ever been captain of anything and I'm thrilled to be involved in such a pioneering project. I can see the far-reaching benefits for avid golfers across the country.

“Nothing beats the feeling of belonging to a club and the more people feel they belong the more they play and enjoy the game. With all the time and money pressures these days, I believe the De Vere Club is a great compromise: the flexibility and choice coupled with the wonderful traditions of club golf.”

There are other benefits too as members enjoy discounts on hotel rooms, spa, golf equipment, food and drink plus there are attractive member referral incentives too. What better way to convince your other half to let you have a weekend of golf on a perfectly manicured, championship course than with the lure of a spa?!

131 - Sick Of Being Sick...

2010-05-19T23:11:00.005+01:00

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! I’m sick of being sick of being shit at golf so I’ve decided to do something radical about it; I’m getting lessons...well actually I’m not, but I am really. I realise that I’m making as much sense as the instruction manual for a Chinese video recorder so I better explain.

A while back I was fortunate enough to get a free lesson from the Pro at Widnes Golf Club and my game improved immeasurably. I’m certain that with a few more lessons I would have been well on the way to my realistic target of playing off 18 but it never materialised and I soon slipped back into the bad habits which have left me on the verge of throwing my clubs into the canal.

I got in contact with the friend who hooked me up with the free lesson to see what the going rate was these days for expert tuition from a Pro; I was told to save my money as he could go through the basics with me for free – result. Terry is a decent player so I’m confident he will be able to help me out.

I’ve been told to bring a 3 wood, 7 iron, 9 iron and wedge and he will go through the routine with them all on the field at the back of his house. I might bring my 5 iron too so I have the full game set (how often do you use a 3 or 4 iron on the course?) Terry said he has a load of auld balls for me to slice across the field too so that is one less thing to worry about.

He also asked me to bring my putter too as we are going to his course to knock a few in on the practice green. I’m looking forward to this part as I’ve never really practiced my putting, I just turn up at the course and three putt my way around the 18 greens like a true clown. I want to see what the Bettinardi can do.

I’m not setting my sights too high but I’m hoping on getting the basics right so I have something to work on over the summer. Once I’m more confident about my stance, grip, alignment and swing I’ll go out with better players but at the moment I’m reluctant to make a fool of myself in front of them although I know they would be supportive and helpful.

It is a strange ‘Catch 22’. I need more practice with help from good players but I won’t go out with them as I’m not good enough. I should bite the bullet, swallow my pride and slice my way around Widnes Golf Club with Terry, Allerton Golf Course with Richie and West Derby Golf Club with Alan, who knows, I might actually get a bit better.

130 - Shots Of The Week - 2010 Players Championship...

2010-05-18T14:14:00.001+01:00

129 - Long Time No Skill...

2010-05-17T14:59:00.007+01:00

I’ve just returned from my first trip to the driving range in months and it is fair to say I’m in bits. My back is killing me, my arms are aching and curiously my arse is sore. The night wasn’t a complete success but there were enough positives to give me hope that I might be good enough to actually get a handicap this year – high hopes I’m sure you’ll all agree.

I decided to have a varied session so took my MX-560 driver, my new MX Fli-Hi 20* hybrid, my MP57 7-iron and my trusty 52* MP-R wedge, all Mizuno, all quality – too good for a cack-handed clown like me if I’m being honest but I’m hoping that by using good kit I might receive some small advantage to make up for my chronic lack of ability.

I was accompanied to the range at Aintree by mate called Tommy who used to play a bit and swore blind he hadn’t hit a ball for three years…as shot after shot flew arrow straight down the range! Ok, some of the shots flew arrow straight to the right but never the less he was very consistent with his shots. The force is strong in that one methinks!

I started with my driver and after a few wayward bombs managed to produce a couple of decent shots. Next time I practice I’m taking my F-60 3 wood as I have so much more control over it without losing a significant amount of distance. It has a stiff shaft (oo-er) which helps rein in the immense power my perfectly honed physique produces. Ahem...

Next off the rubber tee was my new Mizuno hybrid which I bought, if I’m being honest, to match the rest of my set. I already have a Howson hybrid that works perfectly well but I’m too much of a snob to keep it in my bag. Having read tons of reviews I was convinced the MX Fli-Hi (right) would be a step up but after 20 balls I’m not convinced, more work needed I think.

The last time I took my 7 iron out I had a bit of an epiphany as I hit shot after shot exactly the same. As any golfer will tell you, consistency is the key to good scores so I was looking forward to proving it wasn’t a one off. I failed. Actually I failed at first but started to get the accuracy back after a few shots but I didn’t hit the heights of last time.

Finally it was some scoring shots with my wedge. The owners of the driving range have decided to remove the small chipping baskets from the range. I don’t know who come up with this but if I ever find out I’m going to go medieval on their baby makers with my 60* chipper. The ‘blue basket challenge’ was my favourite game.

With the baskets gone I had to improvise by trying to hit a big 40-yard marker, pretending it was the pin. Although still useful it wasn’t nearly as satisfying as landing a ball sweetly into a basket. After a couple of wayward chips I was managing to get close enough to be happy with where the ball was ending up.

Overall I was disappointed with a lot of the shots I made but every now and then there was a glimmer of hope as the ball went exactly where I wanted it to. I came back to the same conclusion though, I need to pull my finger out and get some practice in.

128 - Big Fake Grin...

2010-05-05T02:09:00.008+01:00

I had the pleasure of visiting West Derby Golf Club today and I was quite impressed. My mate Alan is a member and kindly offered to take me around for a sneaky 18. As my game is all over the place I decided to caddy for him as he blasted his way around the pretty parkland course on the outskirts of Liverpool.

Having only ever played on municipals I saw the difference immediately. From tee to green the course was immaculate, totally devoid of the usual treats found on council run tracks – litter, unrepaired fairways, pockmarked greens and the occasional burnt out car in the rough (I think it is treated as an immovable obstruction in the R&A rulebook incidentally with the appropriate relief given).

I can see why people are drawn to private courses but they fill me with dread. I’m not sure I could be arsed with all the rules, the enforced etiquette and the general ‘know your place’ attitude from the old guard. I get that the rules are there for the good of everyone and in theory I support them but in practice I think I would struggle.

I found myself getting annoyed by the big ‘No Mobile Phones’ sign on the terrace outside the clubhouse even though I could understand that if you were on the green (a few feet away) the sound of some tool yapping away while you are trying to make a birdie would be off putting.

I understand the rule, agree with it but don’t like it being shoved down my throat (insert your own Carry On/Benny Hill gag here). It is as if we cannot be trusted to think for ourselves, or is it something more sinister?

Alan explained that he had to have an interview before he could join where he had to agree to attend a number of functions throughout the year and promise to be an all round good egg – seems like too much hard work to me although Alan assured me that the chances of him attending the Captain’s Black Tie Ball are slim...

And that is the paradox for me; I love the perfectly manicured greens, the spotless changing rooms and the comfy bar showing the football but the thought of grovelling to a bunch of old farts and promising to be a good boy grates to the point of anger. The alternative is surely worse though? Poorly maintained municipals filled with scalls in England shirts and Reebok Classics? Nah.

Maybe Alan is right, maybe I need to play the game with the establishment a little in order to play the game of golf a lot. No queues on the tee, polite and courteous players, friendly staff – sounds very tempting, all I need now is £1,000 I suppose oh and to practice my fake grin of course.

127 - New Clogs...

2010-04-06T17:15:00.004+01:00

I’ve come to the conclusion that my lack of ability is all psychological and that by looking like a decent golfer I might actually play like a decent golfer. With this little nugget rattling around my brain I decided that a new pair of shoes would be just the thing to compliment my new enthusiasm for the most irritating sport on the planet.

There isn’t anything actually wrong with my current shoes, they have served me well over the last 18 months or so, but I’m convinced that new shoes would help propel me up the ladder from the much vaunted ‘muni-hacker extraordinaire’ to the heady heights of ‘utter golfing clown’ (you have got to have a dream, haven’t you?)

With my mind made up to buy a new pair of shoes I bought the best I could (within reason – I’m not buying a pair of personalised Footjoys for £150 or some leather soled, handcrafted clogs from a company that provided the first Open winner with shoes in 1422). After much internet perusing I’m now the proud owner of a pair of Adidas Tour 360 3.0 in glorious white/silver/green (below).

Normally retailing at £120 a pair, the new shoes were £68 delivered which is pretty good in my book. I was also able to select a wider fitting to ensure they were even more comfortable while I’m playing army golf on my local municipal.

The swanky new Adidas shoes join my swanky not-quite-as-new-but-still-in-the-box-because-I-haven’t-worn-them-yet Stuburt Oxy Pro shoes I bought just before the weather turned to shit. The Oxy Pro’s are big, clunky shoes famed for their comfort (it is down to some clever ’liquicell’ inserts apparently that control shear forces and friction zones within the shoe).

I could be ahead of the curve in the trend stakes here as Golf Whine Monthly recently reported that Stuburt will be making a big push this year to try and increase their market share. Their new range of clothing and shoes is more contemporary than ever before as they look to move away from being bought just by fans to being a more recognised brand.

One consequence of buying these shoes is that I now need to buy some fetching luminous green polo shirts to ensure I’m suitably coordinated as both the Adidas and the Stuburt feature the colour on the sole. Pretty soon you could see me (from some distance no doubt) prancing up and down the fairways like a dandy...or like a bloke wandering around wearing a Marks and Spencer carrier bag for a shirt.

126 - It's Raining Again...

2010-03-29T17:15:00.007+01:00

The Bay Hill logo is an umbrella which is very appropriate considering the weather they have been having in Florida over the last couple of days. The Arnold Palmer Invitational event should have come to a conclusion on Sunday afternoon but torrential downpours have put an end to that. Footage from the competition highlighted just how bad things were when it was difficult to differentiate the lakes from the waterlogged fairways.

The rain came at a good time for Ernie Els who looked to be cruising towards his second event win in as many outings but he hit a bogey and a double bogey on the last holes played before the heavens opened. The Big Easy looked decidedly uneasy as he limped around the back nine on his final round and was no doubt glad the weather turned to give him a chance to get his head together again.

It was satisfying to see that it isn’t just this country that has bad weather. Before the rain the players were wearing short sleeves but I never got the impression that the conditions were anything close to perfect. Then again, warm and overcast in Florida is infinitely preferable to freezing cold with horizontal rain getting drilled into your face in Merseyside.

I am supposed to be going to a local private course that my friend (and one of my golf mentors) has recently joined but the last three times I’ve arranged to go the weather has been spectacularly bad. We’ve endured heavy rain, gale force winds and the pièce de résistance, inches and inches of snow. I thought global warming was going to improve the weather not ruin it completely.

I think rain – more precisely heavy rain – is the worst type of weather to play golf in for me. The fairways become ball swallowing quagmires, the greens become mini lakes and you get soaked to the skin (unless you are rich and smug enough to buy some of that gorgeous Galvin Green clobber). It is a certainty that you are caught miles away from shelter with just a brolley for protection. Give me overcast Florida any day.

125 - Come Together...

2010-03-25T00:22:00.006Z

As I’ve mentioned numerous times on this crappy little corner of the web, I like playing golf but don’t like looking like a golfer. I’m also a bit of a rebel and would rather kit myself out with clothing and equipment that isn’t necessarily the most popular on the course.

With this in mind I’ve been casting admiring glances over at the equipment coming out of the Cobra camp. They consistently produce interesting looking equipment that, to me anyway, seems to fit nicely into its own niche of being quite a premium product without being part of the Callaway set.

Cobra was founded in 1973 and is probably most famous for their drivers, fairway woods and hybrids. In 1996 the company was swallowed up by American Brands Inc. and has since been managed under the Acushnet Company umbrella, along with Titleist and FootJoy.  

After playing second fiddle to Titleist, Cobra will now get the chance to shine in it’s own right after it was announced that the brand was being bought by German sports equipment and clothing manufacturer Puma in what could be an intriguing partnership.

“Through the acquisition of Cobra Golf, we reinforce Puma’s commitment to our sports performance business by strengthening our growing and successful Golf category,” said Jochen Zeitz, chairman and chief executive of Puma.

“Cobra Golf has a history of innovative performance products fused with an edge and is therefore a perfect fit for us, reinforcing our overall mission of becoming the most desirable Sport life-style company.” 

Puma produce some good-looking golf clothing that has more in common with the likes of Oscar Jacobson and J Lindeberg than Lyle & Scott and Pringle, which I totally approve of. This collaboration really excites me and I’m looking forward to the equipment and clothes that come out once the partnership blossoms.

124 - Do Not Adjust Your Set...

2010-03-23T23:52:00.006Z

When I was a kid yellow golf balls were everywhere – by everywhere I mean in the woods and wild rough littering the local municipals I would visit when my golf ball collection would need restocking – but you don’t see them as much anymore. All that could change thanks to Srixon.

The Japanese ball manufacturer recently unveiled the new Srixon Z-Star Yellow ball (below) at the WGC Accenture Matchplay tournament when South African Tim Clark used it. Interestingly Clark claimed the colour had stress-reducing properties that helped him to victories over Vijay Singh and Martin Kaymer.

This stress relief has been confirmed in psychological studies where is was shown that the yellow/green colouring used in the new Z-Star had a calming effect at address compared to traditional balls as it is more comforting to the eye which helps the player focus on the next shot. Clever stuff.

According to the boffins at Srixon the ball is easier to see as it moves through the air too. In tests at distances of 275 yards, the Tour Yellow was spotted over 60% of the time, compared to 21% with the white ball.

What this means in the real world is that the colour should help reduce the number of balls that go missing in light rough due to being lost in flight.

The Srixon Z-Star is one of the best balls on the market at the moment and is used by the likes of Jim Furyk and Miguel Angel Jimenez. It is a real alternative to the all conquering Titleist Pro V1 and in it’s new ‘mellow yellow’ guise could shift a few units when it goes on sale in May priced at £44 per dozen.   

123 - Shots Of The Week: Waste Management Phoenix Open...

2010-03-04T13:38:00.005Z

122 - Busy, Busy, Busy...

2010-03-03T17:50:00.007Z

As I mentioned in my last post, I’m a sucker for technology and if that technology looks the part then I’m in. I was flicking through the latest issue of Golf Whine Monthly and stumbled across Nike’s new super game improver clubs and was left gawping like a fool. The new Nike Machspeed irons are either the best thing you have ever seen or an unholy disaster. Like I said, I’m a sucker...

Like previous game improver clubs from Nike, the Machspeed irons are designed to be easy to hit, forgiving and long. Having briefly used other Nike clubs from this end of the range I can confirm that they do exactly what they say on the tin. The clubs are designed to have a huge sweet spot and move the MOI lower to help fire the ball into the air with ease.

The lower end clubs are usually finished in Nike’s customary yellow and black and the new clubs continue the tradition, although you will need to have good eyesight to spot it as the back of the club is busier than Lime Street station at rush hour.

The boffins at Nike have welded what they call a ‘Powerbow system’ onto the back of the head, designed to move the MOI away from the face to help get your Srixon Z-Star air bound.

I can’t say whether it works or not, what I can say is that the Powerbow make the clubs look stunning.

The new fitting looks like the back of a Lamborghini Murcielago or something and ensures the clubs stand out a mile. Super game improver clubs are never the most subtle beasts (I’m looking at you Callaway Diablo Edge...) but the new Machspeed raises the overdesigned bar by some margin.

In a world where sleek blades are seen as the pinnacle of club aesthetics, where the ‘less is more’ philosophy is adhered to like some sort of bible the super game improver clubs are a breath of fresh air. Pure lines are replaced with bumps, lumps and bars in the pursuit of usability for the high handicappers and the Machspeed is the new King of design and performance.

121 - A Touch Of Menace...

2010-03-01T14:25:00.004Z

The regular reader of this little blog will know that I’m a sucker for technology, if the technology looks good too then I’m in, hook, line and sinker. Needless to say I adore the Odyssey Sabertooth putter. Design and materials technology combined with extraordinary looks and real world performance means it is an absolute peach. But now Odyssey have added a touch of menace to the mix.

The original Sabertooth burst onto the golfing scene a couple of years ago and was an instant hit. The design was not to everyone’s taste with the ‘Pringle Jumper set’ having a good old moan because it wasn’t a traditional, ‘Anser’ putter (conveniently forgetting that the Anser putter was a radical design too when it first arrived) but new golfers loved it.

The press were keen to heap praise on the radical new putter too and it received a lot of plaudits for its ease of use, feel and ability to produce consistent results. Odyssey has a reputation for creating some of the very best putters and the stunning Sabertooth was another example of the company producing the goods again.

Not wanting to rest on its laurels, but not wanting to reinvent the wheel either, Odyssey has brought out a new Sabertooth this year. Although the distinctive shape has remained it is now menacing gunmetal grey with black and white accents.

The ‘fangs’ are still tungsten to help shift the weight wide to promote a straight putt but are black instead of maroon on the old model.

The face insert has also had a makeover and is now white instead of maroon but the change isn’t just cosmetic. The new Sabertooth has Odyssey’s White Ice insert which is apparently slightly firmer than the old model to produce a better feel on softer balls which are being used more and more. The distinctive inner fangs remain to help with alignment at address.

The new White Ice Sabertooth retails at £129 but I’ve already found it at nearer the £100 mark on some of the online retailers, for that price it is an absolute bargain. I’ve used the old Sabertooth and all that design really does work. The fangs do promote a straight swing, the mini fangs ensure the ball is correctly aligned and the insert makes the putt feel buttery.

Like I said at the beginning, I’m a sucker for technology and the Sabertooth is dripping with it. It is a bit of a Marmite putter though; you either love it or hate it which could put players off – not me, I think it is stunning, especially in this new stealth colour scheme. If I didn’t have a beautiful Mizuno Bettinardi putter already I’d be seriously tempted.

120 - No Having Fun...

2010-02-22T12:19:00.003Z

Don’t you just hate miserable, joyless, nitpicking sods that seem to have nothing better to do than ruin the fun for everyone? Now I know that it is necessary from time to time for the powers at be to step in to stop the great unwashed masses killing themselves with stupidity but when I read that a Canadian judge has banned the undeniably brilliant ‘Happy Gilmore swing’ my head nearly exploded.

Justice Arthur J. LeBlanc has ruled that swing made famous by Adam Sandler “breached the standard of care owed to other players on the course” after drunken Travis Hayter hit a playing partner during a pre-wedding round. “I’m convinced the Happy Gilmore shot would’ve been less controllable than a normal tee shot because it involved a run up continued Judge LeBlanc, “and because the defendant had been drinking through the day.”

In my opinion it is the ‘drinking through the day’ part that is the key. Of course the Happy Gilmore swing is more wild (for those who haven’t got a clue what I’m talking about it is a tee shot where the player takes a run up before smashing the ball down the fairway in one movement) but surely being rat arsed and messing about on the course with a gang of friends is going to cause more problems to more people.

How long is it before they ban players who have a horrendous slice or hook? If a new player (or completely awful one) cannot reasonably control where their Nike Juice ball is going to end up then surely they are ‘breaching the standard of care owed to other players on the course’? Going by the recent ruling, no new players will be able to play on a course before they have reined in their drives. Will there be golf driving tests in Canada now?

Thankfully this petty ruling doesn’t apply to the UK but it is only a matter of time before those joy-thieves at the Health and Safety Executive step in follow the lead set by Judge LeBlanc. Don’t be surprised if you see a Daily Mail campaign to stop the spread of this menace to the Royal and Ancient game of golf (they will probably blame the whole thing on immigrants too).

119 - Shake The Fake...

2010-02-18T12:59:00.005Z

I was reading an article in Golf Whine Monthly recently about the biggest counterfeiting scam in eBay history which saw thousands of fake clubs sold for millions of pounds. Initially I had a picture of a Del Boy Trotter character, a lovable rogue selling hooky gear from a shed but then it dawned on me that I should be very angry at this modern day Fagin.

I, like a lot of you out there I suspect, buy a fair bit of my golfing paraphernalia via eBay as it often throws up the best price. I don’t mind that the gear doesn’t come with a full warranty, that there is virtually zero after sales and that there is a good chance the equipment isn’t brand new. What I do mind is being ripped off by being sent fake goods knocked up in an Asian factory for a few quid when I have paid for the genuine article.

A guy called Gary Bellchambers from Rainham in Essex set up a number of eBay accounts selling the likes of Odyssey Two-Ball putters, Cleveland irons and TaylorMade R7 drivers. He would buy the fake kit from China for as little as £3 before hawking it on eBay for up to £100 (which was still a bit cheaper than the shops but not too much). The pricing was very clever as it didn’t raise suspicion with the buyer for being too cheap yet still had that delicious smell of a genuine bargain.

Over five years his team was responsible for over 96,000 golf related transactions on eBay but it all come to a juddering halt in March 2008 after a little old lady complained to Trading Standards after she didn’t get a refund on a shoddy fake she had been sent.

Normally Bellchambers would refund customers instantly to stop them escalating the complaint but in this case he was out of the country and couldn’t respond.

Trading Standards launched ‘Operation Augusta’ and raided a number of homes seizing computers and 2,500 fake clubs. Computer forensics found emails between the team with detailed lists of which customer had bought what equipment, common complaints for returned goods and how flaws in the golf gear needed to be addressed to prevent the operation being caught out.

Bellchambers was charged with the rather catchy crime of ‘conspiracy to sell or distribute golf clubs and accessories bearing signs likely to be mistaken for registered trademarks contrary to Sec 1(1) of the Criminal Law Act 1977’ and is due to be sentenced any day now. If convicted he and his co-conspirators could face up to 10 years in prison.

Golf by its very nature drives us to strive for constant improvement. The big manufacturers play on this and are relentlessly producing equipment that promises to give us tiny advantages over our fellow hackers but with money tight we are all on the lookout for a bargain. Bellchambers and his crew exploited this situation and merrily ripped off thousands. Loveable rogue? Don’t make me laugh.

118 - Shots of the Week: Northern Trust Open 2010...

2010-02-17T00:22:00.004Z

117 - Five Star...

2010-02-10T01:27:00.008Z

I admit it; I’m a sucker for gadgets, technology and new developments in golf. Although I do tend to whine about the manufacturers attempts to make the game of golf easier, I always skip to the new product section of Golf Whine Monthly for a quick drool at the stuff I will never buy. Flicking through the magazines recently I stumbled across something I badly want which infuriated me at the same time.

It is no secret that the golf equipment manufacturers churn out stuff each year with the sole purpose of making themselves a few quid, good luck to them I say. Occasionally the powers at be fiddle with the rules slightly giving the companies an excuse to produce a new driver with a 460cc head or a wedge with v grooves for example, but sometimes the big corporations make stuff for the sake of making stuff it seems.

Modern golf balls are broadly broken up into two categories; two piece balls that are aimed at higher handicap players who put a premium on low cost and high life span of a ball and three piece balls that are aimed at lower handicap players who demand playability and flexibility from their ball (there are also a few four piece balls that are basically the same as their three piece brethren but cost more and erm, well that is it really as far as I can tell).

But what if a two piece ball isn’t enough for you? What if a three piece ball leaves you cold? What if a four piece ball sends waves of apathy coursing through the very fibre of your being? I’ll tell you what you need in that case, a five piece ball!!!

But what kind of deranged company would come up with a ball that has almost as many layers as an onion? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you TaylorMade.

The ‘number one name in drivers’ is hoping to challenge Titleist to become the ‘number one name in golf balls’ with the release of its Penta TP five piece ball (above). Sergio Garcia, Retief Goosen, Y.E. Yang, Justin Rose and Jason Day are all set to use it on tour this season but TaylorMade are confident that the ball will be a big hit because the multi layer technology makes it the ideal choice for every level of golfer.

So how does it work? Well the new hazard finding missile from TaylorMade has a core designed to promote high launch speeds and low spin for distance off the tee, an inner mantle which does something similar for long irons, a middle mantel to help promote a mid launch trajectory for mid irons, a outer mantel designed to stop the ball spinning back too much when using scoring irons and a cover designed to give ultimate control. Phew.

So what does all that mean? In theory TaylorMade have produced a ball for golfers of all ability that is effective at all ranges with all clubs. If it works in practice then the Penta TP could be the most significant development in golf ball design since Titleist unleashed the all conquering Pro V1 on the golfing world. Or it could be just another golf ball at the end of the day...

116 - Acceptable In The 80's...

2010-02-04T21:33:00.008Z

Golf Whine Monthly ran a number of features about the range of new conforming wedges that have flooded the market since the USPGA banned the use of u grooves. Every manufacturer is bringing new kit out that is trying to stretch the rules as much as they possibly can yet the most popular wedge on the tour this year could be a 20 year old chipper from Ping. Intrigued?

To recap, u shaped grooves are wider and deeper than the v shaped type that professionals must use on their wedges now. The powers at be decided the professionals are receiving too much help allowing them to produce too much ball spin giving them too much control around the green. Apparently the change is designed to emphasize golfers' skill over technology. Hmmm...

Players being professionals are trying to get any advantage they can and it seems that Phil Mickelson has found a way to stick it to the man. There is a loophole that states that pre-1990 wedges – resplendent with the dirty, illegal u grooves – are exempt from the new cull in the US and can be used in competition. Queue ‘Lefty’ chipping with gay abandon at the recent at the Farmers Insurance Open in San Diego using a 20 year old Ping Eye 2.

It is fair to say that this didn’t go down well with Mickelson’s fellow professionals.

Lee Westwood and and American Scott McCarron were two players who spoke out against Mickelson's decision to use the club with McCarron labelling the former world number 2 a “cheat” – harsh words indeed.

McCarron has since apologised for his outburst but it is clear that use of the club is causing bad blood.

Mickelson has since said he would not use the club as a sign of respect to his fellow professionals, who rallied in support of him last season when his wife Amy was diagnosed with breast cancer. "I like and respect these players out here and when my wife and I were at one of our low points, the players came together and did one of the nicest things that could have been done to show support and it meant tons for me. Out of respect for them, I do not want to have an advantage over them, whether it's perceived or actual. My point's been made, I won't play it."

The American has now demanded that the USPGA close the loophole. "I have been very upset with the way the entire rule change has come about, and its total lack of transparency. This has got to change. To come out and change a rule like this that has a loophole... is ridiculous. It hurts the game and you cannot put the players in the position to interpret what the rule means. This should have been decided well before this came out. It put me and it put all players in a bad spot and it needs to be changed."

So after all the design, manufacture and testing work the club makers have gone through it is ironic that the best piece of equipment to use if you are a professional is a wedge from the 1980’s If you have an old Ping Eye 2 wedge in decent condition why not stick it on eBay where there is a chance to fleece a couple of hundred pounds out of one of the mega rich Tour Professionals hoping to get an edge.

115 - Cheap Shots...

2010-01-27T00:35:00.007Z

Today’s Golfer have a sneaky little offer on that allows players like me to get a game on decent courses without the need to take out a second mortgage. The 2-FORE!-1 Golf offer provides discounted rounds at nearly 1,000 courses across the country apparently. “There must be a catch?” I hear my one visitor exclaim, well there is but it is only small.

In order to get the cheap round first you must dip your hand in your pocket and buy a 2-FORE!-1 Golf voucher for just £3.50 online and then book a round at one of the participating courses mentioning to them that you are using your voucher. Erm, that is it. It is either a free round for a friend or half price round for both of you. Sounds pretty good.

Just on the Today’s Golfer website today and there was a feature on the offers they have in Merseyside at the moment. This part of the world is known as the ‘Golf Coast’ apparently and has its fair share of top quality courses although I couldn’t see the likes of Royal Birkdale on the list (although the likes of the Nicklause Course at Carden Park Golf Resort near Chester is there I suppose).

The article mentioned some courses that my friends have played (and enjoyed) over the last few summers so I could well be tempted to give the likes of Leasowe on the Wirral, Childwall GC (where I attended the recent Woolton Village Golf Society presentation night – more on that another time) and Eccleston Park in Rainhill a crack when the weather finally gives us all a break.

At the end of the day, we all want to play on pristine courses, free from tracksuit wearing halfwits sharing a bag of clubs, unfortunately that usually means paying through the nose but this offer provides a good compromise I reckon. If you are interested in the 2-FORE!-1 Golf offer simply visit the Today’s Golfer website or phone 08451 241 000 for more details on how to purchase your vouchers.

114 - Three Stripes, Dozens Of Items...

2010-01-26T01:09:00.004Z

After writing recently about my new Adidas rain suit I realised that I have a lot of golfing clobber from the German manufacturer with the three-stripe logo. I had a quick check of my course attire and discovered that most of it was made by Adidas yet I haven’t made conscious effort to buy their stuff. Why have I suddenly got a wardrobe full of Adidas?

It is no secret that Adidas make good stuff so I’m happy with the seemingly subliminal purchases I have made over the last twelve months I just didn’t realise how much I had picked up. I have bought jumpers, polo shirts, outer layers, pants, shoes and recently a rain suit all from the same company and all apparently subconsciously.

I can’t recall any of the adverts which no doubt litter Golf Whine Monthly trying to persuade me that the latest gear from Adidas will give me the edge on the course, will make me stand out in the clubhouse and will have women literally throwing themselves at me at the awards dinner. Maybe the German’s have mastered the art of the subliminal advert?

Actually, it is more likely that I have picked up all this kit because there are always tons of offers on for their stuff – I do like a bargain don’t you know?

I know that anything from Adidas will be decent quality and has the right image so buying their gear is usually a no brainer, especially if it looks good and comes in the right colours (always an important fact).

It is obvious that Adidas make golf clothing but I wondered if they produced clubs like other mass sport manufacturers do, Nike for example. A quick look on the Internet turned up a surprising answer; Adidas own TaylorMade. It turns out that the German company snaffled up TaylorMade in 1997 and has spent the last decade rebranding the club manufacturer to become one of the biggest names in golf.

This rebranding and collaboration has been so successful that in 2005 the company officially became the number one name in drivers with more tour pros using their woods than all the other major brands put together. In 2006 TaylorMade-Adidas Golf as the combined company is know made $1billion in revenue.

Now I know that TaylorMade is part of the Adidas family I’m surprised I haven’t been hoodwinked into buying an R9 driver, R7 irons, a Rosso putter or some Burner golf balls. Wonder if the usual suspects have any offers on at the moment...

113 - New Year, Old Story...

2010-01-24T19:51:00.005Z

Happy New Year to my regular visitor (that isn’t a typo by the way, there is only one of you and I’m starting to suspect that it isn’t actually a person rather a search engine web crawler checking my page is still up in the remote chance that someone happens to do a search for a cruddy golf website written by a barely literate neurotic).

Anyway, happy New Year. To keep the feel good factor going I’d like to announce that I’ve already broken my New Years resolution. I vowed to play at least one round of golf a week regardless of weather conditions, availability of playing partners or work commitments. I lasted less than a week.

I had hoped to get 18 holes in this week, taking advantage of the empty courses as the fair-weather (sensible) players stay at home leaving the brave souls (idiots) like me to savour the crisp winter air, temporary greens and frozen fairways. The recent turn in the weather has emphatically put an end to this plan.

The temperature in this part of the world has dipped ever so slightly – when I say ever so slightly I actually mean a lot, an awful lot. Today for example it touched minus seven with the icing on the cake coming in the form of four inches of beautiful, fluffy snow. I love snow, it is probably my favourite type of weather but it does tend to ruin a game of golf I suspect.

The forecast is for more heavy snow over the next couple of days so the only reason to smash my Srixon’s down the fairway would be to use them to create a snowman. Once the snow clears the temperatures are predicted to plummet yet further too so the ball will ping off the fairway as if it was hit down a motorway.

All in all it isn’t the best weather to be playing in so it looks like I’m going to be forced to swerve golf for the next few weeks, at least on the course that is. I will be making a long overdue return to the driving range to hone my ball slicing skills though. There is nothing more soul destroying as fizzing shot after shot into the far right corner of a driving range – I can’t wait!

Feel free to drop by over the coming weeks to see if I’ve made any progress whatsoever or if I’m still utterly, utterly clueless. Chances are I’ve actually regressed but at least it might be mildly amusing watching me go postal on these pages I suppose.

112 - No Wet, Wet, Wet...

2009-10-22T13:17:00.005+01:00

Well the weather is definitely turning now; it is noticeably colder and wetter than it was just a few weeks earlier. With this in mind I went through my old golf bag to check the condition of the gear I have to see if it is still up to the job. It didn’t take long to realise that some of my kit is not only unfit to use but would be rejected by Oxfam.

The main culprit is my bargain basement Dunlop rain suit which I picked up last year as a quick solution to the problem of the great British weather. In Italy they have a saying; ‘temporary solutions become permanent quickly’ and this is definitely the case when it comes to the shoddy little shell suit I bought from Sports Soccer last year.

On paper (and in the shop) the Dunlop suit ticked a lot of boxes. It was waterproof, it was black, it was lightweight, they had it in my size and, most of all, it was cheap. Buying it was a bit of a no brainer at the time, in hindsight I wish I had used the auld grey matter just a little bit more.

The main problem with the Dunlop rain suit I bought is that it isn’t waterproof. Ok, so it isn’t a top end Gore-Tex garment designed to repel a tsunami, but this thing isn’t even shower proof.

In fact if it is worn in any weather you get wet as it doesn’t stop the rain from getting in or allow the moisture from your body to get out. The long and short of it is that the suit is close to useless so I decided to by a better one.

The normal online emporiums were bursting at the seams with waterproof jackets, pants and complete suits at vastly reduced prices.

The problem with most of these garments was that they were last season’s stock that they couldn’t sell. Now I’m not so snobby that I won’t buy clothes because it isn’t this year’s designs but I do draw the line when they come in vile pastel colours.

There were endless FootJoy DryJoy jackets that had up to 70% off the RRP; all of them baby blue and some beige/magnolia blend – horrible. I was desperate for a quality suit (or just jacket at a push) but I wasn’t going to settle for something in a colour that could be compared to baby vomit or stomach bile.

I spent a long time searching and was about to give up when I stumbled across an Adidas rain suit (above) on eBay. It was brand new, had a decent ‘Buy It Now’ price, was in my size and, most importantly for me, come in plain old black. It arrived the other day and is absolutely fantastic as it fits like a glove, is actually waterproof, has special breathable material and looks great. Job done.

111 - Quote/Unquote...

2009-10-10T21:24:00.004+01:00

My most common mistake at St Andrews is just turning up. - Mark James

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. - Jim Murray

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. - Henny Youngman

Southern Hills, Tulsa 5th - This hole is 614 yards. You don't need a road map for this one, you need a passport. - Jay Cronley

I only see Charley Pride when we get to the greens. Charley hits some good woods - most of them trees. - Glen Campbell

Corey Pavin is a little on the slight side. When he goes through a turnstile, nothing happens. - Jim Moriarty

I have never led the tour in money winnings, but I have many times in alcohol consumption. - Fuzzy Zoeller

I played so badly I got a get-well card from the Inland Revenue Service. - Johnny Miller

Perhaps if I dyed my hair peroxide blonde and called myself the 'Great White Tadpole' people would take more notice of me. - Ian Woosnam

I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game. It's called an eraser. - Arnold Palmer

110 - Golf Shorts: Ernie Els / Monty Plots / Solar Power / Michael Jordan...

2009-10-09T15:54:00.003+01:00

Ernie Els will be recognised for his work promoting golf and South Africa when he is honoured through a series of tournaments in his name. The 2010 Vodacom Business Origins of Golf Tour is part of Southern Africa’s Sunshine Tour and one of the themes will be Ernie Els. The competition is a six-tournament series of pro-am tournaments, with entry being strictly invitation only.

Each year the Sunshine Tour honours icons of the game and has in the past paid tribute to the likes of Ben Hogan and Gary Player. Next year it is Els who will be a fitting star as he is a triple Major Champion, former world number one, and seven-time World Match Play champion.

Els said “It’s an incredible honour for me that my achievements in the game are going to be recognised in this way. I’ve spent most of my life flying the South African flag on fairways around the world, and I’ve always competed to the best of my ability as a proud South African sportsman. It’s very satisfying to know that this is going to be recognised in a series such as the Vodacom Business Origins of Golf Tour.”

The six tournaments will, where possible, be played on Ernie Els-designed golf courses or courses suggested by him, and will also help to raise funds for the Els for Autism initiative. Last year Vodacom Business Origins of Golf Tour raised £250,000 for various children’s charities through its Birdies for Kiddies campaign where the Vodacom Foundation donated £40 for every birdie made by a professional on the series.

The 2009 Vodacom Business Origins of Golf Tour already made a significant contribution to charity through its Birdies for Kiddies campaign, whereby the Vodacom Foundation donated R500 to various children’s charities for every birdie made by a professional on the series. In 2009, over R3-million was raised for this campaign.

It looks like Ryder Cup captain Colin Montgomerie is trying every trick in the book to ensure victory for the Europeans in next year’s competition at Celtic Manor. The man cruelly dubbed Mrs Doubtfire is hoping fellow Scot Sir Alex Ferguson will teach him how to handle a dressing room full of superstars.

"I want to arrange a meeting with Sir Alex - I want to pick his brains,” said Montgomerie. "He is the best man-manager and gets the best out of players. Being Scottish, he still has drive and ambition.

"I would like to learn how to get the best out of the players. Not necessarily when it is going well, it is easy then. But when we might come in down after the first day, that is when it is most important."

Expect to see Montgomerie kicking shoes at Serigio Garcia, screaming at the match officials while furiously pointing at his watch and turning up late for the first round after being stopped by the police for driving up the hard shoulder and telling them he had no choice as he was literally shitting himself. I for one cannot wait.

I like to have a moan on this blog about the latest and greatest technological gadget but for one I have found one I don’t mind giving some praise to. Sebonack Golf Club in Long Island has become the first U.S. golf course to implement solar technology for golf carts. 39 of its 40 carts have been fitted with solar panels designed and engineered by Danish company SolarDrive.

It is estimated that the solar panels save $4 per day per cart in electricity costs and while this may not sound a great deal, extended over the life of the cart the savings start to rack up. It isn’t just the $160 per day savings that are important to the course owner Michael Pascucci, it is estimated it will reduce Sebonack’s consumption from the electric grid by 50 to 75 percent.

Pascucci explains: “Power costs are very expensive on Long Island, we’re saving minimum two-thirds on the amount of electricity [being used]. Why not take advantage of the free solar power we have on Earth? I don’t know why everybody isn’t doing this.”

The panels are retro-fitted onto the golf cart and once out in the sun can be fully charged within an hour and easily go 18 or more holes. A sensor underneath the roof provides instant feedback on the amount of solar energy the panels are receiving. If it’s a sunny day, the cart constantly charges even while being used. But even on a cloudy day, a fully charged cart will have enough energy to go one full round.

“You can’t miss with these carts,” continued Pascucci. “It’s a really positive thing for our members and their guests to see that they’re riding around on the sun’s power and reducing their carbon footprint. The bottom line is…it was the right thing to do.”

And finally...

Basketball legend Michael Jordan has landed himself in trouble with the PGA after being snapped puffing on a cigar at Harding Park Golf Course this week. The picture appeared in the San Francisco Examiner and city officials asked the PGA to remind the basketball star that there is no smoking allowed on public golf course, including Harding Park.

"I've already sent off an email to the PGA Tour director," city recreation and park general manager Phil Ginsburg told the Examiner. "It was sort of a gentle nudge reminding them that smoking is illegal and that we would appreciate their support."

Jordan could face a $100 fine if he is caught smoking on the course again. This will be a major concern for the man whose personal fortune was recently estimated at a staggering $800million.

109 - Consistently Consistent...

2009-10-08T17:58:00.004+01:00

I can now confirm that my new found golfing powers were not through some ‘the stars were in alignment’ fluke but are down to practice, hard work and technique. That’s right boys and girls, I said technique! I have finally managed to work out how to hit a ball straight and long. It has only taken me 12 months, and it is restricted to my irons, but it is true.

I visited the driving range last night eager to see if I could replicate the shots I was finding at the weekend and I’m pleased to say that I could. Both my 5 iron and 7 iron shots went, on the whole, straight and true and for the first time ever I could see the difference in the flight of the ball using different clubs which genuinely excited me.

People who can play may scoff at my joy at seeing shots from the 5 iron flying lower and further than those from the 7 iron but when you can’t hit the ball consistently things like that are just something you read about in Golf Whine Monthly. All the hints and tips about course management like suggesting hitting a more penetrating shot with a longer iron to stay below the worst of the wind etc is a viable option if you hit the ball consistently. For the first time ever, I have that option.

I met Lucky at the range and showed him the new set up technique I had been using to see if it worked for him. Initially it made no difference whatsoever but not long after he was pinging the crappy yellow range balls high and straight into the noticeably cooler feeling night air. I’m not sure if it was my expert tuition or just that he was in the groove but he was firing them well.

As we were both hitting the irons well we had our first game of the yellow basket challenge in months. The idea of the game is simple; get a ball in the yellow net about 150 yards away in as few shots as possible. Sally Gunnell’s are allowed (ugly runners) and the winner is the first person to find the target in 12 balls or less. To cut a long story short I managed to find the net after about 6 balls with all my other shots peppering the target nicely. Proof of improvement.

As always, I didn’t just bring my gorgeous irons. Against my better judgement I decided to give my MX-560 driver another chance. I’ll admit I was slightly better with the big dawg than usual but still nowhere near as consistent as I would like to be, a fact highlighted when I borrowed Lucky’s Nike SQ Sumo² 3 wood (above) and hit shot after satisfying shot long and straight into the still night sky. Lesson learned, I’m sticking with my F-60 3 wood for the time being.

Before we left I let Lucky try my MP-57’s while I had a little knock with his SQ Sumo Irons. The difference in the clubs was quite marked. My clubs felt heavier and more solid but his were easier to hit. One thing we both commented on was that when the ball was hit sweetly both clubs felt fantastic which is exactly what we are both aiming for. Who knows, with a bit more practice all our shots could feel like that.

108 - Glorious...

2009-10-07T17:44:00.008+01:00

I woke up on Sunday relatively hangover free despite going to a lovely dinner party in a friend’s house (fantastic homemade meal, wine and bubbly around the table – we even had candles and napkins!) so I decided to visit the driving range to blow off the remaining cobwebs before going to the match to scream abuse at a load of overpaid Nancy boys who don’t deserve my continued support. Ahem...

Like just about every time I have ever been to the range, it was raining. Not only was it raining but it was blowing a gale too which only helped accentuate my cripplingly bad beginners slice. I warmed up with a few bombs from my 3 wood (I’ve all but given up on trying to tame my driver for now). All was good with my new weapon of choice from the tee but it was my iron shots that impressed.

When I go to the driving range I try to simply hit the same shot twice (immense ambition eh?) Consistency is the key to decent golf apparently but for the last year or so the only thing consistent about my shots is their inconsistency. At the weekend I had an epiphany as I successfully managed to hit the same shot over and over again.

I worked out how to set myself up the same way each time to produce a repeatable shot – the casual observer may have thought I knew what I was doing! Time and time again I hit my 5 iron long, straight and true. I could even pick out a spot and hit it. This may not sound like a big deal to those of you who can play golf, but for me it was the equivalent of monkeys using tools for the first time.

Just to check it wasn’t a fluke I tried the same thing with my 7 iron and found I could use that properly too! The frustration, anger and depression I had suffered at the hands of this son-of-a-bitch game melted away with each glorious, straight down the middle shot. I went through about 50 balls with a gormless grin on my face.

With my confidence soaring I moved on to my 52* wedge knowing that I was now an international ball striking legend. Things didn’t go as well as I had hoped as I discovered that I had completely lost any skill I had with wedges with my lovely little MP-R (above) taking a bit of a pounding as I slammed it into the mat with regular and bone juddering regularity. It took a lot of effort to get the ball in the air at all but it eventually came back to me.

I walked to the car happy that I now have something to indicate that all the practice, all the effort all the frustration wasn’t in vain. For the first time in 12 months I could say that I had something approaching a repeatable swing – something to build on and refine. I’m going back to the driving range later to confirm that the Sunday morning session wasn’t just a fluke.

107 - Down And Dirty...

2009-10-06T16:59:00.003+01:00

The one regular visitor to this little corner of the internet may have noticed there has been a lack of updates over the last couple of weeks. The reason for the lack of content is down to the fact that I haven’t actually done anything golf related. There was no playing, practicing, buying or even obsessing via the internet and Golf Whine Monthly. It has all gone quiet over here.

I had big plans to play a round last week but I did something to my neck and couldn’t move it properly which scuppered that, although in hindsight having an injury which forces my head to keep completely still could have helped my game I reckon – there is nothing worse than topping the ball because you are looking to see where it has gone before you have actually hit it!

Looks like the round will have to wait until later this week. To be honest, I need to get the driving range before I even attempt to tee off on the local track as I haven’t swung the wrenches in weeks (not that I was any good in the first place you understand but not practicing the limited skills you do have does tend to add insult to injury). It is official; a brief refresher in the subtle art of slicing the ball is in order.

Like I said in a previous post, I’m determined to enjoy this round even if it kills me (I know, I know, that is a massive contradiction). I’m not going to bother about shooting a particular score I’m just going to get out there in the fresh air and whack a load of Srixon’s up and down a moderately manicured field on the outskirts of the town with the intention of having a laugh. If I manage to hit the odd good shot or fluke an occasional par it’ll be a bonus.

I was talking to Lucky (my partner in crimes against good golf) and we were laughing about how much money we have spent on golfing equipment and how little time we have actually spent using it. We estimated that we have spent around £1,500 between us on clubs, woods, wedges, bags, trolleys, shoes and clothing yet we have played about 10 times. It doesn’t matter how you dress it up, that is a massive waste of money.

No, we need to get out there and start losing balls, getting soaked through to the bone and getting our pristine (and in the case of my Mizuno’s, gorgeous) clubs covered in mud, sand and water. That may sound a little weird to people who don’t play but it makes perfect sense to me now.

106 - Seventh Monday Rant - Rangefinders...

2009-10-05T23:49:00.006+01:00

I’ve had a rant about technological overkill on this little corner of the web before but I feel the need to have another pop at it. An integral part of golf is selecting the correct club to leave an easy shot from the fairway or a sinkable putt on the green. This knowledge comes from experience...unless you have a couple of hundred quid in which case it will come from a laser.

Rangefinders are the latest and greatest weapon in the war against golf. They come in a few configurations but all give a very precise reading of the distance to a selected target. Before swinging a club the player who has shelled out the cash can know with absolute certainty how far a hazard is down the fairway and how far the pin is from the tee.

Part of golf’s attraction is the fact that it IS difficult and it does take time to get to grips with. How satisfying is it hitting a shot perfectly, getting the ball to fly just right and then watching it land neatly where it was aimed? Using a rangefinder eliminates the guess work when selecting a club, making the shot that bit easier.

Advocates of this new gadget will point out that rangefinders (left) should speed up the average round with players not wrestling over club selection as much but it is a knap that owners will use the time saved ensuring their precious Bushnells are tucked safely inside their protective cases.

In the long term it can be argued that the rangefinder owners will gain the experience needed to look at the distance to the flag and have a good idea of what club to use much quicker than players who use trial and error, but if you have a device which will tell you what you need why bother using your own judgement? Players won’t waste their time learning, they will simply reach for the rangefinder.

There will be players out there who would rather use a rangefinder and finish with a lower score – after all, golf is supposed to be enjoyable and nothing increases your enjoyment like recording your lowest ever score on the local track – but lowering my score this way just doesn’t sit right with me.

For me rangefinders are just another example of quick-fix golf along with things like woods that can be adjusted to change the flight of the ball. Skill and practice is replaced by engineering and electronics with the big winners being the equipment manufacturers and those who have money to waste on the next big thing.

105 - Quote/Unquote...

2009-09-27T21:33:00.003+01:00

Golf is a good walk spoiled. - Mark Twain

Bad Sausage and five bogeys will give you a stomach ache every time. - Miller Barber

My goal this year is basically to find the fairways. - Lauri Peterson

When you start driving your ball down the middle, you meet a different class of people. - Phil Harris

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf - it's almost a law. - H. G. Wells

The only way to enjoy golf is to be a masochist. Go out and beat yourself to death. - Howard Keel

For most amateurs the best wood in the bag is the pencil. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

Pebble Beach and Cypress Point make you want to play golf, they're such interesting and enjoyable layouts. Spyglass Hill, now that's different; that makes you want to go fishing. - Jack Nicklaus

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. - Jim Bishop

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool. - George Brett

104 - Forever Autumn...

2009-09-24T23:28:00.005+01:00

Every year, when the editors are looking for something to fill their pages, Golf Whine Monthly will have ‘the big debate’ where members of the editorial team will argue the pros and cons of summer golf over winter golf. Although there are many valid and well reasoned points I find myself sinking beneath waves of apathy as, for me, autumn golf is the way forward – all the benefits of summer and winter without the drawbacks from either.

We all know that the weather is a big factor in golf and playing in beautiful sunshine on a warm day sounds idyllic. Unfortunately the weather in this country is rarely like that. In the summer months it is either torrential rain or a normally unheard of heat wave. Trying to concentrate on the million things that need to be done to get the ball to fly where you want it while being cooked in your own juices as the sun beats down is no fun whatsoever.

The winter is no better as, apart from the obvious risk of frostbite that occurs on the course at that time of year, there are the rock hard fairways and stupid winter greens to contend with.

Add freezing rain and hail to the mix and playing golf in winter can be as enjoyable as invasive bowel surgery...performed by an inexperienced junior doctor...without aesthetic...in a back street surgery...in Bangkok.

No, golf in the autumn is a much better prospect in my book. The trees are starting to turn and flash yellows and reds (right) around the fairways breaking up the blanket of green we are usually faced with, it is cooler than just a few weeks before meaning I don’t end up a complete sweaty mess on the final green and there seems to be less ‘traffic’ at the course which is definite bonus.

I’ll try and arrange a round with next week after work before we start to lose the light as the winter nights draw in. If we can get on the first tee for around 14:30-15:00 then we should just about finish before it goes dark although it is a while since I’ve played so there could be a fair bit of Army Golf on show which obviously takes longer!

Before that I need to get down to the range to blow the cobwebs away. It has been a while since I’ve ventured to the range which is bad as I know I need to practice as much as I can. The last time I went I had a bit of a hallelujah moment which I’m keen to try and replicate plus I want to test out my new (that turn out to be old) clubs some more. So that is the plan, I’ll let you all know how I get on.

103 - Three Weeks Old And Already Retired...

2009-09-23T18:48:00.005+01:00

I recently bought my first set of new golf clubs. After months of research, comparison and debate I finally settled on Mizuno’s award winning MX-200’s as they offered a good combination of forgiveness and flexibility while still being a forged club which delivered feedback and feel. I was all set to buy them when I spotted an offer on a set of Mizuno MP-57’s and that was all she wrote as the American’s would say.

I’m now the proud owner of a set of MP-57’s which are classic Mizuno blades. According to the manufactures website and the magazines these clubs are aimed at the lower handicap players who still want a little forgiveness along with feel and shot shaping capabilities. They have gorgeous, clean looks and feature Mizuno’s famous ‘Cut Muscle’ cavity technology which gives clueless clowns like me some control over the ball.

I was happy that I had bought a set of clubs that, while not being the very latest on offer from Mizuno, were still new enough to be promoted on their website. My happiness was cut short when I opened the latest edition of Golf Whine Monthly to find that the boffins from Osaka had brought out four new sets of clubs including the MP-58’s which are a direct replacement for the shiny, new clubs I’d just purchased!

I hurried to the Mizuno website and found that my clubs had been ‘retired’ and replaced with the new 58’s (left). To add insult to injury the replacement clubs are ever so slightly better in all areas than mine!

The ‘Cut Muscle’ cavity has been developed into a ‘Dual Muscle’ insert which includes a lump of titanium to help lower the centre of gravity and increase forgiveness. I WANT A LUMP OF TITANIUM IN MY CLUBS GODDAMMITT!!!

The new clubs have a thinner top line and sole than mine which improves the look at address, the new titanium weight makes them more workable than mine and the perimeter weighting is increased on them for more stability. They are some of the most technologically advanced clubs that Mizuno have produced and, in the right hands, will no doubt have the ball finding fairways and greens all over the world.

It is fair to say that I was initially gutted when I read up on the 58’s although having slept on it and looking at it from the ‘half full’ angle my clubs did cost about half the price, they look so much nicer than the new model and despite all the extra engineering I’m certain I wouldn’t see the benefit right now as my stance is wrong, my grip is suspect and my swing is all over the place! After initially throwing my toys out of the pram I can now honestly say that I’m happy with my clubs.

102 - Groove Is In The Heart...

2009-09-22T21:00:00.005+01:00

So the powers at be who ruin, sorry run golf have concluded that the professionals are receiving too much help from the club manufacturers and have decided to outlaw the use of ‘u’ grooves on clubs – the miserable sods. Now that the spin police are on their backs the big companies are trying everything they can to provide the same amount of control without falling foul of the latest rules.

For those of you who don’t know, the ‘u’ referred to describes the shape of the groove on the face of your wedges if you examined them carefully. In the old days grooves where cut in a ‘v’ shape which made the ball spin nicely but the introduction of the new shape enabled professionals to control the ball a lot more which, according to the powers at be, is making it too easy for them.

Because the ‘u’ grooves are wider at the bottom than the ‘v’ type any water/sand/soil that gets picked up as the club hits the ball has less effect on your Bridgestone Tour B330, allowing it to spin more. This additional spin equals additional control for professionals – something the governing bodies don’t like this one bit, they seemingly don’t want to see the players producing amazing shots around the green, delighting the crowds and TV audiences...

With the restrictions scheduled to be put in place in the next few years the club manufacturers are already on the case trying to find a way around the restrictions.

Mizuno have announced that their new range of chippers have something called ‘quad cut grooves’ which conform to the new regulations already while still giving professionals the maximum performance. Mizuno are stickin’ it to the man!

The Japanese club wizards are proud to let everyone know how much work they have done to produce these lovely little grooves. As the name suggests the channels are made using four separate cuts to produce grooves that conform to the new rules while still allowing decent players to manipulate the ball any which way they want. No doubt the law makers will be harrumphing at Mizuno’s efforts and meeting to move the goalposts again next year.

All this engineering excellence is fine but the most important point about the new wedges is their looks! The picture above shows the new wedges in all their splendour. It is fair to say that the RAW Black Satin finish is trouser tighteningly good and the MP-T10 is, in my opinion, now the best looking wedge on the market along with the Oil Can Titleist Vokey (which the definition of golf porn!)

So the battle between the governing bodies and the club manufacturers enters a new chapter. The rule makers want the players to use skill not technology to win tournaments, the players are demanding increased performance from their equipment and the manufactures are using all their guile to keep one step ahead of the regulations. While all this is happening I’m still chipping the ball clean over the green regardless of what I use.

101 - Sixth Monday Rant - Catch 22...

2009-09-14T19:17:00.004+01:00

When I started playing golf last year I was pretty confident that I would be reasonably good at it quite quickly as I used to knock a ball up and down a field with a rusty, leather gripped 4 iron with ease when I was a kid and I’m quite good at anything I put my mind to usually. I’m annoyed to find that isn’t as easy as I thought.

Despite spending hours and hours at the driving range I have failed miserably to achieve the simple goal of hitting the same shot twice in one session. I’m not saying I haven’t improved its just that I haven’t improved enough which in turn saps the motivation out of me and if I’ve not motivated I have a habit of throwing the towel in rather than to stick at it.

The obvious answer is for me to get some lessons or pester the life out of my friends until they agree to help me over this hump. The thing is, I hate being rubbish at anything, let alone something as frustrating as golf, and it makes me want to walk away in a sulk. I’m never going to do it, I’ve spent too much on golf porn and I’ve got a subscription to Golf Whine Monthly to think about!

No, I need to dig in and get on with it but I simply can’t find the motivation to do it. I’ve got a gaggle of friends slavering to help my yet the spark has seemingly gone – frustration has won. This may sound sad to some of the more eager players out there but I’m seriously struggling to be bothered with golf right now.

I explained to my good friend Richie that I have never enjoyed a round of golf. He vowed to drag me around a course and MAKE me enjoy it – yeah, didn’t make sense to me either! I think if I got to a level where I was hitting half of the fairways from the tee, finding the odd green with my long irons or just two putting then I would have a different outlook but right now I feel a million miles away from that.

Maybe Richie is on to something; maybe the problem is that I’m looking at the game the wrong way around. I’m focussing so much on getting better that I can’t enjoy the game but if I went out there and just played for enjoyment I’d almost certainly improve because I was playing more often. I think I’ve just had an epiphany!!!

Right, that is it, I’m going to take an afternoon off this week, drag my carcass to the local municipal and try my best to have a laugh as I whack my ball from rough to bunker to woods. Who cares what my score is? Who cares how many balls I lose? The important thing is that I WILL enjoy it. And like that my motivation is back…I’m so fickle!

100 - Still Here...

2009-09-09T20:35:00.002+01:00

Well who’d have thunk it, 100 posts to this little blog? To be honest I didn’t think it would still be going past last summer but it has survived a whole year now despite my clear lack of writing ability, clumsy articles and sometimes questionable content. Hey, I’m not complaining, I think I’ve done well to last this long. Thank you for your loyal support – both of you who read it.

So what has happened in a year? Well I’ve taken up golf, discovered it is the most spiteful, annoying son-of-a-bitch sport on the planet, spent enough money at the driving range to pay for my own course, bought two sets of golf clubs and all manner of accessories and clothing (mostly black). Oh and I’ve played the odd round too but nowhere near enough if I’m being honest.

I’ve learnt a lot about myself over the last year – mostly that I can’t play golf, I have no patience whatsoever, I get way too annoyed with inanimate objects (usually small, white objects covered with dimples as it happens), I’m obsessed with wedges, I’m obsessed with Mizuno and I need to be careful what I say on this blog as big corporations have a habit of reading it.

So what has gone well over the last year? Well I’m certainly a better player than when I first went to the driving range 12 months ago, but not THAT much better to be honest. I can’t use my driver but the 3 wood with the stiff shaft I bought the other week at least gives me a fighting chance off the tee. My £10 Howson hybrid is like some sort of magic wand and I’m not bad with a wedge.

The list of things that haven’t gone well is considerably bigger. I haven’t played enough, I gave up on the sport twice, I knackered my ankle and couldn’t play at all for three months, I reached a certain level of ability then didn’t improve and I didn’t join the golf society after pledging my support at their annual general meeting. All in all, nothing to be proud of in that little lot but it does give me a foundation to build upon.

In summary, I am in a marginally better position than I was last year but still nowhere near where I want to be. I have all the gear and still no idea which is irritating the life out of me. The most annoying thing is that all I need to do to edge closer to my goal of being ‘just rubbish’ at this sport is to put in a bit of practice with my mates who are more than willing to help. The next 12 months have got to better than the last.

99 - Quote/Unquote...

2009-08-24T21:38:00.002+01:00

In 1981, Tom Sieckmann won the Philippine Open, the Thailand Open and the Singapore Open, leaving him second only to the US Marines for victories in the Pacific. - Gary Nuhm

I'd like to see the fairways more narrow. Then everybody would have to play from the rough, not just me. - Seve Ballesteros

The greens (at Winged Foot Golf Club, New York) are harder than a whore's heart. - Sam Snead

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. - George Deukmejian

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best. - Jack Nicklaus

Golf. You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks. - Anonymous

Why am I using a new putter? Because the old one didn't float too well. - Craig Stadler

They say I'm famous for my chip shots. Sure, when I hit 'em right, they land just so, like a butterfly with sore feet. - Lee Trevino

I was swinging like a toilet door on a prawn trawler. - David Feherty

By the time you get to your ball, if you don't know what to do with it, try another sport. - Julian Boros

98 - Golf Shorts - PGA Championship...

2009-08-21T16:59:00.007+01:00

This week’s Golf Shorts is dominated by the recent PGA Championship event at Hazeltine. From the shock win to the foulmouthed rants, the philosophical outlook of a nearly man to the International Bright Young Thing tipped for greatness, from the Englishman quietly climbing the World Rankings to bookmaker that lost out big time there is plenty to talk about. Let’s start with the new lifestyle of the now rich and now famous Yang Yong-eun.

There are many perks to being a PGA Champion, the most obvious being the prize money and increased revenue from sponsors. With his win at Hazeltine the South Korean (below) picked up a tasty £820,000 bringing his season earnings to £1.95m. As the champion he will be in demand and it is estimated he could receive another £900,000 in appearance fees too. Not bad for a relatively unknown player who was 150/1 at the start of the tournament.

But it isn’t all about the Benjamin’s. As a Major winner he is exempt from qualification for five years, will receive complimentary first-class travel to events, be put up in the best hotels and will even have his own parking space! Yes, his own parking space! As the big cheese he will also benefit from more conveniently scheduled tee times, something that can have a positive impact on a golfer’s game apparently.

If Yang was the big winner there is little doubt that Tiger Woods was the biggest loser on the course that day. The most recognisable golfer on the planet had a comfortable lead going into the last round but a series of missed putts combined with some stunning shots from the South Korean meant that Woods lost by 3 shots. To add insult to injury Eldrick was caught on TV swearing after missing his par putt at the 17th, when he repeatedly shouted the word "f***". Naughty Mr. Woods.

Another epic fail came in the shape of Padraig Harrington who was a serious contender until he decided to play like seasoned muni hacker. The Irishman was going along quite nicely until the eighth hole when he eventually holed out for an impressive quintuple bogey that effectively ended a challenge that had looked so promising.

The likeable Dubliner was philosophical about his exploits at the eighth: “It was a difficult tee shot and it was obviously a difficult second shot after you hit it in the water and pulled it into the rough. I had been changing my chipping action a little, and I probably was more into what I was doing rather than trying to get the ball up-and-down, and I hit a bad shot. So these things happen.”

Things went better for young Rory McIlroy (below) as he recorded his best finish at a Major tournament. The 20-year-old with the comedy hair finished joint third with fellow Brit, Lee Westwood. While all around him struggled, McIlroy managed to sink birdies at the third, fourth, fifth and ninth to finish the round three under par. This was his best result, eclipsing the 10th-place finish at this year’s US Open.

Westwood’s reward for finishing 3rd was to move back into the top ten in the World Rankings: 1 Tiger Woods 14.24pts, 2 Phil Mickelson 7.96, 3 Paul Casey 6.58, 4 Kenny Perry 6.11, 5 Henrik Stenson 5.93, 6 Steve Stricker 5.85, 7 Sergio Garcia 5.68, 8 Geoff Ogilvy 5.49, 9 Lee Westwood 5.24, 10 Stewart Cink 5.10. In addition Westwood has also sneaked into fourth place in European Tour's 'Race To Dubai' money list.

And finally

Irish Bookmakers Paddy Power were left fuming after Woods snatched defeat from the jaws of victory at Hazeltine. Renowned for settling its bets early, they paid out to all backers of Woods after just 36 holes when the world number one was four shots clear at odds of 1/5. This slip up cost them a whopping £1.3m but Paddy Power are still quids in after Harrington’s charge faltered at the 8th.

"It takes a special kind of dimwit to turn what should have been our best ever golf result into our worst," the company said in a statement. "Paddy Power punters are obviously the big winners here and have made like bandits getting paid out on Tiger as a winner. Our only saving grace is that Harrington didn't do the business, thank God!"

97 - Geeky Fetishes And Snobby Aspirations...

2009-08-20T20:00:00.005+01:00

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I like playing golf but don’t really like looking like a golfer which is why I decided to buy clothes from Oakley, a company not normally associated with golf. I also talked about the good advice I received when I first got into golf a year ago suggesting I spend a bit of money on some decent golf shoes which is why when looking for a new pair I went for some that were not your usual clogs.

I wanted a pair of all black shoes as they look less like golf footwear and are also easier to keep clean. I had a flick through Golf Whine Monthly and everything seemed to point to a pair of FootJoy’s but after my mini run in with Acushnet (the parent company of Titleist, Cobra and FootJoy) I decided to give my hard earned beer tokens to someone else.

There is a lot of choice out there but when I found a pair of shoes that were reassuringly expensive and had inert gas inserts from a strange sounding company I was sold! The company is Stuburt and the shoes are the funky sounding Oxygen Pro (left). The geek in me was intrigued by the inserts and the snob loved the fact that no-one else would have them (or possibly even heard of them).

They are big, clunky, shoes that have full leather uppers with a patented membrane to keep your feet totally dry. Inside there is a ‘liquicell foot bed’ which apparently reduces friction and heat while increasing blood flow to your feet – I think that is a fancy way of saying that the innersoles aren’t your average Odour Eater crap.

I’m very impressed by how comfortable the shoes are, it is like wearing slippers. I’m looking forward to seeing how well they perform in the pouring down rain in 2 inches of mud and how easy it is to keep them looking good.

96 - Lets Twist Again...

2009-08-19T17:18:00.004+01:00

Hot on the heels of my delicious new Mizuno MP-57’s came another golf purchase. Although my shiny new clubs looked fantastic just laying on the couch, aching to be stroked, my lovely fiancée told me I had to get them shifted which meant buying a new golf bag. There is a lot of choice out there when it comes to bags although they can be broadly broken down into four different types, each with their own plus and minus points.

Pencil Bags – These are designed to be as light as possible for when there is no need to lug things like waterproofs around. These are usually the cheapest bag option and are a convenient, no frills way to hoik around a handful of clubs for a quick 9 holes in the sun.

Stand Bags – These bags are carried over the shoulder and have two foldaway legs which support the bag when not being used. Stand bags are bigger than pencil bags and have extra pockets to store clothing and sometimes come with compartments to store water bottles, scorecards and mobile phones.

Trolley/Cart Bags – Usually wider and taller than stand bags to provide even more room for clubs and accessories. As they are designed to be strapped to a trolley or fixed on a cart they don’t have folding legs but will stand up on their own due to having a bigger base. These bags are generally more expensive than the stand bags.

Tour Bags – See the bag that YE Yang was holding above his head after winning the recent PGA Championship at Hazeltine? That is a tour bag. They are the biggest, most expensive and arguably most garish bags available and have everything the best players in the world need.

What I needed was something that was light like a pencil bag, had legs like a stand bag for when I was feeling energetic, could be bolted to a trolley for when I’m not and had plenty of space for all the assorted crap needed for a game in the depths of the British winter. Continuing with the Mizuno obsession I looked around and decided on the Twister III bag (above).

The Twister III is a stand bag with some clever touches. Although it has foldaway legs it has been designed to also fit onto a trolley or cart to offer the best of both worlds. In addition, it has a large wrap around pocket used to store clothes etc that can be taken off to convert it almost into a pencil bag for those trips abroad.

It took some looking but I eventually found the bag in the ‘Staff’ colours of blue and white (everything has to match don’t you know?) It arrived the other day and is fantastic although I did think I needed to buy a rain hood for it until I discovered one tucked in a pocket I had missed on first inspection. Like my clubs, it is almost too good to use but I’m going to bite the bullet and parade it up and down the local municipal.

95 - Fell Off The Back Of A Van...

2009-08-18T17:59:00.004+01:00

My shiny new clubs have arrived, well I say arrived what I actually mean is that I collected them. After conducting a bidding campaign that would have see Napoleon giving me polite applause in recognition of my superlative tactics I eventually ‘won’ a set of Mizuno MP-57’s via the murky world of eBay. Although there are processes in place to protect the buyer and seller there is always a nagging doubt in the back of my mind about the stuff being auctioned.

I’ve bought a lot of stuff from eBay but at £250 the new clubs were my most expensive purchase so I was a little concerned in case they weren’t exactly as described or something happened to them in the post. Fears of a postman volleying them around Liverpool before dumping them in a crumpled mess on my doorstep were quashed when I received an email from the seller telling me he would hand deliver them. Result!

It turned out that the seller only lives a short distance away on the Wirral and would rather bring them over than risk the Royal Mail. Excellent stuff, hand delivered and a chance to check the clubs are genuine while the guy is there. But things soon started to go a bit weird. It seems that the bloke doesn’t know his way around Liverpool very well and asked if I could meet him somewhere we both could find. Not really hand delivered if I had to drive to get them but I would give him the benefit of the doubt.

I got a bit freaked out when he asked if I could meet him in a car park. That nagging doubt in the back of my mind was suddenly a massive paranoia fuelled migraine! Buying golf clubs from the back of a van in a car park? I must have mug stamped on my head.

I contacted the seller to tell him I wasn’t happy about this but got distracted after speaking to him as he came across as a genuine guy (I know, I am a soft touch).

So, there I am in the car park outside the fabulous museum in Liverpool city centre waiting for this random guy to turn up with my bats but I didn’t have a clue who he was. I sent him a text to ask how I would know him; he replied that his name is all over the side of his van. Sure enough, 5 minutes later a little white van with his name pulled up. When I got out of the car I could see the full advert on the side of his van ‘golf club repairs and fitting’. I let out a huge sigh of relief.

We got talking for 10 minutes and he made me check each club to make sure I was absolutely happy – I was, I was ecstatic. He also asked if I was going to bother getting them fitted for loft and lie because if I was he would do the whole set for £45 which is about £25 less than the cheapest price I was quoted when I inquired about it last time. I might take him up on this offer at some point.

What had looked like the dodgiest of dodgy deals had actually turned out very well. The clubs are superb and were delivered with a lot of care and attention. They are lying in order on my couch right now just waiting to be used, the problem is they are too shiny and perfect to put anywhere near a fairway. I might just stroke them for a few days; it seems a waste not to!

94 - Fifth Monday Rant - Loudmouth Fans...

2009-08-17T02:41:00.004+01:00

The PGA Tour event over the weekend has reinforced my belief that certain golf fans are nothing but loudmouthed, ignorant dicks that must have snuck into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn’t looking. To be fair, the vast majority are a credit to the game; it is the 1% who insist on screaming something after each shot that mess with my head.

What is the point in screaming ‘IN THE HOLE!!!’ after a tee shot on a par 5? There is no way on God’s green Earth that anyone is going to get a hole in one on the 627 yard 3rd at Hazeltine yet two halfwits still felt the need to holler it after Tiger Woods’ tee shot on the final round. He couldn’t make the green if he fired his Nike One Platinum from a cannon.

Later on there was an impossibly long approach shot by Woods that was sent down the fairway to a cacophony of almost hysterical screams. I know that Woods is the local hero but howling ‘TIGER!!!’ every time he hits the ball, regardless of if it finds the fairway/green or not, just grates after a while.

The final straw for me came with the shout ‘GET IT ON THE GREEN!!!’ on the par 3 4th. Of course he is going to find the green in fact there is a good chance that he could get a hole in one yet some squeaky voiced bint felt the need to shout it.

What is the point? Is it for encouragement? Does Tiger Woods really need encouragement when leading on the final round of the event?

The irritating barks didn’t just follow Woods though. There were all manner of whoops and hollers as Padraig Harrington and YE Yang fought to reel Eldrick in. After one high flying Harrington chip there was the most ridiculous shout I heard all weekend; ‘SPIN!!!’ Oh come on, for the love of all things holy is that the best they could come up with? At that point I muted the TV.

I understand that fans get caught up in the drama and emotion of the game, especially on the final round of an excellent tournament, but how hard is it to show a little restraint and keep your big mouth shut instead of blurting out a stream of clichéd garbage? Cheers and whoops after the ball has sunk into the hole are fine but spouting crap from tee to green is just retarded.

93 - Quote/Unquote...

2009-08-15T12:20:00.003+01:00

Real golfers, no matter what the provocation, never strike a caddie with the driver. The sand wedge is far more effective. - Huxtable Pippey

The hardest shot is the chip at 90 yards from the green where the ball has to be played against an oak tree, bounces back into a sandtrap, hits a stone, bounces onto the green, and then rolls into the cup. That shot is so difficult; I have only made it once. - Zeppo Marx

The most exquisitely satisfying act in the world of golf is that of throwing a club. The full backswing, the delayed wrist action, the flowing follow-through, followed by that unique whirring sound, reminiscent only of a passing flock of starlings, are without parallel in sport. - Henry Longhurst

One of the nice things about the Senior Tour is that we can take a cart and a cooler. If your game is not going well, you can always have a picnic. - Lee Trevino

Like all Saturday foursomes it is in difficulties. One of the patients is zigzagging about the fairway like a liner pursued by submarines. - P. G. Wodehouse

The average golfer doesn't play golf. He attacks it. - Jackie Burke

My golf game's gone off so much that when I went fishing a couple of weeks ago my first cast missed the lake. - Ben Crenshaw

Few pleasures on earth match the feeling that comes from making a loud bodily-function noise just as a guy is about to putt. - Dave Barry

I'd rather watch a cabbage grow, than a man worrying his guts over a two-foot putt. - Michael Parkinson

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. - Dean Martin

92 - Golf Shorts: Fines / Olympics / John Daly / Challenge Tour...

2009-08-14T00:28:00.009+01:00

It looks like Tiger Woods will not be fined for the comments he made about the officials following his victory at the Bridgestone Invitational. On the final day of the competition Woods was paired with Padraig Harrington in a battle for victory when on the 16th hole referee John Paramor put the pair on the clock as he deemed they had fallen too far behind the pair in front of them.

Harrington managed a triple-bogey on the hole which virtually ended his challenge and Woods was convinced the Irishman rushed three difficult shots because of the actions of the referee. "I don't think that Paddy would have hit the pitch shot that way if he was able to take his time, look at it, analyse it," Woods said. "But he was on the clock, had to get up there quickly and hit it." Normally a player would be fined for speaking out against the officials like this but it looks like Eldrick has gotten away with it.

One thing Woods could get is a gold medal if the International Olympic Committee adds the sport to the 2016 Games. The IOC board will meet today in Berlin to recommend two sports to be added to the games in 7 years by which time Tiger would be 40.

Woods said: "I think golf is a truly global sport and I think it should have been in the Olympics a while ago. If it does get in, I think it would be great for golf and especially some of the other smaller countries that are now emerging in golf." Golf is expected to be one of the two sports selected with Bog Snorkelling being the other.

In an astonishing u-turn, John Daly (left) has agreed to play in Australia again despite vowing never to return. The 43-year-old has confirmed he will take part in the Australian PGA Championship in Queensland and may also play in the Australian Open in Sydney this December.

‘Long John’ Daly has a chequered history in the land down under but the majority of the public seem to love him. In 1997 he annoyed local sponsors who had paid him a large appearance fee when he shot a third round 83 then tore through his final round in just over two hours. Five years later he was disqualified and then fined at the Australian PGA after he threw his putter into a lake and stormed off the course without signing his card. Then 12 months ago he grabbed a spectator's camera and smashed it into a tree during the opening round of the Australian Open. Got to love the Daly.

And finally...

Fancy making a few quid? Why not play in the Challenge Tour’s richest event where you could scoop a share of the €400,000 prize fund? It won’t be easy though, the winner will need to tame an Arnold Palmer designed championship course as well as some of the best players in the second tier of men's professional golf in Europe. So which country is the host for this event? France? Spain? Italy? Nope, it is Borat’s homeland, Kazakhstan!

The fifth edition of the event takes place in September at the Zhailjau Golf Resort in Almaty, Kazakhstan in the shadow of the vast snowcapped Tien Shan mountain range. Director of the Challenge Tour, Alain de Soultrait said: “The Kazakhstan Open is undoubtedly one of the most important tournaments on the Challenge Tour schedule, so it is essential that we find a course capable of staging it. Any course which carries the great Arnold Palmer’s signature is sure to provide a true test.”

91 - Leap Of Faith...

2009-08-13T14:24:00.003+01:00

Erm, I did it, I went out and bought a set of golf clubs but not the ones I’ve been drooling over for the last 12 months. Originally I had my heart set on the Mizuno MX-200’s which are widely regarded as being the best ‘game improver’ clubs on the market (the won best clubs in a recent round up in Today’s Golfer) but I’ve ended up with a set of super sexy MP-57 blades.

As I mentioned in a previous post I was looking around eBay for some new golfing paraphernalia and noticed that certain models of Mizuno club were significantly cheaper than the prices quoted on the online stores. One such model was the MP-57 which has a MRRP of £600 but was on offer for just £275 from a number of sellers. This intrigued me; I had to know what the catch was.

The catch is that although still listed on the official Mizuno website the MP-57’s are now no longer manufactured by the company.

The Japanese firm introduced the MP-52 which didn’t replace the 57 but fitted in as the entry level blade in the range effectively making the clubs I have bought obsolete. Maybe obsolete is not the right word, but with the arrival of the 52 there was no real need for the 57.

Before the 52 was developed the 57 was the most forgiving blade that Mizuno manufactured. It has a small cavity on the back and something called dual muscle technology which helps shift the weight to the bottom of the club to help promote clean, high flight shots. Like the majority of Mizuno clubs the 57’s are grain flow forged to deliver a buttery soft feel.

I’m really looking forward to trying the clubs out as I’ve read a lot of good things about them. Ideally I would have tried before I bought but because of the way they were bought it was impossible. People who write for magazines for a living who get to test every club available love them; users on forums I have read love them so I’m pretty sure I’ll love them too. I’ll let you all know how I get on.

90 - Everything Starts With A Three...

2009-08-12T17:29:00.003+01:00

As mentioned in an earlier post I decided to buy a 3 wood after taking Richie’s advice. My first shot can be wild if I use my MX-560 driver which means I tend to use a hybrid off the tee. The hybrid gives me more control but I lose a fair bit of distance and Richie suggested that a 3 wood could be the answer providing more accuracy aligned with respectable length off the tee with the added bonus of being useful off the fairway.

I scanned the online retailers and eBay and eventually bought a second hand Mizuno F-60 for less than £40. The pictures of the club reassured me as it looked pretty much spotless save for a few tiny marks on the face but until it is in your hands you don’t really know what you are getting from eBay, do you? Well it arrived yesterday and I’m very pleased. Exactly as described, less than half price.

I was concerned that it came with a stiff graphite shaft as I’ve never used one before but a few practice swings helped allay some of these worries. The club feels somewhere between the stiffness of the steel shaft on my old John Daley driver and the flexible graphite on the MX-560.

It is a difficult feel to describe, sort of stiff and floppy at the same time (I realise we are getting dangerously close to ‘Carry On up the Fairway again so I’ll leave it there).

Compared to my driver the head on the F-60 looks tiny in fact it doesn’t look too much bigger than my Howson hybrid which came as a real surprise. Although not exactly the same it is obvious that the F-60 is the MX-560’s little brother, there are a lot of aesthetic touches which are quite similar like the polished sole, the colour scheme and head cover which is almost identical.

I’m looking forward to pinging a few balls up the range with the F-60 to see what it can do. Reviews have been quite favourable although the next generation of Mizuno woods have the edge on the clubs I have now. Hopefully I can find 200+ yards down the centre of the fairway from now on and then work towards my PGA Tour card!

89 - Long And Straight...

2009-08-11T12:42:00.004+01:00

After my disappointing return to the driving range last week I was eager to get back and get practicing. I convinced Lucky to come with me (despite his initial reluctance) and we set about learning how to swing the wrenches again after almost six months away from the game. I had forgotten how difficult golf could be, especially when you are absolutely rubbish at it like me.

The last time I tried to use my MX-560 driver I consistently sliced the ball although by the end of my session the mishit had come in a fair bit but was still irritatingly to the right. My hybrid was, as usual, straight, long and low off the tee – perfect for windy conditions. I mentioned in another post that Richie’s advice was to focus on using the consistent hybrid until I could tame the big driver.

A few shots with the hybrid had me concerned; the straightness and consistency seemed to have evaporated being replaced with hooks, slices and the odd shank. It took half a dozen shots before I got back into the groove and started making clean strikes again. Just for a break I turned to the driver to let Lucky hear the loud noise it created when it is caught just right. I was stunned by the shots that resulted.

I hit six balls (they are always in batches of six – don’t know why but they have to be hit this way!) with the driver, each went straight and soared high and long down the range. It was a complete change from the last time I had been at the range and Lucky was impressed both with the noise from the driver and the shots it produced. I assumed it was a fluke so tried another six balls and hit another six good drives which brought a Cheshire Cat-like grin to my face.

My drives were going so far, so high and so straight that they started attracting the attention of other people at the range, particularly a guy in the bay next to us who was fizzing some decent shots up the field.

After one immense, arrow straight, ridiculously long drive he quipped “Who do you think you are, Tiger Woods?!” If I was Kryten from Red Dwarf I would have gone into ‘Smug Mode’.

I got talking to the guy and he was asking what driver I was using and what handicap I play off. He was amazed by how little the driver cost and the fact I haven’t got a real handicap yet (but I’m pretty confident it would be around the 28 mark). He was very complimentary about my game which made me think that I must have improved in the last year although saying that he only saw me hit a few drives I suppose.

Things were not going so well for Lucky though, he couldn’t hit a cows behind with a banjo! All his drives were slicing a ridiculous amount and his shots were not getting the customary two miles of air under them. He was struggling badly and getting more and more frustrated. I explained to him that I was exactly the same last week but it didn’t seem to make any difference although he did cheer up a bit when he beat me on the chipping challenge.

While at the range I had a bit of an epiphany when I found that I could hit the same shot over and over with my 5 iron. I was messing around trying lazy swings and found I could hit sweet shots consistently by using a three-quarter swing and concentrating on a good follow through. For the first time ever I could predict with a degree of certainty where the ball would land.

By the end of the session I was itching to play again. My driving was 100% better, my hybrid shots eventually returned to their consistent best and my iron shots were a revelation. Lucky was downbeat but I assured him that he would be miles better next time. Roll on the next session.

88 - Fourth Monday Rant - Cover Flaps...

2009-08-10T17:56:00.004+01:00

When I started doing these Monday rants I mentioned that some of them would be serious, some not so serious and some just plain stupid. Today is a stupid day. Well you lot will probably think it is stupid but it is something that annoys the life out of me. The subject of today’s rant is cover flaps on magazines. There is a very obvious joke about flaps on the cover of magazines and publications like Playboy, Hustler and Penthouse. I’m not going to stoop to that level.

A cover flap, for those who are wondering what the hell I’m going on about, is when the magazine producers decide to whore themselves to one of the big manufacturers and put an advert behind the front cover underneath two flaps. Before you get to the advertisement laden publication there is the pleasure of a double page spread announcing the latest and greatest in golf tee technology from TaylorMade.

When FootJoy have an insert within the magazine promoting the massive leaps in shoelace design they have made it forces me to grimace, when my copy of Golf Whine Monthly arrives with a free supplement explaining how Callaway’s new towel will change the way I play golf forever I start twitching like someone from One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest but flaps on the cover of magazines send me over the edge.

These extra revenue generating pains in the arse probably seem like a good idea to the Editor in Chief of the publication but all they do is drive me to absolute distraction. I think I have a bit of OCD going on as I like to keep my magazines in pristine condition even after they have been pored over, scrutinised and fingered. The extra flaps make this exercise that bit more difficult as the cover almost always curves up like some creepy triffid.

The extra bits of cover also make it a little more difficult to hold the magazine when reading it. Don’t believe me? Try it. The front of it lolls around like a love sick teenager sitting next to the girl of his dreams when babysitting in her aunt’s house in the summer holidays...or something. Anyway, it doesn’t help the reading experience one bit.

We pay £4 for a magazine that is already filled with adverts for everything you could possibly imagine using in the sport of golf yet they still try and ring out a few more quid from the manufacturers by offering up the front cover. To me it is like publication prostitution but, unlike the ladies of low moral fibre who offer themselves up to men, once the flaps are open it is difficult to get them shut again.

(I’ve just read that article back again and there is so much innuendo in it I was toying with calling it ‘Carry On up the Fairway’. I apologise to anyone who I’ve offended).

87 - Quote/Unquote...

2009-08-08T14:56:00.003+01:00

If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him. - Bob Hope

Our guess is that the inventor of scopolamine, the truth-forcing drug, grew weary of listening to golf scores. - Colorado Springs Gazette

Some guys get so nervous playing for their own money, the greens don't need fertilising for a year. - Dave Hill

I don't care to join any club that's prepared to have me as a member. - Groucho Marx

Some players would complain if they had to play on Dolly Parton's bedspread. - Jimmy Demaret

I'm hitting the driver so good, I gotta dial the operator for long distance after I hit it. - Lee Trevino

According to locker-room lore, the name golf arose by default - all the other four-letter words had already been taken. - George Pepper

Any game where a man 60 can beat a man 30 ain't no game. - Burt Shotten

Golf is an ineffectual attempt to direct an uncontrollable sphere into an inaccessible hole with instruments ill-adapted to the purpose. - Sir Winston Churchill

It's not polite to pick up a lost ball before it stops rolling.  - Anonymous

86 - Golf Shorts: Tiger / Mickelson / Buick / Schmidt...

2009-08-07T13:48:00.008+01:00

The papers, sports sites and blogs have been quick to sharpen the knife (then stick it to Eldrick) this week. If Tiger Woods doesn’t win the upcoming PGA Championship at Hazeltine, he will finish 2009 without a major title. This, it seems, is a disaster despite the great man already racking up four victories this season. I’m sure Woods will be gutted if he goes a whole year without a major victory to his name but he can always console himself by checking his bank balance.

Phil Mickelson (below) returned to the PGA Tour after missing the last six weeks to care for his wife and mother after both where diagnosed with breast cancer. "Things at home are going much better. We've had a great six weeks," said Mickelson. "We're in a much better place now than we were. I'm excited about that. I'm excited about the chance to play a little golf too." The world number 2 took part in the Bridgestone Invitational in Akron, Ohio ahead of next week's PGA Championship.

In a moment of common sense Buick confirmed they will no longer be sponsoring golf tournaments. Buick’s parent company General Motors are making workers redundant as the global recession hits hard so it would be in extreme bad taste for them to splash the cash to get their name plastered all over the TV footage from one of the immaculate courses dotted around the US.

It isn’t just Buick pulling out; there are at least another 10 tournaments in America that could be without a main sponsor after 2010 as the big corporations tighten their belts and slash their advertising budgets.

And finally...

Most players would give anything to be a professional but one man was planning on taking the United States Golf Association to court to reinstate his amateur status.

The fantastically named Dusty Schmidt recently dropped a lawsuit against the governing body when he was advised by his legal team that he probably wouldn’t win.

Schmidt is a former top junior golfer who went on to play professionally but took a break from the sport when he suffered a heart attack in 2004 aged just 23. While recuperating he started playing online poker and now is one of the games top players earning over $3m in prize money. When his health improved in 2006 he successfully applied to regain his amateur status but it all went wrong this April when he issued a $1m challenge on his website for a combined poker and golf competition.

As Schmidt was playing for cash the USGA revoked his amateur status. Schmidt refuted the decision because no-one took him up on the challenge so he didn’t actually play for money! The golf association ignored his plea because the challenge was "detrimental to the best interests of the amateur game." The poker ace is now back in training and is hoping to compete in some professional events. If you can’t beat ‘em eh?

85 - The Oakley Cokey...

2009-08-06T00:52:00.005+01:00

So the other day I was moaning about the Lyle & Scott brigade and agreeing with Chris Evans when he said that he likes golf he just doesn’t like looking like a golfer. With this in mind I went on a bit of an online shopping spree to stock up on some new fairway clobber that looked as far removed from the diamond jumper and slacks set as possible.

I’ll be honest, I haven’t got the right ‘build’ for the more designer kit out there – you need snake hips and pecks (not moobs) to pull the desired look off, which means I’m kinda out of luck. I need something a little more casual, something with a more relaxed fit if you know what I’m getting at? Ok, something to cover my ever-expanding gut!

Being a fussy sod I also wanted to steer away from the label encrusted gear that seems the norm in the golf world.

On the subject of labels, it was bad enough when company’s splashed their names all over you clothing but now they have started teaming up to do it. I noticed that recently TaylorMade and Adidas have teamed up to produce a range that is covered in logos – nice.

I like the idea of wearing stuff that isn’t the norm on the course without overstepping the all-important rules, which got me looking at brands I wouldn’t normally associate with golf.

One of these brands was Oakley who are more famous for their sunglasses and surf wear than their involvement in golf (although they do provide someone called Ricky Barnes (left) with his apparel).

A quick look at their range show plenty of casual polo shirts with subtle logos, less formal looking chino/Dockers/cargo type pants and stylish caps. It is the type of stuff you could wear away from the course without looking like you have just finished a round and haven’t had time to get changed. It is right up my street so I ordered a load of it!

The next time I’m at the local municipal I’m gonna look good, resplendent in my slacker-fit cargo pants and loose polo shirt safe in the knowledge that I have the appropriate attire on without a hint of knitwear, pastel slacks or logo infested caps. Oh yeah, and some of it isn’t even black!

84 - Golf Lesson (Write This Down)...

2009-08-05T22:02:00.002+01:00

83 - Third Monday Rant - Tiger Woods 2010...

2009-08-03T02:19:00.008+01:00

I’ve just read that the latest incarnation of EA’s Tiger Woods tailors the in game weather conditions to match those currently at the courses included in the game via the Weather Channel. Why? Why do I want to play a video game that mirrors the shitty weather outside? If I wanted to hack at a ball in something approaching a monsoon I’d just nip to the nearest municipal in the summer wearing my wellys.

Does anyone enjoy playing golf in rain with the wind howling? Maybe there are some masochists out there but who, hand on heart, would enjoy slashing their way around the Old Course at St Andrews with a 30mph wind from the North Sea dumping every drive into one of the billion B&B’s that surround the venue? Well now Tiger Woods 2010 lets you do just that from the comfort of your own living room. Pointless.

Also, you can buy the game for the Nintendo Wii bundled with a new dongle called Wii Motion Plus that plugs into the controller and increases the sensitivity of the controller so much it can detect that you have changed the angle of the club face to add things like draw/fade etc.

Again, why? The point of playing a video game is to have a bit of escapism not to replicate real world problems in front of a television. I can’t produce draw on the course so chances are I can’t on the game.

But wait, what if I practice and practice and practice until I can draw the ball at will on the game, surely I’ll be able to transfer that skill to the course as the game is so realistic? Yeah right. There is more chance of me getting a job as an oil boy at the next ‘Hollyoaks Babes’ calendar shoot (above) than that happening – and don’t call me Shirley.

Why do games producers feel the need to add crap like this? The obvious answer is that they think that more features equal a better a game but sometimes less is more. Instead of spending hundreds of hours perfecting these two new features why not include another course or two? I’d much rather play Royal Birkdale than have the life irritated out of my by digital drizzle as I slice the ball into the virtual sea.

82 - Quote/Unquote...

2009-08-02T12:41:00.003+01:00

Tee the ball high. Because years of experience have shown me that air offers less resistance than dirt. - Jack Nicklaus

I plan to win so much money this year, my caddie's gonna finish in the Top 20 money winners. - Lee Trevino

The only thing that scares me (about the Ryder Cup) is the Americans' dress sense. - Mark James

If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't waste energy going back to pick it up. - Tommy Bolt

The safest place for spectators in celebrity tournaments is probably on the fairway. - Joe Garagiola

Golfers don't fist fight. They cuss a bit. But they wouldn't punch anything or anybody. They might hurt their hands and have to change their grip. - Dan Jenkins

Scotland is a peculiar land that is the birthplace of golf and sport salmon fishing, a fact which may explain why it is also the birthplace of whisky. - Henry Beard

Gay Brewer swings the club in a figure of eight. If you didn't know better, you'd swear he was trying to kill snakes. - Dave Hill

'Play It As It Lies' is one of the fundamental dictates of golf. The other one is 'Wear It If It Clashes'. - Henry Beard

We've had it easy. When it blows here (St Andrews), even the seagulls walk. - Nick Faldo