Monday 24 August 2009

99 - Quote/Unquote...

In 1981, Tom Sieckmann won the Philippine Open, the Thailand Open and the Singapore Open, leaving him second only to the US Marines for victories in the Pacific. - Gary Nuhm

I'd like to see the fairways more narrow. Then everybody would have to play from the rough, not just me. - Seve Ballesteros

The greens (at Winged Foot Golf Club, New York) are harder than a whore's heart. - Sam Snead

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. - George Deukmejian

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best. - Jack Nicklaus

Golf. You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks. - Anonymous

Why am I using a new putter? Because the old one didn't float too well. - Craig Stadler

They say I'm famous for my chip shots. Sure, when I hit 'em right, they land just so, like a butterfly with sore feet. - Lee Trevino

I was swinging like a toilet door on a prawn trawler. - David Feherty

By the time you get to your ball, if you don't know what to do with it, try another sport. - Julian Boros

Friday 21 August 2009

98 - Golf Shorts - PGA Championship...

This week’s Golf Shorts is dominated by the recent PGA Championship event at Hazeltine. From the shock win to the foulmouthed rants, the philosophical outlook of a nearly man to the International Bright Young Thing tipped for greatness, from the Englishman quietly climbing the World Rankings to bookmaker that lost out big time there is plenty to talk about. Let’s start with the new lifestyle of the now rich and now famous Yang Yong-eun.

There are many perks to being a PGA Champion, the most obvious being the prize money and increased revenue from sponsors. With his win at Hazeltine the South Korean (below) picked up a tasty £820,000 bringing his season earnings to £1.95m. As the champion he will be in demand and it is estimated he could receive another £900,000 in appearance fees too. Not bad for a relatively unknown player who was 150/1 at the start of the tournament.

Brewstered...But it isn’t all about the Benjamin’s. As a Major winner he is exempt from qualification for five years, will receive complimentary first-class travel to events, be put up in the best hotels and will even have his own parking space! Yes, his own parking space! As the big cheese he will also benefit from more conveniently scheduled tee times, something that can have a positive impact on a golfer’s game apparently.

If Yang was the big winner there is little doubt that Tiger Woods was the biggest loser on the course that day. The most recognisable golfer on the planet had a comfortable lead going into the last round but a series of missed putts combined with some stunning shots from the South Korean meant that Woods lost by 3 shots. To add insult to injury Eldrick was caught on TV swearing after missing his par putt at the 17th, when he repeatedly shouted the word "f***". Naughty Mr. Woods.

Another epic fail came in the shape of Padraig Harrington who was a serious contender until he decided to play like seasoned muni hacker. The Irishman was going along quite nicely until the eighth hole when he eventually holed out for an impressive quintuple bogey that effectively ended a challenge that had looked so promising.

The likeable Dubliner was philosophical about his exploits at the eighth: “It was a difficult tee shot and it was obviously a difficult second shot after you hit it in the water and pulled it into the rough. I had been changing my chipping action a little, and I probably was more into what I was doing rather than trying to get the ball up-and-down, and I hit a bad shot. So these things happen.”

Things went better for young Rory McIlroy (below) as he recorded his best finish at a Major tournament. The 20-year-old with the comedy hair finished joint third with fellow Brit, Lee Westwood. While all around him struggled, McIlroy managed to sink birdies at the third, fourth, fifth and ninth to finish the round three under par. This was his best result, eclipsing the 10th-place finish at this year’s US Open.

Sideshow Bob...Westwood’s reward for finishing 3rd was to move back into the top ten in the World Rankings: 1 Tiger Woods 14.24pts, 2 Phil Mickelson 7.96, 3 Paul Casey 6.58, 4 Kenny Perry 6.11, 5 Henrik Stenson 5.93, 6 Steve Stricker 5.85, 7 Sergio Garcia 5.68, 8 Geoff Ogilvy 5.49, 9 Lee Westwood 5.24, 10 Stewart Cink 5.10. In addition Westwood has also sneaked into fourth place in European Tour's 'Race To Dubai' money list.

And finally

Irish Bookmakers Paddy Power were left fuming after Woods snatched defeat from the jaws of victory at Hazeltine. Renowned for settling its bets early, they paid out to all backers of Woods after just 36 holes when the world number one was four shots clear at odds of 1/5. This slip up cost them a whopping £1.3m but Paddy Power are still quids in after Harrington’s charge faltered at the 8th.

"It takes a special kind of dimwit to turn what should have been our best ever golf result into our worst," the company said in a statement. "Paddy Power punters are obviously the big winners here and have made like bandits getting paid out on Tiger as a winner. Our only saving grace is that Harrington didn't do the business, thank God!"

Thursday 20 August 2009

97 - Geeky Fetishes And Snobby Aspirations...

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I like playing golf but don’t really like looking like a golfer which is why I decided to buy clothes from Oakley, a company not normally associated with golf. I also talked about the good advice I received when I first got into golf a year ago suggesting I spend a bit of money on some decent golf shoes which is why when looking for a new pair I went for some that were not your usual clogs.

I wanted a pair of all black shoes as they look less like golf footwear and are also easier to keep clean. I had a flick through Golf Whine Monthly and everything seemed to point to a pair of FootJoy’s but after my mini run in with Acushnet (the parent company of Titleist, Cobra and FootJoy) I decided to give my hard earned beer tokens to someone else.

Clogs...There is a lot of choice out there but when I found a pair of shoes that were reassuringly expensive and had inert gas inserts from a strange sounding company I was sold! The company is Stuburt and the shoes are the funky sounding Oxygen Pro (left). The geek in me was intrigued by the inserts and the snob loved the fact that no-one else would have them (or possibly even heard of them).

They are big, clunky, shoes that have full leather uppers with a patented membrane to keep your feet totally dry. Inside there is a ‘liquicell foot bed’ which apparently reduces friction and heat while increasing blood flow to your feet – I think that is a fancy way of saying that the innersoles aren’t your average Odour Eater crap.

I’m very impressed by how comfortable the shoes are, it is like wearing slippers. I’m looking forward to seeing how well they perform in the pouring down rain in 2 inches of mud and how easy it is to keep them looking good.

Wednesday 19 August 2009

96 - Lets Twist Again...

Hot on the heels of my delicious new Mizuno MP-57’s came another golf purchase. Although my shiny new clubs looked fantastic just laying on the couch, aching to be stroked, my lovely fiancée told me I had to get them shifted which meant buying a new golf bag. There is a lot of choice out there when it comes to bags although they can be broadly broken down into four different types, each with their own plus and minus points.

Pencil Bags – These are designed to be as light as possible for when there is no need to lug things like waterproofs around. These are usually the cheapest bag option and are a convenient, no frills way to hoik around a handful of clubs for a quick 9 holes in the sun.

Stand Bags – These bags are carried over the shoulder and have two foldaway legs which support the bag when not being used. Stand bags are bigger than pencil bags and have extra pockets to store clothing and sometimes come with compartments to store water bottles, scorecards and mobile phones.

Twister IIITrolley/Cart Bags – Usually wider and taller than stand bags to provide even more room for clubs and accessories. As they are designed to be strapped to a trolley or fixed on a cart they don’t have folding legs but will stand up on their own due to having a bigger base. These bags are generally more expensive than the stand bags.

Tour Bags – See the bag that YE Yang was holding above his head after winning the recent PGA Championship at Hazeltine? That is a tour bag. They are the biggest, most expensive and arguably most garish bags available and have everything the best players in the world need.

What I needed was something that was light like a pencil bag, had legs like a stand bag for when I was feeling energetic, could be bolted to a trolley for when I’m not and had plenty of space for all the assorted crap needed for a game in the depths of the British winter. Continuing with the Mizuno obsession I looked around and decided on the Twister III bag (above).

The Twister III is a stand bag with some clever touches. Although it has foldaway legs it has been designed to also fit onto a trolley or cart to offer the best of both worlds. In addition, it has a large wrap around pocket used to store clothes etc that can be taken off to convert it almost into a pencil bag for those trips abroad.

It took some looking but I eventually found the bag in the ‘Staff’ colours of blue and white (everything has to match don’t you know?) It arrived the other day and is fantastic although I did think I needed to buy a rain hood for it until I discovered one tucked in a pocket I had missed on first inspection. Like my clubs, it is almost too good to use but I’m going to bite the bullet and parade it up and down the local municipal.

Tuesday 18 August 2009

95 - Fell Off The Back Of A Van...

My shiny new clubs have arrived, well I say arrived what I actually mean is that I collected them. After conducting a bidding campaign that would have see Napoleon giving me polite applause in recognition of my superlative tactics I eventually ‘won’ a set of Mizuno MP-57’s via the murky world of eBay. Although there are processes in place to protect the buyer and seller there is always a nagging doubt in the back of my mind about the stuff being auctioned.

I’ve bought a lot of stuff from eBay but at £250 the new clubs were my most expensive purchase so I was a little concerned in case they weren’t exactly as described or something happened to them in the post. Fears of a postman volleying them around Liverpool before dumping them in a crumpled mess on my doorstep were quashed when I received an email from the seller telling me he would hand deliver them. Result!

It turned out that the seller only lives a short distance away on the Wirral and would rather bring them over than risk the Royal Mail. Excellent stuff, hand delivered and a chance to check the clubs are genuine while the guy is there. But things soon started to go a bit weird. It seems that the bloke doesn’t know his way around Liverpool very well and asked if I could meet him somewhere we both could find. Not really hand delivered if I had to drive to get them but I would give him the benefit of the doubt.

Beautiful...I got a bit freaked out when he asked if I could meet him in a car park. That nagging doubt in the back of my mind was suddenly a massive paranoia fuelled migraine! Buying golf clubs from the back of a van in a car park? I must have mug stamped on my head.

I contacted the seller to tell him I wasn’t happy about this but got distracted after speaking to him as he came across as a genuine guy (I know, I am a soft touch).

So, there I am in the car park outside the fabulous museum in Liverpool city centre waiting for this random guy to turn up with my bats but I didn’t have a clue who he was. I sent him a text to ask how I would know him; he replied that his name is all over the side of his van. Sure enough, 5 minutes later a little white van with his name pulled up. When I got out of the car I could see the full advert on the side of his van ‘golf club repairs and fitting’. I let out a huge sigh of relief.

We got talking for 10 minutes and he made me check each club to make sure I was absolutely happy – I was, I was ecstatic. He also asked if I was going to bother getting them fitted for loft and lie because if I was he would do the whole set for £45 which is about £25 less than the cheapest price I was quoted when I inquired about it last time. I might take him up on this offer at some point.

What had looked like the dodgiest of dodgy deals had actually turned out very well. The clubs are superb and were delivered with a lot of care and attention. They are lying in order on my couch right now just waiting to be used, the problem is they are too shiny and perfect to put anywhere near a fairway. I might just stroke them for a few days; it seems a waste not to!

Monday 17 August 2009

94 - Fifth Monday Rant - Loudmouth Fans...

The PGA Tour event over the weekend has reinforced my belief that certain golf fans are nothing but loudmouthed, ignorant dicks that must have snuck into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn’t looking. To be fair, the vast majority are a credit to the game; it is the 1% who insist on screaming something after each shot that mess with my head.

What is the point in screaming ‘IN THE HOLE!!!’ after a tee shot on a par 5? There is no way on God’s green Earth that anyone is going to get a hole in one on the 627 yard 3rd at Hazeltine yet two halfwits still felt the need to holler it after Tiger Woods’ tee shot on the final round. He couldn’t make the green if he fired his Nike One Platinum from a cannon.

Later on there was an impossibly long approach shot by Woods that was sent down the fairway to a cacophony of almost hysterical screams. I know that Woods is the local hero but howling ‘TIGER!!!’ every time he hits the ball, regardless of if it finds the fairway/green or not, just grates after a while.

TIGER!!!The final straw for me came with the shout ‘GET IT ON THE GREEN!!!’ on the par 3 4th. Of course he is going to find the green in fact there is a good chance that he could get a hole in one yet some squeaky voiced bint felt the need to shout it.

What is the point? Is it for encouragement? Does Tiger Woods really need encouragement when leading on the final round of the event?

The irritating barks didn’t just follow Woods though. There were all manner of whoops and hollers as Padraig Harrington and YE Yang fought to reel Eldrick in. After one high flying Harrington chip there was the most ridiculous shout I heard all weekend; ‘SPIN!!!’ Oh come on, for the love of all things holy is that the best they could come up with? At that point I muted the TV.

I understand that fans get caught up in the drama and emotion of the game, especially on the final round of an excellent tournament, but how hard is it to show a little restraint and keep your big mouth shut instead of blurting out a stream of clichéd garbage? Cheers and whoops after the ball has sunk into the hole are fine but spouting crap from tee to green is just retarded.

Saturday 15 August 2009

93 - Quote/Unquote...

Real golfers, no matter what the provocation, never strike a caddie with the driver. The sand wedge is far more effective. - Huxtable Pippey

The hardest shot is the chip at 90 yards from the green where the ball has to be played against an oak tree, bounces back into a sandtrap, hits a stone, bounces onto the green, and then rolls into the cup. That shot is so difficult; I have only made it once. - Zeppo Marx

The most exquisitely satisfying act in the world of golf is that of throwing a club. The full backswing, the delayed wrist action, the flowing follow-through, followed by that unique whirring sound, reminiscent only of a passing flock of starlings, are without parallel in sport. - Henry Longhurst

One of the nice things about the Senior Tour is that we can take a cart and a cooler. If your game is not going well, you can always have a picnic. - Lee Trevino

Like all Saturday foursomes it is in difficulties. One of the patients is zigzagging about the fairway like a liner pursued by submarines. - P. G. Wodehouse

The average golfer doesn't play golf. He attacks it. - Jackie Burke

My golf game's gone off so much that when I went fishing a couple of weeks ago my first cast missed the lake. - Ben Crenshaw

Few pleasures on earth match the feeling that comes from making a loud bodily-function noise just as a guy is about to putt. - Dave Barry

I'd rather watch a cabbage grow, than a man worrying his guts over a two-foot putt. - Michael Parkinson

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. - Dean Martin

Friday 14 August 2009

92 - Golf Shorts: Fines / Olympics / John Daly / Challenge Tour...

It looks like Tiger Woods will not be fined for the comments he made about the officials following his victory at the Bridgestone Invitational. On the final day of the competition Woods was paired with Padraig Harrington in a battle for victory when on the 16th hole referee John Paramor put the pair on the clock as he deemed they had fallen too far behind the pair in front of them.

Harrington managed a triple-bogey on the hole which virtually ended his challenge and Woods was convinced the Irishman rushed three difficult shots because of the actions of the referee. "I don't think that Paddy would have hit the pitch shot that way if he was able to take his time, look at it, analyse it," Woods said. "But he was on the clock, had to get up there quickly and hit it." Normally a player would be fined for speaking out against the officials like this but it looks like Eldrick has gotten away with it.

One thing Woods could get is a gold medal if the International Olympic Committee adds the sport to the 2016 Games. The IOC board will meet today in Berlin to recommend two sports to be added to the games in 7 years by which time Tiger would be 40.

Beautiful...Woods said: "I think golf is a truly global sport and I think it should have been in the Olympics a while ago. If it does get in, I think it would be great for golf and especially some of the other smaller countries that are now emerging in golf." Golf is expected to be one of the two sports selected with Bog Snorkelling being the other.

In an astonishing u-turn, John Daly (left) has agreed to play in Australia again despite vowing never to return. The 43-year-old has confirmed he will take part in the Australian PGA Championship in Queensland and may also play in the Australian Open in Sydney this December.

‘Long John’ Daly has a chequered history in the land down under but the majority of the public seem to love him. In 1997 he annoyed local sponsors who had paid him a large appearance fee when he shot a third round 83 then tore through his final round in just over two hours. Five years later he was disqualified and then fined at the Australian PGA after he threw his putter into a lake and stormed off the course without signing his card. Then 12 months ago he grabbed a spectator's camera and smashed it into a tree during the opening round of the Australian Open. Got to love the Daly.

And finally...

Fancy making a few quid? Why not play in the Challenge Tour’s richest event where you could scoop a share of the €400,000 prize fund? It won’t be easy though, the winner will need to tame an Arnold Palmer designed championship course as well as some of the best players in the second tier of men's professional golf in Europe. So which country is the host for this event? France? Spain? Italy? Nope, it is Borat’s homeland, Kazakhstan!

The fifth edition of the event takes place in September at the Zhailjau Golf Resort in Almaty, Kazakhstan in the shadow of the vast snowcapped Tien Shan mountain range. Director of the Challenge Tour, Alain de Soultrait said: “The Kazakhstan Open is undoubtedly one of the most important tournaments on the Challenge Tour schedule, so it is essential that we find a course capable of staging it. Any course which carries the great Arnold Palmer’s signature is sure to provide a true test.”

Thursday 13 August 2009

91 - Leap Of Faith...

Erm, I did it, I went out and bought a set of golf clubs but not the ones I’ve been drooling over for the last 12 months. Originally I had my heart set on the Mizuno MX-200’s which are widely regarded as being the best ‘game improver’ clubs on the market (the won best clubs in a recent round up in Today’s Golfer) but I’ve ended up with a set of super sexy MP-57 blades.

As I mentioned in a previous post I was looking around eBay for some new golfing paraphernalia and noticed that certain models of Mizuno club were significantly cheaper than the prices quoted on the online stores. One such model was the MP-57 which has a MRRP of £600 but was on offer for just £275 from a number of sellers. This intrigued me; I had to know what the catch was.

MP-57The catch is that although still listed on the official Mizuno website the MP-57’s are now no longer manufactured by the company.

The Japanese firm introduced the MP-52 which didn’t replace the 57 but fitted in as the entry level blade in the range effectively making the clubs I have bought obsolete. Maybe obsolete is not the right word, but with the arrival of the 52 there was no real need for the 57.

Before the 52 was developed the 57 was the most forgiving blade that Mizuno manufactured. It has a small cavity on the back and something called dual muscle technology which helps shift the weight to the bottom of the club to help promote clean, high flight shots. Like the majority of Mizuno clubs the 57’s are grain flow forged to deliver a buttery soft feel.

I’m really looking forward to trying the clubs out as I’ve read a lot of good things about them. Ideally I would have tried before I bought but because of the way they were bought it was impossible. People who write for magazines for a living who get to test every club available love them; users on forums I have read love them so I’m pretty sure I’ll love them too. I’ll let you all know how I get on.

Wednesday 12 August 2009

90 - Everything Starts With A Three...

As mentioned in an earlier post I decided to buy a 3 wood after taking Richie’s advice. My first shot can be wild if I use my MX-560 driver which means I tend to use a hybrid off the tee. The hybrid gives me more control but I lose a fair bit of distance and Richie suggested that a 3 wood could be the answer providing more accuracy aligned with respectable length off the tee with the added bonus of being useful off the fairway.

I scanned the online retailers and eBay and eventually bought a second hand Mizuno F-60 for less than £40. The pictures of the club reassured me as it looked pretty much spotless save for a few tiny marks on the face but until it is in your hands you don’t really know what you are getting from eBay, do you? Well it arrived yesterday and I’m very pleased. Exactly as described, less than half price.

F-60I was concerned that it came with a stiff graphite shaft as I’ve never used one before but a few practice swings helped allay some of these worries. The club feels somewhere between the stiffness of the steel shaft on my old John Daley driver and the flexible graphite on the MX-560.

It is a difficult feel to describe, sort of stiff and floppy at the same time (I realise we are getting dangerously close to ‘Carry On up the Fairway again so I’ll leave it there).

Compared to my driver the head on the F-60 looks tiny in fact it doesn’t look too much bigger than my Howson hybrid which came as a real surprise. Although not exactly the same it is obvious that the F-60 is the MX-560’s little brother, there are a lot of aesthetic touches which are quite similar like the polished sole, the colour scheme and head cover which is almost identical.

I’m looking forward to pinging a few balls up the range with the F-60 to see what it can do. Reviews have been quite favourable although the next generation of Mizuno woods have the edge on the clubs I have now. Hopefully I can find 200+ yards down the centre of the fairway from now on and then work towards my PGA Tour card!

Tuesday 11 August 2009

89 - Long And Straight...

After my disappointing return to the driving range last week I was eager to get back and get practicing. I convinced Lucky to come with me (despite his initial reluctance) and we set about learning how to swing the wrenches again after almost six months away from the game. I had forgotten how difficult golf could be, especially when you are absolutely rubbish at it like me.

The last time I tried to use my MX-560 driver I consistently sliced the ball although by the end of my session the mishit had come in a fair bit but was still irritatingly to the right. My hybrid was, as usual, straight, long and low off the tee – perfect for windy conditions. I mentioned in another post that Richie’s advice was to focus on using the consistent hybrid until I could tame the big driver.

A few shots with the hybrid had me concerned; the straightness and consistency seemed to have evaporated being replaced with hooks, slices and the odd shank. It took half a dozen shots before I got back into the groove and started making clean strikes again. Just for a break I turned to the driver to let Lucky hear the loud noise it created when it is caught just right. I was stunned by the shots that resulted.

I hit six balls (they are always in batches of six – don’t know why but they have to be hit this way!) with the driver, each went straight and soared high and long down the range. It was a complete change from the last time I had been at the range and Lucky was impressed both with the noise from the driver and the shots it produced. I assumed it was a fluke so tried another six balls and hit another six good drives which brought a Cheshire Cat-like grin to my face.

The Range...My drives were going so far, so high and so straight that they started attracting the attention of other people at the range, particularly a guy in the bay next to us who was fizzing some decent shots up the field.

After one immense, arrow straight, ridiculously long drive he quipped “Who do you think you are, Tiger Woods?!” If I was Kryten from Red Dwarf I would have gone into ‘Smug Mode’.

I got talking to the guy and he was asking what driver I was using and what handicap I play off. He was amazed by how little the driver cost and the fact I haven’t got a real handicap yet (but I’m pretty confident it would be around the 28 mark). He was very complimentary about my game which made me think that I must have improved in the last year although saying that he only saw me hit a few drives I suppose.

Things were not going so well for Lucky though, he couldn’t hit a cows behind with a banjo! All his drives were slicing a ridiculous amount and his shots were not getting the customary two miles of air under them. He was struggling badly and getting more and more frustrated. I explained to him that I was exactly the same last week but it didn’t seem to make any difference although he did cheer up a bit when he beat me on the chipping challenge.

While at the range I had a bit of an epiphany when I found that I could hit the same shot over and over with my 5 iron. I was messing around trying lazy swings and found I could hit sweet shots consistently by using a three-quarter swing and concentrating on a good follow through. For the first time ever I could predict with a degree of certainty where the ball would land.

By the end of the session I was itching to play again. My driving was 100% better, my hybrid shots eventually returned to their consistent best and my iron shots were a revelation. Lucky was downbeat but I assured him that he would be miles better next time. Roll on the next session.

Monday 10 August 2009

88 - Fourth Monday Rant - Cover Flaps...

When I started doing these Monday rants I mentioned that some of them would be serious, some not so serious and some just plain stupid. Today is a stupid day. Well you lot will probably think it is stupid but it is something that annoys the life out of me. The subject of today’s rant is cover flaps on magazines. There is a very obvious joke about flaps on the cover of magazines and publications like Playboy, Hustler and Penthouse. I’m not going to stoop to that level.

A cover flap, for those who are wondering what the hell I’m going on about, is when the magazine producers decide to whore themselves to one of the big manufacturers and put an advert behind the front cover underneath two flaps. Before you get to the advertisement laden publication there is the pleasure of a double page spread announcing the latest and greatest in golf tee technology from TaylorMade.

Carry On up the Fairway?When FootJoy have an insert within the magazine promoting the massive leaps in shoelace design they have made it forces me to grimace, when my copy of Golf Whine Monthly arrives with a free supplement explaining how Callaway’s new towel will change the way I play golf forever I start twitching like someone from One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest but flaps on the cover of magazines send me over the edge.

These extra revenue generating pains in the arse probably seem like a good idea to the Editor in Chief of the publication but all they do is drive me to absolute distraction. I think I have a bit of OCD going on as I like to keep my magazines in pristine condition even after they have been pored over, scrutinised and fingered. The extra flaps make this exercise that bit more difficult as the cover almost always curves up like some creepy triffid.

The extra bits of cover also make it a little more difficult to hold the magazine when reading it. Don’t believe me? Try it. The front of it lolls around like a love sick teenager sitting next to the girl of his dreams when babysitting in her aunt’s house in the summer holidays...or something. Anyway, it doesn’t help the reading experience one bit.

We pay £4 for a magazine that is already filled with adverts for everything you could possibly imagine using in the sport of golf yet they still try and ring out a few more quid from the manufacturers by offering up the front cover. To me it is like publication prostitution but, unlike the ladies of low moral fibre who offer themselves up to men, once the flaps are open it is difficult to get them shut again.

(I’ve just read that article back again and there is so much innuendo in it I was toying with calling it ‘Carry On up the Fairway’. I apologise to anyone who I’ve offended).

Saturday 8 August 2009

87 - Quote/Unquote...

If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him. - Bob Hope

Our guess is that the inventor of scopolamine, the truth-forcing drug, grew weary of listening to golf scores. - Colorado Springs Gazette

Some guys get so nervous playing for their own money, the greens don't need fertilising for a year. - Dave Hill

I don't care to join any club that's prepared to have me as a member. - Groucho Marx

Some players would complain if they had to play on Dolly Parton's bedspread. - Jimmy Demaret

I'm hitting the driver so good, I gotta dial the operator for long distance after I hit it. - Lee Trevino

According to locker-room lore, the name golf arose by default - all the other four-letter words had already been taken. - George Pepper

Any game where a man 60 can beat a man 30 ain't no game. - Burt Shotten

Golf is an ineffectual attempt to direct an uncontrollable sphere into an inaccessible hole with instruments ill-adapted to the purpose. - Sir Winston Churchill

It's not polite to pick up a lost ball before it stops rolling. 
- Anonymous

Friday 7 August 2009

86 - Golf Shorts: Tiger / Mickelson / Buick / Schmidt...

The papers, sports sites and blogs have been quick to sharpen the knife (then stick it to Eldrick) this week. If Tiger Woods doesn’t win the upcoming PGA Championship at Hazeltine, he will finish 2009 without a major title. This, it seems, is a disaster despite the great man already racking up four victories this season. I’m sure Woods will be gutted if he goes a whole year without a major victory to his name but he can always console himself by checking his bank balance.

Phil Mickelson (below) returned to the PGA Tour after missing the last six weeks to care for his wife and mother after both where diagnosed with breast cancer. "Things at home are going much better. We've had a great six weeks," said Mickelson. "We're in a much better place now than we were. I'm excited about that. I'm excited about the chance to play a little golf too." The world number 2 took part in the Bridgestone Invitational in Akron, Ohio ahead of next week's PGA Championship.

In a moment of common sense Buick confirmed they will no longer be sponsoring golf tournaments. Buick’s parent company General Motors are making workers redundant as the global recession hits hard so it would be in extreme bad taste for them to splash the cash to get their name plastered all over the TV footage from one of the immaculate courses dotted around the US.

Amy MickelsonIt isn’t just Buick pulling out; there are at least another 10 tournaments in America that could be without a main sponsor after 2010 as the big corporations tighten their belts and slash their advertising budgets.

And finally...

Most players would give anything to be a professional but one man was planning on taking the United States Golf Association to court to reinstate his amateur status.

The fantastically named Dusty Schmidt recently dropped a lawsuit against the governing body when he was advised by his legal team that he probably wouldn’t win.

Schmidt is a former top junior golfer who went on to play professionally but took a break from the sport when he suffered a heart attack in 2004 aged just 23. While recuperating he started playing online poker and now is one of the games top players earning over $3m in prize money. When his health improved in 2006 he successfully applied to regain his amateur status but it all went wrong this April when he issued a $1m challenge on his website for a combined poker and golf competition.

As Schmidt was playing for cash the USGA revoked his amateur status. Schmidt refuted the decision because no-one took him up on the challenge so he didn’t actually play for money! The golf association ignored his plea because the challenge was "detrimental to the best interests of the amateur game." The poker ace is now back in training and is hoping to compete in some professional events. If you can’t beat ‘em eh?

Thursday 6 August 2009

85 - The Oakley Cokey...

So the other day I was moaning about the Lyle & Scott brigade and agreeing with Chris Evans when he said that he likes golf he just doesn’t like looking like a golfer. With this in mind I went on a bit of an online shopping spree to stock up on some new fairway clobber that looked as far removed from the diamond jumper and slacks set as possible.

I’ll be honest, I haven’t got the right ‘build’ for the more designer kit out there – you need snake hips and pecks (not moobs) to pull the desired look off, which means I’m kinda out of luck. I need something a little more casual, something with a more relaxed fit if you know what I’m getting at? Ok, something to cover my ever-expanding gut!

Being a fussy sod I also wanted to steer away from the label encrusted gear that seems the norm in the golf world.

Oooh!On the subject of labels, it was bad enough when company’s splashed their names all over you clothing but now they have started teaming up to do it. I noticed that recently TaylorMade and Adidas have teamed up to produce a range that is covered in logos – nice.

I like the idea of wearing stuff that isn’t the norm on the course without overstepping the all-important rules, which got me looking at brands I wouldn’t normally associate with golf.

One of these brands was Oakley who are more famous for their sunglasses and surf wear than their involvement in golf (although they do provide someone called Ricky Barnes (left) with his apparel).

A quick look at their range show plenty of casual polo shirts with subtle logos, less formal looking chino/Dockers/cargo type pants and stylish caps. It is the type of stuff you could wear away from the course without looking like you have just finished a round and haven’t had time to get changed. It is right up my street so I ordered a load of it!

The next time I’m at the local municipal I’m gonna look good, resplendent in my slacker-fit cargo pants and loose polo shirt safe in the knowledge that I have the appropriate attire on without a hint of knitwear, pastel slacks or logo infested caps. Oh yeah, and some of it isn’t even black!

Wednesday 5 August 2009

84 - Golf Lesson (Write This Down)...

Monday 3 August 2009

83 - Third Monday Rant - Tiger Woods 2010...

I’ve just read that the latest incarnation of EA’s Tiger Woods tailors the in game weather conditions to match those currently at the courses included in the game via the Weather Channel. Why? Why do I want to play a video game that mirrors the shitty weather outside? If I wanted to hack at a ball in something approaching a monsoon I’d just nip to the nearest municipal in the summer wearing my wellys.

Does anyone enjoy playing golf in rain with the wind howling? Maybe there are some masochists out there but who, hand on heart, would enjoy slashing their way around the Old Course at St Andrews with a 30mph wind from the North Sea dumping every drive into one of the billion B&B’s that surround the venue? Well now Tiger Woods 2010 lets you do just that from the comfort of your own living room. Pointless.

Meow!Also, you can buy the game for the Nintendo Wii bundled with a new dongle called Wii Motion Plus that plugs into the controller and increases the sensitivity of the controller so much it can detect that you have changed the angle of the club face to add things like draw/fade etc.

Again, why? The point of playing a video game is to have a bit of escapism not to replicate real world problems in front of a television. I can’t produce draw on the course so chances are I can’t on the game.

But wait, what if I practice and practice and practice until I can draw the ball at will on the game, surely I’ll be able to transfer that skill to the course as the game is so realistic? Yeah right. There is more chance of me getting a job as an oil boy at the next ‘Hollyoaks Babes’ calendar shoot (above) than that happening – and don’t call me Shirley.

Why do games producers feel the need to add crap like this? The obvious answer is that they think that more features equal a better a game but sometimes less is more. Instead of spending hundreds of hours perfecting these two new features why not include another course or two? I’d much rather play Royal Birkdale than have the life irritated out of my by digital drizzle as I slice the ball into the virtual sea.

Sunday 2 August 2009

82 - Quote/Unquote...

Tee the ball high. Because years of experience have shown me that air offers less resistance than dirt. - Jack Nicklaus

I plan to win so much money this year, my caddie's gonna finish in the Top 20 money winners. - Lee Trevino

The only thing that scares me (about the Ryder Cup) is the Americans' dress sense. - Mark James

If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't waste energy going back to pick it up. - Tommy Bolt

The safest place for spectators in celebrity tournaments is probably on the fairway. - Joe Garagiola

Golfers don't fist fight. They cuss a bit. But they wouldn't punch anything or anybody. They might hurt their hands and have to change their grip. - Dan Jenkins

Scotland is a peculiar land that is the birthplace of golf and sport salmon fishing, a fact which may explain why it is also the birthplace of whisky. - Henry Beard

Gay Brewer swings the club in a figure of eight. If you didn't know better, you'd swear he was trying to kill snakes. - Dave Hill

'Play It As It Lies' is one of the fundamental dictates of golf. The other one is 'Wear It If It Clashes'. - Henry Beard

We've had it easy. When it blows here (St Andrews), even the seagulls walk. - Nick Faldo