112 - No Wet, Wet, Wet...

Well the weather is definitely turning now; it is noticeably colder and wetter than it was just a few weeks earlier. With this in mind I went through my old golf bag to check the condition of the gear I have to see if it is still up to the job. It didn’t take long to realise that some of my kit is not only unfit to use but would be rejected by Oxfam.

The main culprit is my bargain basement Dunlop rain suit which I picked up last year as a quick solution to the problem of the great British weather. In Italy they have a saying; ‘temporary solutions become permanent quickly’ and this is definitely the case when it comes to the shoddy little shell suit I bought from Sports Soccer last year.

On paper (and in the shop) the Dunlop suit ticked a lot of boxes. It was waterproof, it was black, it was lightweight, they had it in my size and, most of all, it was cheap. Buying it was a bit of a no brainer at the time, in hindsight I wish I had used the auld grey matter just a little bit more.

The main problem with the Dunlop rain suit I bought is that it isn’t waterproof. Ok, so it isn’t a top end Gore-Tex garment designed to repel a tsunami, but this thing isn’t even shower proof.

In fact if it is worn in any weather you get wet as it doesn’t stop the rain from getting in or allow the moisture from your body to get out. The long and short of it is that the suit is close to useless so I decided to by a better one.

The normal online emporiums were bursting at the seams with waterproof jackets, pants and complete suits at vastly reduced prices.

The problem with most of these garments was that they were last season’s stock that they couldn’t sell. Now I’m not so snobby that I won’t buy clothes because it isn’t this year’s designs but I do draw the line when they come in vile pastel colours.

There were endless FootJoy DryJoy jackets that had up to 70% off the RRP; all of them baby blue and some beige/magnolia blend – horrible. I was desperate for a quality suit (or just jacket at a push) but I wasn’t going to settle for something in a colour that could be compared to baby vomit or stomach bile.

I spent a long time searching and was about to give up when I stumbled across an Adidas rain suit (above) on eBay. It was brand new, had a decent ‘Buy It Now’ price, was in my size and, most importantly for me, come in plain old black. It arrived the other day and is absolutely fantastic as it fits like a glove, is actually waterproof, has special breathable material and looks great. Job done.

111 - Quote/Unquote...

My most common mistake at St Andrews is just turning up. - Mark James

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. - Jim Murray

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. - Henny Youngman

Southern Hills, Tulsa 5th - This hole is 614 yards. You don't need a road map for this one, you need a passport. - Jay Cronley

I only see Charley Pride when we get to the greens. Charley hits some good woods - most of them trees. - Glen Campbell

Corey Pavin is a little on the slight side. When he goes through a turnstile, nothing happens. - Jim Moriarty

I have never led the tour in money winnings, but I have many times in alcohol consumption. - Fuzzy Zoeller

I played so badly I got a get-well card from the Inland Revenue Service. - Johnny Miller

Perhaps if I dyed my hair peroxide blonde and called myself the 'Great White Tadpole' people would take more notice of me. - Ian Woosnam

I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game. It's called an eraser. - Arnold Palmer

110 - Golf Shorts: Ernie Els / Monty Plots / Solar Power / Michael Jordan...

Ernie Els will be recognised for his work promoting golf and South Africa when he is honoured through a series of tournaments in his name. The 2010 Vodacom Business Origins of Golf Tour is part of Southern Africa’s Sunshine Tour and one of the themes will be Ernie Els. The competition is a six-tournament series of pro-am tournaments, with entry being strictly invitation only.

Each year the Sunshine Tour honours icons of the game and has in the past paid tribute to the likes of Ben Hogan and Gary Player. Next year it is Els who will be a fitting star as he is a triple Major Champion, former world number one, and seven-time World Match Play champion.

Els said “It’s an incredible honour for me that my achievements in the game are going to be recognised in this way. I’ve spent most of my life flying the South African flag on fairways around the world, and I’ve always competed to the best of my ability as a proud South African sportsman. It’s very satisfying to know that this is going to be recognised in a series such as the Vodacom Business Origins of Golf Tour.”

The six tournaments will, where possible, be played on Ernie Els-designed golf courses or courses suggested by him, and will also help to raise funds for the Els for Autism initiative. Last year Vodacom Business Origins of Golf Tour raised £250,000 for various children’s charities through its Birdies for Kiddies campaign where the Vodacom Foundation donated £40 for every birdie made by a professional on the series.

The 2009 Vodacom Business Origins of Golf Tour already made a significant contribution to charity through its Birdies for Kiddies campaign, whereby the Vodacom Foundation donated R500 to various children’s charities for every birdie made by a professional on the series. In 2009, over R3-million was raised for this campaign.

It looks like Ryder Cup captain Colin Montgomerie is trying every trick in the book to ensure victory for the Europeans in next year’s competition at Celtic Manor. The man cruelly dubbed Mrs Doubtfire is hoping fellow Scot Sir Alex Ferguson will teach him how to handle a dressing room full of superstars.

"I want to arrange a meeting with Sir Alex - I want to pick his brains,” said Montgomerie. "He is the best man-manager and gets the best out of players. Being Scottish, he still has drive and ambition.

"I would like to learn how to get the best out of the players. Not necessarily when it is going well, it is easy then. But when we might come in down after the first day, that is when it is most important."

Expect to see Montgomerie kicking shoes at Serigio Garcia, screaming at the match officials while furiously pointing at his watch and turning up late for the first round after being stopped by the police for driving up the hard shoulder and telling them he had no choice as he was literally shitting himself. I for one cannot wait.

I like to have a moan on this blog about the latest and greatest technological gadget but for one I have found one I don’t mind giving some praise to. Sebonack Golf Club in Long Island has become the first U.S. golf course to implement solar technology for golf carts. 39 of its 40 carts have been fitted with solar panels designed and engineered by Danish company SolarDrive.

It is estimated that the solar panels save $4 per day per cart in electricity costs and while this may not sound a great deal, extended over the life of the cart the savings start to rack up. It isn’t just the $160 per day savings that are important to the course owner Michael Pascucci, it is estimated it will reduce Sebonack’s consumption from the electric grid by 50 to 75 percent.

Pascucci explains: “Power costs are very expensive on Long Island, we’re saving minimum two-thirds on the amount of electricity [being used]. Why not take advantage of the free solar power we have on Earth? I don’t know why everybody isn’t doing this.”

The panels are retro-fitted onto the golf cart and once out in the sun can be fully charged within an hour and easily go 18 or more holes. A sensor underneath the roof provides instant feedback on the amount of solar energy the panels are receiving. If it’s a sunny day, the cart constantly charges even while being used. But even on a cloudy day, a fully charged cart will have enough energy to go one full round.

“You can’t miss with these carts,” continued Pascucci. “It’s a really positive thing for our members and their guests to see that they’re riding around on the sun’s power and reducing their carbon footprint. The bottom line is…it was the right thing to do.”

And finally...

Basketball legend Michael Jordan has landed himself in trouble with the PGA after being snapped puffing on a cigar at Harding Park Golf Course this week. The picture appeared in the San Francisco Examiner and city officials asked the PGA to remind the basketball star that there is no smoking allowed on public golf course, including Harding Park.

"I've already sent off an email to the PGA Tour director," city recreation and park general manager Phil Ginsburg told the Examiner. "It was sort of a gentle nudge reminding them that smoking is illegal and that we would appreciate their support."

Jordan could face a $100 fine if he is caught smoking on the course again. This will be a major concern for the man whose personal fortune was recently estimated at a staggering $800million.

109 - Consistently Consistent...

I can now confirm that my new found golfing powers were not through some ‘the stars were in alignment’ fluke but are down to practice, hard work and technique. That’s right boys and girls, I said technique! I have finally managed to work out how to hit a ball straight and long. It has only taken me 12 months, and it is restricted to my irons, but it is true.

I visited the driving range last night eager to see if I could replicate the shots I was finding at the weekend and I’m pleased to say that I could. Both my 5 iron and 7 iron shots went, on the whole, straight and true and for the first time ever I could see the difference in the flight of the ball using different clubs which genuinely excited me.

People who can play may scoff at my joy at seeing shots from the 5 iron flying lower and further than those from the 7 iron but when you can’t hit the ball consistently things like that are just something you read about in Golf Whine Monthly. All the hints and tips about course management like suggesting hitting a more penetrating shot with a longer iron to stay below the worst of the wind etc is a viable option if you hit the ball consistently. For the first time ever, I have that option.

I met Lucky at the range and showed him the new set up technique I had been using to see if it worked for him. Initially it made no difference whatsoever but not long after he was pinging the crappy yellow range balls high and straight into the noticeably cooler feeling night air. I’m not sure if it was my expert tuition or just that he was in the groove but he was firing them well.

As we were both hitting the irons well we had our first game of the yellow basket challenge in months. The idea of the game is simple; get a ball in the yellow net about 150 yards away in as few shots as possible. Sally Gunnell’s are allowed (ugly runners) and the winner is the first person to find the target in 12 balls or less. To cut a long story short I managed to find the net after about 6 balls with all my other shots peppering the target nicely. Proof of improvement.

As always, I didn’t just bring my gorgeous irons. Against my better judgement I decided to give my MX-560 driver another chance. I’ll admit I was slightly better with the big dawg than usual but still nowhere near as consistent as I would like to be, a fact highlighted when I borrowed Lucky’s Nike SQ Sumo² 3 wood (above) and hit shot after satisfying shot long and straight into the still night sky. Lesson learned, I’m sticking with my F-60 3 wood for the time being.

Before we left I let Lucky try my MP-57’s while I had a little knock with his SQ Sumo Irons. The difference in the clubs was quite marked. My clubs felt heavier and more solid but his were easier to hit. One thing we both commented on was that when the ball was hit sweetly both clubs felt fantastic which is exactly what we are both aiming for. Who knows, with a bit more practice all our shots could feel like that.

108 - Glorious...

I woke up on Sunday relatively hangover free despite going to a lovely dinner party in a friend’s house (fantastic homemade meal, wine and bubbly around the table – we even had candles and napkins!) so I decided to visit the driving range to blow off the remaining cobwebs before going to the match to scream abuse at a load of overpaid Nancy boys who don’t deserve my continued support. Ahem...

Like just about every time I have ever been to the range, it was raining. Not only was it raining but it was blowing a gale too which only helped accentuate my cripplingly bad beginners slice. I warmed up with a few bombs from my 3 wood (I’ve all but given up on trying to tame my driver for now). All was good with my new weapon of choice from the tee but it was my iron shots that impressed.

When I go to the driving range I try to simply hit the same shot twice (immense ambition eh?) Consistency is the key to decent golf apparently but for the last year or so the only thing consistent about my shots is their inconsistency. At the weekend I had an epiphany as I successfully managed to hit the same shot over and over again.

I worked out how to set myself up the same way each time to produce a repeatable shot – the casual observer may have thought I knew what I was doing! Time and time again I hit my 5 iron long, straight and true. I could even pick out a spot and hit it. This may not sound like a big deal to those of you who can play golf, but for me it was the equivalent of monkeys using tools for the first time.

Just to check it wasn’t a fluke I tried the same thing with my 7 iron and found I could use that properly too! The frustration, anger and depression I had suffered at the hands of this son-of-a-bitch game melted away with each glorious, straight down the middle shot. I went through about 50 balls with a gormless grin on my face.

With my confidence soaring I moved on to my 52* wedge knowing that I was now an international ball striking legend. Things didn’t go as well as I had hoped as I discovered that I had completely lost any skill I had with wedges with my lovely little MP-R (above) taking a bit of a pounding as I slammed it into the mat with regular and bone juddering regularity. It took a lot of effort to get the ball in the air at all but it eventually came back to me.

I walked to the car happy that I now have something to indicate that all the practice, all the effort all the frustration wasn’t in vain. For the first time in 12 months I could say that I had something approaching a repeatable swing – something to build on and refine. I’m going back to the driving range later to confirm that the Sunday morning session wasn’t just a fluke.

107 - Down And Dirty...

The one regular visitor to this little corner of the internet may have noticed there has been a lack of updates over the last couple of weeks. The reason for the lack of content is down to the fact that I haven’t actually done anything golf related. There was no playing, practicing, buying or even obsessing via the internet and Golf Whine Monthly. It has all gone quiet over here.

I had big plans to play a round last week but I did something to my neck and couldn’t move it properly which scuppered that, although in hindsight having an injury which forces my head to keep completely still could have helped my game I reckon – there is nothing worse than topping the ball because you are looking to see where it has gone before you have actually hit it!

Looks like the round will have to wait until later this week. To be honest, I need to get the driving range before I even attempt to tee off on the local track as I haven’t swung the wrenches in weeks (not that I was any good in the first place you understand but not practicing the limited skills you do have does tend to add insult to injury). It is official; a brief refresher in the subtle art of slicing the ball is in order.

Like I said in a previous post, I’m determined to enjoy this round even if it kills me (I know, I know, that is a massive contradiction). I’m not going to bother about shooting a particular score I’m just going to get out there in the fresh air and whack a load of Srixon’s up and down a moderately manicured field on the outskirts of the town with the intention of having a laugh. If I manage to hit the odd good shot or fluke an occasional par it’ll be a bonus.

I was talking to Lucky (my partner in crimes against good golf) and we were laughing about how much money we have spent on golfing equipment and how little time we have actually spent using it. We estimated that we have spent around £1,500 between us on clubs, woods, wedges, bags, trolleys, shoes and clothing yet we have played about 10 times. It doesn’t matter how you dress it up, that is a massive waste of money.

No, we need to get out there and start losing balls, getting soaked through to the bone and getting our pristine (and in the case of my Mizuno’s, gorgeous) clubs covered in mud, sand and water. That may sound a little weird to people who don’t play but it makes perfect sense to me now.

106 - Seventh Monday Rant - Rangefinders...

I’ve had a rant about technological overkill on this little corner of the web before but I feel the need to have another pop at it. An integral part of golf is selecting the correct club to leave an easy shot from the fairway or a sinkable putt on the green. This knowledge comes from experience...unless you have a couple of hundred quid in which case it will come from a laser.

Rangefinders are the latest and greatest weapon in the war against golf. They come in a few configurations but all give a very precise reading of the distance to a selected target. Before swinging a club the player who has shelled out the cash can know with absolute certainty how far a hazard is down the fairway and how far the pin is from the tee.

Part of golf’s attraction is the fact that it IS difficult and it does take time to get to grips with. How satisfying is it hitting a shot perfectly, getting the ball to fly just right and then watching it land neatly where it was aimed? Using a rangefinder eliminates the guess work when selecting a club, making the shot that bit easier.

Advocates of this new gadget will point out that rangefinders (left) should speed up the average round with players not wrestling over club selection as much but it is a knap that owners will use the time saved ensuring their precious Bushnells are tucked safely inside their protective cases.

In the long term it can be argued that the rangefinder owners will gain the experience needed to look at the distance to the flag and have a good idea of what club to use much quicker than players who use trial and error, but if you have a device which will tell you what you need why bother using your own judgement? Players won’t waste their time learning, they will simply reach for the rangefinder.

There will be players out there who would rather use a rangefinder and finish with a lower score – after all, golf is supposed to be enjoyable and nothing increases your enjoyment like recording your lowest ever score on the local track – but lowering my score this way just doesn’t sit right with me.

For me rangefinders are just another example of quick-fix golf along with things like woods that can be adjusted to change the flight of the ball. Skill and practice is replaced by engineering and electronics with the big winners being the equipment manufacturers and those who have money to waste on the next big thing.

105 - Quote/Unquote...

Golf is a good walk spoiled. - Mark Twain

Bad Sausage and five bogeys will give you a stomach ache every time. - Miller Barber

My goal this year is basically to find the fairways. - Lauri Peterson

When you start driving your ball down the middle, you meet a different class of people. - Phil Harris

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf - it's almost a law. - H. G. Wells

The only way to enjoy golf is to be a masochist. Go out and beat yourself to death. - Howard Keel

For most amateurs the best wood in the bag is the pencil. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

Pebble Beach and Cypress Point make you want to play golf, they're such interesting and enjoyable layouts. Spyglass Hill, now that's different; that makes you want to go fishing. - Jack Nicklaus

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. - Jim Bishop

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool. - George Brett

104 - Forever Autumn...

Every year, when the editors are looking for something to fill their pages, Golf Whine Monthly will have ‘the big debate’ where members of the editorial team will argue the pros and cons of summer golf over winter golf. Although there are many valid and well reasoned points I find myself sinking beneath waves of apathy as, for me, autumn golf is the way forward – all the benefits of summer and winter without the drawbacks from either.

We all know that the weather is a big factor in golf and playing in beautiful sunshine on a warm day sounds idyllic. Unfortunately the weather in this country is rarely like that. In the summer months it is either torrential rain or a normally unheard of heat wave. Trying to concentrate on the million things that need to be done to get the ball to fly where you want it while being cooked in your own juices as the sun beats down is no fun whatsoever.

The winter is no better as, apart from the obvious risk of frostbite that occurs on the course at that time of year, there are the rock hard fairways and stupid winter greens to contend with.

Add freezing rain and hail to the mix and playing golf in winter can be as enjoyable as invasive bowel surgery...performed by an inexperienced junior doctor...without aesthetic...in a back street surgery...in Bangkok.

No, golf in the autumn is a much better prospect in my book. The trees are starting to turn and flash yellows and reds (right) around the fairways breaking up the blanket of green we are usually faced with, it is cooler than just a few weeks before meaning I don’t end up a complete sweaty mess on the final green and there seems to be less ‘traffic’ at the course which is definite bonus.

I’ll try and arrange a round with next week after work before we start to lose the light as the winter nights draw in. If we can get on the first tee for around 14:30-15:00 then we should just about finish before it goes dark although it is a while since I’ve played so there could be a fair bit of Army Golf on show which obviously takes longer!

Before that I need to get down to the range to blow the cobwebs away. It has been a while since I’ve ventured to the range which is bad as I know I need to practice as much as I can. The last time I went I had a bit of a hallelujah moment which I’m keen to try and replicate plus I want to test out my new (that turn out to be old) clubs some more. So that is the plan, I’ll let you all know how I get on.

103 - Three Weeks Old And Already Retired...

I recently bought my first set of new golf clubs. After months of research, comparison and debate I finally settled on Mizuno’s award winning MX-200’s as they offered a good combination of forgiveness and flexibility while still being a forged club which delivered feedback and feel. I was all set to buy them when I spotted an offer on a set of Mizuno MP-57’s and that was all she wrote as the American’s would say.

I’m now the proud owner of a set of MP-57’s which are classic Mizuno blades. According to the manufactures website and the magazines these clubs are aimed at the lower handicap players who still want a little forgiveness along with feel and shot shaping capabilities. They have gorgeous, clean looks and feature Mizuno’s famous ‘Cut Muscle’ cavity technology which gives clueless clowns like me some control over the ball.

I was happy that I had bought a set of clubs that, while not being the very latest on offer from Mizuno, were still new enough to be promoted on their website. My happiness was cut short when I opened the latest edition of Golf Whine Monthly to find that the boffins from Osaka had brought out four new sets of clubs including the MP-58’s which are a direct replacement for the shiny, new clubs I’d just purchased!

I hurried to the Mizuno website and found that my clubs had been ‘retired’ and replaced with the new 58’s (left). To add insult to injury the replacement clubs are ever so slightly better in all areas than mine!

The ‘Cut Muscle’ cavity has been developed into a ‘Dual Muscle’ insert which includes a lump of titanium to help lower the centre of gravity and increase forgiveness. I WANT A LUMP OF TITANIUM IN MY CLUBS GODDAMMITT!!!

The new clubs have a thinner top line and sole than mine which improves the look at address, the new titanium weight makes them more workable than mine and the perimeter weighting is increased on them for more stability. They are some of the most technologically advanced clubs that Mizuno have produced and, in the right hands, will no doubt have the ball finding fairways and greens all over the world.

It is fair to say that I was initially gutted when I read up on the 58’s although having slept on it and looking at it from the ‘half full’ angle my clubs did cost about half the price, they look so much nicer than the new model and despite all the extra engineering I’m certain I wouldn’t see the benefit right now as my stance is wrong, my grip is suspect and my swing is all over the place! After initially throwing my toys out of the pram I can now honestly say that I’m happy with my clubs.

102 - Groove Is In The Heart...

So the powers at be who ruin, sorry run golf have concluded that the professionals are receiving too much help from the club manufacturers and have decided to outlaw the use of ‘u’ grooves on clubs – the miserable sods. Now that the spin police are on their backs the big companies are trying everything they can to provide the same amount of control without falling foul of the latest rules.

For those of you who don’t know, the ‘u’ referred to describes the shape of the groove on the face of your wedges if you examined them carefully. In the old days grooves where cut in a ‘v’ shape which made the ball spin nicely but the introduction of the new shape enabled professionals to control the ball a lot more which, according to the powers at be, is making it too easy for them.

Because the ‘u’ grooves are wider at the bottom than the ‘v’ type any water/sand/soil that gets picked up as the club hits the ball has less effect on your Bridgestone Tour B330, allowing it to spin more. This additional spin equals additional control for professionals – something the governing bodies don’t like this one bit, they seemingly don’t want to see the players producing amazing shots around the green, delighting the crowds and TV audiences...

With the restrictions scheduled to be put in place in the next few years the club manufacturers are already on the case trying to find a way around the restrictions.

Mizuno have announced that their new range of chippers have something called ‘quad cut grooves’ which conform to the new regulations already while still giving professionals the maximum performance. Mizuno are stickin’ it to the man!

The Japanese club wizards are proud to let everyone know how much work they have done to produce these lovely little grooves. As the name suggests the channels are made using four separate cuts to produce grooves that conform to the new rules while still allowing decent players to manipulate the ball any which way they want. No doubt the law makers will be harrumphing at Mizuno’s efforts and meeting to move the goalposts again next year.

All this engineering excellence is fine but the most important point about the new wedges is their looks! The picture above shows the new wedges in all their splendour. It is fair to say that the RAW Black Satin finish is trouser tighteningly good and the MP-T10 is, in my opinion, now the best looking wedge on the market along with the Oil Can Titleist Vokey (which the definition of golf porn!)

So the battle between the governing bodies and the club manufacturers enters a new chapter. The rule makers want the players to use skill not technology to win tournaments, the players are demanding increased performance from their equipment and the manufactures are using all their guile to keep one step ahead of the regulations. While all this is happening I’m still chipping the ball clean over the green regardless of what I use.

101 - Sixth Monday Rant - Catch 22...

When I started playing golf last year I was pretty confident that I would be reasonably good at it quite quickly as I used to knock a ball up and down a field with a rusty, leather gripped 4 iron with ease when I was a kid and I’m quite good at anything I put my mind to usually. I’m annoyed to find that isn’t as easy as I thought.

Despite spending hours and hours at the driving range I have failed miserably to achieve the simple goal of hitting the same shot twice in one session. I’m not saying I haven’t improved its just that I haven’t improved enough which in turn saps the motivation out of me and if I’ve not motivated I have a habit of throwing the towel in rather than to stick at it.

The obvious answer is for me to get some lessons or pester the life out of my friends until they agree to help me over this hump. The thing is, I hate being rubbish at anything, let alone something as frustrating as golf, and it makes me want to walk away in a sulk. I’m never going to do it, I’ve spent too much on golf porn and I’ve got a subscription to Golf Whine Monthly to think about!

No, I need to dig in and get on with it but I simply can’t find the motivation to do it. I’ve got a gaggle of friends slavering to help my yet the spark has seemingly gone – frustration has won. This may sound sad to some of the more eager players out there but I’m seriously struggling to be bothered with golf right now.

I explained to my good friend Richie that I have never enjoyed a round of golf. He vowed to drag me around a course and MAKE me enjoy it – yeah, didn’t make sense to me either! I think if I got to a level where I was hitting half of the fairways from the tee, finding the odd green with my long irons or just two putting then I would have a different outlook but right now I feel a million miles away from that.

Maybe Richie is on to something; maybe the problem is that I’m looking at the game the wrong way around. I’m focussing so much on getting better that I can’t enjoy the game but if I went out there and just played for enjoyment I’d almost certainly improve because I was playing more often. I think I’ve just had an epiphany!!!

Right, that is it, I’m going to take an afternoon off this week, drag my carcass to the local municipal and try my best to have a laugh as I whack my ball from rough to bunker to woods. Who cares what my score is? Who cares how many balls I lose? The important thing is that I WILL enjoy it. And like that my motivation is back…I’m so fickle!

100 - Still Here...

Well who’d have thunk it, 100 posts to this little blog? To be honest I didn’t think it would still be going past last summer but it has survived a whole year now despite my clear lack of writing ability, clumsy articles and sometimes questionable content. Hey, I’m not complaining, I think I’ve done well to last this long. Thank you for your loyal support – both of you who read it.

So what has happened in a year? Well I’ve taken up golf, discovered it is the most spiteful, annoying son-of-a-bitch sport on the planet, spent enough money at the driving range to pay for my own course, bought two sets of golf clubs and all manner of accessories and clothing (mostly black). Oh and I’ve played the odd round too but nowhere near enough if I’m being honest.

I’ve learnt a lot about myself over the last year – mostly that I can’t play golf, I have no patience whatsoever, I get way too annoyed with inanimate objects (usually small, white objects covered with dimples as it happens), I’m obsessed with wedges, I’m obsessed with Mizuno and I need to be careful what I say on this blog as big corporations have a habit of reading it.

So what has gone well over the last year? Well I’m certainly a better player than when I first went to the driving range 12 months ago, but not THAT much better to be honest. I can’t use my driver but the 3 wood with the stiff shaft I bought the other week at least gives me a fighting chance off the tee. My £10 Howson hybrid is like some sort of magic wand and I’m not bad with a wedge.

The list of things that haven’t gone well is considerably bigger. I haven’t played enough, I gave up on the sport twice, I knackered my ankle and couldn’t play at all for three months, I reached a certain level of ability then didn’t improve and I didn’t join the golf society after pledging my support at their annual general meeting. All in all, nothing to be proud of in that little lot but it does give me a foundation to build upon.

In summary, I am in a marginally better position than I was last year but still nowhere near where I want to be. I have all the gear and still no idea which is irritating the life out of me. The most annoying thing is that all I need to do to edge closer to my goal of being ‘just rubbish’ at this sport is to put in a bit of practice with my mates who are more than willing to help. The next 12 months have got to better than the last.

99 - Quote/Unquote...

In 1981, Tom Sieckmann won the Philippine Open, the Thailand Open and the Singapore Open, leaving him second only to the US Marines for victories in the Pacific. - Gary Nuhm

I'd like to see the fairways more narrow. Then everybody would have to play from the rough, not just me. - Seve Ballesteros

The greens (at Winged Foot Golf Club, New York) are harder than a whore's heart. - Sam Snead

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. - George Deukmejian

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best. - Jack Nicklaus

Golf. You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks. - Anonymous

Why am I using a new putter? Because the old one didn't float too well. - Craig Stadler

They say I'm famous for my chip shots. Sure, when I hit 'em right, they land just so, like a butterfly with sore feet. - Lee Trevino

I was swinging like a toilet door on a prawn trawler. - David Feherty

By the time you get to your ball, if you don't know what to do with it, try another sport. - Julian Boros

98 - Golf Shorts - PGA Championship...

This week’s Golf Shorts is dominated by the recent PGA Championship event at Hazeltine. From the shock win to the foulmouthed rants, the philosophical outlook of a nearly man to the International Bright Young Thing tipped for greatness, from the Englishman quietly climbing the World Rankings to bookmaker that lost out big time there is plenty to talk about. Let’s start with the new lifestyle of the now rich and now famous Yang Yong-eun.

There are many perks to being a PGA Champion, the most obvious being the prize money and increased revenue from sponsors. With his win at Hazeltine the South Korean (below) picked up a tasty £820,000 bringing his season earnings to £1.95m. As the champion he will be in demand and it is estimated he could receive another £900,000 in appearance fees too. Not bad for a relatively unknown player who was 150/1 at the start of the tournament.

But it isn’t all about the Benjamin’s. As a Major winner he is exempt from qualification for five years, will receive complimentary first-class travel to events, be put up in the best hotels and will even have his own parking space! Yes, his own parking space! As the big cheese he will also benefit from more conveniently scheduled tee times, something that can have a positive impact on a golfer’s game apparently.

If Yang was the big winner there is little doubt that Tiger Woods was the biggest loser on the course that day. The most recognisable golfer on the planet had a comfortable lead going into the last round but a series of missed putts combined with some stunning shots from the South Korean meant that Woods lost by 3 shots. To add insult to injury Eldrick was caught on TV swearing after missing his par putt at the 17th, when he repeatedly shouted the word "f***". Naughty Mr. Woods.

Another epic fail came in the shape of Padraig Harrington who was a serious contender until he decided to play like seasoned muni hacker. The Irishman was going along quite nicely until the eighth hole when he eventually holed out for an impressive quintuple bogey that effectively ended a challenge that had looked so promising.

The likeable Dubliner was philosophical about his exploits at the eighth: “It was a difficult tee shot and it was obviously a difficult second shot after you hit it in the water and pulled it into the rough. I had been changing my chipping action a little, and I probably was more into what I was doing rather than trying to get the ball up-and-down, and I hit a bad shot. So these things happen.”

Things went better for young Rory McIlroy (below) as he recorded his best finish at a Major tournament. The 20-year-old with the comedy hair finished joint third with fellow Brit, Lee Westwood. While all around him struggled, McIlroy managed to sink birdies at the third, fourth, fifth and ninth to finish the round three under par. This was his best result, eclipsing the 10th-place finish at this year’s US Open.

Westwood’s reward for finishing 3rd was to move back into the top ten in the World Rankings: 1 Tiger Woods 14.24pts, 2 Phil Mickelson 7.96, 3 Paul Casey 6.58, 4 Kenny Perry 6.11, 5 Henrik Stenson 5.93, 6 Steve Stricker 5.85, 7 Sergio Garcia 5.68, 8 Geoff Ogilvy 5.49, 9 Lee Westwood 5.24, 10 Stewart Cink 5.10. In addition Westwood has also sneaked into fourth place in European Tour's 'Race To Dubai' money list.

And finally

Irish Bookmakers Paddy Power were left fuming after Woods snatched defeat from the jaws of victory at Hazeltine. Renowned for settling its bets early, they paid out to all backers of Woods after just 36 holes when the world number one was four shots clear at odds of 1/5. This slip up cost them a whopping £1.3m but Paddy Power are still quids in after Harrington’s charge faltered at the 8th.

"It takes a special kind of dimwit to turn what should have been our best ever golf result into our worst," the company said in a statement. "Paddy Power punters are obviously the big winners here and have made like bandits getting paid out on Tiger as a winner. Our only saving grace is that Harrington didn't do the business, thank God!"

97 - Geeky Fetishes And Snobby Aspirations...

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I like playing golf but don’t really like looking like a golfer which is why I decided to buy clothes from Oakley, a company not normally associated with golf. I also talked about the good advice I received when I first got into golf a year ago suggesting I spend a bit of money on some decent golf shoes which is why when looking for a new pair I went for some that were not your usual clogs.

I wanted a pair of all black shoes as they look less like golf footwear and are also easier to keep clean. I had a flick through Golf Whine Monthly and everything seemed to point to a pair of FootJoy’s but after my mini run in with Acushnet (the parent company of Titleist, Cobra and FootJoy) I decided to give my hard earned beer tokens to someone else.

There is a lot of choice out there but when I found a pair of shoes that were reassuringly expensive and had inert gas inserts from a strange sounding company I was sold! The company is Stuburt and the shoes are the funky sounding Oxygen Pro (left). The geek in me was intrigued by the inserts and the snob loved the fact that no-one else would have them (or possibly even heard of them).

They are big, clunky, shoes that have full leather uppers with a patented membrane to keep your feet totally dry. Inside there is a ‘liquicell foot bed’ which apparently reduces friction and heat while increasing blood flow to your feet – I think that is a fancy way of saying that the innersoles aren’t your average Odour Eater crap.

I’m very impressed by how comfortable the shoes are, it is like wearing slippers. I’m looking forward to seeing how well they perform in the pouring down rain in 2 inches of mud and how easy it is to keep them looking good.

96 - Lets Twist Again...

Hot on the heels of my delicious new Mizuno MP-57’s came another golf purchase. Although my shiny new clubs looked fantastic just laying on the couch, aching to be stroked, my lovely fiancée told me I had to get them shifted which meant buying a new golf bag. There is a lot of choice out there when it comes to bags although they can be broadly broken down into four different types, each with their own plus and minus points.

Pencil Bags – These are designed to be as light as possible for when there is no need to lug things like waterproofs around. These are usually the cheapest bag option and are a convenient, no frills way to hoik around a handful of clubs for a quick 9 holes in the sun.

Stand Bags – These bags are carried over the shoulder and have two foldaway legs which support the bag when not being used. Stand bags are bigger than pencil bags and have extra pockets to store clothing and sometimes come with compartments to store water bottles, scorecards and mobile phones.

Trolley/Cart Bags – Usually wider and taller than stand bags to provide even more room for clubs and accessories. As they are designed to be strapped to a trolley or fixed on a cart they don’t have folding legs but will stand up on their own due to having a bigger base. These bags are generally more expensive than the stand bags.

Tour Bags – See the bag that YE Yang was holding above his head after winning the recent PGA Championship at Hazeltine? That is a tour bag. They are the biggest, most expensive and arguably most garish bags available and have everything the best players in the world need.

What I needed was something that was light like a pencil bag, had legs like a stand bag for when I was feeling energetic, could be bolted to a trolley for when I’m not and had plenty of space for all the assorted crap needed for a game in the depths of the British winter. Continuing with the Mizuno obsession I looked around and decided on the Twister III bag (above).

The Twister III is a stand bag with some clever touches. Although it has foldaway legs it has been designed to also fit onto a trolley or cart to offer the best of both worlds. In addition, it has a large wrap around pocket used to store clothes etc that can be taken off to convert it almost into a pencil bag for those trips abroad.

It took some looking but I eventually found the bag in the ‘Staff’ colours of blue and white (everything has to match don’t you know?) It arrived the other day and is fantastic although I did think I needed to buy a rain hood for it until I discovered one tucked in a pocket I had missed on first inspection. Like my clubs, it is almost too good to use but I’m going to bite the bullet and parade it up and down the local municipal.

95 - Fell Off The Back Of A Van...

My shiny new clubs have arrived, well I say arrived what I actually mean is that I collected them. After conducting a bidding campaign that would have see Napoleon giving me polite applause in recognition of my superlative tactics I eventually ‘won’ a set of Mizuno MP-57’s via the murky world of eBay. Although there are processes in place to protect the buyer and seller there is always a nagging doubt in the back of my mind about the stuff being auctioned.

I’ve bought a lot of stuff from eBay but at £250 the new clubs were my most expensive purchase so I was a little concerned in case they weren’t exactly as described or something happened to them in the post. Fears of a postman volleying them around Liverpool before dumping them in a crumpled mess on my doorstep were quashed when I received an email from the seller telling me he would hand deliver them. Result!

It turned out that the seller only lives a short distance away on the Wirral and would rather bring them over than risk the Royal Mail. Excellent stuff, hand delivered and a chance to check the clubs are genuine while the guy is there. But things soon started to go a bit weird. It seems that the bloke doesn’t know his way around Liverpool very well and asked if I could meet him somewhere we both could find. Not really hand delivered if I had to drive to get them but I would give him the benefit of the doubt.

I got a bit freaked out when he asked if I could meet him in a car park. That nagging doubt in the back of my mind was suddenly a massive paranoia fuelled migraine! Buying golf clubs from the back of a van in a car park? I must have mug stamped on my head.

I contacted the seller to tell him I wasn’t happy about this but got distracted after speaking to him as he came across as a genuine guy (I know, I am a soft touch).

So, there I am in the car park outside the fabulous museum in Liverpool city centre waiting for this random guy to turn up with my bats but I didn’t have a clue who he was. I sent him a text to ask how I would know him; he replied that his name is all over the side of his van. Sure enough, 5 minutes later a little white van with his name pulled up. When I got out of the car I could see the full advert on the side of his van ‘golf club repairs and fitting’. I let out a huge sigh of relief.

We got talking for 10 minutes and he made me check each club to make sure I was absolutely happy – I was, I was ecstatic. He also asked if I was going to bother getting them fitted for loft and lie because if I was he would do the whole set for £45 which is about £25 less than the cheapest price I was quoted when I inquired about it last time. I might take him up on this offer at some point.

What had looked like the dodgiest of dodgy deals had actually turned out very well. The clubs are superb and were delivered with a lot of care and attention. They are lying in order on my couch right now just waiting to be used, the problem is they are too shiny and perfect to put anywhere near a fairway. I might just stroke them for a few days; it seems a waste not to!

94 - Fifth Monday Rant - Loudmouth Fans...

The PGA Tour event over the weekend has reinforced my belief that certain golf fans are nothing but loudmouthed, ignorant dicks that must have snuck into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn’t looking. To be fair, the vast majority are a credit to the game; it is the 1% who insist on screaming something after each shot that mess with my head.

What is the point in screaming ‘IN THE HOLE!!!’ after a tee shot on a par 5? There is no way on God’s green Earth that anyone is going to get a hole in one on the 627 yard 3rd at Hazeltine yet two halfwits still felt the need to holler it after Tiger Woods’ tee shot on the final round. He couldn’t make the green if he fired his Nike One Platinum from a cannon.

Later on there was an impossibly long approach shot by Woods that was sent down the fairway to a cacophony of almost hysterical screams. I know that Woods is the local hero but howling ‘TIGER!!!’ every time he hits the ball, regardless of if it finds the fairway/green or not, just grates after a while.

The final straw for me came with the shout ‘GET IT ON THE GREEN!!!’ on the par 3 4th. Of course he is going to find the green in fact there is a good chance that he could get a hole in one yet some squeaky voiced bint felt the need to shout it.

What is the point? Is it for encouragement? Does Tiger Woods really need encouragement when leading on the final round of the event?

The irritating barks didn’t just follow Woods though. There were all manner of whoops and hollers as Padraig Harrington and YE Yang fought to reel Eldrick in. After one high flying Harrington chip there was the most ridiculous shout I heard all weekend; ‘SPIN!!!’ Oh come on, for the love of all things holy is that the best they could come up with? At that point I muted the TV.

I understand that fans get caught up in the drama and emotion of the game, especially on the final round of an excellent tournament, but how hard is it to show a little restraint and keep your big mouth shut instead of blurting out a stream of clichéd garbage? Cheers and whoops after the ball has sunk into the hole are fine but spouting crap from tee to green is just retarded.

93 - Quote/Unquote...

Real golfers, no matter what the provocation, never strike a caddie with the driver. The sand wedge is far more effective. - Huxtable Pippey

The hardest shot is the chip at 90 yards from the green where the ball has to be played against an oak tree, bounces back into a sandtrap, hits a stone, bounces onto the green, and then rolls into the cup. That shot is so difficult; I have only made it once. - Zeppo Marx

The most exquisitely satisfying act in the world of golf is that of throwing a club. The full backswing, the delayed wrist action, the flowing follow-through, followed by that unique whirring sound, reminiscent only of a passing flock of starlings, are without parallel in sport. - Henry Longhurst

One of the nice things about the Senior Tour is that we can take a cart and a cooler. If your game is not going well, you can always have a picnic. - Lee Trevino

Like all Saturday foursomes it is in difficulties. One of the patients is zigzagging about the fairway like a liner pursued by submarines. - P. G. Wodehouse

The average golfer doesn't play golf. He attacks it. - Jackie Burke

My golf game's gone off so much that when I went fishing a couple of weeks ago my first cast missed the lake. - Ben Crenshaw

Few pleasures on earth match the feeling that comes from making a loud bodily-function noise just as a guy is about to putt. - Dave Barry

I'd rather watch a cabbage grow, than a man worrying his guts over a two-foot putt. - Michael Parkinson

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. - Dean Martin

92 - Golf Shorts: Fines / Olympics / John Daly / Challenge Tour...

It looks like Tiger Woods will not be fined for the comments he made about the officials following his victory at the Bridgestone Invitational. On the final day of the competition Woods was paired with Padraig Harrington in a battle for victory when on the 16th hole referee John Paramor put the pair on the clock as he deemed they had fallen too far behind the pair in front of them.

Harrington managed a triple-bogey on the hole which virtually ended his challenge and Woods was convinced the Irishman rushed three difficult shots because of the actions of the referee. "I don't think that Paddy would have hit the pitch shot that way if he was able to take his time, look at it, analyse it," Woods said. "But he was on the clock, had to get up there quickly and hit it." Normally a player would be fined for speaking out against the officials like this but it looks like Eldrick has gotten away with it.

One thing Woods could get is a gold medal if the International Olympic Committee adds the sport to the 2016 Games. The IOC board will meet today in Berlin to recommend two sports to be added to the games in 7 years by which time Tiger would be 40.

Woods said: "I think golf is a truly global sport and I think it should have been in the Olympics a while ago. If it does get in, I think it would be great for golf and especially some of the other smaller countries that are now emerging in golf." Golf is expected to be one of the two sports selected with Bog Snorkelling being the other.

In an astonishing u-turn, John Daly (left) has agreed to play in Australia again despite vowing never to return. The 43-year-old has confirmed he will take part in the Australian PGA Championship in Queensland and may also play in the Australian Open in Sydney this December.

‘Long John’ Daly has a chequered history in the land down under but the majority of the public seem to love him. In 1997 he annoyed local sponsors who had paid him a large appearance fee when he shot a third round 83 then tore through his final round in just over two hours. Five years later he was disqualified and then fined at the Australian PGA after he threw his putter into a lake and stormed off the course without signing his card. Then 12 months ago he grabbed a spectator's camera and smashed it into a tree during the opening round of the Australian Open. Got to love the Daly.

And finally...

Fancy making a few quid? Why not play in the Challenge Tour’s richest event where you could scoop a share of the €400,000 prize fund? It won’t be easy though, the winner will need to tame an Arnold Palmer designed championship course as well as some of the best players in the second tier of men's professional golf in Europe. So which country is the host for this event? France? Spain? Italy? Nope, it is Borat’s homeland, Kazakhstan!

The fifth edition of the event takes place in September at the Zhailjau Golf Resort in Almaty, Kazakhstan in the shadow of the vast snowcapped Tien Shan mountain range. Director of the Challenge Tour, Alain de Soultrait said: “The Kazakhstan Open is undoubtedly one of the most important tournaments on the Challenge Tour schedule, so it is essential that we find a course capable of staging it. Any course which carries the great Arnold Palmer’s signature is sure to provide a true test.”

91 - Leap Of Faith...

Erm, I did it, I went out and bought a set of golf clubs but not the ones I’ve been drooling over for the last 12 months. Originally I had my heart set on the Mizuno MX-200’s which are widely regarded as being the best ‘game improver’ clubs on the market (the won best clubs in a recent round up in Today’s Golfer) but I’ve ended up with a set of super sexy MP-57 blades.

As I mentioned in a previous post I was looking around eBay for some new golfing paraphernalia and noticed that certain models of Mizuno club were significantly cheaper than the prices quoted on the online stores. One such model was the MP-57 which has a MRRP of £600 but was on offer for just £275 from a number of sellers. This intrigued me; I had to know what the catch was.

The catch is that although still listed on the official Mizuno website the MP-57’s are now no longer manufactured by the company.

The Japanese firm introduced the MP-52 which didn’t replace the 57 but fitted in as the entry level blade in the range effectively making the clubs I have bought obsolete. Maybe obsolete is not the right word, but with the arrival of the 52 there was no real need for the 57.

Before the 52 was developed the 57 was the most forgiving blade that Mizuno manufactured. It has a small cavity on the back and something called dual muscle technology which helps shift the weight to the bottom of the club to help promote clean, high flight shots. Like the majority of Mizuno clubs the 57’s are grain flow forged to deliver a buttery soft feel.

I’m really looking forward to trying the clubs out as I’ve read a lot of good things about them. Ideally I would have tried before I bought but because of the way they were bought it was impossible. People who write for magazines for a living who get to test every club available love them; users on forums I have read love them so I’m pretty sure I’ll love them too. I’ll let you all know how I get on.

90 - Everything Starts With A Three...

As mentioned in an earlier post I decided to buy a 3 wood after taking Richie’s advice. My first shot can be wild if I use my MX-560 driver which means I tend to use a hybrid off the tee. The hybrid gives me more control but I lose a fair bit of distance and Richie suggested that a 3 wood could be the answer providing more accuracy aligned with respectable length off the tee with the added bonus of being useful off the fairway.

I scanned the online retailers and eBay and eventually bought a second hand Mizuno F-60 for less than £40. The pictures of the club reassured me as it looked pretty much spotless save for a few tiny marks on the face but until it is in your hands you don’t really know what you are getting from eBay, do you? Well it arrived yesterday and I’m very pleased. Exactly as described, less than half price.

I was concerned that it came with a stiff graphite shaft as I’ve never used one before but a few practice swings helped allay some of these worries. The club feels somewhere between the stiffness of the steel shaft on my old John Daley driver and the flexible graphite on the MX-560.

It is a difficult feel to describe, sort of stiff and floppy at the same time (I realise we are getting dangerously close to ‘Carry On up the Fairway again so I’ll leave it there).

Compared to my driver the head on the F-60 looks tiny in fact it doesn’t look too much bigger than my Howson hybrid which came as a real surprise. Although not exactly the same it is obvious that the F-60 is the MX-560’s little brother, there are a lot of aesthetic touches which are quite similar like the polished sole, the colour scheme and head cover which is almost identical.

I’m looking forward to pinging a few balls up the range with the F-60 to see what it can do. Reviews have been quite favourable although the next generation of Mizuno woods have the edge on the clubs I have now. Hopefully I can find 200+ yards down the centre of the fairway from now on and then work towards my PGA Tour card!

89 - Long And Straight...

After my disappointing return to the driving range last week I was eager to get back and get practicing. I convinced Lucky to come with me (despite his initial reluctance) and we set about learning how to swing the wrenches again after almost six months away from the game. I had forgotten how difficult golf could be, especially when you are absolutely rubbish at it like me.

The last time I tried to use my MX-560 driver I consistently sliced the ball although by the end of my session the mishit had come in a fair bit but was still irritatingly to the right. My hybrid was, as usual, straight, long and low off the tee – perfect for windy conditions. I mentioned in another post that Richie’s advice was to focus on using the consistent hybrid until I could tame the big driver.

A few shots with the hybrid had me concerned; the straightness and consistency seemed to have evaporated being replaced with hooks, slices and the odd shank. It took half a dozen shots before I got back into the groove and started making clean strikes again. Just for a break I turned to the driver to let Lucky hear the loud noise it created when it is caught just right. I was stunned by the shots that resulted.

I hit six balls (they are always in batches of six – don’t know why but they have to be hit this way!) with the driver, each went straight and soared high and long down the range. It was a complete change from the last time I had been at the range and Lucky was impressed both with the noise from the driver and the shots it produced. I assumed it was a fluke so tried another six balls and hit another six good drives which brought a Cheshire Cat-like grin to my face.

My drives were going so far, so high and so straight that they started attracting the attention of other people at the range, particularly a guy in the bay next to us who was fizzing some decent shots up the field.

After one immense, arrow straight, ridiculously long drive he quipped “Who do you think you are, Tiger Woods?!” If I was Kryten from Red Dwarf I would have gone into ‘Smug Mode’.

I got talking to the guy and he was asking what driver I was using and what handicap I play off. He was amazed by how little the driver cost and the fact I haven’t got a real handicap yet (but I’m pretty confident it would be around the 28 mark). He was very complimentary about my game which made me think that I must have improved in the last year although saying that he only saw me hit a few drives I suppose.

Things were not going so well for Lucky though, he couldn’t hit a cows behind with a banjo! All his drives were slicing a ridiculous amount and his shots were not getting the customary two miles of air under them. He was struggling badly and getting more and more frustrated. I explained to him that I was exactly the same last week but it didn’t seem to make any difference although he did cheer up a bit when he beat me on the chipping challenge.

While at the range I had a bit of an epiphany when I found that I could hit the same shot over and over with my 5 iron. I was messing around trying lazy swings and found I could hit sweet shots consistently by using a three-quarter swing and concentrating on a good follow through. For the first time ever I could predict with a degree of certainty where the ball would land.

By the end of the session I was itching to play again. My driving was 100% better, my hybrid shots eventually returned to their consistent best and my iron shots were a revelation. Lucky was downbeat but I assured him that he would be miles better next time. Roll on the next session.

88 - Fourth Monday Rant - Cover Flaps...

When I started doing these Monday rants I mentioned that some of them would be serious, some not so serious and some just plain stupid. Today is a stupid day. Well you lot will probably think it is stupid but it is something that annoys the life out of me. The subject of today’s rant is cover flaps on magazines. There is a very obvious joke about flaps on the cover of magazines and publications like Playboy, Hustler and Penthouse. I’m not going to stoop to that level.

A cover flap, for those who are wondering what the hell I’m going on about, is when the magazine producers decide to whore themselves to one of the big manufacturers and put an advert behind the front cover underneath two flaps. Before you get to the advertisement laden publication there is the pleasure of a double page spread announcing the latest and greatest in golf tee technology from TaylorMade.

When FootJoy have an insert within the magazine promoting the massive leaps in shoelace design they have made it forces me to grimace, when my copy of Golf Whine Monthly arrives with a free supplement explaining how Callaway’s new towel will change the way I play golf forever I start twitching like someone from One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest but flaps on the cover of magazines send me over the edge.

These extra revenue generating pains in the arse probably seem like a good idea to the Editor in Chief of the publication but all they do is drive me to absolute distraction. I think I have a bit of OCD going on as I like to keep my magazines in pristine condition even after they have been pored over, scrutinised and fingered. The extra flaps make this exercise that bit more difficult as the cover almost always curves up like some creepy triffid.

The extra bits of cover also make it a little more difficult to hold the magazine when reading it. Don’t believe me? Try it. The front of it lolls around like a love sick teenager sitting next to the girl of his dreams when babysitting in her aunt’s house in the summer holidays...or something. Anyway, it doesn’t help the reading experience one bit.

We pay £4 for a magazine that is already filled with adverts for everything you could possibly imagine using in the sport of golf yet they still try and ring out a few more quid from the manufacturers by offering up the front cover. To me it is like publication prostitution but, unlike the ladies of low moral fibre who offer themselves up to men, once the flaps are open it is difficult to get them shut again.

(I’ve just read that article back again and there is so much innuendo in it I was toying with calling it ‘Carry On up the Fairway’. I apologise to anyone who I’ve offended).

87 - Quote/Unquote...

If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him. - Bob Hope

Our guess is that the inventor of scopolamine, the truth-forcing drug, grew weary of listening to golf scores. - Colorado Springs Gazette

Some guys get so nervous playing for their own money, the greens don't need fertilising for a year. - Dave Hill

I don't care to join any club that's prepared to have me as a member. - Groucho Marx

Some players would complain if they had to play on Dolly Parton's bedspread. - Jimmy Demaret

I'm hitting the driver so good, I gotta dial the operator for long distance after I hit it. - Lee Trevino

According to locker-room lore, the name golf arose by default - all the other four-letter words had already been taken. - George Pepper

Any game where a man 60 can beat a man 30 ain't no game. - Burt Shotten

Golf is an ineffectual attempt to direct an uncontrollable sphere into an inaccessible hole with instruments ill-adapted to the purpose. - Sir Winston Churchill

It's not polite to pick up a lost ball before it stops rolling. 
- Anonymous

86 - Golf Shorts: Tiger / Mickelson / Buick / Schmidt...

The papers, sports sites and blogs have been quick to sharpen the knife (then stick it to Eldrick) this week. If Tiger Woods doesn’t win the upcoming PGA Championship at Hazeltine, he will finish 2009 without a major title. This, it seems, is a disaster despite the great man already racking up four victories this season. I’m sure Woods will be gutted if he goes a whole year without a major victory to his name but he can always console himself by checking his bank balance.

Phil Mickelson (below) returned to the PGA Tour after missing the last six weeks to care for his wife and mother after both where diagnosed with breast cancer. "Things at home are going much better. We've had a great six weeks," said Mickelson. "We're in a much better place now than we were. I'm excited about that. I'm excited about the chance to play a little golf too." The world number 2 took part in the Bridgestone Invitational in Akron, Ohio ahead of next week's PGA Championship.

In a moment of common sense Buick confirmed they will no longer be sponsoring golf tournaments. Buick’s parent company General Motors are making workers redundant as the global recession hits hard so it would be in extreme bad taste for them to splash the cash to get their name plastered all over the TV footage from one of the immaculate courses dotted around the US.

It isn’t just Buick pulling out; there are at least another 10 tournaments in America that could be without a main sponsor after 2010 as the big corporations tighten their belts and slash their advertising budgets.

And finally...

Most players would give anything to be a professional but one man was planning on taking the United States Golf Association to court to reinstate his amateur status.

The fantastically named Dusty Schmidt recently dropped a lawsuit against the governing body when he was advised by his legal team that he probably wouldn’t win.

Schmidt is a former top junior golfer who went on to play professionally but took a break from the sport when he suffered a heart attack in 2004 aged just 23. While recuperating he started playing online poker and now is one of the games top players earning over $3m in prize money. When his health improved in 2006 he successfully applied to regain his amateur status but it all went wrong this April when he issued a $1m challenge on his website for a combined poker and golf competition.

As Schmidt was playing for cash the USGA revoked his amateur status. Schmidt refuted the decision because no-one took him up on the challenge so he didn’t actually play for money! The golf association ignored his plea because the challenge was "detrimental to the best interests of the amateur game." The poker ace is now back in training and is hoping to compete in some professional events. If you can’t beat ‘em eh?

85 - The Oakley Cokey...

So the other day I was moaning about the Lyle & Scott brigade and agreeing with Chris Evans when he said that he likes golf he just doesn’t like looking like a golfer. With this in mind I went on a bit of an online shopping spree to stock up on some new fairway clobber that looked as far removed from the diamond jumper and slacks set as possible.

I’ll be honest, I haven’t got the right ‘build’ for the more designer kit out there – you need snake hips and pecks (not moobs) to pull the desired look off, which means I’m kinda out of luck. I need something a little more casual, something with a more relaxed fit if you know what I’m getting at? Ok, something to cover my ever-expanding gut!

Being a fussy sod I also wanted to steer away from the label encrusted gear that seems the norm in the golf world.

On the subject of labels, it was bad enough when company’s splashed their names all over you clothing but now they have started teaming up to do it. I noticed that recently TaylorMade and Adidas have teamed up to produce a range that is covered in logos – nice.

I like the idea of wearing stuff that isn’t the norm on the course without overstepping the all-important rules, which got me looking at brands I wouldn’t normally associate with golf.

One of these brands was Oakley who are more famous for their sunglasses and surf wear than their involvement in golf (although they do provide someone called Ricky Barnes (left) with his apparel).

A quick look at their range show plenty of casual polo shirts with subtle logos, less formal looking chino/Dockers/cargo type pants and stylish caps. It is the type of stuff you could wear away from the course without looking like you have just finished a round and haven’t had time to get changed. It is right up my street so I ordered a load of it!

The next time I’m at the local municipal I’m gonna look good, resplendent in my slacker-fit cargo pants and loose polo shirt safe in the knowledge that I have the appropriate attire on without a hint of knitwear, pastel slacks or logo infested caps. Oh yeah, and some of it isn’t even black!

84 - Golf Lesson (Write This Down)...

83 - Third Monday Rant - Tiger Woods 2010...

I’ve just read that the latest incarnation of EA’s Tiger Woods tailors the in game weather conditions to match those currently at the courses included in the game via the Weather Channel. Why? Why do I want to play a video game that mirrors the shitty weather outside? If I wanted to hack at a ball in something approaching a monsoon I’d just nip to the nearest municipal in the summer wearing my wellys.

Does anyone enjoy playing golf in rain with the wind howling? Maybe there are some masochists out there but who, hand on heart, would enjoy slashing their way around the Old Course at St Andrews with a 30mph wind from the North Sea dumping every drive into one of the billion B&B’s that surround the venue? Well now Tiger Woods 2010 lets you do just that from the comfort of your own living room. Pointless.

Also, you can buy the game for the Nintendo Wii bundled with a new dongle called Wii Motion Plus that plugs into the controller and increases the sensitivity of the controller so much it can detect that you have changed the angle of the club face to add things like draw/fade etc.

Again, why? The point of playing a video game is to have a bit of escapism not to replicate real world problems in front of a television. I can’t produce draw on the course so chances are I can’t on the game.

But wait, what if I practice and practice and practice until I can draw the ball at will on the game, surely I’ll be able to transfer that skill to the course as the game is so realistic? Yeah right. There is more chance of me getting a job as an oil boy at the next ‘Hollyoaks Babes’ calendar shoot (above) than that happening – and don’t call me Shirley.

Why do games producers feel the need to add crap like this? The obvious answer is that they think that more features equal a better a game but sometimes less is more. Instead of spending hundreds of hours perfecting these two new features why not include another course or two? I’d much rather play Royal Birkdale than have the life irritated out of my by digital drizzle as I slice the ball into the virtual sea.

82 - Quote/Unquote...

Tee the ball high. Because years of experience have shown me that air offers less resistance than dirt. - Jack Nicklaus

I plan to win so much money this year, my caddie's gonna finish in the Top 20 money winners. - Lee Trevino

The only thing that scares me (about the Ryder Cup) is the Americans' dress sense. - Mark James

If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't waste energy going back to pick it up. - Tommy Bolt

The safest place for spectators in celebrity tournaments is probably on the fairway. - Joe Garagiola

Golfers don't fist fight. They cuss a bit. But they wouldn't punch anything or anybody. They might hurt their hands and have to change their grip. - Dan Jenkins

Scotland is a peculiar land that is the birthplace of golf and sport salmon fishing, a fact which may explain why it is also the birthplace of whisky. - Henry Beard

Gay Brewer swings the club in a figure of eight. If you didn't know better, you'd swear he was trying to kill snakes. - Dave Hill

'Play It As It Lies' is one of the fundamental dictates of golf. The other one is 'Wear It If It Clashes'. - Henry Beard

We've had it easy. When it blows here (St Andrews), even the seagulls walk. - Nick Faldo

81 - 3, That's The Magic Number...

The problems I have been having with my driving have had me thinking – a lot. I’ve decided to use my MX-560 driver only on the range until I can wrestle a bit of accuracy out of it and am therefore forced to tee off with my hybrid for now. Not a perfect solution but the best I can come up with…or is it?

As normal when I have a problem in golf I obsess over it and hit the Internet and magazines hard! It seems that the best thing to do when your drives are wild is to simply use a different club. A few sites suggest the new fangled hybrids as they make hitting the ball long and straight a lot easier – something I can vouch for after using my £10 Howson on the driving range for a year.

Other less progressive sites suggest moving down the clubs and claim that a 3 wood will deliver most of the distance of a driver with the advantage of not being as difficult to control. Right, I’ll use my 3 wood from now on then…when it arrives. Oh yeah, I haven’t got one yet but it is on it’s way.

Continuing my obsession with Mizuno, I had a look around to see what was on offer from the Japanese golf wizards and found that they have just released the MX-700 Hot Metal wood. Fantastic reviews, as sexy as Scarlett Johansson (left) but a bit too pricey for me, even on eBay. I needed a quality alternative.

The MX-700 replaces the F-60, which was Mizuno’s darling of the tee/fairway until earlier this year. Logic dictates that, as there is a new, shiny club on the market the price of the old one should drop. Erm, no, it seems that being a decent piece of kit the price of the F-60 has stayed high (in fact it costs the same as the new MX-700 on some websites) so it was still too pricey.

Another dip into he murky world of eBay revealed yet more expensive clubs but also thrown into the mix were some second hand woods of varying quality. I made an offer of £30 for a slightly battered 3 wood that was going for £50 plus delivery. The seller rejected my offer and did me a favour in hindsight as the club looked abused and came without a head cover.

I was about to give up when I spotted a little cracker. A barely used F-60 with a stiff graphite shaft complete with a head cover going for just £35. I was tempted enough to put a maximum bid of £40 in to test the water. It was sufficient to win so I’m now the proud owner of a Mizuno F-60 3 wood.

I’m expecting good things from this club. I’m hoping for the distance of my MX-560 driver and the accuracy of my cheap Howson hybrid but I’ll bet anything that I just end up with another club that infuriates me to the point of expletives. I'll keep you informed.

80 - The Aches And Pains...

I’m writing this immediately after having my first session at the driving range in 6 months. I’m sore. My back is killing me, my calves are killing me, I can’t grip properly, I’m sweating and I’m knackered. Other than that I’m fine, actually I’m not. I’m a little disappointed as the session didn’t go as well as I hoped but on reflection I was probably being over ambitious.

I’ve been studying my books, poring over my game improvement supplements and practicing my grip at my desk ready for my trip to Aintree with Richie and it was mostly in vain. My shots were slicing like they were the first time I visited the range last August; it was like the last 12 months have been a complete waste of time.

Looking back at it though I can see a few positives. Although just about everything I hit with my driver curled majestically towards the right of the range the other clubs faired a bit better. Using my Howson recovery club produced more consistent and accurate results. I was able to drive the ball just as far as I could with my massive Mizuno MX560 driver with the bonus of it flying quite low and relatively straight.

Afterwards Richie asked why I would bother using my driver when I was getting better results with a cheap hybrid. It was a good question but I couldn’t give a good answer. I suppose the main reason is because I’m a vain sod who wants to be able to drive the ball effortlessly off the tee rather than see my Srixon scuttle its way down the fairway after being farted on by a poxy hybrid.

In hindsight I think it would be more beneficial in the long term to get some quick wins so I’m going to continue to hone my shots with the hybrid and try and wrestle some straight drives out of my driver as a secondary exercise.

It is better to be straight than long (no knob gags please, my ego has already taken a bashing tonight)

Another positive was my chipping. I only hit a few shots but it didn’t take me long to start lofting the ball high and straight at the target (which wasn’t the blue basket as they aren’t there anymore – gutted!) I took one of my new wedges and it was a hit with Richie who complimented its weight and feel. He is a lot better than me so it was reassuring to get a good second opinion from someone I trust.

The night ended on a high though with me fizzing a drive about 250 yards straight down the range. On the way down Daniel (Richie’s lad and my favourite vampire/Emo teenager) was telling me about the only time he played golf and how he spent an afternoon trying to recreate the famous Happy Gilmore drive (above) where you take a run at the ball and smash it off the tee. After a few goes I managed it with the last attempt being a bit special.

With my second to last ball I took a run up from another bay and, with a massive amount of luck, connected sweetly. It was easily my best shot with the driver all night, sailing straight and true through the balmy summer air eventually coming to rest a few yards from the back fence. Beautiful. The irony that my best shot came when I was messing about is not lost on me at all. This game is pretty tricky.

79 - The Big Dawg...

I’ve decided to buy a whole set of Mizuno clubs and I looked on with interest as the price of their MX-560 driver fell over the last few months. Originally it cost £300 but I found it at a number of online retailers for a lot less than that which tempted me more and more and in the end I took the plunge and bought it for just £78 delivered – an absolute bargain I reckon.

Looking through the magazines the reviewers love the MX-560. They praise it for being long and straight off the tee as well as mentioning over and over how easy it is to hit well. The only negative point is the noise it makes when you make a good connection – apparently it makes a really loud, high pitched ‘ting’ off the tee.

I read an article in Golf Whine Monthly about how certain drivers are so loud when they make a good connection that they can actually damage your hearing. Yeah right, a load of hysterical Daily Mail-esque bobbins I thought…until I tried my shiny, new driver at the range and ended up with a ringing in my ear like I’d been at the front of a music festival for three days.

A couple of half power warm up shots saw the ball fire off the club face into the driving range with a satisfying ping, no sign of the dreaded, deafness inducing racket reported. Safe in the knowledge that there was nothing to worry about I smashed the living daylights out of the ball and then had the ‘pleasure’ of having my eardrums almost explode from the metallic whine that came from the club head.

I now understand what the reviewers were talking about when they complained about the noise. It seems, in the confined space of the driving range bay, the problem is literally amplified making each shot a painful experience (and not just because my hideous slice is so bad that I’m debating teeing off at a 45* angle to the left of the fairway in the vain hope of taking my second shot from somewhere other than the rough).

Sound apart, the club is fantastic. The head looks massive at address but comparing it to other drivers it is about average size wise. I know that it shouldn’t really matter what a club looks like but I’m as shallow as a pygmy’s paddling pool so aesthetics are a big factor in whether I buy a bat or not. Thankfully the MX-560 is a hansom brute, finished in metallic navy blue (above) with a funky polished silver sole. The head cover is good too, more blue which I approve of…

It is one of the easiest woods I have used although my experience is a little limited if I’m being honest having only swung a handful of drivers in my short and frustration filled golfing career. The size of the head, coupled with the flexible shaft option fitted means that big, lazy swings produce an impressive amount of height and distance. With a bit of concentration I could even get the ball to fly almost straight on occasions!

Overall I’m impressed with the ‘Big Dawg’ and once I learn how to stop my tee shots from turning right off the face I think it will be a valuable weapon in my ongoing war with the game of golf.