47 - Salmon Pink, Tangerine And Other Manly Colours...

With the big day approaching (I’m talking about my lesson’s with the lovely pro at Widnes golf course not the imminent exit of that whining skank Rachel from the X Factor – ahem) I decided to go on a mini shopping spree to make sure I’m all set for the game. I have the majority of stuff needed but could do with a few ‘essentials’.

As I’ve mentioned elsewhere, I have stocked up on golf balls. Richie told me when I first started playing that until I’m any good it doesn’t really matter what balls I use. With this in mind I pored over magazines, scoured the Internet and decided I needed Titleist Pro V1’s as they provide the distance off the tee and control around the green a player like me demands. Then I saw they were £32 a dozen. Fuck that.

So there I was, on the first tee at Kirkby with my £10 a dozen Callaway Warbird’s with the cross of St George proudly emblazoned on them and my silly little kangaroo drawn on the bottom. Needless to say, I’ve played five rounds in total now and they have all gone, lost to rough, trees and swamps. RIP little Callaway’s. To be honest I’ve lost a load of shite Dunlop’s too but I’m not that arsed about them. Oh and some new Slazenger B52’s.

So I needed some new hazard finding missiles and wasn’t going to pay too much for them. A quick look around Sports Soccer (or whatever it is called, you know the place, in the corner of Speke retail park – I’m not going through all that again) and I found some luminous yellow Donnay balls at a very reasonable price. I’m not THAT fucking stupid so I bought two-dozen Nike NDX distance balls instead.

As it is now November I need some warm gear to play in. I had a choice; top of the range, breathable, waterproof gear from some Scandinavian manufacturer that makes expensive stuff exclusively for golfers or some long sleeve polo shirts. I’m now the proud owner of two long sleeve polo shirts…although they aren’t exactly what I paid for.

I went on to my favourite online golf emporium and notice they had a cool 3-for-2 offer on certain golf shirts. After a bit of perusing I chose a plain white shirt, a black shirt with some rather fetching pink pinstripes and a funky looking ‘tangerine’ Callaway short sleeve top (it was like a dark, rust colour on the picture). Hmmm, everything is not really as it should be.

The package arrived and my white shirt is present and correct. It goes a bit Pete Tong after that though. Instead of sending a black shirt with pink pinstripes I’ve actually got a pink top with black stripes. Very fetching I’m sure you can imagine? Actually, it reminds me of the salmon pink Everton away kit from the 90’s so I’m keeping it. The Callaway shirt isn’t a dark rust colour it is, as advertised, tangerine. Again, very fetching and again I’m keeping it!

To be honest, the only place two of these tops will ever be worn is at the private course at Widnes as I fear for my safety turning up at a municipal in a salmon pink top. The scalls in their England shirts, Lacoste tracksuit bottoms and Reebok Classic’s would literally tear me limb from limb…especially when they see how shit I am. They will think I’m taking the piss out of them (if they are capable of coherent thought that is?)

So when I turn up to play at Widnes with the pro I’m going to look like what can only be described as a twat. Couple this with the fact that I’m useless and have had almost no practice for the last few weeks and you can understand the day can’t come quick enough for me!!! This is going to be a car crash.