38 - First Annual (Drunken) Tiger Woods Challenge...

I have always enjoyed the social side of golf. I have, in the past, been a guest at the Woolton Golf Society Presentation Night and enjoyed myself enormously…mainly because when it comes to drinking I am not bad, not bad at all. So when the first annual (drunken) Tiger Woods Challenge night was proposed I was in like Flynn!!!

We decided to pile around to Kev’s (Alan’s lad and my best mate) to have a four way game of Tiger Woods 09 on the Playstation 3. If you haven’t played TW09 you are missing out as it is simply brilliant. On the PS 3 it looks amazing and is easy enough to pick up and play but just difficult enough to keep you on your toes.

Along with me and Kev were Richie and an old friend called Paddy. Paddy is a good few years younger than us and has played TW in its earlier guises so we all thought he was the dark horse, the one to beat. Also there was Gaz who, if you remember from a previous post, is going to provide security for Robs Irregular Golf Society. It is good to have some security when playing a game as violent and aggressive as golf.

With the competitors ready, the characters selected (I was playing as John ‘ice-cream’ Daly, Kev was Vijay ‘Dev’ Singh, Richie was Colin ‘Doubtfire’ Montgomery and Paddy was Ian ‘Le Tissier’ Poulter) the game loaded and with can’s in hand we started. Then we stopped again to change the settings as Kev was using the metric system and no cunt could work out how far 156 meters actually was or how much compensation was needed when there was a 3 kilometre cross wind. Setting changed, we started!

Almost predictably Paddy pulled out an early lead. Four birdies in five holes had him comfortably in the lead with ‘slow and steady’ Richie in second and me and Kev miles behind after swapping double-bogeys and generally being shite. Then the arse fell hilariously out of Paddy’s round as he mortared two of his tee shots into the ocean and began a slippery slope to the bottom. Richie “you have to play all 18 holes” was now in the lead with me and Kev clawing shots back.

As the drink flowed the game got more and more raggered with Richie dropping shots with his cautious play, Paddy screaming at Kev for telling him the wrong buttons to press and me trying to outdrive everyone at the expense of staying on the course at times. The inevitable sledging began with Paddy and Kev almost coming to blows at one point over a scream of “PANCAKE!” (no, I don’t know what it means either).

As the game went on, Paddy got shitter and shitter hitting some of the worst shots ever seen on a video game. This was partly down to his dubious ability and partly down to Kev who was winding him up something rotten. Richie was still playing safe, consistent golf but it wasn’t enough as me and Kev blasted past his score.

I was impressed with Kev, he was much better than I was expecting as he claimed he had only played the game a couple of times before. But as Harold Shipman once said, ‘the truth will out’. After speaking to lovely Sharron, his preggers fiancée, it turns out that he had been practicing since 7:30 that morning in order to get an edge. Tut tut tut…he was almost bringing the game into disrepute!

After some good golf (not from Paddy to be honest) the last two holes were looming and Kev tried some Sir Alex Ferguson-esque mind games. Unfortunately for him I’m not a spineless bitch like Kevin Keegan and cruised to a two shot win. I was magnanimous in victory and didn’t gloat like a cunt, no Sir, that isn’t my style!!!

As it was relatively early (11pm – we had been playing for 3 hours!) we decided to have a doubles game. It had a name which I don’t remember but it was basically everyone tees off and then the pairs select the best ball for the second shot then the shots are taken alternately. Geditt? It was a struggle for us too after a few cans.

Me and Richie were wild and Kev and Paddy has kissed and made up. They went into a two shot lead that me and Richie clawed back despite the arguing and screaming. “They are fighting amongst themselves” came the gleeful cries from the soon to be losers. The reason we were so passionate was because we wanted the victory more than them two.

After not being ahead for 8 of the 9 holes, me and Richie snatched victory from the jaws of defeat. As they say, the cream cannot help but to rise up to the top and that is what we did as we rose like salmon to strike a blow for podgy games players all over the world. Experience triumphed over youth and all Kev’s snide practicing was in vain!!!