After much searching I finally found a garment that no golfer should be without. As I type a Woodworm cotton slipover from the Ernie Els 2008 range is winging its way to me (in case you hadn’t worked it out a slipover is a sleeveless jumper). Next on my list is a pair of plus four kecks. I think it is important to look the part even if you can’t actually play the fucking game.
As expected the top is black. Black is rapidly becoming my trademark. I’m the Roy Orbison of amateur golf in the north Liverpool area only without the shades…or the quiff…or the voice…and I’m alive. I also splurged on a couple of caps which are obviously black and could, from a distance, look like a quiff I suppose thus making the Orbison comparison valid again.
On the subject of clobber, why don’t manufacturers like Adidas cater for the salad dodgers out there? If, as expected, darts becomes an Olympic sport then Adidas will be fucked when trying to kit out Phil ‘The Gut’ Taylor for the Team GB parade at the opening ceremony. What are they going to do, wrap him in a giant Union Jack and then stitch it up like a massive nappy?
Even Nike are uncharacteristically limited in their sizing considering they come from the country that invented gluttony. They can make a basketball shirt to fit one of those room sized grazers that get fork lifted onto the back of a flatbed lorry to appear on the Sally Jessy Springer show yet they can’t do a golf shirt that fits a podgy bloke from Liverpool, England.
You’d think, given that half of their target customers are so fat they have their own zip (post) code that they would do bigger sizes but no. Either that or I’m looking in the wrong place in which case I apologise unreservedly for using tired and frankly obvious stereotypes to describe the American massive.
I bet the reason Craig Stadler retired because Nike didn’t do a top to fit him. The poor sod was desperate for an XXXXXXL shirt but the fascists in Oregon simply wouldn’t make it. You don’t see much of John Daley anymore do you? He was last seen in ‘Sports American Soccer Yaaall’ looking for a pair of natty Adidas kecks to fit his bit fat arse but they only go up to 38. Cunts.
Tuesday 16 September 2008
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