01 - First; The Sound of Shanking...

Let me start from the beginning. I’m 35 and about as healthy as a deep fried Mars Bar so my better half was on at me to do more exercise. I had a look around and decided to try golf as it seemed like a sport where you could amble about all day eating and swigging beer – perfect! After committing to the sport by buying a second-hand set of clubs (Callaway, they are good apparently) I realised that darts would probably have been a better option.

So now I have the bats, the metals, the bag (and know all the terminology) I just had to learn how to hit the ball and I’d be on the PGA Tour or at the very least hustling auld ones out of their pension on municipal golf courses around the North West. It turns out that hitting the ball is quite difficult but is a piece of piss compared to trying to hit the little white bastard straight. I needed help and practice.

Help arrived in the shape of Alan and Richie. I’ve know both guys for years and knew that they played golf a fair bit so I was confident that they would be able to turn this talentless mess into something resembling a golfist. Sure enough Alan was first to try and managed to teach me how to hit the ball. I was on my way…unfortunately the way was miles off to the right as I had a slice wilder than a 70’s porn stars bush.

After spanking 50 balls randomly up the driving range at Aintree I had an epiphany as I hit one straight! What a feeling, I was happier than Gary Glitter in a playground. Alan said all I had to do now was to hit another ball in the same way and get it to land in the same place. After another 50 balls I gave up and went home aching and disheartened.

Alan was quick to praise my ability to actually hit the ball and hit it quite far but I almost gave up there and then. He was adamant that I should persevere but I hate being shit at anything and boy was I shit at golf. The thing is, years ago I used to smack a ball up and down our local school field without trying. Now I’m trying everything to just make a clean connection; Jedi mind tricks, ritual animal sacrifices, even begging but nothing was working.

All the excitement and eagerness to play evaporated with 99 shitty, yellow range balls. What a cunt.