02 - Merch...

In an attempt to rekindle my love for a sport that was clearly devised by a sadist, I immersed myself in the wonderful, wonderful world of merchandise. Before you could say “stop buying shit off the internet” I was buying shit off the internet. Balls, caps, head covers, whips, chains the lot.

The next day I took a wander around Sports Soccer or whatever it is called (that place in the corner of Speke Retail Park, near the Marks & Spencer, not the food Marks & Spencer by Argos but the one that sells all the bras and that…near Borders, well not THAT near but closer than Argos. By Next and Clinton Cards. In the corner, sort of behind the O2 shop…actually no, the O2 shop is further away than Borders isn’t it?)

Anyway, I went there and had a look around at the stuff on offer. As I’m a newcomer to the whole golf world I needed one of anything to be honest. I bought some essentials first including a trolley and some waterproofs. Because I’m not as svelte as I used to be I had to buy an XXL rain suit which was a problem. The jacket fitted well but the kecks were clearly tailored for a Basketball player or one of the Portsmouth team. The bottoms trailed along the floor like Princess Diana’s wedding dress, if her dress was made out of blue shell suit material.

I also bought 15 Dunlop balls with the sole intention of smacking them away as everyone I have spoken too reckons the range balls are utter crap and don’t feel or travel like proper balls. Hopefully it is the range balls fault that all my drives take a right turn after leaving the club face and not the fact that I’m about as much use as tits on a fish when it comes to swinging the wrenches.

After the waterproofs, balls and trolley I had shoes on my mind. A mate in work told me to get white shoes as he said he always feels special when he has to put his white shoes on and that it makes him feel good. I think he is weird but I fancied a pair trabs that looked like bowling shoes, or spats. The Bugsy Malone look is a good look I say.

I settled on a swanky pair of white Adidas shoes. They have some coating on them and are guaranteed to be waterproof for a year. Got a size bigger under advisement of numerous mates and the bloke in the shop then topped the whole thing off with a thick pair of golf socks. They are dead comfy and I look like I know what I’m doing which is important. Alan was clearly impressed with my shoes when he said “They’ll be a cunt to clean”. I’ve done well.