18 - Why Is The Ryder Cup held In Viking Heaven?

I’m getting excited about The Ryder Cup. I watched the history of the competition on ESPN Classic the other night and as we speak I have got ‘How The 2004 Ryder Cup Was Won’ on Sky HD. Normally The Ryder Cup is something I have a bit of interest in but this year I can see myself setting up camp in front of my big arse telly for the entire weekend.

It was interesting to see that the original idea by Bert Ryder was for a gentleman’s competition (in the spirit of the word gentleman not just that woman aren’t allowed to play even though they aren’t coincidentally) where fair play and chivalry were as important as winning. Each year the captains try and reinforce this ethos yet it seems to fall on deaf ears as far as I can see.

Looking at the highlights of the last few competitions it became apparent that despite getting mullered by the Europeans, the Americans still had an unbearable arrogance about them. For example Jim Furyk looks like he is doing everyone a favour turning up whilst Eldrick Woods looks like he would rather be at home, counting his billions (which he probably will be this year as he hasn’t bothered his arse turning up this time).

But it isn’t just the players, it is the fans too. Every time I hear some ‘stars and bars’ clad, hick gobshite scream “get in the hole” I want to ram a sand wedge up his big, fat, yokel arse. Shut your fucking mouth, what you say makes absolutely no difference to the inanimate object that has just been pinged up the fairway or stroked across the green. Screaming barely coherent drivel isn’t going to change the direction, trajectory or power of the ball and just makes you sound like a dick.

Every putt made by a yank is greeted with the same sort of screams of ecstasy usually reserved for a 2-4-1 offer on at Pizza Hut and if they actually manage to win a point there is virtually a tickertape parade on the green. Now, I’m not saying there shouldn’t be passion but that shower take the piss in my opinion. Are they acting in a gentlemanly manner? What do you reckon?

Saying that I’ve seen a few clowns from the right of the Atlantic too. There was a bloke done up as a Pearly King with his arm around a tool dressed as a leprechaun. Although it was toe curling it did show how golf can bring people together, I mean, do you think they would be embracing each other so readily when the IRA were trying to blow up big chunks of England and our soldiers were gunning down protestors in Ireland?

This years event is held in the Viking heaven of Valhalla which strangely seems to be in America rather than Asgard (ruled over by Odin) so I expect my ears to bleed with the sound of whoops and holla’s every time a USA player moves a muscle while every miss or skewed shot from a European is cheered like the opening of a new McDonalds.