181 - Bitten By The Bug...

Well, it has been five months since I updated this little corner of the web, the reason being it has been five months since I even looked at my bats (other than to move them out of the way when trying to get to stuff in the spare room that is). All that changed today though.

My lovely, lovely fiancée bought me a lesson at a local driving range for Christmas. Bag of balls, hour lesson, tea and coffee – all very civilised. To be honest, I wasn’t looking forward to it but I’ll hold my hands up and admit I enjoyed it a lot more than I should.

The day started with mission Gok Wan would have loved, picking the perfect outfit to wear for such an auspicious occasion. I forgot just how much kit I have bought over the last couple of years. 20 minutes later I was bedecked in white Oakley polo, black Oakley pants and an ace Puma jumper (below). I looked the part if nothing else.

Time to dust off the bats (literally). I took my driver, 5 iron, 7 iron and 52* wedge – a pretty varied selection for the Pro to assess me on I thought.

I removed the massive, fluffy kangaroo head cover from my driver incidentally, replacing it with the standard Mizuno one. Big coward.

Richie and me arrived at a shoddy looking site that looked like it was in serious need of a makeover.

We learned later from the Pro that the place had just been taken over and had been stripped ahead of a complete renovation and expansion planned in the next couple of months.

The accommodation may have been poor but the instruction was very good. The Pro recorded my swing as I went through my paces with the 7 iron and spotted immediately why I sliced the ball so much and why my distance is restricted. Apparently I have noisy hands and an active left foot. 5 minutes of instruction later I was bombing balls straight and true. Result.

I spent the next hour watching the ball mostly sail where I wanted it. I wasn’t completely cured but I was hitting the ball straighter, further and more consistently. That hour has just rekindled my desire to play and improve, I’ve definitely been bitten by the bug again…

109 - Consistently Consistent...

I can now confirm that my new found golfing powers were not through some ‘the stars were in alignment’ fluke but are down to practice, hard work and technique. That’s right boys and girls, I said technique! I have finally managed to work out how to hit a ball straight and long. It has only taken me 12 months, and it is restricted to my irons, but it is true.

I visited the driving range last night eager to see if I could replicate the shots I was finding at the weekend and I’m pleased to say that I could. Both my 5 iron and 7 iron shots went, on the whole, straight and true and for the first time ever I could see the difference in the flight of the ball using different clubs which genuinely excited me.

People who can play may scoff at my joy at seeing shots from the 5 iron flying lower and further than those from the 7 iron but when you can’t hit the ball consistently things like that are just something you read about in Golf Whine Monthly. All the hints and tips about course management like suggesting hitting a more penetrating shot with a longer iron to stay below the worst of the wind etc is a viable option if you hit the ball consistently. For the first time ever, I have that option.

I met Lucky at the range and showed him the new set up technique I had been using to see if it worked for him. Initially it made no difference whatsoever but not long after he was pinging the crappy yellow range balls high and straight into the noticeably cooler feeling night air. I’m not sure if it was my expert tuition or just that he was in the groove but he was firing them well.

As we were both hitting the irons well we had our first game of the yellow basket challenge in months. The idea of the game is simple; get a ball in the yellow net about 150 yards away in as few shots as possible. Sally Gunnell’s are allowed (ugly runners) and the winner is the first person to find the target in 12 balls or less. To cut a long story short I managed to find the net after about 6 balls with all my other shots peppering the target nicely. Proof of improvement.

As always, I didn’t just bring my gorgeous irons. Against my better judgement I decided to give my MX-560 driver another chance. I’ll admit I was slightly better with the big dawg than usual but still nowhere near as consistent as I would like to be, a fact highlighted when I borrowed Lucky’s Nike SQ Sumo² 3 wood (above) and hit shot after satisfying shot long and straight into the still night sky. Lesson learned, I’m sticking with my F-60 3 wood for the time being.

Before we left I let Lucky try my MP-57’s while I had a little knock with his SQ Sumo Irons. The difference in the clubs was quite marked. My clubs felt heavier and more solid but his were easier to hit. One thing we both commented on was that when the ball was hit sweetly both clubs felt fantastic which is exactly what we are both aiming for. Who knows, with a bit more practice all our shots could feel like that.

108 - Glorious...

I woke up on Sunday relatively hangover free despite going to a lovely dinner party in a friend’s house (fantastic homemade meal, wine and bubbly around the table – we even had candles and napkins!) so I decided to visit the driving range to blow off the remaining cobwebs before going to the match to scream abuse at a load of overpaid Nancy boys who don’t deserve my continued support. Ahem...

Like just about every time I have ever been to the range, it was raining. Not only was it raining but it was blowing a gale too which only helped accentuate my cripplingly bad beginners slice. I warmed up with a few bombs from my 3 wood (I’ve all but given up on trying to tame my driver for now). All was good with my new weapon of choice from the tee but it was my iron shots that impressed.

When I go to the driving range I try to simply hit the same shot twice (immense ambition eh?) Consistency is the key to decent golf apparently but for the last year or so the only thing consistent about my shots is their inconsistency. At the weekend I had an epiphany as I successfully managed to hit the same shot over and over again.

I worked out how to set myself up the same way each time to produce a repeatable shot – the casual observer may have thought I knew what I was doing! Time and time again I hit my 5 iron long, straight and true. I could even pick out a spot and hit it. This may not sound like a big deal to those of you who can play golf, but for me it was the equivalent of monkeys using tools for the first time.

Just to check it wasn’t a fluke I tried the same thing with my 7 iron and found I could use that properly too! The frustration, anger and depression I had suffered at the hands of this son-of-a-bitch game melted away with each glorious, straight down the middle shot. I went through about 50 balls with a gormless grin on my face.

With my confidence soaring I moved on to my 52* wedge knowing that I was now an international ball striking legend. Things didn’t go as well as I had hoped as I discovered that I had completely lost any skill I had with wedges with my lovely little MP-R (above) taking a bit of a pounding as I slammed it into the mat with regular and bone juddering regularity. It took a lot of effort to get the ball in the air at all but it eventually came back to me.

I walked to the car happy that I now have something to indicate that all the practice, all the effort all the frustration wasn’t in vain. For the first time in 12 months I could say that I had something approaching a repeatable swing – something to build on and refine. I’m going back to the driving range later to confirm that the Sunday morning session wasn’t just a fluke.

89 - Long And Straight...

After my disappointing return to the driving range last week I was eager to get back and get practicing. I convinced Lucky to come with me (despite his initial reluctance) and we set about learning how to swing the wrenches again after almost six months away from the game. I had forgotten how difficult golf could be, especially when you are absolutely rubbish at it like me.

The last time I tried to use my MX-560 driver I consistently sliced the ball although by the end of my session the mishit had come in a fair bit but was still irritatingly to the right. My hybrid was, as usual, straight, long and low off the tee – perfect for windy conditions. I mentioned in another post that Richie’s advice was to focus on using the consistent hybrid until I could tame the big driver.

A few shots with the hybrid had me concerned; the straightness and consistency seemed to have evaporated being replaced with hooks, slices and the odd shank. It took half a dozen shots before I got back into the groove and started making clean strikes again. Just for a break I turned to the driver to let Lucky hear the loud noise it created when it is caught just right. I was stunned by the shots that resulted.

I hit six balls (they are always in batches of six – don’t know why but they have to be hit this way!) with the driver, each went straight and soared high and long down the range. It was a complete change from the last time I had been at the range and Lucky was impressed both with the noise from the driver and the shots it produced. I assumed it was a fluke so tried another six balls and hit another six good drives which brought a Cheshire Cat-like grin to my face.

My drives were going so far, so high and so straight that they started attracting the attention of other people at the range, particularly a guy in the bay next to us who was fizzing some decent shots up the field.

After one immense, arrow straight, ridiculously long drive he quipped “Who do you think you are, Tiger Woods?!” If I was Kryten from Red Dwarf I would have gone into ‘Smug Mode’.

I got talking to the guy and he was asking what driver I was using and what handicap I play off. He was amazed by how little the driver cost and the fact I haven’t got a real handicap yet (but I’m pretty confident it would be around the 28 mark). He was very complimentary about my game which made me think that I must have improved in the last year although saying that he only saw me hit a few drives I suppose.

Things were not going so well for Lucky though, he couldn’t hit a cows behind with a banjo! All his drives were slicing a ridiculous amount and his shots were not getting the customary two miles of air under them. He was struggling badly and getting more and more frustrated. I explained to him that I was exactly the same last week but it didn’t seem to make any difference although he did cheer up a bit when he beat me on the chipping challenge.

While at the range I had a bit of an epiphany when I found that I could hit the same shot over and over with my 5 iron. I was messing around trying lazy swings and found I could hit sweet shots consistently by using a three-quarter swing and concentrating on a good follow through. For the first time ever I could predict with a degree of certainty where the ball would land.

By the end of the session I was itching to play again. My driving was 100% better, my hybrid shots eventually returned to their consistent best and my iron shots were a revelation. Lucky was downbeat but I assured him that he would be miles better next time. Roll on the next session.

23 - This Is A Low...

As you may have noticed after reading the last few posts on this blog, I’m not the ray of sunshine I usually am. It would be fair to say I’m about as happy as a bulimic with no fingers. The reason is simple; I’m not getting any better at golf despite putting a lot of effort in. I practice three times a week and get to a course every couple of weeks yet I’m still utter rubbish.

If I’m being honest I think I have actually regressed. When I first started I could hit the ball far but without any real accuracy, now, after all those hours of practice, all the tips and all the help, I can’t hit it as far as I could originally and I’m just as inaccurate. A lose/lose situation I’m sure you’ll all agree.

A few weeks ago, although I was what’s know in the trade as ‘shit’ I was enjoying it. Now I’m finding it more and more difficult to motivate myself to bother any more. The driving range used to be a place where I could practice and have a bit of fun, now it is starting to feel like a torture chamber where every screwed up shot hits me like a nail in the knackers administered by a particularly sinister jailer.

The last straw came the other night when even my 5 iron refused to play ball. I went through about 40 balls without hitting one straight (the vast majority not making it past the scrub in front of the bays before the grass starts if I’m being honest). Earlier my ‘fixed’ 3 wood went on the blink as the auld slice returned and then I couldn’t chip the ball into a basket just 50 yards away with a club just designed to chip the ball just 50 yards.

Even Alan’s words of encouragement couldn’t lift me and before you could say “you’ve just wasted an hour of your life and £4 because you couldn’t hit a cows arse with a banjo let alone the ball properly” I had wasted an hour of my life and £4 because I couldn’t hit a cows arse with a banjo let alone the ball properly. It was my worse performance at Aintree by some margin.

I’m meeting Richie at the range tonight and he has promised to give me some tips. I have a sneaky plan for Friday too but if these two sessions don’t go well I might have to face the fact that golf just isn’t for me and jack it in as a bad job. This is a low.

20 - Half An Inch Can Make All The Difference...

I got sick of waiting for a break in the apocalyptic weather so it was off to the driving range…for a change. I met Alan there armed with my trusty, but misfiring 3 wood, my 5 iron (the blue eyed boy of the bag) and my all new 56* wedge. The wedge is a just cheap club I’m using to see if I can use and get any use out of it. If it does nothing for me I might draw my little roo on it and give it away in a blog based competition! Watch this space.

After a couple of practice swings I realised that the wedge felt a lot different to the Callaway clubs I’ve been mistreating over the last four weeks. The club felt heavy and rigid and at first I thought it was just because it was new and therefore hadn’t been broken in but on engaging my brain it was simply because it was a totally different design to the Callaway’s.

The expensive clubs use flexible graphite shafts and have computer designed cavity backs. The wedge is a lump of iron on a metal shaft but you get what you pay for I suppose, although initially I thought a tenner was too much. It wasn’t until I started using it like a wedge did it start to make sense. The quarter swing magic worked again with the ball flying high but close, perfect for those little shots around the green.

After a few more shots I decided to use the latest tip given. My mate Ste said that the best bit of advice he ever got was to use the ‘club putter’ shot around the green. Yeah, I didn’t have a fucking clue what he was on about either. Turns out that you get a high angled club when you want a sneaky chip and run but play it like a putter with stiff, straight arms pushing the ball onto the green. The idea is simple and, after trying it for five minutes, works a treat! I’m desperate to try it on a course.

With the wedge evaluation done I moved on to my beloved 5 iron. As usual she didn’t let me down with shot after shot going a reasonable distance and, more often than not, straight. It is weird but I’m starting to feel good about using certain clubs, before long I’m gonna turn up to play with four clubs in my bag.

Then it was on to the errant child that is the 3 wood. For weeks it has been my saviour on the tee but at Bootle the other day it was about as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican. Time and time again I sliced the shit out of my drives to the point where I was almost teeing of at right angles to the fairway. Time for another piece of advice from Ste.

I was explaining to him how shit I had become and he said he had the same problem. He fixed it by moving his left foot back about half an inch. Now to be honest, I thought this was the biggest load of shit I’d ever heard…right up to the point when it worked like a dream. What the fuck?

Another simple tip that has worked miracles. I line the club up with the ball, get my hands right, sort my feet out but before pulling the trigger I slide my left foot back about half an inch. Apparently this makes me hit the ball square on thus counteracting my hideous newbie slice. At first I thought it was a fluke until I hit about seven or eight straight and long with only two stray shots when I got tired.

I went to the range excited about my new wedge and come home thinking about my 3 wood. Sometimes I don’t get this game. I tell you what else I don’t get; the prices in club shops. How can Aintree Golf Course have the barefaced cheek to try and charge £8 for a fucking Sharpie marker pen? The fella behind the counter even delivered the line with a straight face, like £8 for a crappy pen was perfectly reasonable.

Needless to say I went elsewhere for it. At ASDA they were a pound each or four for £3. I should scrawl a strongly worded letter to them in colourful permanent ink suggesting they are taking the fucking piss.

As we were leaving the range Alan lent me a book called ‘The New Guide To Golf’ which he said would be useful for me as it goes through all the basics and should help me improve from clueless golf clown to unskilled municipal hacker. You have got to have a dream haven’t you?

11 - International Ball Chipping Legend…

Another day another trip to the driving range. I seem to spend more time there than at home which probably comes as a relief to my lovely, lovely fiancée. Armed with my 3 wood, 5 iron and 9 iron I was determined to exorcise my golfing demons and hopefully lower my frankly pathetic score.

I met Alan at the range and focused on not wasting a single ball (you all know what it is like, you hit a few then get discouraged and just go through the motions instead of doing it properly…or is that just me? It is just me, isn’t it? Fuxake).

I have a weird little drill that I go through. I hit balls in groups of six for no good reason. I’ll hit six one after another then have a break or change clubs. Thinking about it, I might do it because I can only fit five balls in my pocket at one go – maybe I need bigger kecks? Anyway, I do six at a time.

I started with my 3 wood and hit four straight, one a little wide and the last was all over the shop. Acceptable scoring. I then did six with my 5 iron but was nowhere near as successful. Out of that half dozen I hit two good ones, three shit ones and one toe-curlingly bad one. On to the 9 iron. When I went around Kirkby with Alan I consistently topped my chip shots making them fly low and long – the exact opposite of what I was looking for. I hit six stinkers on the range, a fact that didn’t go unnoticed by Alan.

Alan then showed me something so magical that it could have been thought up by Walt Disney – the quarter swing chip. You pull the club back to the sort of height of your knee then go through the ball and finish at the sort of the height of your knee. The result – a ball that goes about 20 feet in the air and fly’s about 50 yards! More witchcraft! I had been trying since becoming a golfist to do this shot but simply didn’t have the ability. Now I knew the secret there was no stopping me.

I was in awe of my chipping ability. No seriously. Chipping was by far the worst part of my game at Kirkby so to work out how to do it was a proper ‘eureka’ moment for me. I wasted no time at all chipping half of my balls away down the range. For the first time though, I had a target in the shape of a little blue basket with a net in it about 50 yards away. Alan said that if I got the ball pretty close to the basket it would mean a sinkable putt on a course but I wanted to get it IN the basket. The inevitable challenge started between Rob Skywalker and Alan-Wan Kenobi.

The two of us were chipping like loons trying to get it in but eventually the winner was…Alan. Shocker. Anyway, although I lost the game I was more than happy with my performance. I was getting the ball to within 10 feet almost every time with the odd shot plopping almost bang on. More practice and I could scale the heady heights of being shit (which is a vast improvement on where I am now – fucking useless).

I left the driving range itching to chip which is something I never thought I’d say after my round at Kirkby. Now I’m on the road to becoming an international ball chipping legend I’m definitely getting that Titleist Vokey wedge!

09 - When Richie met Lucky…

My round at Kirkby highlighted some deficiencies in my game that I desperately needed to work on. Basically my driving is shit, my long game is shit and my chipping is shit. Plenty to work on. On the plus side my putting is not that bad according to Alan, I have a nice stroke apparently but what happens in the woods stays in the woods. Ahem.

I got an email from Richie asking if I fancied a sneaky trip to the driving range at Aintree. This could be a perfect time to work on the many, many facets of my game that needed more attention than a three-year-old with ADD. It would also be the first time Richie had met Lucky.

We got in and Lucky was already smacking balls up the range with his latest pissed purchase. On a recent late night, alcohol fuelled shopping trip around eBay he spotted a Nike SUMO driver that was called ‘Lucky 13’ because it has a 13* loft (is that the right term?). The fact it was called ‘Lucky’ was enough for him to spend £140 without thinking about it. After my round he asked me did I learn anything, I told him not to bother with a driver as they are too hard to control. You can imagine his face after this nugget of information!

I introduced Lucky to Richie; we found a couple of bays together and started practicing. It wasn’t long before Richie was looking over with a confused look on his face. He was studying Lucky’s swing and shaking his head. Lucky is right-handed but plays kinda left-handed with his right hand at the top of the shaft on top of his right.

Richie couldn’t help himself and offered some words of advice to Paul. “The first thing any professional will say to you if you ask for help is put your hands the right way around. I’m nowhere near a professional and I’m telling you to put your hands the right way around!” Seconds later Paul had his hands the right way around and was instantly back where he started a week ago.

Having to literally learn how to hit the ball again was tough on Paul but with some patient tuition from Richie he was soon just as shit as me! After an hour or so Paul was hitting the ball vaguely straight and quite long. His injured shoulder was now aching from having to hit the ball properly but he was as happy which was the important thing.

I continued to practice but soon found it irritatingly difficult to control my 5 or 9 iron shots to the point where I considered lashing the clubs down the range in a scene eerily reminiscent of that son-of-a-bitch par 3 at Kirkby the week before. I took a couple of deep breaths and switched to my 3 wood…which now seemed to be possessed by someone who had a stroke and couldn’t swing properly. Fuck it, time to go home.