Arnold Palmer is the biggest crowd-pleaser since the invention of the portable sanitary facility. - Bob Hope
When John Daly hits an iron he takes a cubic yard of Kent as well. His divots go further than my drives. - David Feherty
A triple bogey is three strokes more than par, four strokes more than par is a quadruple bogey, five more than par is a quintuple, six is a sextuple, seven is a throwuple, eight is a blowuple, and nine is a ohshutuple. - Henry Beard
Golf and masturbation have at least one thing in common. Both are a lot more satisfying to do than they are to watch. - Anon
The only thing gonna stick around that hole (14th at Pebble Beach) is a dart! Yesterday I was on in three, off in four. They oughta put one of them miniature windmills on this thing and charge 50 cents to play it. - Lee Trevino
Golf, like the measles, should be caught young, for, if postponed to riper years, the results may be serious. - P. G. Wodehouse
Trousers are now allowed to be worn by ladies on the course. But they must be removed before entering the clubhouse. - Sign at an Irish golf club
(After hitting two balls into the water) By God, I've got a good mind to jump in and make it four. - Simon Hobday
Hit the ball hard and straight and not too often. - Anon
Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. - Tiger Woods
Showing posts with label John Daly. Show all posts
Showing posts with label John Daly. Show all posts
Friday, 23 July 2010
Monday, 19 July 2010
154 - Ship Ahoy!
How to ruin a golf tournament in one easy step: invite American’s to spectate. Over four days fans respectfully observed the British Open, appreciative of the difficulties facing the professionals as they battled the Old Course at St Andrews. Then the yanks pipe up.
Polite clapping is replaced by the moronic battle cry of ‘in the hole’ when Tiger Woods tees off at the 12th even though the pin is 350 yards away and he is hitting into a 30mph wind. Camilio Villegas’s tee shot was sent on its way with ‘Lets go gators’, bellowed by some dolt from across the pond.
I was so sick to death of hearing moronic screams from American’s every time Woods hit the ball that I ended up muting the TV. The over the top shouts and yelps almost ruined the whole tournament for me.
I was thrilled to see the challenge from Woods fade on the last day, not because I didn’t want the great man to be battling it out to win his third Open at St Andrews, but because I knew the coverage would be focussed elsewhere on the course away from the boorish masses from the other side of the Atlantic.
In contrast to the fans, the American players were polite and respectful throughout the tournament; even the joy vacuum that is Eldrick was humble when he was getting interviewed. Tom Watson was the consummate gentleman as ever; he is an absolute credit to the sport and his country.
The BBC cornered Stewart Cink, Ricky Barnes, John Daly, Rickie Fowler, Mark Calcavecchia and Phil Mickelson over the weekend and all expressed their honor at taking part in a special event at a special venue, they talked about how privileged they felt to be playing there. If only the fans were so restrained.
I’m all for fans cheering on their hero or compatriot but I think it should be done with a degree of respect and humility, something completely missing from the loud mouthed minority that felt the need to howl whenever an American touched the ball at St Andrews.
Polite clapping is replaced by the moronic battle cry of ‘in the hole’ when Tiger Woods tees off at the 12th even though the pin is 350 yards away and he is hitting into a 30mph wind. Camilio Villegas’s tee shot was sent on its way with ‘Lets go gators’, bellowed by some dolt from across the pond.
I was so sick to death of hearing moronic screams from American’s every time Woods hit the ball that I ended up muting the TV. The over the top shouts and yelps almost ruined the whole tournament for me.
I was thrilled to see the challenge from Woods fade on the last day, not because I didn’t want the great man to be battling it out to win his third Open at St Andrews, but because I knew the coverage would be focussed elsewhere on the course away from the boorish masses from the other side of the Atlantic.In contrast to the fans, the American players were polite and respectful throughout the tournament; even the joy vacuum that is Eldrick was humble when he was getting interviewed. Tom Watson was the consummate gentleman as ever; he is an absolute credit to the sport and his country.
The BBC cornered Stewart Cink, Ricky Barnes, John Daly, Rickie Fowler, Mark Calcavecchia and Phil Mickelson over the weekend and all expressed their honor at taking part in a special event at a special venue, they talked about how privileged they felt to be playing there. If only the fans were so restrained.
I’m all for fans cheering on their hero or compatriot but I think it should be done with a degree of respect and humility, something completely missing from the loud mouthed minority that felt the need to howl whenever an American touched the ball at St Andrews.
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
150 - Logo-A-Go Go...
Watching the Scottish Open I noticed how pro golfers are slowly but surely turning into Formula 1 cars. No, I don’t mean they are at the cutting edge of aerodynamics – a look at Darren Clarke and John Daley will confirm that – I’m talking about the way they are covered in sponsorship logos.
I read a while back that the fantastically fashion conscious Ian Poulter was told he could not participate in a competition wearing his Arsenal shirt because the O2 logo on the front of the football shirt was too big yet it seems perfectly acceptable to wear a shirt shot gunned with adverts.
The camera focused on Ross Fisher at Loch Lomond and I was taken by just how many brands he was wearing. He had Al Naboodah and Genworth Financial on the front of his shirt, Under Armour on the sleeves and Titleist, Pro V1 and the Footjoy FJ logo on his cap.
Normally I’d be appalled at this blatant commercialism but I think I can have a little fun with it. I might get some unofficial sponsorship deals in place before the end of the summer.
Who needs a behemoth of construction and investment like Al Naboodah when you can get local takeaway joint Jackymundos (where quality comes first) (left)?
Who needs a banking giant like Genworth Financial when you can have Liverpool’s very own Davy Liver Cabs (708-7080, if you need a cab just let us know, call Davy Liver cabs)?
I can almost see the sneers turning to anger when the Pringle brigade sees my Adidas Climacool shirt resplendent with Bimbo The Magic Clown (an entertainer with a difference) and a Dial A Drink logo (free nibbles with every order over £25).
I did some searching on the Internet and getting a logo on a branded shirt (Adidas, Nike or Glenmuir) will cost less than £5 which will be a bargain if it gets up the noses of the people who take the game much too seriously. I can also get fleeces, waterproofs, hats and umbrellas to completely look the part!
I read a while back that the fantastically fashion conscious Ian Poulter was told he could not participate in a competition wearing his Arsenal shirt because the O2 logo on the front of the football shirt was too big yet it seems perfectly acceptable to wear a shirt shot gunned with adverts.
The camera focused on Ross Fisher at Loch Lomond and I was taken by just how many brands he was wearing. He had Al Naboodah and Genworth Financial on the front of his shirt, Under Armour on the sleeves and Titleist, Pro V1 and the Footjoy FJ logo on his cap.
Normally I’d be appalled at this blatant commercialism but I think I can have a little fun with it. I might get some unofficial sponsorship deals in place before the end of the summer.Who needs a behemoth of construction and investment like Al Naboodah when you can get local takeaway joint Jackymundos (where quality comes first) (left)?
Who needs a banking giant like Genworth Financial when you can have Liverpool’s very own Davy Liver Cabs (708-7080, if you need a cab just let us know, call Davy Liver cabs)?
I can almost see the sneers turning to anger when the Pringle brigade sees my Adidas Climacool shirt resplendent with Bimbo The Magic Clown (an entertainer with a difference) and a Dial A Drink logo (free nibbles with every order over £25).
I did some searching on the Internet and getting a logo on a branded shirt (Adidas, Nike or Glenmuir) will cost less than £5 which will be a bargain if it gets up the noses of the people who take the game much too seriously. I can also get fleeces, waterproofs, hats and umbrellas to completely look the part!
Saturday, 5 June 2010
141 - Quote/Unquote...
The difference between a sand trap and water is the difference between a car crash and an airplane crash. You have a chance of recovering from a car crash. - Robert T. Jones
The nice things about these golf books is that they usually cancel each other out. One book tells you to keep your eye on the ball; the next says not to bother. Personally, in the crowd I play with, a better idea is to keep your eye on your partner. - Jim Murray
The number of shots taken by an opponent who is out of sight is equal to the square root of the sum of the number of curses heard plus the number of swishes. - Michael Green
On his proposed book titles - The first one is called How to Get the Most Distance out of Your Shanks and the other is How to Take the Correct Stance on Your Fourth Putt. - Lee Trevino
Of course, Nick Faldo is as neurotic as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs, and pretty much no fun...you wouldn't want him for a brother-in-law, but he won the Ryder Cup. Total Sport
There is one thing in this world that is dumber than playing golf. That is watching someone else play golf. What do you actually get to see? Thirty-seven guys in polyester slacks squinting at the sun. Doesn't that set your blood racing? - Peter Andrews
I enjoy the 'oohs' and 'aahs' from the gallery when I hit my drives. But I'm getting pretty tired of the 'aaws' and 'uhhs' when I miss the putt. - John Daly
Seve Ballesteros goes after a golf course the way a lion goes after a zebra. - Jim Murray
When Bill Clinton played golf... he wore jogging shoes, and his shirt was hanging out over painter's pants. Golf needs Clinton like it needs a case of ringworm. - Rick Reilly
The nice things about these golf books is that they usually cancel each other out. One book tells you to keep your eye on the ball; the next says not to bother. Personally, in the crowd I play with, a better idea is to keep your eye on your partner. - Jim Murray
The number of shots taken by an opponent who is out of sight is equal to the square root of the sum of the number of curses heard plus the number of swishes. - Michael Green
On his proposed book titles - The first one is called How to Get the Most Distance out of Your Shanks and the other is How to Take the Correct Stance on Your Fourth Putt. - Lee Trevino
Of course, Nick Faldo is as neurotic as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs, and pretty much no fun...you wouldn't want him for a brother-in-law, but he won the Ryder Cup. Total Sport
There is one thing in this world that is dumber than playing golf. That is watching someone else play golf. What do you actually get to see? Thirty-seven guys in polyester slacks squinting at the sun. Doesn't that set your blood racing? - Peter Andrews
I enjoy the 'oohs' and 'aahs' from the gallery when I hit my drives. But I'm getting pretty tired of the 'aaws' and 'uhhs' when I miss the putt. - John Daly
Seve Ballesteros goes after a golf course the way a lion goes after a zebra. - Jim Murray
When Bill Clinton played golf... he wore jogging shoes, and his shirt was hanging out over painter's pants. Golf needs Clinton like it needs a case of ringworm. - Rick Reilly
Friday, 14 August 2009
92 - Golf Shorts: Fines / Olympics / John Daly / Challenge Tour...
It looks like Tiger Woods will not be fined for the comments he made about the officials following his victory at the Bridgestone Invitational. On the final day of the competition Woods was paired with Padraig Harrington in a battle for victory when on the 16th hole referee John Paramor put the pair on the clock as he deemed they had fallen too far behind the pair in front of them.
Harrington managed a triple-bogey on the hole which virtually ended his challenge and Woods was convinced the Irishman rushed three difficult shots because of the actions of the referee. "I don't think that Paddy would have hit the pitch shot that way if he was able to take his time, look at it, analyse it," Woods said. "But he was on the clock, had to get up there quickly and hit it." Normally a player would be fined for speaking out against the officials like this but it looks like Eldrick has gotten away with it.
One thing Woods could get is a gold medal if the International Olympic Committee adds the sport to the 2016 Games. The IOC board will meet today in Berlin to recommend two sports to be added to the games in 7 years by which time Tiger would be 40.
Woods said: "I think golf is a truly global sport and I think it should have been in the Olympics a while ago. If it does get in, I think it would be great for golf and especially some of the other smaller countries that are now emerging in golf." Golf is expected to be one of the two sports selected with Bog Snorkelling being the other.
In an astonishing u-turn, John Daly (left) has agreed to play in Australia again despite vowing never to return. The 43-year-old has confirmed he will take part in the Australian PGA Championship in Queensland and may also play in the Australian Open in Sydney this December.
‘Long John’ Daly has a chequered history in the land down under but the majority of the public seem to love him. In 1997 he annoyed local sponsors who had paid him a large appearance fee when he shot a third round 83 then tore through his final round in just over two hours. Five years later he was disqualified and then fined at the Australian PGA after he threw his putter into a lake and stormed off the course without signing his card. Then 12 months ago he grabbed a spectator's camera and smashed it into a tree during the opening round of the Australian Open. Got to love the Daly.
And finally...
Fancy making a few quid? Why not play in the Challenge Tour’s richest event where you could scoop a share of the €400,000 prize fund? It won’t be easy though, the winner will need to tame an Arnold Palmer designed championship course as well as some of the best players in the second tier of men's professional golf in Europe. So which country is the host for this event? France? Spain? Italy? Nope, it is Borat’s homeland, Kazakhstan!
The fifth edition of the event takes place in September at the Zhailjau Golf Resort in Almaty, Kazakhstan in the shadow of the vast snowcapped Tien Shan mountain range. Director of the Challenge Tour, Alain de Soultrait said: “The Kazakhstan Open is undoubtedly one of the most important tournaments on the Challenge Tour schedule, so it is essential that we find a course capable of staging it. Any course which carries the great Arnold Palmer’s signature is sure to provide a true test.”
Harrington managed a triple-bogey on the hole which virtually ended his challenge and Woods was convinced the Irishman rushed three difficult shots because of the actions of the referee. "I don't think that Paddy would have hit the pitch shot that way if he was able to take his time, look at it, analyse it," Woods said. "But he was on the clock, had to get up there quickly and hit it." Normally a player would be fined for speaking out against the officials like this but it looks like Eldrick has gotten away with it.
One thing Woods could get is a gold medal if the International Olympic Committee adds the sport to the 2016 Games. The IOC board will meet today in Berlin to recommend two sports to be added to the games in 7 years by which time Tiger would be 40.
Woods said: "I think golf is a truly global sport and I think it should have been in the Olympics a while ago. If it does get in, I think it would be great for golf and especially some of the other smaller countries that are now emerging in golf." Golf is expected to be one of the two sports selected with Bog Snorkelling being the other.In an astonishing u-turn, John Daly (left) has agreed to play in Australia again despite vowing never to return. The 43-year-old has confirmed he will take part in the Australian PGA Championship in Queensland and may also play in the Australian Open in Sydney this December.
‘Long John’ Daly has a chequered history in the land down under but the majority of the public seem to love him. In 1997 he annoyed local sponsors who had paid him a large appearance fee when he shot a third round 83 then tore through his final round in just over two hours. Five years later he was disqualified and then fined at the Australian PGA after he threw his putter into a lake and stormed off the course without signing his card. Then 12 months ago he grabbed a spectator's camera and smashed it into a tree during the opening round of the Australian Open. Got to love the Daly.
And finally...
Fancy making a few quid? Why not play in the Challenge Tour’s richest event where you could scoop a share of the €400,000 prize fund? It won’t be easy though, the winner will need to tame an Arnold Palmer designed championship course as well as some of the best players in the second tier of men's professional golf in Europe. So which country is the host for this event? France? Spain? Italy? Nope, it is Borat’s homeland, Kazakhstan!
The fifth edition of the event takes place in September at the Zhailjau Golf Resort in Almaty, Kazakhstan in the shadow of the vast snowcapped Tien Shan mountain range. Director of the Challenge Tour, Alain de Soultrait said: “The Kazakhstan Open is undoubtedly one of the most important tournaments on the Challenge Tour schedule, so it is essential that we find a course capable of staging it. Any course which carries the great Arnold Palmer’s signature is sure to provide a true test.”
Saturday, 25 July 2009
76 - Quote/Unquote...
The fun you get from golf is in direct ratio to the effort you don't put into it - Bob Allen
"I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced." - Lee Trevino
"Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at." - Jimmy Demaret
"Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour." - Unknown
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. - Phyllis Diller
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. - Jack Benny
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs. - Henny Youngman
Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much. - Buddy Hackett
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. - Dave Barry
John Daly's driving is unbelievable. I don't go that far on my holidays. - Ian Baker-Finch
"I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced." - Lee Trevino
"Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at." - Jimmy Demaret
"Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour." - Unknown
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. - Phyllis Diller
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. - Jack Benny
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs. - Henny Youngman
Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much. - Buddy Hackett
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. - Dave Barry
John Daly's driving is unbelievable. I don't go that far on my holidays. - Ian Baker-Finch
Friday, 24 July 2009
75 - We Are The Goon Squad...
There were many sniggers and snide remarks from the pundits covering the Open at Turnberry this year when John Daly stepped onto the first tee in an outfit so loud that they probably burnt the retinas of any spectator who was unfortunate enough to glance at his legs (below). Anyone who saw the big man strutting down the fairways in his Loudmouth Golf clothes won’t forget it in a hurry.
Although his attire was a little extreme I salute Daly for not taking the dress code so seriously, I salute anyone who sticks it to the man. That is not to say I think anything can be worn on the golf course, far from it, I just think that if golf is to move away from the perception that it’s elitist and snobby there needs to be a change in attitudes from the old guard.
Ok, I get that jeans are a no no on the course but why for example, if wearing shorts, must players also wear knee length socks (a rule I saw recently at a private course)? Surely players are wearing shorts to keep cool – something that is negated with the addition of 2 foot of gleaming white terry-towlling sports socks!
I’ll admit that seeing people on municipal’s in an England shirt, tracksuit bottoms and a pair of Reebok Classics winds me up but is it the worse thing in the golfing world? (What does make me laugh about these ‘rule breakers’ is that they can’t find the cash for a pair of proper golf shoes but they will have a bag full of Ping clubs and will be firing Titleist Pro V1’s up the fairway. Hmmm…)
I agree with DJ Chris Evans who said he likes playing golf he just doesn’t like looking like a golfer. I don’t like the Lyle & Scott v-neck pullover brigade who march up and down the fairways checking everyone else out like a cranky headmaster, tutting at players wearing garish coloured polo shirts, fashionable tailored pants and designer shoes with matching bling belts. It is as if they expect players to dress like extras from 70’s sitcom Terry & June.
Big manufacturers like Nike and Adidas have made great strides in producing more fashionable golf clothes while the likes of Stromberg, Oscar Jacobson and J Lindeberg make stuff that could be worn in the coolest of bars as well as at the local track. So why should there be frowns from the Ronnie Corbett-a-likes if some young buck turns up in a pair of Ian Poulter’s Union Jack pants?
If the dress code was relaxed slightly and the attitude towards non-traditional clothes changed for the better I’m convinced more young people would be interested in joining private clubs and societies. Young men love posing and some of the premium clothing available lets them do just that as they strut up the fairway like a golfing peacocks.
To stay alive every sport needs to evolve but golf won’t move forward if the blazer and tie types put barriers in front of potential new players because of the way they dress. I think it is time for the old to embrace the new and update their attitudes. After all, golf is a great game that should be enjoyed by everyone even if they decide to turn up looking like John Daly.
Although his attire was a little extreme I salute Daly for not taking the dress code so seriously, I salute anyone who sticks it to the man. That is not to say I think anything can be worn on the golf course, far from it, I just think that if golf is to move away from the perception that it’s elitist and snobby there needs to be a change in attitudes from the old guard.
Ok, I get that jeans are a no no on the course but why for example, if wearing shorts, must players also wear knee length socks (a rule I saw recently at a private course)? Surely players are wearing shorts to keep cool – something that is negated with the addition of 2 foot of gleaming white terry-towlling sports socks!
I’ll admit that seeing people on municipal’s in an England shirt, tracksuit bottoms and a pair of Reebok Classics winds me up but is it the worse thing in the golfing world? (What does make me laugh about these ‘rule breakers’ is that they can’t find the cash for a pair of proper golf shoes but they will have a bag full of Ping clubs and will be firing Titleist Pro V1’s up the fairway. Hmmm…)I agree with DJ Chris Evans who said he likes playing golf he just doesn’t like looking like a golfer. I don’t like the Lyle & Scott v-neck pullover brigade who march up and down the fairways checking everyone else out like a cranky headmaster, tutting at players wearing garish coloured polo shirts, fashionable tailored pants and designer shoes with matching bling belts. It is as if they expect players to dress like extras from 70’s sitcom Terry & June.
Big manufacturers like Nike and Adidas have made great strides in producing more fashionable golf clothes while the likes of Stromberg, Oscar Jacobson and J Lindeberg make stuff that could be worn in the coolest of bars as well as at the local track. So why should there be frowns from the Ronnie Corbett-a-likes if some young buck turns up in a pair of Ian Poulter’s Union Jack pants?
If the dress code was relaxed slightly and the attitude towards non-traditional clothes changed for the better I’m convinced more young people would be interested in joining private clubs and societies. Young men love posing and some of the premium clothing available lets them do just that as they strut up the fairway like a golfing peacocks.
To stay alive every sport needs to evolve but golf won’t move forward if the blazer and tie types put barriers in front of potential new players because of the way they dress. I think it is time for the old to embrace the new and update their attitudes. After all, golf is a great game that should be enjoyed by everyone even if they decide to turn up looking like John Daly.
Monday, 29 September 2008
26 - Swanky Clubs, Cheap Hybrids And The RSPCA...
So, now I’m back into the game (and I’ve just been paid), I thought I would indulge in my new favourite pastime of drooling over golf porn (not the bunker babes (click here to check out what I’m talking about, it isn’t pictures of Eva Braun either, wrong sort of bunker) or the likes of Natalie Gulbis or Michelle Wie – do a search), I mean clubs ‘n shit.
I started flicking through the reviewed section of Golf Whine Monthly to see what was shiny and new and the answer was a fucking lot. Ping have got some weird aluminous green shafted monsters called Rapture V2 that look the absolute dogs bollocks. Apparently they are even good for people with high handicaps…I wonder what they are like for useless clowns like me though? Hmmm, might investigate.
Talking of clubs that are good for people with high handicaps, TaylorMade have whipped up a set of clubs called Burner Plus which are apparently “ultra, ultra forgiving”. The magazine goes on to say “Game improvers should strongly consider these new irons”. Well that is me sold! The only problem is, they are TaylorMade and I would look and even bigger bellend than I already do if I step up to the tee with a set of swanky clubs only to start hacking the shit out of the fairway/rough/bunker with them.
Anyway, that kit is off my radar until I’m good enough to be classed as shit (as opposed to fucking useless – the rating I have at the minute. I need to whip up a table showing my progress from where I started all the way up to my ultimate aim of average). I need to improve before I can justify the expenditure of a set of clubs which is why I’m experimenting with the likes of my £10 56* wedge. This brings me on to my latest purchase, a £10 Howson Comp Plus Hybrid Wood.
I’ve had a couple of cracks on the Driving Range with other people’s Hybrids and they felt good but I didn’t have enough time to practice to see if they were worth blowing cash on. I saw that little Howson on offer for just a tenner and thought it was a bit of a no-brainer buying it. When it arrives I’m going to give it a full test at the range to see if it will improve my game. Reading magazines and websites it seems these clubs are a revelation so I’m hopeful they can help me.
My golf bag has more mongrels in it than the local RSPCA dog’s home. The bulk of my bats are Callaway Steel Head irons and Big Bertha woods but there is also the Knife 56* wedge, the Howson Hybrid and the recently acquired Hippo John ‘Arthur’ Daly driver. Add to this a rogue Dunlop 6 iron that I noticed the other day and it is fair to say it is literally a mixed TaylorMade bag (which has a Nike umbrella and a Maxfli towel attached to it incidentally). I’m such a brand whore.
Richie has lectured me in the past about buying random stuff. “Will it improve your game?” is the chant from him. “Fuck that, does it look good?” is my retort. He has given up now and just tells me to buy whatever I like as he knows he will inherit it once I chuck the towel in and give up. At this rate he is going to have some utter shite in his bag!!!
I started flicking through the reviewed section of Golf Whine Monthly to see what was shiny and new and the answer was a fucking lot. Ping have got some weird aluminous green shafted monsters called Rapture V2 that look the absolute dogs bollocks. Apparently they are even good for people with high handicaps…I wonder what they are like for useless clowns like me though? Hmmm, might investigate.
Talking of clubs that are good for people with high handicaps, TaylorMade have whipped up a set of clubs called Burner Plus which are apparently “ultra, ultra forgiving”. The magazine goes on to say “Game improvers should strongly consider these new irons”. Well that is me sold! The only problem is, they are TaylorMade and I would look and even bigger bellend than I already do if I step up to the tee with a set of swanky clubs only to start hacking the shit out of the fairway/rough/bunker with them.
Anyway, that kit is off my radar until I’m good enough to be classed as shit (as opposed to fucking useless – the rating I have at the minute. I need to whip up a table showing my progress from where I started all the way up to my ultimate aim of average). I need to improve before I can justify the expenditure of a set of clubs which is why I’m experimenting with the likes of my £10 56* wedge. This brings me on to my latest purchase, a £10 Howson Comp Plus Hybrid Wood.
I’ve had a couple of cracks on the Driving Range with other people’s Hybrids and they felt good but I didn’t have enough time to practice to see if they were worth blowing cash on. I saw that little Howson on offer for just a tenner and thought it was a bit of a no-brainer buying it. When it arrives I’m going to give it a full test at the range to see if it will improve my game. Reading magazines and websites it seems these clubs are a revelation so I’m hopeful they can help me.
My golf bag has more mongrels in it than the local RSPCA dog’s home. The bulk of my bats are Callaway Steel Head irons and Big Bertha woods but there is also the Knife 56* wedge, the Howson Hybrid and the recently acquired Hippo John ‘Arthur’ Daly driver. Add to this a rogue Dunlop 6 iron that I noticed the other day and it is fair to say it is literally a mixed TaylorMade bag (which has a Nike umbrella and a Maxfli towel attached to it incidentally). I’m such a brand whore.
Richie has lectured me in the past about buying random stuff. “Will it improve your game?” is the chant from him. “Fuck that, does it look good?” is my retort. He has given up now and just tells me to buy whatever I like as he knows he will inherit it once I chuck the towel in and give up. At this rate he is going to have some utter shite in his bag!!!
Tuesday, 16 September 2008
15 - It’s All About Looking The Prat, I Mean Part…
After much searching I finally found a garment that no golfer should be without. As I type a Woodworm cotton slipover from the Ernie Els 2008 range is winging its way to me (in case you hadn’t worked it out a slipover is a sleeveless jumper). Next on my list is a pair of plus four kecks. I think it is important to look the part even if you can’t actually play the fucking game.
As expected the top is black. Black is rapidly becoming my trademark. I’m the Roy Orbison of amateur golf in the north Liverpool area only without the shades…or the quiff…or the voice…and I’m alive. I also splurged on a couple of caps which are obviously black and could, from a distance, look like a quiff I suppose thus making the Orbison comparison valid again.
On the subject of clobber, why don’t manufacturers like Adidas cater for the salad dodgers out there? If, as expected, darts becomes an Olympic sport then Adidas will be fucked when trying to kit out Phil ‘The Gut’ Taylor for the Team GB parade at the opening ceremony. What are they going to do, wrap him in a giant Union Jack and then stitch it up like a massive nappy?
Even Nike are uncharacteristically limited in their sizing considering they come from the country that invented gluttony. They can make a basketball shirt to fit one of those room sized grazers that get fork lifted onto the back of a flatbed lorry to appear on the Sally Jessy Springer show yet they can’t do a golf shirt that fits a podgy bloke from Liverpool, England.
You’d think, given that half of their target customers are so fat they have their own zip (post) code that they would do bigger sizes but no. Either that or I’m looking in the wrong place in which case I apologise unreservedly for using tired and frankly obvious stereotypes to describe the American massive.
I bet the reason Craig Stadler retired because Nike didn’t do a top to fit him. The poor sod was desperate for an XXXXXXL shirt but the fascists in Oregon simply wouldn’t make it. You don’t see much of John Daley anymore do you? He was last seen in ‘Sports American Soccer Yaaall’ looking for a pair of natty Adidas kecks to fit his bit fat arse but they only go up to 38. Cunts.
As expected the top is black. Black is rapidly becoming my trademark. I’m the Roy Orbison of amateur golf in the north Liverpool area only without the shades…or the quiff…or the voice…and I’m alive. I also splurged on a couple of caps which are obviously black and could, from a distance, look like a quiff I suppose thus making the Orbison comparison valid again.
On the subject of clobber, why don’t manufacturers like Adidas cater for the salad dodgers out there? If, as expected, darts becomes an Olympic sport then Adidas will be fucked when trying to kit out Phil ‘The Gut’ Taylor for the Team GB parade at the opening ceremony. What are they going to do, wrap him in a giant Union Jack and then stitch it up like a massive nappy?
Even Nike are uncharacteristically limited in their sizing considering they come from the country that invented gluttony. They can make a basketball shirt to fit one of those room sized grazers that get fork lifted onto the back of a flatbed lorry to appear on the Sally Jessy Springer show yet they can’t do a golf shirt that fits a podgy bloke from Liverpool, England.
You’d think, given that half of their target customers are so fat they have their own zip (post) code that they would do bigger sizes but no. Either that or I’m looking in the wrong place in which case I apologise unreservedly for using tired and frankly obvious stereotypes to describe the American massive.
I bet the reason Craig Stadler retired because Nike didn’t do a top to fit him. The poor sod was desperate for an XXXXXXL shirt but the fascists in Oregon simply wouldn’t make it. You don’t see much of John Daley anymore do you? He was last seen in ‘Sports American Soccer Yaaall’ looking for a pair of natty Adidas kecks to fit his bit fat arse but they only go up to 38. Cunts.
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