159 - Quote/Unquote...

Arnold Palmer is the biggest crowd-pleaser since the invention of the portable sanitary facility. - Bob Hope

When John Daly hits an iron he takes a cubic yard of Kent as well. His divots go further than my drives. - David Feherty

A triple bogey is three strokes more than par, four strokes more than par is a quadruple bogey, five more than par is a quintuple, six is a sextuple, seven is a throwuple, eight is a blowuple, and nine is a ohshutuple. - Henry Beard

Golf and masturbation have at least one thing in common. Both are a lot more satisfying to do than they are to watch. - Anon

The only thing gonna stick around that hole (14th at Pebble Beach) is a dart! Yesterday I was on in three, off in four. They oughta put one of them miniature windmills on this thing and charge 50 cents to play it. - Lee Trevino

Golf, like the measles, should be caught young, for, if postponed to riper years, the results may be serious. - P. G. Wodehouse

Trousers are now allowed to be worn by ladies on the course. But they must be removed before entering the clubhouse. - Sign at an Irish golf club

(After hitting two balls into the water) By God, I've got a good mind to jump in and make it four. - Simon Hobday

Hit the ball hard and straight and not too often. - Anon

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. - Tiger Woods

126 - It's Raining Again...

The Bay Hill logo is an umbrella which is very appropriate considering the weather they have been having in Florida over the last couple of days. The Arnold Palmer Invitational event should have come to a conclusion on Sunday afternoon but torrential downpours have put an end to that. Footage from the competition highlighted just how bad things were when it was difficult to differentiate the lakes from the waterlogged fairways.

The rain came at a good time for Ernie Els who looked to be cruising towards his second event win in as many outings but he hit a bogey and a double bogey on the last holes played before the heavens opened. The Big Easy looked decidedly uneasy as he limped around the back nine on his final round and was no doubt glad the weather turned to give him a chance to get his head together again.

It was satisfying to see that it isn’t just this country that has bad weather. Before the rain the players were wearing short sleeves but I never got the impression that the conditions were anything close to perfect. Then again, warm and overcast in Florida is infinitely preferable to freezing cold with horizontal rain getting drilled into your face in Merseyside.

I am supposed to be going to a local private course that my friend (and one of my golf mentors) has recently joined but the last three times I’ve arranged to go the weather has been spectacularly bad. We’ve endured heavy rain, gale force winds and the pièce de résistance, inches and inches of snow. I thought global warming was going to improve the weather not ruin it completely.

I think rain – more precisely heavy rain – is the worst type of weather to play golf in for me. The fairways become ball swallowing quagmires, the greens become mini lakes and you get soaked to the skin (unless you are rich and smug enough to buy some of that gorgeous Galvin Green clobber). It is a certainty that you are caught miles away from shelter with just a brolley for protection. Give me overcast Florida any day.

111 - Quote/Unquote...

My most common mistake at St Andrews is just turning up. - Mark James

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. - Jim Murray

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. - Henny Youngman

Southern Hills, Tulsa 5th - This hole is 614 yards. You don't need a road map for this one, you need a passport. - Jay Cronley

I only see Charley Pride when we get to the greens. Charley hits some good woods - most of them trees. - Glen Campbell

Corey Pavin is a little on the slight side. When he goes through a turnstile, nothing happens. - Jim Moriarty

I have never led the tour in money winnings, but I have many times in alcohol consumption. - Fuzzy Zoeller

I played so badly I got a get-well card from the Inland Revenue Service. - Johnny Miller

Perhaps if I dyed my hair peroxide blonde and called myself the 'Great White Tadpole' people would take more notice of me. - Ian Woosnam

I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game. It's called an eraser. - Arnold Palmer

92 - Golf Shorts: Fines / Olympics / John Daly / Challenge Tour...

It looks like Tiger Woods will not be fined for the comments he made about the officials following his victory at the Bridgestone Invitational. On the final day of the competition Woods was paired with Padraig Harrington in a battle for victory when on the 16th hole referee John Paramor put the pair on the clock as he deemed they had fallen too far behind the pair in front of them.

Harrington managed a triple-bogey on the hole which virtually ended his challenge and Woods was convinced the Irishman rushed three difficult shots because of the actions of the referee. "I don't think that Paddy would have hit the pitch shot that way if he was able to take his time, look at it, analyse it," Woods said. "But he was on the clock, had to get up there quickly and hit it." Normally a player would be fined for speaking out against the officials like this but it looks like Eldrick has gotten away with it.

One thing Woods could get is a gold medal if the International Olympic Committee adds the sport to the 2016 Games. The IOC board will meet today in Berlin to recommend two sports to be added to the games in 7 years by which time Tiger would be 40.

Woods said: "I think golf is a truly global sport and I think it should have been in the Olympics a while ago. If it does get in, I think it would be great for golf and especially some of the other smaller countries that are now emerging in golf." Golf is expected to be one of the two sports selected with Bog Snorkelling being the other.

In an astonishing u-turn, John Daly (left) has agreed to play in Australia again despite vowing never to return. The 43-year-old has confirmed he will take part in the Australian PGA Championship in Queensland and may also play in the Australian Open in Sydney this December.

‘Long John’ Daly has a chequered history in the land down under but the majority of the public seem to love him. In 1997 he annoyed local sponsors who had paid him a large appearance fee when he shot a third round 83 then tore through his final round in just over two hours. Five years later he was disqualified and then fined at the Australian PGA after he threw his putter into a lake and stormed off the course without signing his card. Then 12 months ago he grabbed a spectator's camera and smashed it into a tree during the opening round of the Australian Open. Got to love the Daly.

And finally...

Fancy making a few quid? Why not play in the Challenge Tour’s richest event where you could scoop a share of the €400,000 prize fund? It won’t be easy though, the winner will need to tame an Arnold Palmer designed championship course as well as some of the best players in the second tier of men's professional golf in Europe. So which country is the host for this event? France? Spain? Italy? Nope, it is Borat’s homeland, Kazakhstan!

The fifth edition of the event takes place in September at the Zhailjau Golf Resort in Almaty, Kazakhstan in the shadow of the vast snowcapped Tien Shan mountain range. Director of the Challenge Tour, Alain de Soultrait said: “The Kazakhstan Open is undoubtedly one of the most important tournaments on the Challenge Tour schedule, so it is essential that we find a course capable of staging it. Any course which carries the great Arnold Palmer’s signature is sure to provide a true test.”