171 - The Best A Man Can Get...

Tiger Woods is so important to golf, golf magazines, golf blogs and golf sponsors that the fact he has decided to grow a little goatee beard (below) is now news apparently. Is this how far we have sunk, chattering like housewives because he decided to sport some facial hair for the WGC Bridgestone Invitational at the Firestone CC?

I get irony, I realise that by talking about this subject not only am I continuing the cycle but I’m actively promoting the debate but come on, how is some hair on Eldrick’s chinney, chin chin news worthy? Apparently it is, apparently it is almost a big deal.

I hope that this beard is a not so subtle F.U. to Gillette who decided to “limit Woods’ role in marketing” when his extramarital manoeuvres with a gaggle of women made it into the public domain. I hope he is showing Gillette that he is limiting his use of their products by not shaving his chin!

Now that he is damaged goods why not annoy more sponsors and make a few bob? Tag Heuer are one of his main supporters but why not be filmed smashing up an Aquaracer before signing a deal with James Bond’s watchmaker of choice, Omega? Who knows, they might knock him up one with a laser range finder in it or something.

EA’s Tiger Woods games are, quite simply, fantastic but that doesn’t mean there isn’t scope for change. Why not get a load of EA produced discs and smash them off a tee in front of the world’s media then sign a deal with Nintendo to get Shigeru Miyamoto (Donkey Kong, Mario, Zelda etc) to produce a fresh, new, cartoony, puzzle laden version of the game.

Tiger’s most prominent sponsor is Nike and the partnership has been very successful but maybe it is time for a change. In the current climate I have absolutely no doubt that TaylorMade-Adidas Golf would be first to snap Woods up, shackling him to a deal so comprehensive that the 34-year-old would be contractually obliged to get three stripes tattooed down his arms.

Back in the real world we all know that there is absolutely no chance of anything like that happening. Woods will continue to smile at all the right events, wear all the right clothing and use all the right equipment. If the goatee is a tiny rebellion then the great man has gone up in my estimation but chances are he just fancied a change.

83 - Third Monday Rant - Tiger Woods 2010...

I’ve just read that the latest incarnation of EA’s Tiger Woods tailors the in game weather conditions to match those currently at the courses included in the game via the Weather Channel. Why? Why do I want to play a video game that mirrors the shitty weather outside? If I wanted to hack at a ball in something approaching a monsoon I’d just nip to the nearest municipal in the summer wearing my wellys.

Does anyone enjoy playing golf in rain with the wind howling? Maybe there are some masochists out there but who, hand on heart, would enjoy slashing their way around the Old Course at St Andrews with a 30mph wind from the North Sea dumping every drive into one of the billion B&B’s that surround the venue? Well now Tiger Woods 2010 lets you do just that from the comfort of your own living room. Pointless.

Also, you can buy the game for the Nintendo Wii bundled with a new dongle called Wii Motion Plus that plugs into the controller and increases the sensitivity of the controller so much it can detect that you have changed the angle of the club face to add things like draw/fade etc.

Again, why? The point of playing a video game is to have a bit of escapism not to replicate real world problems in front of a television. I can’t produce draw on the course so chances are I can’t on the game.

But wait, what if I practice and practice and practice until I can draw the ball at will on the game, surely I’ll be able to transfer that skill to the course as the game is so realistic? Yeah right. There is more chance of me getting a job as an oil boy at the next ‘Hollyoaks Babes’ calendar shoot (above) than that happening – and don’t call me Shirley.

Why do games producers feel the need to add crap like this? The obvious answer is that they think that more features equal a better a game but sometimes less is more. Instead of spending hundreds of hours perfecting these two new features why not include another course or two? I’d much rather play Royal Birkdale than have the life irritated out of my by digital drizzle as I slice the ball into the virtual sea.

77 - Second Monday Rant - The Arms Race…

If you look through golf magazines they give a disproportionate amount of column inches to drivers in my opinion. If for example Callaway put a new groove in the sole of their latest driver it is front-page stuff with a comment in the editors piece and a whole spread hastily assembled showing why this groove will revolutionise your game. Tosh.

I’m convinced that most of the ‘developments’ dreamt up by the equipment manufacturers make absolutely no difference whatsoever to the average muni-hacker. The only reason there is a change is to convince us mugs to part with £250 a year for a club that, on the whole, performs exactly the same as the one we already have. There are exceptions to this rule though.

Nike has recently brought out the STR8-FIT adjustable driver that can be configured eight different ways to force the ball to hook or slice (below). Not to be out done in the driver arms race, TaylorMade have released the all new R9 which has movable weights and an adjustable shaft which, like the Nike club, forces the ball to bend one way or the other from the tee.

I’m all for anything that makes golf easier but where do we draw the line? With these drivers it is possible to hit the ball straighter and further despite not actually being a better player.

Now 28ers can smash the ball 250 yards up the fairway as straight as a die after picking up the game just a few months before. Those with handicaps in the teens unwilling to spend a fortune on the new drivers will struggle to keep up off the tee.

I know that there is more to golf than driving but mastering that first shot is one of the fundamentals of the game. The new breed of adjustable clubs makes the tee shot that bit easier thus giving the advantage to people willing to shell out the sort of money usually used to buy a set of irons on just one driver. Why not go the whole hog and pay someone to hit the ball for you?

Surely it would be better to spend the £300 (the price of the STR8-FIT and R9) on lessons from a pro to help hit the ball properly rather than just go out and buy the latest technological gimmick? For that kind of cash the pro would be able to look at not only your driving but your iron shots, short game and putting too. To me that is a much better use of the cash but the problem is that we live in a society where shortcuts, workarounds and quick fixes are the norm.

Soon we won’t even play golf, we’ll simply reach for the Wii controller and hit perfect shot after perfect shot. No doubt Nike and TaylorMade will then come up with a £300 controller incorporating ‘revolutionary technology’ that will allow us to undo the last shot until we are happy. Is that really progress?