160 - The New Silver...

It seems that white is the new silver when it comes to putters. TaylorMade have produced a new family of ‘Ghost’ putters that are earning rave reviews in the golfing press and are being used to great effect by the tour pros, most noticeably Graeme McDowell and Justin Rose.

McDowell used the new putter to help him win both the Welsh Open at Celtic Manor and the US Open at Pebble Beach recently with Rose picking up his first PGA Tour win at the Memorial Tournament, which took place at the Muirfield Village Golf Club, Dublin, Ohio, USA.

The Rossa Corza Ghost (to give it its full name) is a stunning thing to behold, from its glorious white finish to its three alignment lines and innovative hole in the head it certainly stands out. Rumour is that TaylorMade have plans to extend the range to produce a Ghost for every player.

One player who obviously likes the idea of a white putter if not the design of the Corza Ghost is Sergio Garcia (right) who has had his usual putter ‘blancoed’.

The Ryder Cup star was spotted at the US Open using a white blade putter sparking rumours that TaylorMade were about to release a white Anser type wand.

According to the manufacturer that isn’t really the case. Garcia, as a TaylorMade/Adidas staff player, asked for a specially produced white version of his normal Rossa Daytona putter and the company duly obliged.

Golf Whine Monthly reviewed the Corza Ghost as part of a 42 club round up and it received a Gold Award, finishing third in the mallet section behind another of the company’s putters, the child scaringly ugly Spider Vicino and the pretty Nike Method 003 (incidentally, the TaylorMade Daytona favoured by Garcia was runner up in the blade review).

The reviewers were impressed by TMaG’s “outside the box” thinking when it came to design and who can argue? Both the Corza and the Spider Vicino are stunning looking creations that work in the real world which is what a lot of us want.

149 - Spores Not Scores...

There is a lot to like about this time of year; beautiful weather, immaculate courses, yet I’m not playing – hay fever is a cruddy little condition to have. While everyone else is out there whacking TaylorMade Penta’s up and down the fairway I’m stuck indoors with a nose that drips like a leaky tap.

I’m aching to get out there and play, I’m desperate to practice, and I can’t wait to put the things I learned from Terry a few weeks ago into practice but at the moment I’m a slave to pollen. I’ve got eyes like Marty Feldman, a nose like Rudolf the Reindeer and lungs full of spores.

It feels like I haven’t picked up a club for months (even though it is more like a few weeks) and I’m definitely starting to miss it. I’ve cut down on obsessing over equipment and clothing to help stop the cravings but every now and then I find myself thinking about lugging my bats around a field.

The only positive thing from being trapped in the house is that the British Open starts soon meaning I can spend four days watching the best players in the world pounding around the home of golf in glorious high definition.

Oh yes, St. Andrews looking as good as it gets, waiting to crush dreams.

St Andrews is the world’s oldest golf course; they have been playing there for over 600 years. It isn’t the prettiest course on the planet but there is a real pull to the strip of links on the east coast of Scotland. Sam Snead once said: “Until you play it, St. Andrews looks like the sort of real estate you couldn't give away”.

Golf Whine Monthly ran a feature recently where normal players got a chance to play the course ahead of the Open to show just how testing it is. The players were lucky as the weather was good and they still posted rubbish scores, coming away from the course battered into submission.

It is one of my ambitions to play St Andrews but not while I have got jelly eyes and a nose full of snot. I’m more than happy to watch Tiger Woods et all show me how it is done from the safety of my couch.

122 - Busy, Busy, Busy...

As I mentioned in my last post, I’m a sucker for technology and if that technology looks the part then I’m in. I was flicking through the latest issue of Golf Whine Monthly and stumbled across Nike’s new super game improver clubs and was left gawping like a fool. The new Nike Machspeed irons are either the best thing you have ever seen or an unholy disaster. Like I said, I’m a sucker...

Like previous game improver clubs from Nike, the Machspeed irons are designed to be easy to hit, forgiving and long. Having briefly used other Nike clubs from this end of the range I can confirm that they do exactly what they say on the tin. The clubs are designed to have a huge sweet spot and move the MOI lower to help fire the ball into the air with ease.

The lower end clubs are usually finished in Nike’s customary yellow and black and the new clubs continue the tradition, although you will need to have good eyesight to spot it as the back of the club is busier than Lime Street station at rush hour.

The boffins at Nike have welded what they call a ‘Powerbow system’ onto the back of the head, designed to move the MOI away from the face to help get your Srixon Z-Star air bound.

I can’t say whether it works or not, what I can say is that the Powerbow make the clubs look stunning.

The new fitting looks like the back of a Lamborghini Murcielago or something and ensures the clubs stand out a mile. Super game improver clubs are never the most subtle beasts (I’m looking at you Callaway Diablo Edge...) but the new Machspeed raises the overdesigned bar by some margin.

In a world where sleek blades are seen as the pinnacle of club aesthetics, where the ‘less is more’ philosophy is adhered to like some sort of bible the super game improver clubs are a breath of fresh air. Pure lines are replaced with bumps, lumps and bars in the pursuit of usability for the high handicappers and the Machspeed is the new King of design and performance.

119 - Shake The Fake...

I was reading an article in Golf Whine Monthly recently about the biggest counterfeiting scam in eBay history which saw thousands of fake clubs sold for millions of pounds. Initially I had a picture of a Del Boy Trotter character, a lovable rogue selling hooky gear from a shed but then it dawned on me that I should be very angry at this modern day Fagin.

I, like a lot of you out there I suspect, buy a fair bit of my golfing paraphernalia via eBay as it often throws up the best price. I don’t mind that the gear doesn’t come with a full warranty, that there is virtually zero after sales and that there is a good chance the equipment isn’t brand new. What I do mind is being ripped off by being sent fake goods knocked up in an Asian factory for a few quid when I have paid for the genuine article.

A guy called Gary Bellchambers from Rainham in Essex set up a number of eBay accounts selling the likes of Odyssey Two-Ball putters, Cleveland irons and TaylorMade R7 drivers. He would buy the fake kit from China for as little as £3 before hawking it on eBay for up to £100 (which was still a bit cheaper than the shops but not too much). The pricing was very clever as it didn’t raise suspicion with the buyer for being too cheap yet still had that delicious smell of a genuine bargain.

Over five years his team was responsible for over 96,000 golf related transactions on eBay but it all come to a juddering halt in March 2008 after a little old lady complained to Trading Standards after she didn’t get a refund on a shoddy fake she had been sent.

Normally Bellchambers would refund customers instantly to stop them escalating the complaint but in this case he was out of the country and couldn’t respond.

Trading Standards launched ‘Operation Augusta’ and raided a number of homes seizing computers and 2,500 fake clubs. Computer forensics found emails between the team with detailed lists of which customer had bought what equipment, common complaints for returned goods and how flaws in the golf gear needed to be addressed to prevent the operation being caught out.

Bellchambers was charged with the rather catchy crime of ‘conspiracy to sell or distribute golf clubs and accessories bearing signs likely to be mistaken for registered trademarks contrary to Sec 1(1) of the Criminal Law Act 1977’ and is due to be sentenced any day now. If convicted he and his co-conspirators could face up to 10 years in prison.

Golf by its very nature drives us to strive for constant improvement. The big manufacturers play on this and are relentlessly producing equipment that promises to give us tiny advantages over our fellow hackers but with money tight we are all on the lookout for a bargain. Bellchambers and his crew exploited this situation and merrily ripped off thousands. Loveable rogue? Don’t make me laugh.

117 - Five Star...

I admit it; I’m a sucker for gadgets, technology and new developments in golf. Although I do tend to whine about the manufacturers attempts to make the game of golf easier, I always skip to the new product section of Golf Whine Monthly for a quick drool at the stuff I will never buy. Flicking through the magazines recently I stumbled across something I badly want which infuriated me at the same time.

It is no secret that the golf equipment manufacturers churn out stuff each year with the sole purpose of making themselves a few quid, good luck to them I say. Occasionally the powers at be fiddle with the rules slightly giving the companies an excuse to produce a new driver with a 460cc head or a wedge with v grooves for example, but sometimes the big corporations make stuff for the sake of making stuff it seems.

Modern golf balls are broadly broken up into two categories; two piece balls that are aimed at higher handicap players who put a premium on low cost and high life span of a ball and three piece balls that are aimed at lower handicap players who demand playability and flexibility from their ball (there are also a few four piece balls that are basically the same as their three piece brethren but cost more and erm, well that is it really as far as I can tell).

But what if a two piece ball isn’t enough for you? What if a three piece ball leaves you cold? What if a four piece ball sends waves of apathy coursing through the very fibre of your being? I’ll tell you what you need in that case, a five piece ball!!!

But what kind of deranged company would come up with a ball that has almost as many layers as an onion? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you TaylorMade.

The ‘number one name in drivers’ is hoping to challenge Titleist to become the ‘number one name in golf balls’ with the release of its Penta TP five piece ball (above). Sergio Garcia, Retief Goosen, Y.E. Yang, Justin Rose and Jason Day are all set to use it on tour this season but TaylorMade are confident that the ball will be a big hit because the multi layer technology makes it the ideal choice for every level of golfer.

So how does it work? Well the new hazard finding missile from TaylorMade has a core designed to promote high launch speeds and low spin for distance off the tee, an inner mantle which does something similar for long irons, a middle mantel to help promote a mid launch trajectory for mid irons, a outer mantel designed to stop the ball spinning back too much when using scoring irons and a cover designed to give ultimate control. Phew.

So what does all that mean? In theory TaylorMade have produced a ball for golfers of all ability that is effective at all ranges with all clubs. If it works in practice then the Penta TP could be the most significant development in golf ball design since Titleist unleashed the all conquering Pro V1 on the golfing world. Or it could be just another golf ball at the end of the day...

109 - Consistently Consistent...

I can now confirm that my new found golfing powers were not through some ‘the stars were in alignment’ fluke but are down to practice, hard work and technique. That’s right boys and girls, I said technique! I have finally managed to work out how to hit a ball straight and long. It has only taken me 12 months, and it is restricted to my irons, but it is true.

I visited the driving range last night eager to see if I could replicate the shots I was finding at the weekend and I’m pleased to say that I could. Both my 5 iron and 7 iron shots went, on the whole, straight and true and for the first time ever I could see the difference in the flight of the ball using different clubs which genuinely excited me.

People who can play may scoff at my joy at seeing shots from the 5 iron flying lower and further than those from the 7 iron but when you can’t hit the ball consistently things like that are just something you read about in Golf Whine Monthly. All the hints and tips about course management like suggesting hitting a more penetrating shot with a longer iron to stay below the worst of the wind etc is a viable option if you hit the ball consistently. For the first time ever, I have that option.

I met Lucky at the range and showed him the new set up technique I had been using to see if it worked for him. Initially it made no difference whatsoever but not long after he was pinging the crappy yellow range balls high and straight into the noticeably cooler feeling night air. I’m not sure if it was my expert tuition or just that he was in the groove but he was firing them well.

As we were both hitting the irons well we had our first game of the yellow basket challenge in months. The idea of the game is simple; get a ball in the yellow net about 150 yards away in as few shots as possible. Sally Gunnell’s are allowed (ugly runners) and the winner is the first person to find the target in 12 balls or less. To cut a long story short I managed to find the net after about 6 balls with all my other shots peppering the target nicely. Proof of improvement.

As always, I didn’t just bring my gorgeous irons. Against my better judgement I decided to give my MX-560 driver another chance. I’ll admit I was slightly better with the big dawg than usual but still nowhere near as consistent as I would like to be, a fact highlighted when I borrowed Lucky’s Nike SQ Sumo² 3 wood (above) and hit shot after satisfying shot long and straight into the still night sky. Lesson learned, I’m sticking with my F-60 3 wood for the time being.

Before we left I let Lucky try my MP-57’s while I had a little knock with his SQ Sumo Irons. The difference in the clubs was quite marked. My clubs felt heavier and more solid but his were easier to hit. One thing we both commented on was that when the ball was hit sweetly both clubs felt fantastic which is exactly what we are both aiming for. Who knows, with a bit more practice all our shots could feel like that.

107 - Down And Dirty...

The one regular visitor to this little corner of the internet may have noticed there has been a lack of updates over the last couple of weeks. The reason for the lack of content is down to the fact that I haven’t actually done anything golf related. There was no playing, practicing, buying or even obsessing via the internet and Golf Whine Monthly. It has all gone quiet over here.

I had big plans to play a round last week but I did something to my neck and couldn’t move it properly which scuppered that, although in hindsight having an injury which forces my head to keep completely still could have helped my game I reckon – there is nothing worse than topping the ball because you are looking to see where it has gone before you have actually hit it!

Looks like the round will have to wait until later this week. To be honest, I need to get the driving range before I even attempt to tee off on the local track as I haven’t swung the wrenches in weeks (not that I was any good in the first place you understand but not practicing the limited skills you do have does tend to add insult to injury). It is official; a brief refresher in the subtle art of slicing the ball is in order.

Like I said in a previous post, I’m determined to enjoy this round even if it kills me (I know, I know, that is a massive contradiction). I’m not going to bother about shooting a particular score I’m just going to get out there in the fresh air and whack a load of Srixon’s up and down a moderately manicured field on the outskirts of the town with the intention of having a laugh. If I manage to hit the odd good shot or fluke an occasional par it’ll be a bonus.

I was talking to Lucky (my partner in crimes against good golf) and we were laughing about how much money we have spent on golfing equipment and how little time we have actually spent using it. We estimated that we have spent around £1,500 between us on clubs, woods, wedges, bags, trolleys, shoes and clothing yet we have played about 10 times. It doesn’t matter how you dress it up, that is a massive waste of money.

No, we need to get out there and start losing balls, getting soaked through to the bone and getting our pristine (and in the case of my Mizuno’s, gorgeous) clubs covered in mud, sand and water. That may sound a little weird to people who don’t play but it makes perfect sense to me now.

102 - Groove Is In The Heart...

So the powers at be who ruin, sorry run golf have concluded that the professionals are receiving too much help from the club manufacturers and have decided to outlaw the use of ‘u’ grooves on clubs – the miserable sods. Now that the spin police are on their backs the big companies are trying everything they can to provide the same amount of control without falling foul of the latest rules.

For those of you who don’t know, the ‘u’ referred to describes the shape of the groove on the face of your wedges if you examined them carefully. In the old days grooves where cut in a ‘v’ shape which made the ball spin nicely but the introduction of the new shape enabled professionals to control the ball a lot more which, according to the powers at be, is making it too easy for them.

Because the ‘u’ grooves are wider at the bottom than the ‘v’ type any water/sand/soil that gets picked up as the club hits the ball has less effect on your Bridgestone Tour B330, allowing it to spin more. This additional spin equals additional control for professionals – something the governing bodies don’t like this one bit, they seemingly don’t want to see the players producing amazing shots around the green, delighting the crowds and TV audiences...

With the restrictions scheduled to be put in place in the next few years the club manufacturers are already on the case trying to find a way around the restrictions.

Mizuno have announced that their new range of chippers have something called ‘quad cut grooves’ which conform to the new regulations already while still giving professionals the maximum performance. Mizuno are stickin’ it to the man!

The Japanese club wizards are proud to let everyone know how much work they have done to produce these lovely little grooves. As the name suggests the channels are made using four separate cuts to produce grooves that conform to the new rules while still allowing decent players to manipulate the ball any which way they want. No doubt the law makers will be harrumphing at Mizuno’s efforts and meeting to move the goalposts again next year.

All this engineering excellence is fine but the most important point about the new wedges is their looks! The picture above shows the new wedges in all their splendour. It is fair to say that the RAW Black Satin finish is trouser tighteningly good and the MP-T10 is, in my opinion, now the best looking wedge on the market along with the Oil Can Titleist Vokey (which the definition of golf porn!)

So the battle between the governing bodies and the club manufacturers enters a new chapter. The rule makers want the players to use skill not technology to win tournaments, the players are demanding increased performance from their equipment and the manufactures are using all their guile to keep one step ahead of the regulations. While all this is happening I’m still chipping the ball clean over the green regardless of what I use.

101 - Sixth Monday Rant - Catch 22...

When I started playing golf last year I was pretty confident that I would be reasonably good at it quite quickly as I used to knock a ball up and down a field with a rusty, leather gripped 4 iron with ease when I was a kid and I’m quite good at anything I put my mind to usually. I’m annoyed to find that isn’t as easy as I thought.

Despite spending hours and hours at the driving range I have failed miserably to achieve the simple goal of hitting the same shot twice in one session. I’m not saying I haven’t improved its just that I haven’t improved enough which in turn saps the motivation out of me and if I’ve not motivated I have a habit of throwing the towel in rather than to stick at it.

The obvious answer is for me to get some lessons or pester the life out of my friends until they agree to help me over this hump. The thing is, I hate being rubbish at anything, let alone something as frustrating as golf, and it makes me want to walk away in a sulk. I’m never going to do it, I’ve spent too much on golf porn and I’ve got a subscription to Golf Whine Monthly to think about!

No, I need to dig in and get on with it but I simply can’t find the motivation to do it. I’ve got a gaggle of friends slavering to help my yet the spark has seemingly gone – frustration has won. This may sound sad to some of the more eager players out there but I’m seriously struggling to be bothered with golf right now.

I explained to my good friend Richie that I have never enjoyed a round of golf. He vowed to drag me around a course and MAKE me enjoy it – yeah, didn’t make sense to me either! I think if I got to a level where I was hitting half of the fairways from the tee, finding the odd green with my long irons or just two putting then I would have a different outlook but right now I feel a million miles away from that.

Maybe Richie is on to something; maybe the problem is that I’m looking at the game the wrong way around. I’m focussing so much on getting better that I can’t enjoy the game but if I went out there and just played for enjoyment I’d almost certainly improve because I was playing more often. I think I’ve just had an epiphany!!!

Right, that is it, I’m going to take an afternoon off this week, drag my carcass to the local municipal and try my best to have a laugh as I whack my ball from rough to bunker to woods. Who cares what my score is? Who cares how many balls I lose? The important thing is that I WILL enjoy it. And like that my motivation is back…I’m so fickle!

70 - Here We Go Again...

Right, so what have I been up to over the last few months? Not a lot to be honest. I’ve been reading golf magazines, buying golf books, watching golf in glorious HD-o-vision and buying the odd product from the ever increasingly competitive online stores (I’m looking at you onlinegolf.co.uk). You may have noticed I haven’t actually mentioned playing golf, this wasn’t an accidental omission; I haven’t swung a wrench in months.

I’ve decided to make a conscious effort to return to the driving range to work on my basics, as I know I’ll be rustier than the face of a well-used Oil Can Vokey. One of the many magazines I obsess over had a three-part supplement set designed to help get your score down focussing on the fundamental elements of golf – things like ensuring you have the correct grip etc and I’m going to work through them methodically.

Once I learn how to actually hit a ball again with my driver and irons I’m getting on field with Terry and Richie and I’m going to learn how to chip properly (I find it difficult to practice chipping on the mats at the driving range – end up with my fillings coming out after each juddering impact). When I get a bit more comfortable with chipping I’m getting down to my local municipal and hitting the course hard. I know I have said this before but I’m determined to do it this time.

I want a new set of clubs but I’m not buying them until I can use the set I’ve got now. I have got the cash there, ready to splash and I might make the trip to the driving range at Fiddlers Ferry as the guy at the pro shop there offered me a decent deal on the clubs I was after the last time I spoke to him (January) so I might see what he can do for me now that the economy is on its knees and no-one is spending any money.

Last time he offered me a free wedge but I had already bought myself one, then he tried to tempt me with money off a gorgeous Bettinardi putter but I’ve since sorted myself out with one of those too (more news on this later) so he’ll have to think of something else out, a bag possibly?

Right, so that is my plan. I’m going to try to stick to it as I’ve got most of the gear but no idea. I desperately want to be better at this game but I don’t progress quickly enough which means I get disheartened and give up. I thought golf was supposed to be a relaxing sport; it just stresses me out most of the time!!!

68 - Back For Good...

I have been a bad parent to both golf and my little blog, I’ve neglected them terribly over the last few months and it is unforgivable. My lack of attention is so bad that I’m terrified that the Social Services are going to kick my door in and put my clubs and laptop with foster parents…or summat. Anyway, I’m going to make a fresh start, I promise.

The first thing the two regular visitors to this little corner of the web will notice are the new website address (RAIG – Rob’s Adventure In Golf, geddit?) and the Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen make over the place has had (it is amazing what you can do with a bit of MDF and some rag rolling). Many thanks to Tommy at Tangent12.co.uk for all his hard work.

The old site was very, well, grey wasn’t it? I hope you like the new colour scheme, I felt that it was important that my blog at least looks like it has something to do with golf as the last incarnation of this blog had a whiff of a recruitment site for Hitler’s SS (see below). Plenty of greens, browns and sandy hues now – very Earthy, hopefully a bit more appropriate.

I’m going to try and improve the content too with more on topic posts and reductions in swear words. When I started this little blog it was for me so I didn’t care if it offended people who stumbled across it but on reflection this may have been a little naïve as my potty mouth might put off visitors from returning in the future. From now on there will be less cussing.

I’ve also decided to introduce some regular features for fun. There are a lot of things that irritate me about golf; some serious, some not quite as serious and some just plain silly and I’ve decided to vent about them on this little corner of the web in the Monday Rant. If I write anything half decent I’m going to send them to Golf Whine Monthly to try and win a wedge or something.

Instead of the blog being all about me, me, ME all the time I’ll try and comment about other things happening in the world of golf too, maybe in some sort of weekly round up with a bit of spin (see what I did there?) Ahem. I might try and work on my jokes too.

You can help too by emailing the address of this website to 200 of your closest friends to spread the word. Also, on the right under the heading of ‘blogcatalog’ there is a little drop down box where you can rate this site. Why not, erm, rate this site?!

So, with the website looking better and my appetite for the game restored I’m excited to welcome you back into Rob’s World…I hope you enjoy your stay!!!

41 - Pretty Coloured Holes and Gemma Atkinson…

I’ve been away, did you miss me? No? Bastards! I’ve been on a training course to learn how to ‘Maintain and Administer a Windows 2003 Server Environment’ – it was as interesting as it sounds – so I haven’t had much time to play golf. Actually, I have had NO time to play golf. I have had a chance to read Golf Whine Monthly though which is turning me on more and more.

From the looks of things the new equipment for next year is released in the autumn meaning the magazines are filled with obscenely attractive woods, shiny new clubs, pornographic wedges, alien looking putters and funky arsed bags. Some of the pages of my magazines are stuck together…but I don’t really want to go into that right now.

Golf clubs look good in my opinion. I like the shape of simple blade clubs, the minimalist design and the focus on the materials. Tell you what though, cavity backed clubs are the fucking shit! Have you seen some of the stuff coming out? The fact that there is a gaping wound in the back of the club seems to inspire the designers to go mad…or to just fill them with pretty colours to hoike in the morons. Hmmm…

Needless to say, just about every manufacturer has a new set of woods, irons, putters and wedges for 2009. All look fantastic but some more fantastic than others. By now you lot must know that I can’t go a whole article about equipment without talking about the Titleist Vokey wedges.

I have dark thoughts when I think of the Vokey; I want them more than Gemma Atkinson (right - feel free to click on the image for a better look) oiled up wearing nothing but a smile! Actually that is bollocks.

I need a cold shower…and a 56* Titleist Vokey with the oil can finish. If everyone who read this blog gave me £1 it would go some way towards me buying one. Unfortunately, seeing as there are only about five of you out there reading it, it would be a very short way. Never mind, I can see a Christmas present to myself coming up.

Anyway, not only does the Vokey look the absolute business, it is also the best wedge you can buy according to Golf Whine Monthly. In a recent group test with five other wedges from the likes of Callaway and TaylorMade it stood head and shoulders above the competition to receive one of the highest marks ever given. Due to the extra choice of shaft stiffness it has gone from one of the very best to THE very best.

See, and you lot thought I wanted one because it has a cool bronze finish which wears away until the club starts rusting to give it a battered ‘junk yard dog’ look. Ooops, I think I need another cold shower…

39 - Thouroughly Entertained For a Change...

The latest copy of Golf Whine Monthly found its way into my possession the other day and for the first time ever it thoroughly entertained me. Is this a sign that I’m now getting into golf enough to understand everything they are banging on about? Does it show that I’m eager to learn about what is happening in the world of golf? Or could it be that there is a new Titleist Vokey wedge out and they had pictures of it? You decide…

This year’s Vokey wedges come with three new shaft stiffness’s giving the range increased variety and making them more accessible to players of varying ability. The faces of the club are still ‘spin milled’ meaning the ball rotates faster than if struck with an average wedge which, in theory, gives the player more control.

But fuck all that, they still do the little beauty with an ‘Oil Can’ finish. I swear I get a semi on just thinking about the bronzed little minx! Interestingly they still do it boring arsed ‘Tour Chrome’ but now it also comes in pornographic ‘Black Nickel’. Oooh, it is almost as nice as the junkyard dog…I think I want one of both.

On the subject of new clubs there was an interesting letter from some clown who is as bad as me asking should he stick with the auld clubs he inherited a few years ago or invest in some new bats. The answer was simple; new ‘game-improvement’ clubs will provide more forgiveness and playability and help reduce handicaps. I’m sold.

Not only do the good people at Golf Whine Monthly say I need some shiny new clubs they also give a list of the best ones to buy. They reckon the Wilson Di9’s or the Mizuno MX-100’s (pictured above) are great and are available for under £400 which is a definite plus. They also mention some clubs I have already talked about on this blog; the TaylorMade Burner Plus and Ping’s Rapture V2 but they are crazy expensive.

In summary; the Wilson’s look cheap, the Mizuno’s look great (and have a blue highlight to them - nice), the TaylorMade’s look too up their own arse and the Ping’s look fucking awesome. At this moment the Mizuno’s seem a pretty good bet, especially as they are just £50 a club (this compares well when put up against the Ping’s which are over a ton a bat)! I can either buy a full set of the Mizuno’s or half a set of the Ping’s. Decisions, decisions…

Finally, there was a reply to the crying cunt who travelled all the way to Portugal to play on some swanky course but was pissed off because there were villas lining some of the holes. He said it made the place look like a posh housing estate but a couple of residents wrote in to call him a whining bastard. To be honest I agree with them. Like I said at the time, just get on with spanking the piss out of the ball and enjoy yourself for fuxake.

07 - Slaughter on the Dancefloor...

With Richie’s words of wisdom ringing in my ears and about 400 balls smashed away down the driving range I decided it was time to take the next step – play a round. I contacted Alan and he said he could finish work at 3 on Thursday so why don’t we just book a round and get on with it. I like his spunk – in a non sexual way you understand, I mean in a get-up-and-go kinda way.

I phoned Kirkby Golf Course and booked a tee time. We were to go to war on the green battlefield at 3:15. When I say war it was no doubt going to be a slaughter as Alan can play and I can only just manage to keep my shots within the confines of a driving range that is literally half a mile wide.

I turned up early and got all my shiny equipment out and ready to use. I looked like a complete blert to be honest with my gleaming shoes, pristine kecks, polo shirt and Callaway cap. Even my clubs were sparkling. I read in Golf Whine Monthly that a dirty club face can ruin your shots and seeing as I was useless to begin with I didn’t need anything else hindering me. I spent two hours the night before with a golf tee scraping shite out of the grooves.

I wanted to get away from the clubhouse as quickly as possible as I couldn’t relax so it was a knap that my tee shot flew 30 feet to the right and into some trees. I put another ball down, closed my eyes and spanked the piss out of it. Predictably I sliced it but was happy as it went about 150 yards and got me away from the sniggers. Alan was full of encouragement which helped but there was no escaping the fact that I was just fucking awful.

After a crap second shot I hit a peach of a 5 iron to get on the green in three which was ok. I eventually sank my putt and got a six on a par 4 which was great in my book. Before starting Alan said I should give myself a target of two shots per hole as I hadn’t played before (so a par 4 is a par 6 to me etc). So far I was on target for a shit, but acceptable, score.

The next few holes flew by…well, flew from rough to bunker to woods with the net result being one seriously pissed of new golfist. Why is this stupid game so bastard hard? HOW can it be so bastard hard? All you have to do is hit a ball up a field. Oh, and if I play another son-of-a-bitch par 3 in my life it will be too soon. I’m no expert but 9 shots on a hole that is only 160 yards isn’t good.

That par 3 was the low point in my golf life. I was just about to throw my sand wedge into the River Alt when Alan gave me a stern “don’t”. I half jokingly said I give up and was going home when Alan hit me with some Zen like words of wisdom. He basically said that if I give up now I might as well not bother anymore as I’d just be a loser like the whining bastards he has played with in the past. They have never felt what it is like to win and are happy to be losers. I didn’t wanna be a loser!!!

Alan said I should forget what has gone before and focus on my next shot. Make my next shot be the best of the day. Guess what? My next shot was shit. Bastard. A few shots later though I hit another peach of a 5 iron onto the green to get my second par of the day! Oh yeah, I got a par earlier in the round, forgot to mention.

To be honest, with the exception of my aberration on the par 3, I was starting to get into it and my scores were coming down. After the first nine I was looking at scoring something like 140 but after the back nine it was down to 119. If I’d have doubled my back nine score I would have got 92 which is pretty good considering I didn’t actually know what I was doing.

I traipsed off the 18th and slumped on a bench by the clubhouse. I was shattered. Thing is, I wasn’t fed up or disheartened; I was literally just physically shattered. It has been mentioned that the average golfer walks around 6 miles per round. With all my forays into the wilderness I reckon I zigzagged around 8 miles all in. My back, thighs and shoulders were stiffer than a Saudi jail sentence by the time I got home.

That night I ended up thinking about shots I had played earlier that day. Trying to break down where I had gone wrong, trying to fix my mistakes. I think I have the golf bug.

06 - Golf Whine Monthly...

Now that I can effectively hit the ball in the general direction I want it I was eager to start playing but first I had to obsess about the game some more. There is an easy way to obsess quickly – I entered the world of magazines (not THOSE magazines, golf magazines).

I tried two to start with, Today’s Golfer and Golf Punk. Today’s Golfer is exactly what I was expecting in that it was quite serious and focused on helping you lower your handicap and all that shit. It has product reviews, player interviews and workshops – all good stuff no doubt. Golf Punk is Nuts Magazine with putters. Nice. Both were ok, nothing that made me think I should subscribe and receive some implausibly shite gift or anything though.

One thing I did notice was that the reader’s letters were so dreary. “I paid 150 Euros to play on a top course in Portugal and when I got there the fairways were lined with villas. It was like playing in an expensive housing estate. Blah blah blah.” So fucking what? Just smack the balls up the field sink the little bastard and move on, don’t whine like a bitch about it in the hope of winning a wedge.

I’m seriously considering writing to the magazines to see if I can inject some humour and wit into the letters page [insert your own joke here]. If I’m being honest I think I would have to tone down the language, stop the aimless rambling about shops and thongs and have something interesting to say. Hmmm, maybe I’ll give it a miss.

On the subject of wedges, is there really THAT much difference between the six million that get reviewed in the magazines each month? In all honesty, how can one be significantly better than the other and therefore justify being significantly more expensive? It isn’t just wedges though. Why is it that Ping stuff cost so much? How much better can Titleist Pro V1 balls be to a cack handed moron like me? Are Footjoy shoes really as comfortable as carpet slippers? Will wearing Tiger Woods’ Nike gear get me a harem of horny ‘bunker babes’?

Ok, if I buy Ping clubs, Taylor Made Woods, Callaway wedges and use Titleist balls will I suddenly be a better player or is it all a big swiz? The fact that I’m using expensive Callaway clubs yet couldn’t hit a cows arse with a banjo says it all I think. Fuck it, I’m only buying stuff that looks good from now on, starting with the Titleist Vokey wedge (above) because you can buy it with something called an ‘oil can finish’ which is like a rusty brown but looks boss…unless I win a wedge with my ‘hilarious’ letter to Golf Whine Monthly.