155 - Louis The 16th…

All hail Louis the sixteenth! Actually he is Louis Oosthuizen and he finished sixteen under but that doesn’t sound as good, does it? The little known South African came to St Andrews and blew the rest of the field away with a fine display over the four days.

Oosthuizen shot rounds of 65, 67, 69 and 71 to take the title finishing 7 shots ahead of Lee Westwood in second. He got lucky on the second day when he got a good round in before the weather turned forcing the tournament to be suspended for a short time.

2010 Andalucia Open champion kept his nerve on the final round to ease to a drama free victory “It was unbelievable, said Oosthuizen. “After the 12th it became a bit difficult, having such a big lead, to stay calm and focused, but I’m glad I had an eight-shot lead on the 17th tee!

“I kept cool and calm the whole way but it's probably going to hit me tomorrow or next week what I’ve done.”

The contest was effectively over when the 27-year-old rolled in a 40-foot putt for an eagle on the par four 9th, just as playing partner Paul Casey was starting to apply some pressure.

Before his victory at St Andrews, Oosthuizen had struggled in his previous outings in the Open; in fact he had not made the cut in his last three attempts.

Oosthuizen is the latest South African major champions following Bobby Locke, who won at St Andrews in 1957, Gary Player, who won three Opens in three different decades, three-time major winner Ernie Els, double US Open champion Retief Goosen and 2008 Masters victor Trevor Immelman.

151 - Parkland Perfection...

Loch Lomond was the setting for the Scottish Open last weekend and what a setting? Anyone who has spent time in that part of the world will tell you just how beautiful it is and the Loch Lomond Golf Club looked magnificent, even in the occasional squall that raced across the course.

From the pristine fairways to the challenging greens the course was inviting the players to attack it while the magnificent parkland setting in the shadow of the Scottish Highlands was an absolute dream for the BBC production team covering the event. From just about any angle the place looked perfect.

The hardy crowds watched politely and respectfully as the players battled the against the changing weather conditions in what turned out to be an intriguing tournament. The course played differently each day as the wind changed direction making every hole a new challenge.

There were oohs and ahhs as Darren Clarke and Edoardo Mollinari jousted for the lead as the likes of Phil Mickelson, Ernie Els and YE Yang fell by the wayside, unable to cope with the challenge LLGC provided – not the ideal preparation they no doubt hoped for ahead of the British Open at St Andrews.

Eventually Mollinari took the title with a three shot lead over likable Clarke who can take some comfort in knowing his performance earned him a place at the British Open this weekend.

Although golf originally started with links courses I much prefer parkland and LLGC is one of the very best out there, to me it is an example of my perfect golf course. Tree lined fairways hugging the shores of a loch with deep bunkers protecting the greens and rough that is actually rough.

If I had a decent lottery win I would scour Scotland for a large piece of loch side real estate (preferably with an imposing Georgian manor house in situ) and draft in a designer who can create my own piece of perfection. It may need to be a Euro Lottery win come to think of it.

126 - It's Raining Again...

The Bay Hill logo is an umbrella which is very appropriate considering the weather they have been having in Florida over the last couple of days. The Arnold Palmer Invitational event should have come to a conclusion on Sunday afternoon but torrential downpours have put an end to that. Footage from the competition highlighted just how bad things were when it was difficult to differentiate the lakes from the waterlogged fairways.

The rain came at a good time for Ernie Els who looked to be cruising towards his second event win in as many outings but he hit a bogey and a double bogey on the last holes played before the heavens opened. The Big Easy looked decidedly uneasy as he limped around the back nine on his final round and was no doubt glad the weather turned to give him a chance to get his head together again.

It was satisfying to see that it isn’t just this country that has bad weather. Before the rain the players were wearing short sleeves but I never got the impression that the conditions were anything close to perfect. Then again, warm and overcast in Florida is infinitely preferable to freezing cold with horizontal rain getting drilled into your face in Merseyside.

I am supposed to be going to a local private course that my friend (and one of my golf mentors) has recently joined but the last three times I’ve arranged to go the weather has been spectacularly bad. We’ve endured heavy rain, gale force winds and the pièce de résistance, inches and inches of snow. I thought global warming was going to improve the weather not ruin it completely.

I think rain – more precisely heavy rain – is the worst type of weather to play golf in for me. The fairways become ball swallowing quagmires, the greens become mini lakes and you get soaked to the skin (unless you are rich and smug enough to buy some of that gorgeous Galvin Green clobber). It is a certainty that you are caught miles away from shelter with just a brolley for protection. Give me overcast Florida any day.

110 - Golf Shorts: Ernie Els / Monty Plots / Solar Power / Michael Jordan...

Ernie Els will be recognised for his work promoting golf and South Africa when he is honoured through a series of tournaments in his name. The 2010 Vodacom Business Origins of Golf Tour is part of Southern Africa’s Sunshine Tour and one of the themes will be Ernie Els. The competition is a six-tournament series of pro-am tournaments, with entry being strictly invitation only.

Each year the Sunshine Tour honours icons of the game and has in the past paid tribute to the likes of Ben Hogan and Gary Player. Next year it is Els who will be a fitting star as he is a triple Major Champion, former world number one, and seven-time World Match Play champion.

Els said “It’s an incredible honour for me that my achievements in the game are going to be recognised in this way. I’ve spent most of my life flying the South African flag on fairways around the world, and I’ve always competed to the best of my ability as a proud South African sportsman. It’s very satisfying to know that this is going to be recognised in a series such as the Vodacom Business Origins of Golf Tour.”

The six tournaments will, where possible, be played on Ernie Els-designed golf courses or courses suggested by him, and will also help to raise funds for the Els for Autism initiative. Last year Vodacom Business Origins of Golf Tour raised £250,000 for various children’s charities through its Birdies for Kiddies campaign where the Vodacom Foundation donated £40 for every birdie made by a professional on the series.

The 2009 Vodacom Business Origins of Golf Tour already made a significant contribution to charity through its Birdies for Kiddies campaign, whereby the Vodacom Foundation donated R500 to various children’s charities for every birdie made by a professional on the series. In 2009, over R3-million was raised for this campaign.

It looks like Ryder Cup captain Colin Montgomerie is trying every trick in the book to ensure victory for the Europeans in next year’s competition at Celtic Manor. The man cruelly dubbed Mrs Doubtfire is hoping fellow Scot Sir Alex Ferguson will teach him how to handle a dressing room full of superstars.

"I want to arrange a meeting with Sir Alex - I want to pick his brains,” said Montgomerie. "He is the best man-manager and gets the best out of players. Being Scottish, he still has drive and ambition.

"I would like to learn how to get the best out of the players. Not necessarily when it is going well, it is easy then. But when we might come in down after the first day, that is when it is most important."

Expect to see Montgomerie kicking shoes at Serigio Garcia, screaming at the match officials while furiously pointing at his watch and turning up late for the first round after being stopped by the police for driving up the hard shoulder and telling them he had no choice as he was literally shitting himself. I for one cannot wait.

I like to have a moan on this blog about the latest and greatest technological gadget but for one I have found one I don’t mind giving some praise to. Sebonack Golf Club in Long Island has become the first U.S. golf course to implement solar technology for golf carts. 39 of its 40 carts have been fitted with solar panels designed and engineered by Danish company SolarDrive.

It is estimated that the solar panels save $4 per day per cart in electricity costs and while this may not sound a great deal, extended over the life of the cart the savings start to rack up. It isn’t just the $160 per day savings that are important to the course owner Michael Pascucci, it is estimated it will reduce Sebonack’s consumption from the electric grid by 50 to 75 percent.

Pascucci explains: “Power costs are very expensive on Long Island, we’re saving minimum two-thirds on the amount of electricity [being used]. Why not take advantage of the free solar power we have on Earth? I don’t know why everybody isn’t doing this.”

The panels are retro-fitted onto the golf cart and once out in the sun can be fully charged within an hour and easily go 18 or more holes. A sensor underneath the roof provides instant feedback on the amount of solar energy the panels are receiving. If it’s a sunny day, the cart constantly charges even while being used. But even on a cloudy day, a fully charged cart will have enough energy to go one full round.

“You can’t miss with these carts,” continued Pascucci. “It’s a really positive thing for our members and their guests to see that they’re riding around on the sun’s power and reducing their carbon footprint. The bottom line is…it was the right thing to do.”

And finally...

Basketball legend Michael Jordan has landed himself in trouble with the PGA after being snapped puffing on a cigar at Harding Park Golf Course this week. The picture appeared in the San Francisco Examiner and city officials asked the PGA to remind the basketball star that there is no smoking allowed on public golf course, including Harding Park.

"I've already sent off an email to the PGA Tour director," city recreation and park general manager Phil Ginsburg told the Examiner. "It was sort of a gentle nudge reminding them that smoking is illegal and that we would appreciate their support."

Jordan could face a $100 fine if he is caught smoking on the course again. This will be a major concern for the man whose personal fortune was recently estimated at a staggering $800million.

15 - It’s All About Looking The Prat, I Mean Part…

After much searching I finally found a garment that no golfer should be without. As I type a Woodworm cotton slipover from the Ernie Els 2008 range is winging its way to me (in case you hadn’t worked it out a slipover is a sleeveless jumper). Next on my list is a pair of plus four kecks. I think it is important to look the part even if you can’t actually play the fucking game.

As expected the top is black. Black is rapidly becoming my trademark. I’m the Roy Orbison of amateur golf in the north Liverpool area only without the shades…or the quiff…or the voice…and I’m alive. I also splurged on a couple of caps which are obviously black and could, from a distance, look like a quiff I suppose thus making the Orbison comparison valid again.

On the subject of clobber, why don’t manufacturers like Adidas cater for the salad dodgers out there? If, as expected, darts becomes an Olympic sport then Adidas will be fucked when trying to kit out Phil ‘The Gut’ Taylor for the Team GB parade at the opening ceremony. What are they going to do, wrap him in a giant Union Jack and then stitch it up like a massive nappy?

Even Nike are uncharacteristically limited in their sizing considering they come from the country that invented gluttony. They can make a basketball shirt to fit one of those room sized grazers that get fork lifted onto the back of a flatbed lorry to appear on the Sally Jessy Springer show yet they can’t do a golf shirt that fits a podgy bloke from Liverpool, England.

You’d think, given that half of their target customers are so fat they have their own zip (post) code that they would do bigger sizes but no. Either that or I’m looking in the wrong place in which case I apologise unreservedly for using tired and frankly obvious stereotypes to describe the American massive.

I bet the reason Craig Stadler retired because Nike didn’t do a top to fit him. The poor sod was desperate for an XXXXXXL shirt but the fascists in Oregon simply wouldn’t make it. You don’t see much of John Daley anymore do you? He was last seen in ‘Sports American Soccer Yaaall’ looking for a pair of natty Adidas kecks to fit his bit fat arse but they only go up to 38. Cunts.

08 - Nickname...

I was dropping the kids off at the pool the other day (figuratively speaking) and got to thinking about nicknames. Every great player deserves one, some average players have been given one and I want to be the first shit player to have one.

Ernie Els is ‘The Big Easy’ because he is tall and has a smooth swing, Sergio Garcia is ‘Il Nino’ (The Kid) because he is erm, 28 and Phil Mickelson is FIGJAM (Fuck I'm Good, Just Ask Me) because he is a big headed cunt. Even Eldrick Woods goes by the name ‘Tiger’ but that is because Eldrick is a twat of a name.

I was trying to come up with something catchy, appropriate and most importantly, cool. After literally seconds of thought I came up with ‘The Cack in Black’. The first part of the nickname is obvious, the second because I realised the other day that all my golf gear is black.

So there you have it, I’m one step closer to making a living out of golf, as I now have a nickname. I’ll have to get it printed on golf balls, embroided on caps and splashed up the side of my bag. Live the dream...