178 - It's Yer Money I'm After Baby...

After the last article about my mate having around £200 to spend on his new obsession I got thinking about what he could buy if money were no option. I realise that there is probably no limit to how much that could be spent so I decided to have a poke around my favourite online emporium; www.onlinegolf.co.uk to see what my mate could get without a lottery win.

Driver: TaylorMade R9 SuperTri TP - £340. This driver, which combines Moveable Weight Technology and Flight Control Technology with 3 moveable weights in a 460cc head, marking the ultimate unification of TaylorMade’s major driver technologies with maximum size to deliver enormous distance and forgiveness from the tee on the golf course

Fairway Wood: TaylorMade R9 TP Fairway Wood - £215. This fairway wood has a new classically shaped clubhead, similar to the R9 Driver, which looks fantastic at address, and with TaylorMade Flight Control Technology, you can change the club into 8 different positions to optimise your performance on the golf course.

Hybrid: TaylorMade Rescue TP 2009 - £165. A shot into the rough can be saved with this essential addition to your golf bag. With an extremely low centre of gravity for an easy launch, and Ultra Thin Wall technology for greater weight distribution, this is a club every golfer needs to recover from a misplaced tee shot.

Clubs: Yonex Golf 3I Nanospeed (right) - £783. By incorporating the Isometric Face and 3D Power Weight system across the iron set, these irons now offer a greater sweet spot and substantially increased forgiveness from the clubface. The long irons feature an innovative wide cavity and long sole which pushes the centre of gravity deeper into the club head for a higher launch. In contrast, the centre of gravity is progressively shifted closer to the club face across the mid and short irons to provide a more accurate feel and enhanced distance control.

Wedges: Callaway Golf X Series Jaws Wedge (below) - £85 each. This astounding wedge benefits from aggressively-sized MACK Daddy Grooves, which have been designed with maximum conforming width and depth grooves to give you shot-stopping control and spin, and enable you to take aim from virtually any lie on the golf course.

Putter: TaylorMade TP Agsi Kia Ma Putter - £225. This marvellous putter is 100% milled from 304 stainless steel to ensure every detail is rendered beautifully and perfectly; has adjustable Micro-Moveable weights to change the putters’ weight and customise the feel to suit your preference; and an AGSI+ Titallium face insert to negate backspin and promote forward spin to provide great roll and control, as well as a soft and solid feel.

Bag: TaylorMade TMX T2 Cart Bag 2010 - £180. A total of 10 pockets, including dual accessory pockets and a velour-lined valuables pocket, give this bag space to store everything you could possibly need on the golf course, from spare golf clothing to a number of golf balls in case your round doesn’t go quite to plan! With a golf towel clip, integrated golf umbrella sleeve, and Fast Action Snap Technology accessory compatible, this magnificent golf bag ensures your golf accessories are always within easy reach.

Trolley: Clicgear Cart Trolley Version 3.0 - £180. Clicgear offers a full sized three wheel golf pushcart that glides smoothly down the fairway and yet still folds up incredibly small. At only 13 x 15 and 24 when folded, it won’t take over your car trunk or garage.

Balls: TaylorMade Penta TP Dozen Golf Balls - £35 per dozen. This is the first Tour golf ball to feature 5 solid layers, with each layer engineered to optimise performance in five key shot categories that skilled golfers need. The 5 layers of Penta TP golf ball include the core, inner mantle, middle mantle, outer mantle and cover, and each of these plays a critical role in optimising the performance of each of the five key shots.

So there you have it, driver, fairway wood, hybrid, clubs, wedges (x2), putter, bag and ball. Total for that admittedly pretty awesome kit? A whopping £2,293! That doesn’t include clothing, an electric trolley, rangefinder/GPS or a brolley!!! My friend’s £200 looks even more pitiful now.

177 - Starting All Over Again...

I received a text from a mate last night asking what clubs I owned as he was thinking of taking up golf. I was excited naturally – another lost soul to trudge around a muddy field with, both of us aiming with perfection but settling for a decent lie in the rough or a favourable bounce on a frozen green.

I explained to him that what he should do is get a budget and then buy the best he can afford. I asked him how much he was hoping to spend and was told he would go up to around £200. I know in his head this sounded like a substantial amount but we all know that it is a pittance in the real world of golf.

I told him he would struggle with such a small budget as he needs a driver (or fairway wood), a utility club/hybrid, a half set, a wedge, a putter, a bag, a trolley and a pair of shoes for starters. I know he could probably save a few quid by ditching the hybrid, wedge and trolley but it is still a lot of equipment without a lot of cash.

I suggested a starter or a second hand set would probably be the way to go until he committed to the game whereupon he could invest in some serious golf porn.

A quick look on eBay shows all manner of clubs in various conditions and a few starter sets from companies I’d never heard of (although I did see a set from Wilson which ticked all the boxes).

He asked for some club suggestions so he could do some ‘window shopping’ so I sent him links to some of the wilder super game improver clubs.

He was impressed by the Nike SQ Machspeed, the Callaway Diablo and TaylorMade’s new Burner set (in fact he commented that the clubs looked too good to use – a good sign?)

If he gets into the game he will no doubt be looking at a set of super game improver clubs unless he is a bit stupid and buys a set of blades like I, erm, did. In my defence, they were the most forgiving blades that Mizuno produced at the time with a cavity back, great workability and movie star good looks. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it…

I might see if I can get my mate on board the Mizuno Express too. The Japanese club wizards have just brought out the stunning looking JPX800 aimed at the high handicap player which would be perfect for him. Another member of the Mizuno Mafia would be more than welcome.

171 - The Best A Man Can Get...

Tiger Woods is so important to golf, golf magazines, golf blogs and golf sponsors that the fact he has decided to grow a little goatee beard (below) is now news apparently. Is this how far we have sunk, chattering like housewives because he decided to sport some facial hair for the WGC Bridgestone Invitational at the Firestone CC?

I get irony, I realise that by talking about this subject not only am I continuing the cycle but I’m actively promoting the debate but come on, how is some hair on Eldrick’s chinney, chin chin news worthy? Apparently it is, apparently it is almost a big deal.

I hope that this beard is a not so subtle F.U. to Gillette who decided to “limit Woods’ role in marketing” when his extramarital manoeuvres with a gaggle of women made it into the public domain. I hope he is showing Gillette that he is limiting his use of their products by not shaving his chin!

Now that he is damaged goods why not annoy more sponsors and make a few bob? Tag Heuer are one of his main supporters but why not be filmed smashing up an Aquaracer before signing a deal with James Bond’s watchmaker of choice, Omega? Who knows, they might knock him up one with a laser range finder in it or something.

EA’s Tiger Woods games are, quite simply, fantastic but that doesn’t mean there isn’t scope for change. Why not get a load of EA produced discs and smash them off a tee in front of the world’s media then sign a deal with Nintendo to get Shigeru Miyamoto (Donkey Kong, Mario, Zelda etc) to produce a fresh, new, cartoony, puzzle laden version of the game.

Tiger’s most prominent sponsor is Nike and the partnership has been very successful but maybe it is time for a change. In the current climate I have absolutely no doubt that TaylorMade-Adidas Golf would be first to snap Woods up, shackling him to a deal so comprehensive that the 34-year-old would be contractually obliged to get three stripes tattooed down his arms.

Back in the real world we all know that there is absolutely no chance of anything like that happening. Woods will continue to smile at all the right events, wear all the right clothing and use all the right equipment. If the goatee is a tiny rebellion then the great man has gone up in my estimation but chances are he just fancied a change.

169 - Completely Owned...

It is a sad day for cool golf boys and girls. International bright young thing and golfing heartthrob Camilo Villegas is leaving Cobra Golf and joining TaylorMade-Adidas Golf (TMaG). I know, I know, I’m in bits too, I'm a man on the verge.

Puma recently announced that they had purchased Cobra Golf as part of their commitment to strengthening their growing and successful golf business and I was I was looking forward to seeing the combination of the two brands being strutted up the fairways by Camilo.

But my hopes have now been dashed as the three-time winner on the PGA Tour has signed an exclusive deal with TMaG that will see the Columbian completely decked out by his new sponsors from top to bottom.

It has been reported that this years The Honda Classic winner will play TaylorMade clubs, a TaylorMade ball, wear TaylorMade headwear, wear a TaylorMade glove, use a TaylorMade staff bag and wear Adidas Golf footwear. That is as close to being owned by a company as you can get I guess.

Mark King (not the bass player from Level 42 but the president and CEO of TMaG) said: "Camilo is a winner, a gentleman, and a fan favourite. Cameras tend to find him because he has presence and magnetism that's impressive and rare.”

‘Spiderman’ will join other TaylorMade Tour Staff including Darren Clarke, Sergio Garcia, Retief Goosen, Dustin Johnson, Martin Kaymer and Justin Rose. The deal is seen as a bit of a coup for TMaG as the 28-year-old is one of the most recognizable and cool players on the PGA Tour right now.

I’m genuinely a bit gutted that that one of the most charismatic players on the Tour has declined the chance of working with one of the more innovative and interesting golf manufacturers. I’m a fan of Adidas Golf too though so there could be some Villegas inspired goodness making its way into my wardrobe I suppose.

160 - The New Silver...

It seems that white is the new silver when it comes to putters. TaylorMade have produced a new family of ‘Ghost’ putters that are earning rave reviews in the golfing press and are being used to great effect by the tour pros, most noticeably Graeme McDowell and Justin Rose.

McDowell used the new putter to help him win both the Welsh Open at Celtic Manor and the US Open at Pebble Beach recently with Rose picking up his first PGA Tour win at the Memorial Tournament, which took place at the Muirfield Village Golf Club, Dublin, Ohio, USA.

The Rossa Corza Ghost (to give it its full name) is a stunning thing to behold, from its glorious white finish to its three alignment lines and innovative hole in the head it certainly stands out. Rumour is that TaylorMade have plans to extend the range to produce a Ghost for every player.

One player who obviously likes the idea of a white putter if not the design of the Corza Ghost is Sergio Garcia (right) who has had his usual putter ‘blancoed’.

The Ryder Cup star was spotted at the US Open using a white blade putter sparking rumours that TaylorMade were about to release a white Anser type wand.

According to the manufacturer that isn’t really the case. Garcia, as a TaylorMade/Adidas staff player, asked for a specially produced white version of his normal Rossa Daytona putter and the company duly obliged.

Golf Whine Monthly reviewed the Corza Ghost as part of a 42 club round up and it received a Gold Award, finishing third in the mallet section behind another of the company’s putters, the child scaringly ugly Spider Vicino and the pretty Nike Method 003 (incidentally, the TaylorMade Daytona favoured by Garcia was runner up in the blade review).

The reviewers were impressed by TMaG’s “outside the box” thinking when it came to design and who can argue? Both the Corza and the Spider Vicino are stunning looking creations that work in the real world which is what a lot of us want.

149 - Spores Not Scores...

There is a lot to like about this time of year; beautiful weather, immaculate courses, yet I’m not playing – hay fever is a cruddy little condition to have. While everyone else is out there whacking TaylorMade Penta’s up and down the fairway I’m stuck indoors with a nose that drips like a leaky tap.

I’m aching to get out there and play, I’m desperate to practice, and I can’t wait to put the things I learned from Terry a few weeks ago into practice but at the moment I’m a slave to pollen. I’ve got eyes like Marty Feldman, a nose like Rudolf the Reindeer and lungs full of spores.

It feels like I haven’t picked up a club for months (even though it is more like a few weeks) and I’m definitely starting to miss it. I’ve cut down on obsessing over equipment and clothing to help stop the cravings but every now and then I find myself thinking about lugging my bats around a field.

The only positive thing from being trapped in the house is that the British Open starts soon meaning I can spend four days watching the best players in the world pounding around the home of golf in glorious high definition.

Oh yes, St. Andrews looking as good as it gets, waiting to crush dreams.

St Andrews is the world’s oldest golf course; they have been playing there for over 600 years. It isn’t the prettiest course on the planet but there is a real pull to the strip of links on the east coast of Scotland. Sam Snead once said: “Until you play it, St. Andrews looks like the sort of real estate you couldn't give away”.

Golf Whine Monthly ran a feature recently where normal players got a chance to play the course ahead of the Open to show just how testing it is. The players were lucky as the weather was good and they still posted rubbish scores, coming away from the course battered into submission.

It is one of my ambitions to play St Andrews but not while I have got jelly eyes and a nose full of snot. I’m more than happy to watch Tiger Woods et all show me how it is done from the safety of my couch.

148 - Fake Update...

In February I wrote about a guy called Gary Bellchambers who, along with a couple of other people, was responsible for the biggest counterfeiting scam ever uncovered on eBay. Bellchambers and his gang were responsible for over 96,000 golf related transactions through the auction site between June 2003 and March 2008.

The whole enterprise came to a halt after a pensioner reported Bellchambers to the Trading Standards Institute after not receiving a full refund for some tat he had tried to sell to her. The TSI then leapt into action and started Operation Augusta to try and catch Bellchambers and his cronies in the act.

The operation was a success and seven people were arrested. Bellchambers (below) was jailed for four years and three months with his bookkeeper Keith Thomas getting 16 months after they admitting conspiracy to sell or distribute fake goods. A third man, Roy Cottee received 12 months after being found guilty of the same charge with four others receiving suspended sentences.

Bill Adams, Havering Council principle trading standards officer, said: "We are pleased that this gang have got what they deserved.

They made millions of pounds from their operation, selling tens of thousands of fake clubs to people all over the world. Each customer was ripped off by up to £100 per club.

"I've been an investigator for 35 years and never heard of such a massive counterfeiting operation - it was of a scale that has never been seen before."

As I said when I first posted about this, I had a picture of a Del Boy Trotter character, a lovable rogue selling hooky gear from a shed but the truth of the matter is that Bellchambers and his team brought more than six tons of golf equipment into the United Kingdom from Asia before selling it for a massive profit.

Here is another thing, because they have brought so much second rate rubbish into the country it is almost certain that there will still be an awful lot of it doing the rounds on eBay. Keep that in mind the next time you see that ‘too good to miss’ Odyssey Two-Ball putter or TaylorMade R7 driver.

143 - The White Putter For You?

I was watching the Welsh Open at Celtic Manor over the weekend (great golf and great result for Graeme McDowell) and noticed one of the Pro’s using what looked like a white putter. After a bit of digging I found club being used, and what a club it is.

It turns out that it is called the Corza Ghost (cool name) and is made by TaylorMade. The white finish has been used to help golfers aim the club easier and comes as a result of experiments TaylorMade did with Dr. Steven A. Hitzeman, a professor at the Indiana School of Optometry.

Dr. Hitzeman said: ”The white putter head stands out so clearly against its background because of the high contrast between white and green. That high contrast maximizes stimulation to the retina and highlights the head's shape and features. The contrast would be lower if the putter was black or grey.

“Many golfers use the leading edge of the putter as part of their alignment strategy, so this high contrast for the leading edge gives the golfer the best chance of squaring up the putter face at address.”

But the help doesn’t just end with the delightful hue chosen by the engineers and the good doctor, there are three black alignment lines on the top and a circular hole in the back giving multiple options when lining up a shot.

"You can focus on the topline to aim Ghost, or you can focus on the alignment lines to visually connect the circular hole and your ball to lock in your aim. The point is that you've got options, each one highly effective." said Bret Wahl, senior director of iron, wedge and putter development

If you are interested in this stunning looking piece of kit then hurry to your favourite online emporium and part with a reasonable £129. If this style isn’t quite to your liking then TaylorMade have announced that more Ghost models are scheduled to become available later in the year.

Sometimes the best ideas are the most simple and that is certainly so with the Corza Ghost. Take a mallet putter, make it white and suddenly it becomes easier to use. It’ll be interesting to see how many other manufactures suddenly come up with the revolutionary idea of painting their putters…

119 - Shake The Fake...

I was reading an article in Golf Whine Monthly recently about the biggest counterfeiting scam in eBay history which saw thousands of fake clubs sold for millions of pounds. Initially I had a picture of a Del Boy Trotter character, a lovable rogue selling hooky gear from a shed but then it dawned on me that I should be very angry at this modern day Fagin.

I, like a lot of you out there I suspect, buy a fair bit of my golfing paraphernalia via eBay as it often throws up the best price. I don’t mind that the gear doesn’t come with a full warranty, that there is virtually zero after sales and that there is a good chance the equipment isn’t brand new. What I do mind is being ripped off by being sent fake goods knocked up in an Asian factory for a few quid when I have paid for the genuine article.

A guy called Gary Bellchambers from Rainham in Essex set up a number of eBay accounts selling the likes of Odyssey Two-Ball putters, Cleveland irons and TaylorMade R7 drivers. He would buy the fake kit from China for as little as £3 before hawking it on eBay for up to £100 (which was still a bit cheaper than the shops but not too much). The pricing was very clever as it didn’t raise suspicion with the buyer for being too cheap yet still had that delicious smell of a genuine bargain.

Over five years his team was responsible for over 96,000 golf related transactions on eBay but it all come to a juddering halt in March 2008 after a little old lady complained to Trading Standards after she didn’t get a refund on a shoddy fake she had been sent.

Normally Bellchambers would refund customers instantly to stop them escalating the complaint but in this case he was out of the country and couldn’t respond.

Trading Standards launched ‘Operation Augusta’ and raided a number of homes seizing computers and 2,500 fake clubs. Computer forensics found emails between the team with detailed lists of which customer had bought what equipment, common complaints for returned goods and how flaws in the golf gear needed to be addressed to prevent the operation being caught out.

Bellchambers was charged with the rather catchy crime of ‘conspiracy to sell or distribute golf clubs and accessories bearing signs likely to be mistaken for registered trademarks contrary to Sec 1(1) of the Criminal Law Act 1977’ and is due to be sentenced any day now. If convicted he and his co-conspirators could face up to 10 years in prison.

Golf by its very nature drives us to strive for constant improvement. The big manufacturers play on this and are relentlessly producing equipment that promises to give us tiny advantages over our fellow hackers but with money tight we are all on the lookout for a bargain. Bellchambers and his crew exploited this situation and merrily ripped off thousands. Loveable rogue? Don’t make me laugh.

117 - Five Star...

I admit it; I’m a sucker for gadgets, technology and new developments in golf. Although I do tend to whine about the manufacturers attempts to make the game of golf easier, I always skip to the new product section of Golf Whine Monthly for a quick drool at the stuff I will never buy. Flicking through the magazines recently I stumbled across something I badly want which infuriated me at the same time.

It is no secret that the golf equipment manufacturers churn out stuff each year with the sole purpose of making themselves a few quid, good luck to them I say. Occasionally the powers at be fiddle with the rules slightly giving the companies an excuse to produce a new driver with a 460cc head or a wedge with v grooves for example, but sometimes the big corporations make stuff for the sake of making stuff it seems.

Modern golf balls are broadly broken up into two categories; two piece balls that are aimed at higher handicap players who put a premium on low cost and high life span of a ball and three piece balls that are aimed at lower handicap players who demand playability and flexibility from their ball (there are also a few four piece balls that are basically the same as their three piece brethren but cost more and erm, well that is it really as far as I can tell).

But what if a two piece ball isn’t enough for you? What if a three piece ball leaves you cold? What if a four piece ball sends waves of apathy coursing through the very fibre of your being? I’ll tell you what you need in that case, a five piece ball!!!

But what kind of deranged company would come up with a ball that has almost as many layers as an onion? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you TaylorMade.

The ‘number one name in drivers’ is hoping to challenge Titleist to become the ‘number one name in golf balls’ with the release of its Penta TP five piece ball (above). Sergio Garcia, Retief Goosen, Y.E. Yang, Justin Rose and Jason Day are all set to use it on tour this season but TaylorMade are confident that the ball will be a big hit because the multi layer technology makes it the ideal choice for every level of golfer.

So how does it work? Well the new hazard finding missile from TaylorMade has a core designed to promote high launch speeds and low spin for distance off the tee, an inner mantle which does something similar for long irons, a middle mantel to help promote a mid launch trajectory for mid irons, a outer mantel designed to stop the ball spinning back too much when using scoring irons and a cover designed to give ultimate control. Phew.

So what does all that mean? In theory TaylorMade have produced a ball for golfers of all ability that is effective at all ranges with all clubs. If it works in practice then the Penta TP could be the most significant development in golf ball design since Titleist unleashed the all conquering Pro V1 on the golfing world. Or it could be just another golf ball at the end of the day...

114 - Three Stripes, Dozens Of Items...

After writing recently about my new Adidas rain suit I realised that I have a lot of golfing clobber from the German manufacturer with the three-stripe logo. I had a quick check of my course attire and discovered that most of it was made by Adidas yet I haven’t made conscious effort to buy their stuff. Why have I suddenly got a wardrobe full of Adidas?

It is no secret that Adidas make good stuff so I’m happy with the seemingly subliminal purchases I have made over the last twelve months I just didn’t realise how much I had picked up. I have bought jumpers, polo shirts, outer layers, pants, shoes and recently a rain suit all from the same company and all apparently subconsciously.

I can’t recall any of the adverts which no doubt litter Golf Whine Monthly trying to persuade me that the latest gear from Adidas will give me the edge on the course, will make me stand out in the clubhouse and will have women literally throwing themselves at me at the awards dinner. Maybe the German’s have mastered the art of the subliminal advert?

Actually, it is more likely that I have picked up all this kit because there are always tons of offers on for their stuff – I do like a bargain don’t you know?

I know that anything from Adidas will be decent quality and has the right image so buying their gear is usually a no brainer, especially if it looks good and comes in the right colours (always an important fact).

It is obvious that Adidas make golf clothing but I wondered if they produced clubs like other mass sport manufacturers do, Nike for example. A quick look on the Internet turned up a surprising answer; Adidas own TaylorMade. It turns out that the German company snaffled up TaylorMade in 1997 and has spent the last decade rebranding the club manufacturer to become one of the biggest names in golf.

This rebranding and collaboration has been so successful that in 2005 the company officially became the number one name in drivers with more tour pros using their woods than all the other major brands put together. In 2006 TaylorMade-Adidas Golf as the combined company is know made $1billion in revenue.

Now I know that TaylorMade is part of the Adidas family I’m surprised I haven’t been hoodwinked into buying an R9 driver, R7 irons, a Rosso putter or some Burner golf balls. Wonder if the usual suspects have any offers on at the moment...

88 - Fourth Monday Rant - Cover Flaps...

When I started doing these Monday rants I mentioned that some of them would be serious, some not so serious and some just plain stupid. Today is a stupid day. Well you lot will probably think it is stupid but it is something that annoys the life out of me. The subject of today’s rant is cover flaps on magazines. There is a very obvious joke about flaps on the cover of magazines and publications like Playboy, Hustler and Penthouse. I’m not going to stoop to that level.

A cover flap, for those who are wondering what the hell I’m going on about, is when the magazine producers decide to whore themselves to one of the big manufacturers and put an advert behind the front cover underneath two flaps. Before you get to the advertisement laden publication there is the pleasure of a double page spread announcing the latest and greatest in golf tee technology from TaylorMade.

When FootJoy have an insert within the magazine promoting the massive leaps in shoelace design they have made it forces me to grimace, when my copy of Golf Whine Monthly arrives with a free supplement explaining how Callaway’s new towel will change the way I play golf forever I start twitching like someone from One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest but flaps on the cover of magazines send me over the edge.

These extra revenue generating pains in the arse probably seem like a good idea to the Editor in Chief of the publication but all they do is drive me to absolute distraction. I think I have a bit of OCD going on as I like to keep my magazines in pristine condition even after they have been pored over, scrutinised and fingered. The extra flaps make this exercise that bit more difficult as the cover almost always curves up like some creepy triffid.

The extra bits of cover also make it a little more difficult to hold the magazine when reading it. Don’t believe me? Try it. The front of it lolls around like a love sick teenager sitting next to the girl of his dreams when babysitting in her aunt’s house in the summer holidays...or something. Anyway, it doesn’t help the reading experience one bit.

We pay £4 for a magazine that is already filled with adverts for everything you could possibly imagine using in the sport of golf yet they still try and ring out a few more quid from the manufacturers by offering up the front cover. To me it is like publication prostitution but, unlike the ladies of low moral fibre who offer themselves up to men, once the flaps are open it is difficult to get them shut again.

(I’ve just read that article back again and there is so much innuendo in it I was toying with calling it ‘Carry On up the Fairway’. I apologise to anyone who I’ve offended).

85 - The Oakley Cokey...

So the other day I was moaning about the Lyle & Scott brigade and agreeing with Chris Evans when he said that he likes golf he just doesn’t like looking like a golfer. With this in mind I went on a bit of an online shopping spree to stock up on some new fairway clobber that looked as far removed from the diamond jumper and slacks set as possible.

I’ll be honest, I haven’t got the right ‘build’ for the more designer kit out there – you need snake hips and pecks (not moobs) to pull the desired look off, which means I’m kinda out of luck. I need something a little more casual, something with a more relaxed fit if you know what I’m getting at? Ok, something to cover my ever-expanding gut!

Being a fussy sod I also wanted to steer away from the label encrusted gear that seems the norm in the golf world.

On the subject of labels, it was bad enough when company’s splashed their names all over you clothing but now they have started teaming up to do it. I noticed that recently TaylorMade and Adidas have teamed up to produce a range that is covered in logos – nice.

I like the idea of wearing stuff that isn’t the norm on the course without overstepping the all-important rules, which got me looking at brands I wouldn’t normally associate with golf.

One of these brands was Oakley who are more famous for their sunglasses and surf wear than their involvement in golf (although they do provide someone called Ricky Barnes (left) with his apparel).

A quick look at their range show plenty of casual polo shirts with subtle logos, less formal looking chino/Dockers/cargo type pants and stylish caps. It is the type of stuff you could wear away from the course without looking like you have just finished a round and haven’t had time to get changed. It is right up my street so I ordered a load of it!

The next time I’m at the local municipal I’m gonna look good, resplendent in my slacker-fit cargo pants and loose polo shirt safe in the knowledge that I have the appropriate attire on without a hint of knitwear, pastel slacks or logo infested caps. Oh yeah, and some of it isn’t even black!

77 - Second Monday Rant - The Arms Race…

If you look through golf magazines they give a disproportionate amount of column inches to drivers in my opinion. If for example Callaway put a new groove in the sole of their latest driver it is front-page stuff with a comment in the editors piece and a whole spread hastily assembled showing why this groove will revolutionise your game. Tosh.

I’m convinced that most of the ‘developments’ dreamt up by the equipment manufacturers make absolutely no difference whatsoever to the average muni-hacker. The only reason there is a change is to convince us mugs to part with £250 a year for a club that, on the whole, performs exactly the same as the one we already have. There are exceptions to this rule though.

Nike has recently brought out the STR8-FIT adjustable driver that can be configured eight different ways to force the ball to hook or slice (below). Not to be out done in the driver arms race, TaylorMade have released the all new R9 which has movable weights and an adjustable shaft which, like the Nike club, forces the ball to bend one way or the other from the tee.

I’m all for anything that makes golf easier but where do we draw the line? With these drivers it is possible to hit the ball straighter and further despite not actually being a better player.

Now 28ers can smash the ball 250 yards up the fairway as straight as a die after picking up the game just a few months before. Those with handicaps in the teens unwilling to spend a fortune on the new drivers will struggle to keep up off the tee.

I know that there is more to golf than driving but mastering that first shot is one of the fundamentals of the game. The new breed of adjustable clubs makes the tee shot that bit easier thus giving the advantage to people willing to shell out the sort of money usually used to buy a set of irons on just one driver. Why not go the whole hog and pay someone to hit the ball for you?

Surely it would be better to spend the £300 (the price of the STR8-FIT and R9) on lessons from a pro to help hit the ball properly rather than just go out and buy the latest technological gimmick? For that kind of cash the pro would be able to look at not only your driving but your iron shots, short game and putting too. To me that is a much better use of the cash but the problem is that we live in a society where shortcuts, workarounds and quick fixes are the norm.

Soon we won’t even play golf, we’ll simply reach for the Wii controller and hit perfect shot after perfect shot. No doubt Nike and TaylorMade will then come up with a £300 controller incorporating ‘revolutionary technology’ that will allow us to undo the last shot until we are happy. Is that really progress?

73 - Chip Around The Clock...

I love wedges; I think they are some of the sexiest pieces of golf kit on the market right now. They are some of the most lovingly created tools in your bag (to me woods, hybrids and clubs can be exercises in engineering these days) yet wedges haven’t changed much in design over the years. Look at this years offering from Callaway and it won’t be a million miles from the wedge released 10 years ago and the one 10 years before that.

Technological advances in chippers seem to be cutting slightly different shaped grooves (which will soon be banned) or adding a swirling pattern to the face. None of this multi-composite materials malarkey, no lowering the centre of gravity, none of this increasing the MOI tomfoolery just a classic shape, good quality metals and plenty of that illusive feel the magazines talk about so much.

But a quick look at any online store will show there are so many different wedges out there and how come some stand out more than others? All the big manufactures produce a wedge to compliment their range and I’m sure they all perform admirably but there are a few clubs that seem to rank higher than others.

Titleist, TaylorMade, Callaway and Cleveland are renowned for their wedges as are my favourite manufacturer Mizuno. The Titleist Vokey is arguably the right now delivering tour standard spin and control with the rest of the field hot on it’s beautifully crafter heels. I came close to buying an Oil Can finished Vokey a few months ago but I had a bit of a run in with Acushnet – the parent company who own Titleist and FootJoy – so I boycotted them.

Instead I turned to Mizuno who, after a bit of research, are apparently famed for producing quality wedges that deliver bags of feel. Perfect for an international ball chipping legend like me! Ahem. I purchased three wedges via the internet saving myself around £160 on the RRP and, from my limited experience and testing, they are mint.

I’ve got two MP-R Series wedges and an MP-T Series. The difference between the R and the T is the shape. R stands for round and, as the name suggests, the face is bigger and slightly more rounded to give more flexibility and make it easier to hit better shots. The T stands for teardrop and it is a more traditional, classically shaped wedge.

The MP-R’s are 50* and 56* and are finished in Black-Ni (above)which gives the club a sort of gunmetal finish that is claimed to reduce glare when used on sunny day and makes the club look fantastic. The MP-T is 58* and has what Mizuno call Raw Haze finish (below). Basically it looks like it has started rusting straight out of the box (it will rust for real over time to increase spin) – it is stunning I reckon.

Both are gorgeous, both are useless to me at the moment as I can’t use them properly. This will change soon though as I’ve been onto Richie who has confirmed he will be happy to help me get my ‘A game’ on using a method he read where you break the chipping stoke into three zones with the average distances are calculated to help distance control. I like the sound of this; it arouses the engineer in me.

So how does it work? Each wedge is swung to a set distance which is equated to three times on a clock. Imagine that when the club is sat behind the ball it is at 6 o’clock (straight down on the clock face). The first swing sees the club is drawn back to 7 o’clock, the second 9 o’clock and the last one 11 o’clock to produce three levels of swing and therefore three different chip distances (still with me?)

The idea is that I focus on just three chips and then simply use a different wedge to produce different distance results. Once the distances are mapped with each wedge I should be able to predict roughly where the ball should go thus taking some of the guess work out of chipping.

Obviously there will be more to it than that as there are a lot of other variables like lie, weather, type of shot needed etc but having a pretty good idea of where the ball should land will be one less thing to worry about. That is the theory anyway; I’ll give you all an update of what happened once I attempted to put this into practice.

39 - Thouroughly Entertained For a Change...

The latest copy of Golf Whine Monthly found its way into my possession the other day and for the first time ever it thoroughly entertained me. Is this a sign that I’m now getting into golf enough to understand everything they are banging on about? Does it show that I’m eager to learn about what is happening in the world of golf? Or could it be that there is a new Titleist Vokey wedge out and they had pictures of it? You decide…

This year’s Vokey wedges come with three new shaft stiffness’s giving the range increased variety and making them more accessible to players of varying ability. The faces of the club are still ‘spin milled’ meaning the ball rotates faster than if struck with an average wedge which, in theory, gives the player more control.

But fuck all that, they still do the little beauty with an ‘Oil Can’ finish. I swear I get a semi on just thinking about the bronzed little minx! Interestingly they still do it boring arsed ‘Tour Chrome’ but now it also comes in pornographic ‘Black Nickel’. Oooh, it is almost as nice as the junkyard dog…I think I want one of both.

On the subject of new clubs there was an interesting letter from some clown who is as bad as me asking should he stick with the auld clubs he inherited a few years ago or invest in some new bats. The answer was simple; new ‘game-improvement’ clubs will provide more forgiveness and playability and help reduce handicaps. I’m sold.

Not only do the good people at Golf Whine Monthly say I need some shiny new clubs they also give a list of the best ones to buy. They reckon the Wilson Di9’s or the Mizuno MX-100’s (pictured above) are great and are available for under £400 which is a definite plus. They also mention some clubs I have already talked about on this blog; the TaylorMade Burner Plus and Ping’s Rapture V2 but they are crazy expensive.

In summary; the Wilson’s look cheap, the Mizuno’s look great (and have a blue highlight to them - nice), the TaylorMade’s look too up their own arse and the Ping’s look fucking awesome. At this moment the Mizuno’s seem a pretty good bet, especially as they are just £50 a club (this compares well when put up against the Ping’s which are over a ton a bat)! I can either buy a full set of the Mizuno’s or half a set of the Ping’s. Decisions, decisions…

Finally, there was a reply to the crying cunt who travelled all the way to Portugal to play on some swanky course but was pissed off because there were villas lining some of the holes. He said it made the place look like a posh housing estate but a couple of residents wrote in to call him a whining bastard. To be honest I agree with them. Like I said at the time, just get on with spanking the piss out of the ball and enjoy yourself for fuxake.

33 - Brightly Coloured Aspirational Bobbins...

Since spotting the good reviews of a set of TaylorMade clubs the other week I have been eying up their merchandise with more than a little passing interest. Before reading the review I never really fancied their stuff (despite having a TaylorMade bag ironically) as they always looked a bit, well, poncey to me compared to other manufacturers. It is hard to explain but I’ll have a go.

When I think of Nike stuff it puts me in mind of 20 and 30-something players who have recently taken the sport up and are full of energy and enthusiasm. They would be the sort of people who would buy Golf Punk magazine (which I described as Nuts Mag with putters if you remember) and have longest drive competitions for Tequila Shots.

Ping is what professionals and auld arses use. People who have been playing for 15 years or more, got the hooning out of their system and now want clubs that allow them to do shit like shape their shots in an effort to get down to a single figure handicap. Their choice is made because they will absolutely not compromise on quality and price isn’t really an issue.

When it comes to TaylorMade I tend to think of people who buy stuff because of the image it portrays. It puts me in mind of people who absolutely must have an executive German saloon despite struggling to pay the insurance on it. People who buy Apple Mac’s because of the way they look rather than because of the stuff it can do. People who have to have the latest phone with all the bells and whistles despite never using them half of them. You know the type of person I mean, they are usually referred to as cunts.

Well that is what I was thinking as I was idly checking the Auto Trader website for a Mercedes CLK coupe on my iPhone via the shortcut that synced from my MacBook. Yup, they are the type of person you would cross the road to avoid. They are usually mouthy bastards with too much to say and too little worth listening to in my experience. Erm…

Joking aside, TaylorMade have that effect on me which would possibly put me off buying them. I am probably dead wrong, they are probably a fantastic brand that deserves a lot more credit than I’m giving it and no doubt my outlook would change if I spent £500 on a set of their irons but for the time being I’m not feeling them.

At least they don’t try and hook in the morons by giving their stuff exciting names like ‘Burner’ and producing garish golf bags and that. Oh…

26 - Swanky Clubs, Cheap Hybrids And The RSPCA...

So, now I’m back into the game (and I’ve just been paid), I thought I would indulge in my new favourite pastime of drooling over golf porn (not the bunker babes (click here to check out what I’m talking about, it isn’t pictures of Eva Braun either, wrong sort of bunker) or the likes of Natalie Gulbis or Michelle Wie – do a search), I mean clubs ‘n shit.

I started flicking through the reviewed section of Golf Whine Monthly to see what was shiny and new and the answer was a fucking lot. Ping have got some weird aluminous green shafted monsters called Rapture V2 that look the absolute dogs bollocks. Apparently they are even good for people with high handicaps…I wonder what they are like for useless clowns like me though? Hmmm, might investigate.

Talking of clubs that are good for people with high handicaps, TaylorMade have whipped up a set of clubs called Burner Plus which are apparently “ultra, ultra forgiving”. The magazine goes on to say “Game improvers should strongly consider these new irons”. Well that is me sold! The only problem is, they are TaylorMade and I would look and even bigger bellend than I already do if I step up to the tee with a set of swanky clubs only to start hacking the shit out of the fairway/rough/bunker with them.

Anyway, that kit is off my radar until I’m good enough to be classed as shit (as opposed to fucking useless – the rating I have at the minute. I need to whip up a table showing my progress from where I started all the way up to my ultimate aim of average). I need to improve before I can justify the expenditure of a set of clubs which is why I’m experimenting with the likes of my £10 56* wedge. This brings me on to my latest purchase, a £10 Howson Comp Plus Hybrid Wood.

I’ve had a couple of cracks on the Driving Range with other people’s Hybrids and they felt good but I didn’t have enough time to practice to see if they were worth blowing cash on. I saw that little Howson on offer for just a tenner and thought it was a bit of a no-brainer buying it. When it arrives I’m going to give it a full test at the range to see if it will improve my game. Reading magazines and websites it seems these clubs are a revelation so I’m hopeful they can help me.

My golf bag has more mongrels in it than the local RSPCA dog’s home. The bulk of my bats are Callaway Steel Head irons and Big Bertha woods but there is also the Knife 56* wedge, the Howson Hybrid and the recently acquired Hippo John ‘Arthur’ Daly driver. Add to this a rogue Dunlop 6 iron that I noticed the other day and it is fair to say it is literally a mixed TaylorMade bag (which has a Nike umbrella and a Maxfli towel attached to it incidentally). I’m such a brand whore.

Richie has lectured me in the past about buying random stuff. “Will it improve your game?” is the chant from him. “Fuck that, does it look good?” is my retort. He has given up now and just tells me to buy whatever I like as he knows he will inherit it once I chuck the towel in and give up. At this rate he is going to have some utter shite in his bag!!!

06 - Golf Whine Monthly...

Now that I can effectively hit the ball in the general direction I want it I was eager to start playing but first I had to obsess about the game some more. There is an easy way to obsess quickly – I entered the world of magazines (not THOSE magazines, golf magazines).

I tried two to start with, Today’s Golfer and Golf Punk. Today’s Golfer is exactly what I was expecting in that it was quite serious and focused on helping you lower your handicap and all that shit. It has product reviews, player interviews and workshops – all good stuff no doubt. Golf Punk is Nuts Magazine with putters. Nice. Both were ok, nothing that made me think I should subscribe and receive some implausibly shite gift or anything though.

One thing I did notice was that the reader’s letters were so dreary. “I paid 150 Euros to play on a top course in Portugal and when I got there the fairways were lined with villas. It was like playing in an expensive housing estate. Blah blah blah.” So fucking what? Just smack the balls up the field sink the little bastard and move on, don’t whine like a bitch about it in the hope of winning a wedge.

I’m seriously considering writing to the magazines to see if I can inject some humour and wit into the letters page [insert your own joke here]. If I’m being honest I think I would have to tone down the language, stop the aimless rambling about shops and thongs and have something interesting to say. Hmmm, maybe I’ll give it a miss.

On the subject of wedges, is there really THAT much difference between the six million that get reviewed in the magazines each month? In all honesty, how can one be significantly better than the other and therefore justify being significantly more expensive? It isn’t just wedges though. Why is it that Ping stuff cost so much? How much better can Titleist Pro V1 balls be to a cack handed moron like me? Are Footjoy shoes really as comfortable as carpet slippers? Will wearing Tiger Woods’ Nike gear get me a harem of horny ‘bunker babes’?

Ok, if I buy Ping clubs, Taylor Made Woods, Callaway wedges and use Titleist balls will I suddenly be a better player or is it all a big swiz? The fact that I’m using expensive Callaway clubs yet couldn’t hit a cows arse with a banjo says it all I think. Fuck it, I’m only buying stuff that looks good from now on, starting with the Titleist Vokey wedge (above) because you can buy it with something called an ‘oil can finish’ which is like a rusty brown but looks boss…unless I win a wedge with my ‘hilarious’ letter to Golf Whine Monthly.