168 - Quote/Unquote...

Sammy Davis Jr. hits the ball 130 yards and his jewellery goes 150. - Bob Hope

(On refusing to use a long-handled putter) If I'm going to putt and miss, I want to look good doing it. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

(On John Daly's driving power) Man! I can't even point that far! - Gay Brewer

Handicap: a device for collective bargaining on the first tee. - Anon

If you want to take long walks, take long walks. If you want to hit things with sticks, hit things with sticks. But there's no excuse for combining the two and putting the results on television. Golf is not so much a sport as an insult to lawns. - National Lampoon

(On being asked, before his final round, what he had to shoot to win the tournament) The rest of the field. - Roger Maltbie

Time can run backwards if there's a woman on the course. - Henry Beard

To be truthful, I think golfers are overpaid. It's unreal, and I have trouble dealing with the guilt sometimes. - Colin Montgomerie

Some of these legends have been around golf a long time. When they mention a good grip, they're talking about their dentures. - Bob Hope

The more I practice, the luckier I get. - Gary Player

164 - Quote/Unquote...

(Offering playing advice) Lay off for three weeks, and then quit for good. - Sam Snead

This is the 12th, the green is like a plateau with the top shaved off. - Renton Laidlaw

Gerald Ford - the most dangerous driver since Ben-Hur - has made golf a contact sport. There are 42 golf courses in the Palm Springs area and nobody knows which one Gerald Ford is playing until after he has teed off. It's not hard to find Gerald Ford on a golf course - just follow the wounded. - Bob Hope

Bob Hope says I have made golf a combat and contact sport. But I know I'm getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators. - Gerald Ford

(After missing a very long putt) I was on the dance floor, but I couldn't hear the band. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. - Henry Beard

(On designing golf courses) Every hole should be a difficult par and a comfortable bogey. - Robert T. Jones

Pebble Beach is so exclusive even the Samaritans have an unlisted number. - Peter Dobereiner

When I tee the ball where I can see it, I can't hit it. And when I put it where I can hit it, I can't see it. - Jackie Gleason

A golf course manager is the keeper of lawn order. - Erica H. Stux

105 - Quote/Unquote...

Golf is a good walk spoiled. - Mark Twain

Bad Sausage and five bogeys will give you a stomach ache every time. - Miller Barber

My goal this year is basically to find the fairways. - Lauri Peterson

When you start driving your ball down the middle, you meet a different class of people. - Phil Harris

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf - it's almost a law. - H. G. Wells

The only way to enjoy golf is to be a masochist. Go out and beat yourself to death. - Howard Keel

For most amateurs the best wood in the bag is the pencil. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

Pebble Beach and Cypress Point make you want to play golf, they're such interesting and enjoyable layouts. Spyglass Hill, now that's different; that makes you want to go fishing. - Jack Nicklaus

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. - Jim Bishop

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool. - George Brett

69 - Quote/Unquote...

"One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said." - US Open TV Commentator

"You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work." - Lee Trevino

For most amateurs the best wood in the bag is the pencil. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

"The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music." - "Silk Stockings" TV Show

Golf combines two favourite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with sticks. - P. J. O'Rourke

I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf will. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you can get so sore at yourself that you forget to hate you enemies. - Will Rogers, humorist (1879-1935)

Golf is like an 18-year-old girl with the big boobs. You know it's wrong but you can't keep away from her. - Val Doonican

The fun you get from golf is in direct ratio to the effort you don't put into it. - Bob Allen

Watching a golf tournament is different from attending other sports arenas. For one thing, the drunks are spread out in a larger area. - Don Wade

Golf is best understood as a series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle. - Anon