102 - Groove Is In The Heart...

So the powers at be who ruin, sorry run golf have concluded that the professionals are receiving too much help from the club manufacturers and have decided to outlaw the use of ‘u’ grooves on clubs – the miserable sods. Now that the spin police are on their backs the big companies are trying everything they can to provide the same amount of control without falling foul of the latest rules.

For those of you who don’t know, the ‘u’ referred to describes the shape of the groove on the face of your wedges if you examined them carefully. In the old days grooves where cut in a ‘v’ shape which made the ball spin nicely but the introduction of the new shape enabled professionals to control the ball a lot more which, according to the powers at be, is making it too easy for them.

Because the ‘u’ grooves are wider at the bottom than the ‘v’ type any water/sand/soil that gets picked up as the club hits the ball has less effect on your Bridgestone Tour B330, allowing it to spin more. This additional spin equals additional control for professionals – something the governing bodies don’t like this one bit, they seemingly don’t want to see the players producing amazing shots around the green, delighting the crowds and TV audiences...

With the restrictions scheduled to be put in place in the next few years the club manufacturers are already on the case trying to find a way around the restrictions.

Mizuno have announced that their new range of chippers have something called ‘quad cut grooves’ which conform to the new regulations already while still giving professionals the maximum performance. Mizuno are stickin’ it to the man!

The Japanese club wizards are proud to let everyone know how much work they have done to produce these lovely little grooves. As the name suggests the channels are made using four separate cuts to produce grooves that conform to the new rules while still allowing decent players to manipulate the ball any which way they want. No doubt the law makers will be harrumphing at Mizuno’s efforts and meeting to move the goalposts again next year.

All this engineering excellence is fine but the most important point about the new wedges is their looks! The picture above shows the new wedges in all their splendour. It is fair to say that the RAW Black Satin finish is trouser tighteningly good and the MP-T10 is, in my opinion, now the best looking wedge on the market along with the Oil Can Titleist Vokey (which the definition of golf porn!)

So the battle between the governing bodies and the club manufacturers enters a new chapter. The rule makers want the players to use skill not technology to win tournaments, the players are demanding increased performance from their equipment and the manufactures are using all their guile to keep one step ahead of the regulations. While all this is happening I’m still chipping the ball clean over the green regardless of what I use.

101 - Sixth Monday Rant - Catch 22...

When I started playing golf last year I was pretty confident that I would be reasonably good at it quite quickly as I used to knock a ball up and down a field with a rusty, leather gripped 4 iron with ease when I was a kid and I’m quite good at anything I put my mind to usually. I’m annoyed to find that isn’t as easy as I thought.

Despite spending hours and hours at the driving range I have failed miserably to achieve the simple goal of hitting the same shot twice in one session. I’m not saying I haven’t improved its just that I haven’t improved enough which in turn saps the motivation out of me and if I’ve not motivated I have a habit of throwing the towel in rather than to stick at it.

The obvious answer is for me to get some lessons or pester the life out of my friends until they agree to help me over this hump. The thing is, I hate being rubbish at anything, let alone something as frustrating as golf, and it makes me want to walk away in a sulk. I’m never going to do it, I’ve spent too much on golf porn and I’ve got a subscription to Golf Whine Monthly to think about!

No, I need to dig in and get on with it but I simply can’t find the motivation to do it. I’ve got a gaggle of friends slavering to help my yet the spark has seemingly gone – frustration has won. This may sound sad to some of the more eager players out there but I’m seriously struggling to be bothered with golf right now.

I explained to my good friend Richie that I have never enjoyed a round of golf. He vowed to drag me around a course and MAKE me enjoy it – yeah, didn’t make sense to me either! I think if I got to a level where I was hitting half of the fairways from the tee, finding the odd green with my long irons or just two putting then I would have a different outlook but right now I feel a million miles away from that.

Maybe Richie is on to something; maybe the problem is that I’m looking at the game the wrong way around. I’m focussing so much on getting better that I can’t enjoy the game but if I went out there and just played for enjoyment I’d almost certainly improve because I was playing more often. I think I’ve just had an epiphany!!!

Right, that is it, I’m going to take an afternoon off this week, drag my carcass to the local municipal and try my best to have a laugh as I whack my ball from rough to bunker to woods. Who cares what my score is? Who cares how many balls I lose? The important thing is that I WILL enjoy it. And like that my motivation is back…I’m so fickle!

62 - Back From Where I Came...

Right, golf, yeah that is it. It seems SO long since I updated this blog I had to remind myself what it was supposed to be about although regular visitors (yes, the both of you) would argue that there are times where I have wandered onto topics that are anything but golf – Gemma Atkinson anyone?

After a long lay off due to a knackered ankle I finally returned to the driving range to see if I still had the magic. The truth is that I haven’t. I was rustier than the face of a Mizuno Raw Haze wedge (new golf porn added to my list now that I’m boycotting all things Titleist). I thought my right ankle had recovered enough to flex like a pro but all I found was that it hurt like a bastard.

Undeterred I continued practicing, desperately trying to remember everything I learned from my one lesson but it wasn’t to be. Saying that, I was still hitting the ball further than I did before the lessons but my accuracy has gone to pot. I’m now slicing the ball more that I ever did but I’m sure it won’t take much to sort that out with the aid of a Pro and a few more lessons.

There were a couple of good things to come out of the session though. I’m hitting Dougie my Howson hybrid better than ever, it was flying further and more accurately than my driver which kinda freaks me out! When you read reviews about hybrids they gush about how forgiving they are and I can confirm this isn’t just journalists getting a back hander from the golf manufacturers. If you haven’t already, try/buy one and see for yourself.

The highlight of the night was testing one of my almost new Mizuno MP-R wedges. I took the 52* fella to the range to take part in the Yellow Basket Challenge and it didn’t disappoint. The magazines talk about the buttery feel of Mizuno wedges but it isn’t until you have chipped a few balls with them do you really understand what they mean. When you connected cleanly with the ball – which is easy as the head is so large – the ball glides off the clubface into the air. Feels fantastic.

I have fists of ham yet I was able to control the distance the ball travelled relatively easily which was a major surprise to me. With the exception of one shot, every ball I hit landed within a few feet of the target. To anyone passing by it would look like I knew what I was doing!!! The difference between my new wedge and the £10 Mac the Knife was like chalk and cheese.

At the end of the session I reflected on my workout. Overall I have took a step backwards slightly but encouragingly I’m not completely back at where I begun. I’m going to have a serious think about lesson’s…who knows, I might actually pay for them this time!!!

51 - Bringing A Little Colour Into Your Life...

Well I’ll go to the foot of our stairs, I've now posted over 50 messages on this blog. I honestly didn’t expect it to still be going my December or for me to be still into golf but it is and I am. To mark the occasion I’ve started work on the follow up to this site which will still have the same mix of game reports, golf porn drool and swearing but will hopefully look a little better.

I’ve had feedback that the blog looks good but it is in fact just someone else’s design that I have used. It was originally only supposed to be a temporary solution but it is still here months later. Don’t you think it is a bit too, well, grey? I’ve messed with some of the settings to make the text stand out more but it is still as miserable as a Manchester morning.

No, the only solution is a colourful new site to show off my writing skills (although I’m sure a number of you will think that brown would be an appropriate colour for the shit I spout on here). I’m going to knock up the shiny new gaff in the New Year with my future brother-in-law who is a first class website building smart arse.

Who knows, the new site might see me clean my act up. No more random rants about nothing in particular, properly constructed sentences and no more swearing! Stop sniggering at the back, I could do it…well, I could have a go at doing it! Watch THIS space.

50 - Unlikely TV Entertainment And Hot Shots In Singapore…

Lucky was telling me about a show he caught on Setanta Sports which looked like a Pro-Am competition. He saw a big, fat guy dressed head to toe in all the gear on a pristine American course and watched eagerly to see how someone so out of shape could be good enough to take part. The answer seemed to be that this bloke was definitely an ‘Am’ and was utterly useless!

Lucky’s missus couldn’t understand why he almost choked to death laughing when the guy on the TV took a massive divot up and rolled the ball about 15 feet. He started shouting at the screen “I can do that and he is on the telly!!!”. Eventually she told Lucky that he couldn’t be that bad and he just said “oh we have our moments”. The guy then proceeded to dribble hit tee shot into a pond when it was easier to hit the fairway and Mr & Mrs Lucky were in bits.

Conversely, I put Sky Sports on over the weekend and was amazed by the quality of the women playing in the Lexus Cup at the Singapore Island Country Club. It turns out it is LPGA event where Asia take on the Rest of the World. Along with the regular hotties like Paula Creamer there was an decent supply of Oriental eye candy firing the ball further, straighter and more consistently than I could ever dream of.

One player that caught my eye was 21-year-old Na Yeon Choi (above) from South Korea who was as cute as a button and smashed Ms Creamer all over the course in their game on the final day. The score was eventually 3&2 but Creamer was hanging on for about five holes before eventually taking one for the team (she had the last laugh though as the Rest of the World won the competition by a half).

At the other end of the scale from the lovely Ms Choi was an American player called Christina Kim who looked like a Chinese version of Rosanne Barr. Seriously. She is a little, podgy woman who waddled around the course looking like a tourist with a stupid grin on her face. Tell you what; she can’t half play though so kudos to her. In fact it was her who got the final point to win the game for the Rest of the World.

One thing that freaked me out was that the tournament was stopped for and hour and a half as it started raining. Big deal, it started raining, just get your Pak-a-Mac on and head to the next tee. The problem was that there was a very real chance that someone would die as that part of the world is notorious for lightning storms. I may moan about waterlogged fairways from time to time but I’m fairly certain I’ll get off the course alive unlike our friends in Singapore.

46 - £250 Off? Every Little Helps...

I hate being confused, which is a shame as golf confuses me daily. The latest head wrecker is the new clubs I’m going to get after Christmas. I’ve pretty much decided that I’m plumping for a set of Mizuno MX-100’s as they tick a lot of the boxes on my wish list. They are relatively cheap, they are ‘game improvement’ clubs and they have received good reviews in the magazines.

So what is the problem Rob? The problem is that I’ve just been to The American Golf Shop and found that I can pick up a brand new set of Callaway Big Bertha’s for a hundred quid less than the Mizuno’s. A set of Callaway irons (4-SW) for £269 (RRP £600), which are ‘game improvement’ clubs that have received good reviews in the magazines.

Hmmm. After a bit of research the deal isn’t quite as good as it first sounds. The Callaway’s are actually Big Berta 06’s meaning they have been about for around three years and aren’t exactly at the cutting edge when it comes to club technology. Although saying that, they aren’t exactly budget shite knocked up by a no name manufacturer from behind the former iron curtain either.

One of the reason’s I am getting a new set is to take advantage of the developments that have been made in club design in a desperate attempt to get better at this Goddamn game. So, do I choose the slightly older but almost certainly better quality Callaway’s or the brand new, totally up to date Mizuno’s?

The question gets more complicated with the aid of Google. A quick search shows that I can get my chubby little mitts on the Mizuno’s for a tenner more than the Callaway’s, which makes them even better in my eyes. Decisions, decisions.

Actually, what I think I’ll do is wait until the January sales and see what the shops have on offer. The imminent recession should help me get more for my money as the stores desperately clamour for cash that may well not be there. “£350 for those bats? Pah! What can you do? I want money off, I want custom fitting, I want a discount on hybrids and woods oh and throw in some other free shit”.

Come to think of it, American Golf actually do most of that with the Callaway’s and I bet if I turned up with an envelope stuffed with cash they would do it with the Mizuno’s too. For fuck sake, I’m back to square one.

42 – Sowing The Seeds Of Doubt…

After drooling over the new equipment being churned out by all and sundry I have convinced myself that a new set of bats is what I need. I have a dilemma though – can someone who is shit buy expensive clubs? Well of course they can. Should someone who is shit buy expensive clubs? Ah, that is a toughie in my opinion.

Is there anything worse that a beut with, as the guy on Bootle golf course said to me, “all the gear but no idea”, rocking up and hacking his way in front of you for five hours? I don’t wanna be that guy. There is a world of difference between paying £50 for a pair of gleaming white shoes and £500 for a set of unfeasibly shiny clubs…or is there? I’m confused.

Here is the thing though, I want to improve and I want to eek out any advantage I can which could mean buying bats more suited to my shitty game. The clubs I have now are Callaway Steelheads X16 which are supposed to be pretty good and I’m sure, in the hands of someone with a little talent, they will perform admirably. Is the problem me or the clubs? I’m betting it isn’t the clubs that got 9.5/10 in a Guardian review a few years ago.

Actually, that might be a point. The review I just dug up was from 2003 which means that by now the Callaway’s could be completely out of date in terms of technology and design although clubs don’t change that much in five years surely? I know there is an arms race when it comes to drivers but clubs are just, well, clubs aren’t they? Maybe not.

The mags keep banging on about ‘game-improvement’ clubs which make it easier to hit consistent shots more of the time. That sounds right up my street seeing as the only consistent thing about my golf at the minute is my inconsistency. It may sound up its own arse but it is true, I’m finding it difficult to hit the same shot twice.

So I should plump for a set of ‘idiot proof’ clubs until I improve and then get a better set. I can justify it to myself as I know I’ll play more if I’m enjoying it and the fact I’ve just spent a bomb on the things will make me get my moneys worth out of them. But in the back of my mind I would be conscious of being that tool on the first tee that everyone is sniggering at because he thinks he can just buy his way into the game.

Maybe a set of second hand clubs would be a good compromise but yet again I’d be using old technology? Christ on a bike, I haven’t been this confused since the first time I saw a diagram of a lady’s fun parts in a biology book.

41 - Pretty Coloured Holes and Gemma Atkinson…

I’ve been away, did you miss me? No? Bastards! I’ve been on a training course to learn how to ‘Maintain and Administer a Windows 2003 Server Environment’ – it was as interesting as it sounds – so I haven’t had much time to play golf. Actually, I have had NO time to play golf. I have had a chance to read Golf Whine Monthly though which is turning me on more and more.

From the looks of things the new equipment for next year is released in the autumn meaning the magazines are filled with obscenely attractive woods, shiny new clubs, pornographic wedges, alien looking putters and funky arsed bags. Some of the pages of my magazines are stuck together…but I don’t really want to go into that right now.

Golf clubs look good in my opinion. I like the shape of simple blade clubs, the minimalist design and the focus on the materials. Tell you what though, cavity backed clubs are the fucking shit! Have you seen some of the stuff coming out? The fact that there is a gaping wound in the back of the club seems to inspire the designers to go mad…or to just fill them with pretty colours to hoike in the morons. Hmmm…

Needless to say, just about every manufacturer has a new set of woods, irons, putters and wedges for 2009. All look fantastic but some more fantastic than others. By now you lot must know that I can’t go a whole article about equipment without talking about the Titleist Vokey wedges.

I have dark thoughts when I think of the Vokey; I want them more than Gemma Atkinson (right - feel free to click on the image for a better look) oiled up wearing nothing but a smile! Actually that is bollocks.

I need a cold shower…and a 56* Titleist Vokey with the oil can finish. If everyone who read this blog gave me £1 it would go some way towards me buying one. Unfortunately, seeing as there are only about five of you out there reading it, it would be a very short way. Never mind, I can see a Christmas present to myself coming up.

Anyway, not only does the Vokey look the absolute business, it is also the best wedge you can buy according to Golf Whine Monthly. In a recent group test with five other wedges from the likes of Callaway and TaylorMade it stood head and shoulders above the competition to receive one of the highest marks ever given. Due to the extra choice of shaft stiffness it has gone from one of the very best to THE very best.

See, and you lot thought I wanted one because it has a cool bronze finish which wears away until the club starts rusting to give it a battered ‘junk yard dog’ look. Ooops, I think I need another cold shower…

39 - Thouroughly Entertained For a Change...

The latest copy of Golf Whine Monthly found its way into my possession the other day and for the first time ever it thoroughly entertained me. Is this a sign that I’m now getting into golf enough to understand everything they are banging on about? Does it show that I’m eager to learn about what is happening in the world of golf? Or could it be that there is a new Titleist Vokey wedge out and they had pictures of it? You decide…

This year’s Vokey wedges come with three new shaft stiffness’s giving the range increased variety and making them more accessible to players of varying ability. The faces of the club are still ‘spin milled’ meaning the ball rotates faster than if struck with an average wedge which, in theory, gives the player more control.

But fuck all that, they still do the little beauty with an ‘Oil Can’ finish. I swear I get a semi on just thinking about the bronzed little minx! Interestingly they still do it boring arsed ‘Tour Chrome’ but now it also comes in pornographic ‘Black Nickel’. Oooh, it is almost as nice as the junkyard dog…I think I want one of both.

On the subject of new clubs there was an interesting letter from some clown who is as bad as me asking should he stick with the auld clubs he inherited a few years ago or invest in some new bats. The answer was simple; new ‘game-improvement’ clubs will provide more forgiveness and playability and help reduce handicaps. I’m sold.

Not only do the good people at Golf Whine Monthly say I need some shiny new clubs they also give a list of the best ones to buy. They reckon the Wilson Di9’s or the Mizuno MX-100’s (pictured above) are great and are available for under £400 which is a definite plus. They also mention some clubs I have already talked about on this blog; the TaylorMade Burner Plus and Ping’s Rapture V2 but they are crazy expensive.

In summary; the Wilson’s look cheap, the Mizuno’s look great (and have a blue highlight to them - nice), the TaylorMade’s look too up their own arse and the Ping’s look fucking awesome. At this moment the Mizuno’s seem a pretty good bet, especially as they are just £50 a club (this compares well when put up against the Ping’s which are over a ton a bat)! I can either buy a full set of the Mizuno’s or half a set of the Ping’s. Decisions, decisions…

Finally, there was a reply to the crying cunt who travelled all the way to Portugal to play on some swanky course but was pissed off because there were villas lining some of the holes. He said it made the place look like a posh housing estate but a couple of residents wrote in to call him a whining bastard. To be honest I agree with them. Like I said at the time, just get on with spanking the piss out of the ball and enjoy yourself for fuxake.

26 - Swanky Clubs, Cheap Hybrids And The RSPCA...

So, now I’m back into the game (and I’ve just been paid), I thought I would indulge in my new favourite pastime of drooling over golf porn (not the bunker babes (click here to check out what I’m talking about, it isn’t pictures of Eva Braun either, wrong sort of bunker) or the likes of Natalie Gulbis or Michelle Wie – do a search), I mean clubs ‘n shit.

I started flicking through the reviewed section of Golf Whine Monthly to see what was shiny and new and the answer was a fucking lot. Ping have got some weird aluminous green shafted monsters called Rapture V2 that look the absolute dogs bollocks. Apparently they are even good for people with high handicaps…I wonder what they are like for useless clowns like me though? Hmmm, might investigate.

Talking of clubs that are good for people with high handicaps, TaylorMade have whipped up a set of clubs called Burner Plus which are apparently “ultra, ultra forgiving”. The magazine goes on to say “Game improvers should strongly consider these new irons”. Well that is me sold! The only problem is, they are TaylorMade and I would look and even bigger bellend than I already do if I step up to the tee with a set of swanky clubs only to start hacking the shit out of the fairway/rough/bunker with them.

Anyway, that kit is off my radar until I’m good enough to be classed as shit (as opposed to fucking useless – the rating I have at the minute. I need to whip up a table showing my progress from where I started all the way up to my ultimate aim of average). I need to improve before I can justify the expenditure of a set of clubs which is why I’m experimenting with the likes of my £10 56* wedge. This brings me on to my latest purchase, a £10 Howson Comp Plus Hybrid Wood.

I’ve had a couple of cracks on the Driving Range with other people’s Hybrids and they felt good but I didn’t have enough time to practice to see if they were worth blowing cash on. I saw that little Howson on offer for just a tenner and thought it was a bit of a no-brainer buying it. When it arrives I’m going to give it a full test at the range to see if it will improve my game. Reading magazines and websites it seems these clubs are a revelation so I’m hopeful they can help me.

My golf bag has more mongrels in it than the local RSPCA dog’s home. The bulk of my bats are Callaway Steel Head irons and Big Bertha woods but there is also the Knife 56* wedge, the Howson Hybrid and the recently acquired Hippo John ‘Arthur’ Daly driver. Add to this a rogue Dunlop 6 iron that I noticed the other day and it is fair to say it is literally a mixed TaylorMade bag (which has a Nike umbrella and a Maxfli towel attached to it incidentally). I’m such a brand whore.

Richie has lectured me in the past about buying random stuff. “Will it improve your game?” is the chant from him. “Fuck that, does it look good?” is my retort. He has given up now and just tells me to buy whatever I like as he knows he will inherit it once I chuck the towel in and give up. At this rate he is going to have some utter shite in his bag!!!

19 - Golf Trinket...

Yesterday I had a choice. Go shopping with my better half and her mum for food or wander around JJB Sport drooling over golf porn. So I was standing there, surrounded by all manner of putters, wedges, drivers and clubs wondering again if there really is THAT much difference between the different makes and models? I can see that if you are good slight differences might help hone your game but for clowns like me does it matter?

I did finally get to see that Titleist Vokey wedge I was talking about the other week. As I thought, it is stunning (well I think so anyway). If you have seen one you will know that they have what Titleist describe as an ‘oil can finish’ which is a fancy way of saying it is like a bronze colour. As the club is used the coating starts to get worn away and the face starts to rust. This is deliberate as the rust makes the face rougher and helps the ball spin more thus giving more control. Genius. Personally I’m getting one because it looks good.

There were a couple on display in JJB, one that was brand new and one that had been swung a few times. The second one was starting to rust and looked even funkier than the pristine version. They cost £80 though which is a lot for what could end up a fashion accessory so I had to get some sensible advice.

“If you can’t hit a 9 iron properly what is the point in buying a lob wedge?” Richie’s advice wasn’t quite what I wanted to hear. He explained that I should only buy one if it is needed to improve my game and that buying one because it looks good is “fucking stupid”. Pah, what does he know?! In the end he said I could borrow his 60* wedge to see if it made any difference.

Try before you buy sounded tempting but not as tempting as the cheeky little 56* wedge I spotted on the rack. The wedge was made by a company called Knife and was available for a very reasonable £10. Even Richie was happy. Spending a tenner on a club I would discard after two weeks is a lot better than wasting £80 on a ‘golf trinket’. I was sold.

Richie said I should buy one of those golf ball tubes and spend a couple of hours on a field practicing my chipping to see if it was worth splurging on the Titleist. He even said he would give me a load of old golfy's to use and help me learn how to hit the ball properly. I must say that both Richie and Alan have been brilliant with advice and help since I took up this ridiculously difficult sport, I like to think I’m giving something back with the constant mentions in this soon to be award winning blog!!! ;)

I left JJB with a shiny new wedge, a golf ball tube and a new glove (I inherited a couple from Alan with my set but there is nothing like your own, is there?) When we got back to my better half’s mums she had a present for me in the shape of two dozen Dunlop Loco golf balls. Perfect, they went into my tube and I was ready to go. All I need now is for it to stop bastard raining.