175 - Kanga-cool...

When I first started this blog I wrote about designing my own little logo after seeing a Titleist advert showing how different Tour players mark their Pro V1’s (the point they were trying to make was that with so many players using their balls they had to mark them so there was no confusion – clever and smug, I approve).

I came up with some initial designs and eventually settled on my own stylized little kangaroo. The kangaroo incidentally comes from a nickname I got in college years ago so I thought it would be as good a thing as any to use for my logo seeing as it was quite unusual.

With my little stick figure ‘roo designed and refined I started drawing it on my golf balls. The problem is, golf balls have dimples and I don’t have a template or guide so getting the logo on the ball means me drawing it freehand which invariably means it goes all wobbly.

No, the only option is to get someone else to put the logo on for me which means looking to the professionals.

A quick look on the Internet shows there are lots of companies that will print text or images onto a golf ball for a relatively small charge.

Thankfully there is usually a wide choice of balls to select from too so I’m not going to be lumbered with my little logo plastered on something that is effectively a plastic covered stone or something that has all the flight characteristics of a house brick.

I asked my brother-in-law who is an all round smart arse when it comes to design to transfer my logo from a back of a napkin scribble into something that a printing company can use. After a couple of hours he had whipped up my professional looking little logo (above). I’m genuinely impressed!

Now that I have my design I intend to get it put on a box of Srixon AD333’s as soon as possible. I’m also getting it put on a couple of polo shirts too; there is a company that will embroider it onto an Adidas Climacool and a Nike Dri-Fit for a couple of quid extra.

Give it a couple of weeks and I’m going to look the part…or an utter, utter cock.

169 - Completely Owned...

It is a sad day for cool golf boys and girls. International bright young thing and golfing heartthrob Camilo Villegas is leaving Cobra Golf and joining TaylorMade-Adidas Golf (TMaG). I know, I know, I’m in bits too, I'm a man on the verge.

Puma recently announced that they had purchased Cobra Golf as part of their commitment to strengthening their growing and successful golf business and I was I was looking forward to seeing the combination of the two brands being strutted up the fairways by Camilo.

But my hopes have now been dashed as the three-time winner on the PGA Tour has signed an exclusive deal with TMaG that will see the Columbian completely decked out by his new sponsors from top to bottom.

It has been reported that this years The Honda Classic winner will play TaylorMade clubs, a TaylorMade ball, wear TaylorMade headwear, wear a TaylorMade glove, use a TaylorMade staff bag and wear Adidas Golf footwear. That is as close to being owned by a company as you can get I guess.

Mark King (not the bass player from Level 42 but the president and CEO of TMaG) said: "Camilo is a winner, a gentleman, and a fan favourite. Cameras tend to find him because he has presence and magnetism that's impressive and rare.”

‘Spiderman’ will join other TaylorMade Tour Staff including Darren Clarke, Sergio Garcia, Retief Goosen, Dustin Johnson, Martin Kaymer and Justin Rose. The deal is seen as a bit of a coup for TMaG as the 28-year-old is one of the most recognizable and cool players on the PGA Tour right now.

I’m genuinely a bit gutted that that one of the most charismatic players on the Tour has declined the chance of working with one of the more innovative and interesting golf manufacturers. I’m a fan of Adidas Golf too though so there could be some Villegas inspired goodness making its way into my wardrobe I suppose.

150 - Logo-A-Go Go...

Watching the Scottish Open I noticed how pro golfers are slowly but surely turning into Formula 1 cars. No, I don’t mean they are at the cutting edge of aerodynamics – a look at Darren Clarke and John Daley will confirm that – I’m talking about the way they are covered in sponsorship logos.

I read a while back that the fantastically fashion conscious Ian Poulter was told he could not participate in a competition wearing his Arsenal shirt because the O2 logo on the front of the football shirt was too big yet it seems perfectly acceptable to wear a shirt shot gunned with adverts.

The camera focused on Ross Fisher at Loch Lomond and I was taken by just how many brands he was wearing. He had Al Naboodah and Genworth Financial on the front of his shirt, Under Armour on the sleeves and Titleist, Pro V1 and the Footjoy FJ logo on his cap.

Normally I’d be appalled at this blatant commercialism but I think I can have a little fun with it. I might get some unofficial sponsorship deals in place before the end of the summer.

Who needs a behemoth of construction and investment like Al Naboodah when you can get local takeaway joint Jackymundos (where quality comes first) (left)?

Who needs a banking giant like Genworth Financial when you can have Liverpool’s very own Davy Liver Cabs (708-7080, if you need a cab just let us know, call Davy Liver cabs)?

I can almost see the sneers turning to anger when the Pringle brigade sees my Adidas Climacool shirt resplendent with Bimbo The Magic Clown (an entertainer with a difference) and a Dial A Drink logo (free nibbles with every order over £25).

I did some searching on the Internet and getting a logo on a branded shirt (Adidas, Nike or Glenmuir) will cost less than £5 which will be a bargain if it gets up the noses of the people who take the game much too seriously. I can also get fleeces, waterproofs, hats and umbrellas to completely look the part!

144 - Belt Up...

As the strange bloke from Bangkok who reads this little blog will tell you, I’m a bit of a snob when it comes to my golf gear but not in the way you might be thinking. I like playing golf but don’t necessarily like looking like the archetypical golfer; I start to physically heave if I see argyle for example. I try to pull off the ‘smart/casual’ look but with little success.

In the pursuit of fairway cool I have found myself looking at the poncy Golf Punk/Bunkered/Trendy Golf type websites scanning the latest and greatest from the catwalks of Paris, Milan and erm St Andrews to help me stand out from the crowd. Presently the only thing that makes me stand out from the crowd is the ferocity and variety of swear words I employ when I have a club in my hand.

While checking out this seasons must haves for skinny male models who have never swung a wrench in their lives I noticed a fascinating trend; it seems that no outfit can be complete without a white belt. I therefore need a white belt. To be honest I needed a white belt as I went out and bought one much to the amusement of my fiancée who thought the whole thing was hilarious.

Now, I wasn’t brave enough to buy a ‘bang on trend’ J Lindeberg belt so I settled for a snazzy Adidas number.

It is one of those webbing type belts that are thankfully one size fits all as I’m not a skinny male model who has never swung a wrench in my life, far from it as a matter of fact. Just to be on the safe side I ordered a black one too which looks almost as good.

Once I had decided to buy a golf belt I did a bit of obsessing and found that the market for a piece of material for keeping your kecks up is massive. Almost every manufacturer produces a belt ranging from boring black leather to those that glow in the dark with massive, gem encrusted buckles for the golfer that absolutely, positively must look a twat.

I’m keeping my eye on this sector of the golf market as it genuinely intrigues me. I like the idea of standing out a little but I’m not sure about paying over £70 for a strap of plastic with a polished chrome logo from a Scandinavian clothing manufacturer that even some golfers haven’t heard of. “J Lindberg? Wasn’t that an airship that blew up in New York?”

Who knows, I might embrace the fashion completely and get me one of those custom made buckles with my little kangaroo on it made up from Swarovski crystals. Or maybe not...

127 - New Clogs...

I’ve come to the conclusion that my lack of ability is all psychological and that by looking like a decent golfer I might actually play like a decent golfer. With this little nugget rattling around my brain I decided that a new pair of shoes would be just the thing to compliment my new enthusiasm for the most irritating sport on the planet.

There isn’t anything actually wrong with my current shoes, they have served me well over the last 18 months or so, but I’m convinced that new shoes would help propel me up the ladder from the much vaunted ‘muni-hacker extraordinaire’ to the heady heights of ‘utter golfing clown’ (you have got to have a dream, haven’t you?)

With my mind made up to buy a new pair of shoes I bought the best I could (within reason – I’m not buying a pair of personalised Footjoys for £150 or some leather soled, handcrafted clogs from a company that provided the first Open winner with shoes in 1422). After much internet perusing I’m now the proud owner of a pair of Adidas Tour 360 3.0 in glorious white/silver/green (below).

Normally retailing at £120 a pair, the new shoes were £68 delivered which is pretty good in my book. I was also able to select a wider fitting to ensure they were even more comfortable while I’m playing army golf on my local municipal.

The swanky new Adidas shoes join my swanky not-quite-as-new-but-still-in-the-box-because-I-haven’t-worn-them-yet Stuburt Oxy Pro shoes I bought just before the weather turned to shit. The Oxy Pro’s are big, clunky shoes famed for their comfort (it is down to some clever ’liquicell’ inserts apparently that control shear forces and friction zones within the shoe).

I could be ahead of the curve in the trend stakes here as Golf Whine Monthly recently reported that Stuburt will be making a big push this year to try and increase their market share. Their new range of clothing and shoes is more contemporary than ever before as they look to move away from being bought just by fans to being a more recognised brand.

One consequence of buying these shoes is that I now need to buy some fetching luminous green polo shirts to ensure I’m suitably coordinated as both the Adidas and the Stuburt feature the colour on the sole. Pretty soon you could see me (from some distance no doubt) prancing up and down the fairways like a dandy...or like a bloke wandering around wearing a Marks and Spencer carrier bag for a shirt.

114 - Three Stripes, Dozens Of Items...

After writing recently about my new Adidas rain suit I realised that I have a lot of golfing clobber from the German manufacturer with the three-stripe logo. I had a quick check of my course attire and discovered that most of it was made by Adidas yet I haven’t made conscious effort to buy their stuff. Why have I suddenly got a wardrobe full of Adidas?

It is no secret that Adidas make good stuff so I’m happy with the seemingly subliminal purchases I have made over the last twelve months I just didn’t realise how much I had picked up. I have bought jumpers, polo shirts, outer layers, pants, shoes and recently a rain suit all from the same company and all apparently subconsciously.

I can’t recall any of the adverts which no doubt litter Golf Whine Monthly trying to persuade me that the latest gear from Adidas will give me the edge on the course, will make me stand out in the clubhouse and will have women literally throwing themselves at me at the awards dinner. Maybe the German’s have mastered the art of the subliminal advert?

Actually, it is more likely that I have picked up all this kit because there are always tons of offers on for their stuff – I do like a bargain don’t you know?

I know that anything from Adidas will be decent quality and has the right image so buying their gear is usually a no brainer, especially if it looks good and comes in the right colours (always an important fact).

It is obvious that Adidas make golf clothing but I wondered if they produced clubs like other mass sport manufacturers do, Nike for example. A quick look on the Internet turned up a surprising answer; Adidas own TaylorMade. It turns out that the German company snaffled up TaylorMade in 1997 and has spent the last decade rebranding the club manufacturer to become one of the biggest names in golf.

This rebranding and collaboration has been so successful that in 2005 the company officially became the number one name in drivers with more tour pros using their woods than all the other major brands put together. In 2006 TaylorMade-Adidas Golf as the combined company is know made $1billion in revenue.

Now I know that TaylorMade is part of the Adidas family I’m surprised I haven’t been hoodwinked into buying an R9 driver, R7 irons, a Rosso putter or some Burner golf balls. Wonder if the usual suspects have any offers on at the moment...

112 - No Wet, Wet, Wet...

Well the weather is definitely turning now; it is noticeably colder and wetter than it was just a few weeks earlier. With this in mind I went through my old golf bag to check the condition of the gear I have to see if it is still up to the job. It didn’t take long to realise that some of my kit is not only unfit to use but would be rejected by Oxfam.

The main culprit is my bargain basement Dunlop rain suit which I picked up last year as a quick solution to the problem of the great British weather. In Italy they have a saying; ‘temporary solutions become permanent quickly’ and this is definitely the case when it comes to the shoddy little shell suit I bought from Sports Soccer last year.

On paper (and in the shop) the Dunlop suit ticked a lot of boxes. It was waterproof, it was black, it was lightweight, they had it in my size and, most of all, it was cheap. Buying it was a bit of a no brainer at the time, in hindsight I wish I had used the auld grey matter just a little bit more.

The main problem with the Dunlop rain suit I bought is that it isn’t waterproof. Ok, so it isn’t a top end Gore-Tex garment designed to repel a tsunami, but this thing isn’t even shower proof.

In fact if it is worn in any weather you get wet as it doesn’t stop the rain from getting in or allow the moisture from your body to get out. The long and short of it is that the suit is close to useless so I decided to by a better one.

The normal online emporiums were bursting at the seams with waterproof jackets, pants and complete suits at vastly reduced prices.

The problem with most of these garments was that they were last season’s stock that they couldn’t sell. Now I’m not so snobby that I won’t buy clothes because it isn’t this year’s designs but I do draw the line when they come in vile pastel colours.

There were endless FootJoy DryJoy jackets that had up to 70% off the RRP; all of them baby blue and some beige/magnolia blend – horrible. I was desperate for a quality suit (or just jacket at a push) but I wasn’t going to settle for something in a colour that could be compared to baby vomit or stomach bile.

I spent a long time searching and was about to give up when I stumbled across an Adidas rain suit (above) on eBay. It was brand new, had a decent ‘Buy It Now’ price, was in my size and, most importantly for me, come in plain old black. It arrived the other day and is absolutely fantastic as it fits like a glove, is actually waterproof, has special breathable material and looks great. Job done.

85 - The Oakley Cokey...

So the other day I was moaning about the Lyle & Scott brigade and agreeing with Chris Evans when he said that he likes golf he just doesn’t like looking like a golfer. With this in mind I went on a bit of an online shopping spree to stock up on some new fairway clobber that looked as far removed from the diamond jumper and slacks set as possible.

I’ll be honest, I haven’t got the right ‘build’ for the more designer kit out there – you need snake hips and pecks (not moobs) to pull the desired look off, which means I’m kinda out of luck. I need something a little more casual, something with a more relaxed fit if you know what I’m getting at? Ok, something to cover my ever-expanding gut!

Being a fussy sod I also wanted to steer away from the label encrusted gear that seems the norm in the golf world.

On the subject of labels, it was bad enough when company’s splashed their names all over you clothing but now they have started teaming up to do it. I noticed that recently TaylorMade and Adidas have teamed up to produce a range that is covered in logos – nice.

I like the idea of wearing stuff that isn’t the norm on the course without overstepping the all-important rules, which got me looking at brands I wouldn’t normally associate with golf.

One of these brands was Oakley who are more famous for their sunglasses and surf wear than their involvement in golf (although they do provide someone called Ricky Barnes (left) with his apparel).

A quick look at their range show plenty of casual polo shirts with subtle logos, less formal looking chino/Dockers/cargo type pants and stylish caps. It is the type of stuff you could wear away from the course without looking like you have just finished a round and haven’t had time to get changed. It is right up my street so I ordered a load of it!

The next time I’m at the local municipal I’m gonna look good, resplendent in my slacker-fit cargo pants and loose polo shirt safe in the knowledge that I have the appropriate attire on without a hint of knitwear, pastel slacks or logo infested caps. Oh yeah, and some of it isn’t even black!

15 - It’s All About Looking The Prat, I Mean Part…

After much searching I finally found a garment that no golfer should be without. As I type a Woodworm cotton slipover from the Ernie Els 2008 range is winging its way to me (in case you hadn’t worked it out a slipover is a sleeveless jumper). Next on my list is a pair of plus four kecks. I think it is important to look the part even if you can’t actually play the fucking game.

As expected the top is black. Black is rapidly becoming my trademark. I’m the Roy Orbison of amateur golf in the north Liverpool area only without the shades…or the quiff…or the voice…and I’m alive. I also splurged on a couple of caps which are obviously black and could, from a distance, look like a quiff I suppose thus making the Orbison comparison valid again.

On the subject of clobber, why don’t manufacturers like Adidas cater for the salad dodgers out there? If, as expected, darts becomes an Olympic sport then Adidas will be fucked when trying to kit out Phil ‘The Gut’ Taylor for the Team GB parade at the opening ceremony. What are they going to do, wrap him in a giant Union Jack and then stitch it up like a massive nappy?

Even Nike are uncharacteristically limited in their sizing considering they come from the country that invented gluttony. They can make a basketball shirt to fit one of those room sized grazers that get fork lifted onto the back of a flatbed lorry to appear on the Sally Jessy Springer show yet they can’t do a golf shirt that fits a podgy bloke from Liverpool, England.

You’d think, given that half of their target customers are so fat they have their own zip (post) code that they would do bigger sizes but no. Either that or I’m looking in the wrong place in which case I apologise unreservedly for using tired and frankly obvious stereotypes to describe the American massive.

I bet the reason Craig Stadler retired because Nike didn’t do a top to fit him. The poor sod was desperate for an XXXXXXL shirt but the fascists in Oregon simply wouldn’t make it. You don’t see much of John Daley anymore do you? He was last seen in ‘Sports American Soccer Yaaall’ looking for a pair of natty Adidas kecks to fit his bit fat arse but they only go up to 38. Cunts.

02 - Merch...

In an attempt to rekindle my love for a sport that was clearly devised by a sadist, I immersed myself in the wonderful, wonderful world of merchandise. Before you could say “stop buying shit off the internet” I was buying shit off the internet. Balls, caps, head covers, whips, chains the lot.

The next day I took a wander around Sports Soccer or whatever it is called (that place in the corner of Speke Retail Park, near the Marks & Spencer, not the food Marks & Spencer by Argos but the one that sells all the bras and that…near Borders, well not THAT near but closer than Argos. By Next and Clinton Cards. In the corner, sort of behind the O2 shop…actually no, the O2 shop is further away than Borders isn’t it?)

Anyway, I went there and had a look around at the stuff on offer. As I’m a newcomer to the whole golf world I needed one of anything to be honest. I bought some essentials first including a trolley and some waterproofs. Because I’m not as svelte as I used to be I had to buy an XXL rain suit which was a problem. The jacket fitted well but the kecks were clearly tailored for a Basketball player or one of the Portsmouth team. The bottoms trailed along the floor like Princess Diana’s wedding dress, if her dress was made out of blue shell suit material.

I also bought 15 Dunlop balls with the sole intention of smacking them away as everyone I have spoken too reckons the range balls are utter crap and don’t feel or travel like proper balls. Hopefully it is the range balls fault that all my drives take a right turn after leaving the club face and not the fact that I’m about as much use as tits on a fish when it comes to swinging the wrenches.

After the waterproofs, balls and trolley I had shoes on my mind. A mate in work told me to get white shoes as he said he always feels special when he has to put his white shoes on and that it makes him feel good. I think he is weird but I fancied a pair trabs that looked like bowling shoes, or spats. The Bugsy Malone look is a good look I say.

I settled on a swanky pair of white Adidas shoes. They have some coating on them and are guaranteed to be waterproof for a year. Got a size bigger under advisement of numerous mates and the bloke in the shop then topped the whole thing off with a thick pair of golf socks. They are dead comfy and I look like I know what I’m doing which is important. Alan was clearly impressed with my shoes when he said “They’ll be a cunt to clean”. I’ve done well.