105 - Quote/Unquote...

Golf is a good walk spoiled. - Mark Twain

Bad Sausage and five bogeys will give you a stomach ache every time. - Miller Barber

My goal this year is basically to find the fairways. - Lauri Peterson

When you start driving your ball down the middle, you meet a different class of people. - Phil Harris

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf - it's almost a law. - H. G. Wells

The only way to enjoy golf is to be a masochist. Go out and beat yourself to death. - Howard Keel

For most amateurs the best wood in the bag is the pencil. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

Pebble Beach and Cypress Point make you want to play golf, they're such interesting and enjoyable layouts. Spyglass Hill, now that's different; that makes you want to go fishing. - Jack Nicklaus

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. - Jim Bishop

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool. - George Brett

104 - Forever Autumn...

Every year, when the editors are looking for something to fill their pages, Golf Whine Monthly will have ‘the big debate’ where members of the editorial team will argue the pros and cons of summer golf over winter golf. Although there are many valid and well reasoned points I find myself sinking beneath waves of apathy as, for me, autumn golf is the way forward – all the benefits of summer and winter without the drawbacks from either.

We all know that the weather is a big factor in golf and playing in beautiful sunshine on a warm day sounds idyllic. Unfortunately the weather in this country is rarely like that. In the summer months it is either torrential rain or a normally unheard of heat wave. Trying to concentrate on the million things that need to be done to get the ball to fly where you want it while being cooked in your own juices as the sun beats down is no fun whatsoever.

The winter is no better as, apart from the obvious risk of frostbite that occurs on the course at that time of year, there are the rock hard fairways and stupid winter greens to contend with.

Add freezing rain and hail to the mix and playing golf in winter can be as enjoyable as invasive bowel surgery...performed by an inexperienced junior doctor...without aesthetic...in a back street surgery...in Bangkok.

No, golf in the autumn is a much better prospect in my book. The trees are starting to turn and flash yellows and reds (right) around the fairways breaking up the blanket of green we are usually faced with, it is cooler than just a few weeks before meaning I don’t end up a complete sweaty mess on the final green and there seems to be less ‘traffic’ at the course which is definite bonus.

I’ll try and arrange a round with next week after work before we start to lose the light as the winter nights draw in. If we can get on the first tee for around 14:30-15:00 then we should just about finish before it goes dark although it is a while since I’ve played so there could be a fair bit of Army Golf on show which obviously takes longer!

Before that I need to get down to the range to blow the cobwebs away. It has been a while since I’ve ventured to the range which is bad as I know I need to practice as much as I can. The last time I went I had a bit of a hallelujah moment which I’m keen to try and replicate plus I want to test out my new (that turn out to be old) clubs some more. So that is the plan, I’ll let you all know how I get on.

103 - Three Weeks Old And Already Retired...

I recently bought my first set of new golf clubs. After months of research, comparison and debate I finally settled on Mizuno’s award winning MX-200’s as they offered a good combination of forgiveness and flexibility while still being a forged club which delivered feedback and feel. I was all set to buy them when I spotted an offer on a set of Mizuno MP-57’s and that was all she wrote as the American’s would say.

I’m now the proud owner of a set of MP-57’s which are classic Mizuno blades. According to the manufactures website and the magazines these clubs are aimed at the lower handicap players who still want a little forgiveness along with feel and shot shaping capabilities. They have gorgeous, clean looks and feature Mizuno’s famous ‘Cut Muscle’ cavity technology which gives clueless clowns like me some control over the ball.

I was happy that I had bought a set of clubs that, while not being the very latest on offer from Mizuno, were still new enough to be promoted on their website. My happiness was cut short when I opened the latest edition of Golf Whine Monthly to find that the boffins from Osaka had brought out four new sets of clubs including the MP-58’s which are a direct replacement for the shiny, new clubs I’d just purchased!

I hurried to the Mizuno website and found that my clubs had been ‘retired’ and replaced with the new 58’s (left). To add insult to injury the replacement clubs are ever so slightly better in all areas than mine!

The ‘Cut Muscle’ cavity has been developed into a ‘Dual Muscle’ insert which includes a lump of titanium to help lower the centre of gravity and increase forgiveness. I WANT A LUMP OF TITANIUM IN MY CLUBS GODDAMMITT!!!

The new clubs have a thinner top line and sole than mine which improves the look at address, the new titanium weight makes them more workable than mine and the perimeter weighting is increased on them for more stability. They are some of the most technologically advanced clubs that Mizuno have produced and, in the right hands, will no doubt have the ball finding fairways and greens all over the world.

It is fair to say that I was initially gutted when I read up on the 58’s although having slept on it and looking at it from the ‘half full’ angle my clubs did cost about half the price, they look so much nicer than the new model and despite all the extra engineering I’m certain I wouldn’t see the benefit right now as my stance is wrong, my grip is suspect and my swing is all over the place! After initially throwing my toys out of the pram I can now honestly say that I’m happy with my clubs.

102 - Groove Is In The Heart...

So the powers at be who ruin, sorry run golf have concluded that the professionals are receiving too much help from the club manufacturers and have decided to outlaw the use of ‘u’ grooves on clubs – the miserable sods. Now that the spin police are on their backs the big companies are trying everything they can to provide the same amount of control without falling foul of the latest rules.

For those of you who don’t know, the ‘u’ referred to describes the shape of the groove on the face of your wedges if you examined them carefully. In the old days grooves where cut in a ‘v’ shape which made the ball spin nicely but the introduction of the new shape enabled professionals to control the ball a lot more which, according to the powers at be, is making it too easy for them.

Because the ‘u’ grooves are wider at the bottom than the ‘v’ type any water/sand/soil that gets picked up as the club hits the ball has less effect on your Bridgestone Tour B330, allowing it to spin more. This additional spin equals additional control for professionals – something the governing bodies don’t like this one bit, they seemingly don’t want to see the players producing amazing shots around the green, delighting the crowds and TV audiences...

With the restrictions scheduled to be put in place in the next few years the club manufacturers are already on the case trying to find a way around the restrictions.

Mizuno have announced that their new range of chippers have something called ‘quad cut grooves’ which conform to the new regulations already while still giving professionals the maximum performance. Mizuno are stickin’ it to the man!

The Japanese club wizards are proud to let everyone know how much work they have done to produce these lovely little grooves. As the name suggests the channels are made using four separate cuts to produce grooves that conform to the new rules while still allowing decent players to manipulate the ball any which way they want. No doubt the law makers will be harrumphing at Mizuno’s efforts and meeting to move the goalposts again next year.

All this engineering excellence is fine but the most important point about the new wedges is their looks! The picture above shows the new wedges in all their splendour. It is fair to say that the RAW Black Satin finish is trouser tighteningly good and the MP-T10 is, in my opinion, now the best looking wedge on the market along with the Oil Can Titleist Vokey (which the definition of golf porn!)

So the battle between the governing bodies and the club manufacturers enters a new chapter. The rule makers want the players to use skill not technology to win tournaments, the players are demanding increased performance from their equipment and the manufactures are using all their guile to keep one step ahead of the regulations. While all this is happening I’m still chipping the ball clean over the green regardless of what I use.

101 - Sixth Monday Rant - Catch 22...

When I started playing golf last year I was pretty confident that I would be reasonably good at it quite quickly as I used to knock a ball up and down a field with a rusty, leather gripped 4 iron with ease when I was a kid and I’m quite good at anything I put my mind to usually. I’m annoyed to find that isn’t as easy as I thought.

Despite spending hours and hours at the driving range I have failed miserably to achieve the simple goal of hitting the same shot twice in one session. I’m not saying I haven’t improved its just that I haven’t improved enough which in turn saps the motivation out of me and if I’ve not motivated I have a habit of throwing the towel in rather than to stick at it.

The obvious answer is for me to get some lessons or pester the life out of my friends until they agree to help me over this hump. The thing is, I hate being rubbish at anything, let alone something as frustrating as golf, and it makes me want to walk away in a sulk. I’m never going to do it, I’ve spent too much on golf porn and I’ve got a subscription to Golf Whine Monthly to think about!

No, I need to dig in and get on with it but I simply can’t find the motivation to do it. I’ve got a gaggle of friends slavering to help my yet the spark has seemingly gone – frustration has won. This may sound sad to some of the more eager players out there but I’m seriously struggling to be bothered with golf right now.

I explained to my good friend Richie that I have never enjoyed a round of golf. He vowed to drag me around a course and MAKE me enjoy it – yeah, didn’t make sense to me either! I think if I got to a level where I was hitting half of the fairways from the tee, finding the odd green with my long irons or just two putting then I would have a different outlook but right now I feel a million miles away from that.

Maybe Richie is on to something; maybe the problem is that I’m looking at the game the wrong way around. I’m focussing so much on getting better that I can’t enjoy the game but if I went out there and just played for enjoyment I’d almost certainly improve because I was playing more often. I think I’ve just had an epiphany!!!

Right, that is it, I’m going to take an afternoon off this week, drag my carcass to the local municipal and try my best to have a laugh as I whack my ball from rough to bunker to woods. Who cares what my score is? Who cares how many balls I lose? The important thing is that I WILL enjoy it. And like that my motivation is back…I’m so fickle!

100 - Still Here...

Well who’d have thunk it, 100 posts to this little blog? To be honest I didn’t think it would still be going past last summer but it has survived a whole year now despite my clear lack of writing ability, clumsy articles and sometimes questionable content. Hey, I’m not complaining, I think I’ve done well to last this long. Thank you for your loyal support – both of you who read it.

So what has happened in a year? Well I’ve taken up golf, discovered it is the most spiteful, annoying son-of-a-bitch sport on the planet, spent enough money at the driving range to pay for my own course, bought two sets of golf clubs and all manner of accessories and clothing (mostly black). Oh and I’ve played the odd round too but nowhere near enough if I’m being honest.

I’ve learnt a lot about myself over the last year – mostly that I can’t play golf, I have no patience whatsoever, I get way too annoyed with inanimate objects (usually small, white objects covered with dimples as it happens), I’m obsessed with wedges, I’m obsessed with Mizuno and I need to be careful what I say on this blog as big corporations have a habit of reading it.

So what has gone well over the last year? Well I’m certainly a better player than when I first went to the driving range 12 months ago, but not THAT much better to be honest. I can’t use my driver but the 3 wood with the stiff shaft I bought the other week at least gives me a fighting chance off the tee. My £10 Howson hybrid is like some sort of magic wand and I’m not bad with a wedge.

The list of things that haven’t gone well is considerably bigger. I haven’t played enough, I gave up on the sport twice, I knackered my ankle and couldn’t play at all for three months, I reached a certain level of ability then didn’t improve and I didn’t join the golf society after pledging my support at their annual general meeting. All in all, nothing to be proud of in that little lot but it does give me a foundation to build upon.

In summary, I am in a marginally better position than I was last year but still nowhere near where I want to be. I have all the gear and still no idea which is irritating the life out of me. The most annoying thing is that all I need to do to edge closer to my goal of being ‘just rubbish’ at this sport is to put in a bit of practice with my mates who are more than willing to help. The next 12 months have got to better than the last.

99 - Quote/Unquote...

In 1981, Tom Sieckmann won the Philippine Open, the Thailand Open and the Singapore Open, leaving him second only to the US Marines for victories in the Pacific. - Gary Nuhm

I'd like to see the fairways more narrow. Then everybody would have to play from the rough, not just me. - Seve Ballesteros

The greens (at Winged Foot Golf Club, New York) are harder than a whore's heart. - Sam Snead

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. - George Deukmejian

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best. - Jack Nicklaus

Golf. You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks. - Anonymous

Why am I using a new putter? Because the old one didn't float too well. - Craig Stadler

They say I'm famous for my chip shots. Sure, when I hit 'em right, they land just so, like a butterfly with sore feet. - Lee Trevino

I was swinging like a toilet door on a prawn trawler. - David Feherty

By the time you get to your ball, if you don't know what to do with it, try another sport. - Julian Boros

98 - Golf Shorts - PGA Championship...

This week’s Golf Shorts is dominated by the recent PGA Championship event at Hazeltine. From the shock win to the foulmouthed rants, the philosophical outlook of a nearly man to the International Bright Young Thing tipped for greatness, from the Englishman quietly climbing the World Rankings to bookmaker that lost out big time there is plenty to talk about. Let’s start with the new lifestyle of the now rich and now famous Yang Yong-eun.

There are many perks to being a PGA Champion, the most obvious being the prize money and increased revenue from sponsors. With his win at Hazeltine the South Korean (below) picked up a tasty £820,000 bringing his season earnings to £1.95m. As the champion he will be in demand and it is estimated he could receive another £900,000 in appearance fees too. Not bad for a relatively unknown player who was 150/1 at the start of the tournament.

But it isn’t all about the Benjamin’s. As a Major winner he is exempt from qualification for five years, will receive complimentary first-class travel to events, be put up in the best hotels and will even have his own parking space! Yes, his own parking space! As the big cheese he will also benefit from more conveniently scheduled tee times, something that can have a positive impact on a golfer’s game apparently.

If Yang was the big winner there is little doubt that Tiger Woods was the biggest loser on the course that day. The most recognisable golfer on the planet had a comfortable lead going into the last round but a series of missed putts combined with some stunning shots from the South Korean meant that Woods lost by 3 shots. To add insult to injury Eldrick was caught on TV swearing after missing his par putt at the 17th, when he repeatedly shouted the word "f***". Naughty Mr. Woods.

Another epic fail came in the shape of Padraig Harrington who was a serious contender until he decided to play like seasoned muni hacker. The Irishman was going along quite nicely until the eighth hole when he eventually holed out for an impressive quintuple bogey that effectively ended a challenge that had looked so promising.

The likeable Dubliner was philosophical about his exploits at the eighth: “It was a difficult tee shot and it was obviously a difficult second shot after you hit it in the water and pulled it into the rough. I had been changing my chipping action a little, and I probably was more into what I was doing rather than trying to get the ball up-and-down, and I hit a bad shot. So these things happen.”

Things went better for young Rory McIlroy (below) as he recorded his best finish at a Major tournament. The 20-year-old with the comedy hair finished joint third with fellow Brit, Lee Westwood. While all around him struggled, McIlroy managed to sink birdies at the third, fourth, fifth and ninth to finish the round three under par. This was his best result, eclipsing the 10th-place finish at this year’s US Open.

Westwood’s reward for finishing 3rd was to move back into the top ten in the World Rankings: 1 Tiger Woods 14.24pts, 2 Phil Mickelson 7.96, 3 Paul Casey 6.58, 4 Kenny Perry 6.11, 5 Henrik Stenson 5.93, 6 Steve Stricker 5.85, 7 Sergio Garcia 5.68, 8 Geoff Ogilvy 5.49, 9 Lee Westwood 5.24, 10 Stewart Cink 5.10. In addition Westwood has also sneaked into fourth place in European Tour's 'Race To Dubai' money list.

And finally

Irish Bookmakers Paddy Power were left fuming after Woods snatched defeat from the jaws of victory at Hazeltine. Renowned for settling its bets early, they paid out to all backers of Woods after just 36 holes when the world number one was four shots clear at odds of 1/5. This slip up cost them a whopping £1.3m but Paddy Power are still quids in after Harrington’s charge faltered at the 8th.

"It takes a special kind of dimwit to turn what should have been our best ever golf result into our worst," the company said in a statement. "Paddy Power punters are obviously the big winners here and have made like bandits getting paid out on Tiger as a winner. Our only saving grace is that Harrington didn't do the business, thank God!"

97 - Geeky Fetishes And Snobby Aspirations...

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I like playing golf but don’t really like looking like a golfer which is why I decided to buy clothes from Oakley, a company not normally associated with golf. I also talked about the good advice I received when I first got into golf a year ago suggesting I spend a bit of money on some decent golf shoes which is why when looking for a new pair I went for some that were not your usual clogs.

I wanted a pair of all black shoes as they look less like golf footwear and are also easier to keep clean. I had a flick through Golf Whine Monthly and everything seemed to point to a pair of FootJoy’s but after my mini run in with Acushnet (the parent company of Titleist, Cobra and FootJoy) I decided to give my hard earned beer tokens to someone else.

There is a lot of choice out there but when I found a pair of shoes that were reassuringly expensive and had inert gas inserts from a strange sounding company I was sold! The company is Stuburt and the shoes are the funky sounding Oxygen Pro (left). The geek in me was intrigued by the inserts and the snob loved the fact that no-one else would have them (or possibly even heard of them).

They are big, clunky, shoes that have full leather uppers with a patented membrane to keep your feet totally dry. Inside there is a ‘liquicell foot bed’ which apparently reduces friction and heat while increasing blood flow to your feet – I think that is a fancy way of saying that the innersoles aren’t your average Odour Eater crap.

I’m very impressed by how comfortable the shoes are, it is like wearing slippers. I’m looking forward to seeing how well they perform in the pouring down rain in 2 inches of mud and how easy it is to keep them looking good.

96 - Lets Twist Again...

Hot on the heels of my delicious new Mizuno MP-57’s came another golf purchase. Although my shiny new clubs looked fantastic just laying on the couch, aching to be stroked, my lovely fiancée told me I had to get them shifted which meant buying a new golf bag. There is a lot of choice out there when it comes to bags although they can be broadly broken down into four different types, each with their own plus and minus points.

Pencil Bags – These are designed to be as light as possible for when there is no need to lug things like waterproofs around. These are usually the cheapest bag option and are a convenient, no frills way to hoik around a handful of clubs for a quick 9 holes in the sun.

Stand Bags – These bags are carried over the shoulder and have two foldaway legs which support the bag when not being used. Stand bags are bigger than pencil bags and have extra pockets to store clothing and sometimes come with compartments to store water bottles, scorecards and mobile phones.

Trolley/Cart Bags – Usually wider and taller than stand bags to provide even more room for clubs and accessories. As they are designed to be strapped to a trolley or fixed on a cart they don’t have folding legs but will stand up on their own due to having a bigger base. These bags are generally more expensive than the stand bags.

Tour Bags – See the bag that YE Yang was holding above his head after winning the recent PGA Championship at Hazeltine? That is a tour bag. They are the biggest, most expensive and arguably most garish bags available and have everything the best players in the world need.

What I needed was something that was light like a pencil bag, had legs like a stand bag for when I was feeling energetic, could be bolted to a trolley for when I’m not and had plenty of space for all the assorted crap needed for a game in the depths of the British winter. Continuing with the Mizuno obsession I looked around and decided on the Twister III bag (above).

The Twister III is a stand bag with some clever touches. Although it has foldaway legs it has been designed to also fit onto a trolley or cart to offer the best of both worlds. In addition, it has a large wrap around pocket used to store clothes etc that can be taken off to convert it almost into a pencil bag for those trips abroad.

It took some looking but I eventually found the bag in the ‘Staff’ colours of blue and white (everything has to match don’t you know?) It arrived the other day and is fantastic although I did think I needed to buy a rain hood for it until I discovered one tucked in a pocket I had missed on first inspection. Like my clubs, it is almost too good to use but I’m going to bite the bullet and parade it up and down the local municipal.