88 - Fourth Monday Rant - Cover Flaps...

When I started doing these Monday rants I mentioned that some of them would be serious, some not so serious and some just plain stupid. Today is a stupid day. Well you lot will probably think it is stupid but it is something that annoys the life out of me. The subject of today’s rant is cover flaps on magazines. There is a very obvious joke about flaps on the cover of magazines and publications like Playboy, Hustler and Penthouse. I’m not going to stoop to that level.

A cover flap, for those who are wondering what the hell I’m going on about, is when the magazine producers decide to whore themselves to one of the big manufacturers and put an advert behind the front cover underneath two flaps. Before you get to the advertisement laden publication there is the pleasure of a double page spread announcing the latest and greatest in golf tee technology from TaylorMade.

When FootJoy have an insert within the magazine promoting the massive leaps in shoelace design they have made it forces me to grimace, when my copy of Golf Whine Monthly arrives with a free supplement explaining how Callaway’s new towel will change the way I play golf forever I start twitching like someone from One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest but flaps on the cover of magazines send me over the edge.

These extra revenue generating pains in the arse probably seem like a good idea to the Editor in Chief of the publication but all they do is drive me to absolute distraction. I think I have a bit of OCD going on as I like to keep my magazines in pristine condition even after they have been pored over, scrutinised and fingered. The extra flaps make this exercise that bit more difficult as the cover almost always curves up like some creepy triffid.

The extra bits of cover also make it a little more difficult to hold the magazine when reading it. Don’t believe me? Try it. The front of it lolls around like a love sick teenager sitting next to the girl of his dreams when babysitting in her aunt’s house in the summer holidays...or something. Anyway, it doesn’t help the reading experience one bit.

We pay £4 for a magazine that is already filled with adverts for everything you could possibly imagine using in the sport of golf yet they still try and ring out a few more quid from the manufacturers by offering up the front cover. To me it is like publication prostitution but, unlike the ladies of low moral fibre who offer themselves up to men, once the flaps are open it is difficult to get them shut again.

(I’ve just read that article back again and there is so much innuendo in it I was toying with calling it ‘Carry On up the Fairway’. I apologise to anyone who I’ve offended).

87 - Quote/Unquote...

If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him. - Bob Hope

Our guess is that the inventor of scopolamine, the truth-forcing drug, grew weary of listening to golf scores. - Colorado Springs Gazette

Some guys get so nervous playing for their own money, the greens don't need fertilising for a year. - Dave Hill

I don't care to join any club that's prepared to have me as a member. - Groucho Marx

Some players would complain if they had to play on Dolly Parton's bedspread. - Jimmy Demaret

I'm hitting the driver so good, I gotta dial the operator for long distance after I hit it. - Lee Trevino

According to locker-room lore, the name golf arose by default - all the other four-letter words had already been taken. - George Pepper

Any game where a man 60 can beat a man 30 ain't no game. - Burt Shotten

Golf is an ineffectual attempt to direct an uncontrollable sphere into an inaccessible hole with instruments ill-adapted to the purpose. - Sir Winston Churchill

It's not polite to pick up a lost ball before it stops rolling. 
- Anonymous

86 - Golf Shorts: Tiger / Mickelson / Buick / Schmidt...

The papers, sports sites and blogs have been quick to sharpen the knife (then stick it to Eldrick) this week. If Tiger Woods doesn’t win the upcoming PGA Championship at Hazeltine, he will finish 2009 without a major title. This, it seems, is a disaster despite the great man already racking up four victories this season. I’m sure Woods will be gutted if he goes a whole year without a major victory to his name but he can always console himself by checking his bank balance.

Phil Mickelson (below) returned to the PGA Tour after missing the last six weeks to care for his wife and mother after both where diagnosed with breast cancer. "Things at home are going much better. We've had a great six weeks," said Mickelson. "We're in a much better place now than we were. I'm excited about that. I'm excited about the chance to play a little golf too." The world number 2 took part in the Bridgestone Invitational in Akron, Ohio ahead of next week's PGA Championship.

In a moment of common sense Buick confirmed they will no longer be sponsoring golf tournaments. Buick’s parent company General Motors are making workers redundant as the global recession hits hard so it would be in extreme bad taste for them to splash the cash to get their name plastered all over the TV footage from one of the immaculate courses dotted around the US.

It isn’t just Buick pulling out; there are at least another 10 tournaments in America that could be without a main sponsor after 2010 as the big corporations tighten their belts and slash their advertising budgets.

And finally...

Most players would give anything to be a professional but one man was planning on taking the United States Golf Association to court to reinstate his amateur status.

The fantastically named Dusty Schmidt recently dropped a lawsuit against the governing body when he was advised by his legal team that he probably wouldn’t win.

Schmidt is a former top junior golfer who went on to play professionally but took a break from the sport when he suffered a heart attack in 2004 aged just 23. While recuperating he started playing online poker and now is one of the games top players earning over $3m in prize money. When his health improved in 2006 he successfully applied to regain his amateur status but it all went wrong this April when he issued a $1m challenge on his website for a combined poker and golf competition.

As Schmidt was playing for cash the USGA revoked his amateur status. Schmidt refuted the decision because no-one took him up on the challenge so he didn’t actually play for money! The golf association ignored his plea because the challenge was "detrimental to the best interests of the amateur game." The poker ace is now back in training and is hoping to compete in some professional events. If you can’t beat ‘em eh?

85 - The Oakley Cokey...

So the other day I was moaning about the Lyle & Scott brigade and agreeing with Chris Evans when he said that he likes golf he just doesn’t like looking like a golfer. With this in mind I went on a bit of an online shopping spree to stock up on some new fairway clobber that looked as far removed from the diamond jumper and slacks set as possible.

I’ll be honest, I haven’t got the right ‘build’ for the more designer kit out there – you need snake hips and pecks (not moobs) to pull the desired look off, which means I’m kinda out of luck. I need something a little more casual, something with a more relaxed fit if you know what I’m getting at? Ok, something to cover my ever-expanding gut!

Being a fussy sod I also wanted to steer away from the label encrusted gear that seems the norm in the golf world.

On the subject of labels, it was bad enough when company’s splashed their names all over you clothing but now they have started teaming up to do it. I noticed that recently TaylorMade and Adidas have teamed up to produce a range that is covered in logos – nice.

I like the idea of wearing stuff that isn’t the norm on the course without overstepping the all-important rules, which got me looking at brands I wouldn’t normally associate with golf.

One of these brands was Oakley who are more famous for their sunglasses and surf wear than their involvement in golf (although they do provide someone called Ricky Barnes (left) with his apparel).

A quick look at their range show plenty of casual polo shirts with subtle logos, less formal looking chino/Dockers/cargo type pants and stylish caps. It is the type of stuff you could wear away from the course without looking like you have just finished a round and haven’t had time to get changed. It is right up my street so I ordered a load of it!

The next time I’m at the local municipal I’m gonna look good, resplendent in my slacker-fit cargo pants and loose polo shirt safe in the knowledge that I have the appropriate attire on without a hint of knitwear, pastel slacks or logo infested caps. Oh yeah, and some of it isn’t even black!

84 - Golf Lesson (Write This Down)...

83 - Third Monday Rant - Tiger Woods 2010...

I’ve just read that the latest incarnation of EA’s Tiger Woods tailors the in game weather conditions to match those currently at the courses included in the game via the Weather Channel. Why? Why do I want to play a video game that mirrors the shitty weather outside? If I wanted to hack at a ball in something approaching a monsoon I’d just nip to the nearest municipal in the summer wearing my wellys.

Does anyone enjoy playing golf in rain with the wind howling? Maybe there are some masochists out there but who, hand on heart, would enjoy slashing their way around the Old Course at St Andrews with a 30mph wind from the North Sea dumping every drive into one of the billion B&B’s that surround the venue? Well now Tiger Woods 2010 lets you do just that from the comfort of your own living room. Pointless.

Also, you can buy the game for the Nintendo Wii bundled with a new dongle called Wii Motion Plus that plugs into the controller and increases the sensitivity of the controller so much it can detect that you have changed the angle of the club face to add things like draw/fade etc.

Again, why? The point of playing a video game is to have a bit of escapism not to replicate real world problems in front of a television. I can’t produce draw on the course so chances are I can’t on the game.

But wait, what if I practice and practice and practice until I can draw the ball at will on the game, surely I’ll be able to transfer that skill to the course as the game is so realistic? Yeah right. There is more chance of me getting a job as an oil boy at the next ‘Hollyoaks Babes’ calendar shoot (above) than that happening – and don’t call me Shirley.

Why do games producers feel the need to add crap like this? The obvious answer is that they think that more features equal a better a game but sometimes less is more. Instead of spending hundreds of hours perfecting these two new features why not include another course or two? I’d much rather play Royal Birkdale than have the life irritated out of my by digital drizzle as I slice the ball into the virtual sea.

82 - Quote/Unquote...

Tee the ball high. Because years of experience have shown me that air offers less resistance than dirt. - Jack Nicklaus

I plan to win so much money this year, my caddie's gonna finish in the Top 20 money winners. - Lee Trevino

The only thing that scares me (about the Ryder Cup) is the Americans' dress sense. - Mark James

If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't waste energy going back to pick it up. - Tommy Bolt

The safest place for spectators in celebrity tournaments is probably on the fairway. - Joe Garagiola

Golfers don't fist fight. They cuss a bit. But they wouldn't punch anything or anybody. They might hurt their hands and have to change their grip. - Dan Jenkins

Scotland is a peculiar land that is the birthplace of golf and sport salmon fishing, a fact which may explain why it is also the birthplace of whisky. - Henry Beard

Gay Brewer swings the club in a figure of eight. If you didn't know better, you'd swear he was trying to kill snakes. - Dave Hill

'Play It As It Lies' is one of the fundamental dictates of golf. The other one is 'Wear It If It Clashes'. - Henry Beard

We've had it easy. When it blows here (St Andrews), even the seagulls walk. - Nick Faldo

81 - 3, That's The Magic Number...

The problems I have been having with my driving have had me thinking – a lot. I’ve decided to use my MX-560 driver only on the range until I can wrestle a bit of accuracy out of it and am therefore forced to tee off with my hybrid for now. Not a perfect solution but the best I can come up with…or is it?

As normal when I have a problem in golf I obsess over it and hit the Internet and magazines hard! It seems that the best thing to do when your drives are wild is to simply use a different club. A few sites suggest the new fangled hybrids as they make hitting the ball long and straight a lot easier – something I can vouch for after using my £10 Howson on the driving range for a year.

Other less progressive sites suggest moving down the clubs and claim that a 3 wood will deliver most of the distance of a driver with the advantage of not being as difficult to control. Right, I’ll use my 3 wood from now on then…when it arrives. Oh yeah, I haven’t got one yet but it is on it’s way.

Continuing my obsession with Mizuno, I had a look around to see what was on offer from the Japanese golf wizards and found that they have just released the MX-700 Hot Metal wood. Fantastic reviews, as sexy as Scarlett Johansson (left) but a bit too pricey for me, even on eBay. I needed a quality alternative.

The MX-700 replaces the F-60, which was Mizuno’s darling of the tee/fairway until earlier this year. Logic dictates that, as there is a new, shiny club on the market the price of the old one should drop. Erm, no, it seems that being a decent piece of kit the price of the F-60 has stayed high (in fact it costs the same as the new MX-700 on some websites) so it was still too pricey.

Another dip into he murky world of eBay revealed yet more expensive clubs but also thrown into the mix were some second hand woods of varying quality. I made an offer of £30 for a slightly battered 3 wood that was going for £50 plus delivery. The seller rejected my offer and did me a favour in hindsight as the club looked abused and came without a head cover.

I was about to give up when I spotted a little cracker. A barely used F-60 with a stiff graphite shaft complete with a head cover going for just £35. I was tempted enough to put a maximum bid of £40 in to test the water. It was sufficient to win so I’m now the proud owner of a Mizuno F-60 3 wood.

I’m expecting good things from this club. I’m hoping for the distance of my MX-560 driver and the accuracy of my cheap Howson hybrid but I’ll bet anything that I just end up with another club that infuriates me to the point of expletives. I'll keep you informed.

80 - The Aches And Pains...

I’m writing this immediately after having my first session at the driving range in 6 months. I’m sore. My back is killing me, my calves are killing me, I can’t grip properly, I’m sweating and I’m knackered. Other than that I’m fine, actually I’m not. I’m a little disappointed as the session didn’t go as well as I hoped but on reflection I was probably being over ambitious.

I’ve been studying my books, poring over my game improvement supplements and practicing my grip at my desk ready for my trip to Aintree with Richie and it was mostly in vain. My shots were slicing like they were the first time I visited the range last August; it was like the last 12 months have been a complete waste of time.

Looking back at it though I can see a few positives. Although just about everything I hit with my driver curled majestically towards the right of the range the other clubs faired a bit better. Using my Howson recovery club produced more consistent and accurate results. I was able to drive the ball just as far as I could with my massive Mizuno MX560 driver with the bonus of it flying quite low and relatively straight.

Afterwards Richie asked why I would bother using my driver when I was getting better results with a cheap hybrid. It was a good question but I couldn’t give a good answer. I suppose the main reason is because I’m a vain sod who wants to be able to drive the ball effortlessly off the tee rather than see my Srixon scuttle its way down the fairway after being farted on by a poxy hybrid.

In hindsight I think it would be more beneficial in the long term to get some quick wins so I’m going to continue to hone my shots with the hybrid and try and wrestle some straight drives out of my driver as a secondary exercise.

It is better to be straight than long (no knob gags please, my ego has already taken a bashing tonight)

Another positive was my chipping. I only hit a few shots but it didn’t take me long to start lofting the ball high and straight at the target (which wasn’t the blue basket as they aren’t there anymore – gutted!) I took one of my new wedges and it was a hit with Richie who complimented its weight and feel. He is a lot better than me so it was reassuring to get a good second opinion from someone I trust.

The night ended on a high though with me fizzing a drive about 250 yards straight down the range. On the way down Daniel (Richie’s lad and my favourite vampire/Emo teenager) was telling me about the only time he played golf and how he spent an afternoon trying to recreate the famous Happy Gilmore drive (above) where you take a run at the ball and smash it off the tee. After a few goes I managed it with the last attempt being a bit special.

With my second to last ball I took a run up from another bay and, with a massive amount of luck, connected sweetly. It was easily my best shot with the driver all night, sailing straight and true through the balmy summer air eventually coming to rest a few yards from the back fence. Beautiful. The irony that my best shot came when I was messing about is not lost on me at all. This game is pretty tricky.

79 - The Big Dawg...

I’ve decided to buy a whole set of Mizuno clubs and I looked on with interest as the price of their MX-560 driver fell over the last few months. Originally it cost £300 but I found it at a number of online retailers for a lot less than that which tempted me more and more and in the end I took the plunge and bought it for just £78 delivered – an absolute bargain I reckon.

Looking through the magazines the reviewers love the MX-560. They praise it for being long and straight off the tee as well as mentioning over and over how easy it is to hit well. The only negative point is the noise it makes when you make a good connection – apparently it makes a really loud, high pitched ‘ting’ off the tee.

I read an article in Golf Whine Monthly about how certain drivers are so loud when they make a good connection that they can actually damage your hearing. Yeah right, a load of hysterical Daily Mail-esque bobbins I thought…until I tried my shiny, new driver at the range and ended up with a ringing in my ear like I’d been at the front of a music festival for three days.

A couple of half power warm up shots saw the ball fire off the club face into the driving range with a satisfying ping, no sign of the dreaded, deafness inducing racket reported. Safe in the knowledge that there was nothing to worry about I smashed the living daylights out of the ball and then had the ‘pleasure’ of having my eardrums almost explode from the metallic whine that came from the club head.

I now understand what the reviewers were talking about when they complained about the noise. It seems, in the confined space of the driving range bay, the problem is literally amplified making each shot a painful experience (and not just because my hideous slice is so bad that I’m debating teeing off at a 45* angle to the left of the fairway in the vain hope of taking my second shot from somewhere other than the rough).

Sound apart, the club is fantastic. The head looks massive at address but comparing it to other drivers it is about average size wise. I know that it shouldn’t really matter what a club looks like but I’m as shallow as a pygmy’s paddling pool so aesthetics are a big factor in whether I buy a bat or not. Thankfully the MX-560 is a hansom brute, finished in metallic navy blue (above) with a funky polished silver sole. The head cover is good too, more blue which I approve of…

It is one of the easiest woods I have used although my experience is a little limited if I’m being honest having only swung a handful of drivers in my short and frustration filled golfing career. The size of the head, coupled with the flexible shaft option fitted means that big, lazy swings produce an impressive amount of height and distance. With a bit of concentration I could even get the ball to fly almost straight on occasions!

Overall I’m impressed with the ‘Big Dawg’ and once I learn how to stop my tee shots from turning right off the face I think it will be a valuable weapon in my ongoing war with the game of golf.