Tuesday, 28 July 2009
Monday, 27 July 2009
77 - Second Monday Rant - The Arms Race…
If you look through golf magazines they give a disproportionate amount of column inches to drivers in my opinion. If for example Callaway put a new groove in the sole of their latest driver it is front-page stuff with a comment in the editors piece and a whole spread hastily assembled showing why this groove will revolutionise your game. Tosh.
I’m convinced that most of the ‘developments’ dreamt up by the equipment manufacturers make absolutely no difference whatsoever to the average muni-hacker. The only reason there is a change is to convince us mugs to part with £250 a year for a club that, on the whole, performs exactly the same as the one we already have. There are exceptions to this rule though.
Nike has recently brought out the STR8-FIT adjustable driver that can be configured eight different ways to force the ball to hook or slice (below). Not to be out done in the driver arms race, TaylorMade have released the all new R9 which has movable weights and an adjustable shaft which, like the Nike club, forces the ball to bend one way or the other from the tee.
I’m all for anything that makes golf easier but where do we draw the line? With these drivers it is possible to hit the ball straighter and further despite not actually being a better player.
Now 28ers can smash the ball 250 yards up the fairway as straight as a die after picking up the game just a few months before. Those with handicaps in the teens unwilling to spend a fortune on the new drivers will struggle to keep up off the tee.
I know that there is more to golf than driving but mastering that first shot is one of the fundamentals of the game. The new breed of adjustable clubs makes the tee shot that bit easier thus giving the advantage to people willing to shell out the sort of money usually used to buy a set of irons on just one driver. Why not go the whole hog and pay someone to hit the ball for you?
Surely it would be better to spend the £300 (the price of the STR8-FIT and R9) on lessons from a pro to help hit the ball properly rather than just go out and buy the latest technological gimmick? For that kind of cash the pro would be able to look at not only your driving but your iron shots, short game and putting too. To me that is a much better use of the cash but the problem is that we live in a society where shortcuts, workarounds and quick fixes are the norm.
Soon we won’t even play golf, we’ll simply reach for the Wii controller and hit perfect shot after perfect shot. No doubt Nike and TaylorMade will then come up with a £300 controller incorporating ‘revolutionary technology’ that will allow us to undo the last shot until we are happy. Is that really progress?
I’m convinced that most of the ‘developments’ dreamt up by the equipment manufacturers make absolutely no difference whatsoever to the average muni-hacker. The only reason there is a change is to convince us mugs to part with £250 a year for a club that, on the whole, performs exactly the same as the one we already have. There are exceptions to this rule though.
Nike has recently brought out the STR8-FIT adjustable driver that can be configured eight different ways to force the ball to hook or slice (below). Not to be out done in the driver arms race, TaylorMade have released the all new R9 which has movable weights and an adjustable shaft which, like the Nike club, forces the ball to bend one way or the other from the tee.
I’m all for anything that makes golf easier but where do we draw the line? With these drivers it is possible to hit the ball straighter and further despite not actually being a better player. Now 28ers can smash the ball 250 yards up the fairway as straight as a die after picking up the game just a few months before. Those with handicaps in the teens unwilling to spend a fortune on the new drivers will struggle to keep up off the tee.
I know that there is more to golf than driving but mastering that first shot is one of the fundamentals of the game. The new breed of adjustable clubs makes the tee shot that bit easier thus giving the advantage to people willing to shell out the sort of money usually used to buy a set of irons on just one driver. Why not go the whole hog and pay someone to hit the ball for you?
Surely it would be better to spend the £300 (the price of the STR8-FIT and R9) on lessons from a pro to help hit the ball properly rather than just go out and buy the latest technological gimmick? For that kind of cash the pro would be able to look at not only your driving but your iron shots, short game and putting too. To me that is a much better use of the cash but the problem is that we live in a society where shortcuts, workarounds and quick fixes are the norm.
Soon we won’t even play golf, we’ll simply reach for the Wii controller and hit perfect shot after perfect shot. No doubt Nike and TaylorMade will then come up with a £300 controller incorporating ‘revolutionary technology’ that will allow us to undo the last shot until we are happy. Is that really progress?
Saturday, 25 July 2009
76 - Quote/Unquote...
The fun you get from golf is in direct ratio to the effort you don't put into it - Bob Allen
"I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced." - Lee Trevino
"Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at." - Jimmy Demaret
"Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour." - Unknown
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. - Phyllis Diller
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. - Jack Benny
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs. - Henny Youngman
Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much. - Buddy Hackett
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. - Dave Barry
John Daly's driving is unbelievable. I don't go that far on my holidays. - Ian Baker-Finch
"I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced." - Lee Trevino
"Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at." - Jimmy Demaret
"Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour." - Unknown
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. - Phyllis Diller
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. - Jack Benny
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs. - Henny Youngman
Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much. - Buddy Hackett
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. - Dave Barry
John Daly's driving is unbelievable. I don't go that far on my holidays. - Ian Baker-Finch
Friday, 24 July 2009
75 - We Are The Goon Squad...
There were many sniggers and snide remarks from the pundits covering the Open at Turnberry this year when John Daly stepped onto the first tee in an outfit so loud that they probably burnt the retinas of any spectator who was unfortunate enough to glance at his legs (below). Anyone who saw the big man strutting down the fairways in his Loudmouth Golf clothes won’t forget it in a hurry.
Although his attire was a little extreme I salute Daly for not taking the dress code so seriously, I salute anyone who sticks it to the man. That is not to say I think anything can be worn on the golf course, far from it, I just think that if golf is to move away from the perception that it’s elitist and snobby there needs to be a change in attitudes from the old guard.
Ok, I get that jeans are a no no on the course but why for example, if wearing shorts, must players also wear knee length socks (a rule I saw recently at a private course)? Surely players are wearing shorts to keep cool – something that is negated with the addition of 2 foot of gleaming white terry-towlling sports socks!
I’ll admit that seeing people on municipal’s in an England shirt, tracksuit bottoms and a pair of Reebok Classics winds me up but is it the worse thing in the golfing world? (What does make me laugh about these ‘rule breakers’ is that they can’t find the cash for a pair of proper golf shoes but they will have a bag full of Ping clubs and will be firing Titleist Pro V1’s up the fairway. Hmmm…)
I agree with DJ Chris Evans who said he likes playing golf he just doesn’t like looking like a golfer. I don’t like the Lyle & Scott v-neck pullover brigade who march up and down the fairways checking everyone else out like a cranky headmaster, tutting at players wearing garish coloured polo shirts, fashionable tailored pants and designer shoes with matching bling belts. It is as if they expect players to dress like extras from 70’s sitcom Terry & June.
Big manufacturers like Nike and Adidas have made great strides in producing more fashionable golf clothes while the likes of Stromberg, Oscar Jacobson and J Lindeberg make stuff that could be worn in the coolest of bars as well as at the local track. So why should there be frowns from the Ronnie Corbett-a-likes if some young buck turns up in a pair of Ian Poulter’s Union Jack pants?
If the dress code was relaxed slightly and the attitude towards non-traditional clothes changed for the better I’m convinced more young people would be interested in joining private clubs and societies. Young men love posing and some of the premium clothing available lets them do just that as they strut up the fairway like a golfing peacocks.
To stay alive every sport needs to evolve but golf won’t move forward if the blazer and tie types put barriers in front of potential new players because of the way they dress. I think it is time for the old to embrace the new and update their attitudes. After all, golf is a great game that should be enjoyed by everyone even if they decide to turn up looking like John Daly.
Although his attire was a little extreme I salute Daly for not taking the dress code so seriously, I salute anyone who sticks it to the man. That is not to say I think anything can be worn on the golf course, far from it, I just think that if golf is to move away from the perception that it’s elitist and snobby there needs to be a change in attitudes from the old guard.
Ok, I get that jeans are a no no on the course but why for example, if wearing shorts, must players also wear knee length socks (a rule I saw recently at a private course)? Surely players are wearing shorts to keep cool – something that is negated with the addition of 2 foot of gleaming white terry-towlling sports socks!
I’ll admit that seeing people on municipal’s in an England shirt, tracksuit bottoms and a pair of Reebok Classics winds me up but is it the worse thing in the golfing world? (What does make me laugh about these ‘rule breakers’ is that they can’t find the cash for a pair of proper golf shoes but they will have a bag full of Ping clubs and will be firing Titleist Pro V1’s up the fairway. Hmmm…)I agree with DJ Chris Evans who said he likes playing golf he just doesn’t like looking like a golfer. I don’t like the Lyle & Scott v-neck pullover brigade who march up and down the fairways checking everyone else out like a cranky headmaster, tutting at players wearing garish coloured polo shirts, fashionable tailored pants and designer shoes with matching bling belts. It is as if they expect players to dress like extras from 70’s sitcom Terry & June.
Big manufacturers like Nike and Adidas have made great strides in producing more fashionable golf clothes while the likes of Stromberg, Oscar Jacobson and J Lindeberg make stuff that could be worn in the coolest of bars as well as at the local track. So why should there be frowns from the Ronnie Corbett-a-likes if some young buck turns up in a pair of Ian Poulter’s Union Jack pants?
If the dress code was relaxed slightly and the attitude towards non-traditional clothes changed for the better I’m convinced more young people would be interested in joining private clubs and societies. Young men love posing and some of the premium clothing available lets them do just that as they strut up the fairway like a golfing peacocks.
To stay alive every sport needs to evolve but golf won’t move forward if the blazer and tie types put barriers in front of potential new players because of the way they dress. I think it is time for the old to embrace the new and update their attitudes. After all, golf is a great game that should be enjoyed by everyone even if they decide to turn up looking like John Daly.
Thursday, 23 July 2009
74 - Ten Times Better...
So the 138th Open took place at Turnberry this year. For those that don’t know, the course is on the west cost of Scotland around 30 minutes drive south from Glasgow – easily reachable from Liverpool (I’ve lost count of the number of times I have driven to the ‘Second City of the Empire’, nice journey once you pass Carlisle) which got me thinking, could the likes of me play at this iconic course?
A quick look on the internet shows that, depending on what time of year it is, you can turn up with your tatty Hippo bag filled with mongrel clubs, some second chance Titleist’s and play for as little as £100. Initially, that sounds quite expensive considering it is just £10 to play the local municipal, so is Turnberry 10 times better than the local track? Well yes, I guess it is.
The blurb on the official site says “For those to whom golf is a religion, Turnberry is a cathedral” and they are probably right. The resort is one of those awe inspiring, magical places that you imagine should always be played at first light with a slight mist on the fairways. It is steeped in history and legend and is widely regarded as being one of the best links courses on the planet, being graced by some of the best players in the world.
Conversely, your average municipal is a series of shaved fields dumped on the outskirts of a town on a site that used to be a munitions factory in the 1940’s. The most famous person to ever head down those fairways was ‘Johno’ in a robbed Renault Clio Sport and he was more infamous than famous. He was on TV though - Crimewatch.
Hmmm, hard to separate the two isn’t it?
One of the great things about golf is that any Tom, Dick or Harry can play the same course as your Tiger’s, Padraig’s and Sergio’s. What other sport gives a complete novice a chance at playing one of the iconic venues of the sport? Fancy a kick about at Wembley? No chance. A quick rally at Wimbledon? I don’t think so. A spot of army golf at the venue for this years Open? Certainly! Give us your ton, the first tee is over there…
Playing the famous courses around Britain is one of my golfing ambitions (along with driving the ball straight and long). With a lot of practice, a few bob in my account and a bit of planning I can achieve this ambition, something I could never do in the likes of football, tennis, cricket or rugby. In the meantime I’m going to continue to hone my skills on the converted waste grounds that litter Merseyside.
A quick look on the internet shows that, depending on what time of year it is, you can turn up with your tatty Hippo bag filled with mongrel clubs, some second chance Titleist’s and play for as little as £100. Initially, that sounds quite expensive considering it is just £10 to play the local municipal, so is Turnberry 10 times better than the local track? Well yes, I guess it is.
The blurb on the official site says “For those to whom golf is a religion, Turnberry is a cathedral” and they are probably right. The resort is one of those awe inspiring, magical places that you imagine should always be played at first light with a slight mist on the fairways. It is steeped in history and legend and is widely regarded as being one of the best links courses on the planet, being graced by some of the best players in the world.
Conversely, your average municipal is a series of shaved fields dumped on the outskirts of a town on a site that used to be a munitions factory in the 1940’s. The most famous person to ever head down those fairways was ‘Johno’ in a robbed Renault Clio Sport and he was more infamous than famous. He was on TV though - Crimewatch. Hmmm, hard to separate the two isn’t it?
One of the great things about golf is that any Tom, Dick or Harry can play the same course as your Tiger’s, Padraig’s and Sergio’s. What other sport gives a complete novice a chance at playing one of the iconic venues of the sport? Fancy a kick about at Wembley? No chance. A quick rally at Wimbledon? I don’t think so. A spot of army golf at the venue for this years Open? Certainly! Give us your ton, the first tee is over there…
Playing the famous courses around Britain is one of my golfing ambitions (along with driving the ball straight and long). With a lot of practice, a few bob in my account and a bit of planning I can achieve this ambition, something I could never do in the likes of football, tennis, cricket or rugby. In the meantime I’m going to continue to hone my skills on the converted waste grounds that litter Merseyside.
Wednesday, 22 July 2009
73 - Chip Around The Clock...
I love wedges; I think they are some of the sexiest pieces of golf kit on the market right now. They are some of the most lovingly created tools in your bag (to me woods, hybrids and clubs can be exercises in engineering these days) yet wedges haven’t changed much in design over the years. Look at this years offering from Callaway and it won’t be a million miles from the wedge released 10 years ago and the one 10 years before that.
Technological advances in chippers seem to be cutting slightly different shaped grooves (which will soon be banned) or adding a swirling pattern to the face. None of this multi-composite materials malarkey, no lowering the centre of gravity, none of this increasing the MOI tomfoolery just a classic shape, good quality metals and plenty of that illusive feel the magazines talk about so much.
But a quick look at any online store will show there are so many different wedges out there and how come some stand out more than others? All the big manufactures produce a wedge to compliment their range and I’m sure they all perform admirably but there are a few clubs that seem to rank higher than others.
Titleist, TaylorMade, Callaway and Cleveland are renowned for their wedges as are my favourite manufacturer Mizuno. The Titleist Vokey is arguably the right now delivering tour standard spin and control with the rest of the field hot on it’s beautifully crafter heels. I came close to buying an Oil Can finished Vokey a few months ago but I had a bit of a run in with Acushnet – the parent company who own Titleist and FootJoy – so I boycotted them.
Instead I turned to Mizuno who, after a bit of research, are apparently famed for producing quality wedges that deliver bags of feel. Perfect for an international ball chipping legend like me! Ahem. I purchased three wedges via the internet saving myself around £160 on the RRP and, from my limited experience and testing, they are mint.
I’ve got two MP-R Series wedges and an MP-T Series. The difference between the R and the T is the shape. R stands for round and, as the name suggests, the face is bigger and slightly more rounded to give more flexibility and make it easier to hit better shots. The T stands for teardrop and it is a more traditional, classically shaped wedge.
The MP-R’s are 50* and 56* and are finished in Black-Ni (above)which gives the club a sort of gunmetal finish that is claimed to reduce glare when used on sunny day and makes the club look fantastic. The MP-T is 58* and has what Mizuno call Raw Haze finish (below). Basically it looks like it has started rusting straight out of the box (it will rust for real over time to increase spin) – it is stunning I reckon.
Both are gorgeous, both are useless to me at the moment as I can’t use them properly. This will change soon though as I’ve been onto Richie who has confirmed he will be happy to help me get my ‘A game’ on using a method he read where you break the chipping stoke into three zones with the average distances are calculated to help distance control. I like the sound of this; it arouses the engineer in me.
So how does it work? Each wedge is swung to a set distance which is equated to three times on a clock. Imagine that when the club is sat behind the ball it is at 6 o’clock (straight down on the clock face). The first swing sees the club is drawn back to 7 o’clock, the second 9 o’clock and the last one 11 o’clock to produce three levels of swing and therefore three different chip distances (still with me?)
The idea is that I focus on just three chips and then simply use a different wedge to produce different distance results. Once the distances are mapped with each wedge I should be able to predict roughly where the ball should go thus taking some of the guess work out of chipping.
Obviously there will be more to it than that as there are a lot of other variables like lie, weather, type of shot needed etc but having a pretty good idea of where the ball should land will be one less thing to worry about. That is the theory anyway; I’ll give you all an update of what happened once I attempted to put this into practice.
Technological advances in chippers seem to be cutting slightly different shaped grooves (which will soon be banned) or adding a swirling pattern to the face. None of this multi-composite materials malarkey, no lowering the centre of gravity, none of this increasing the MOI tomfoolery just a classic shape, good quality metals and plenty of that illusive feel the magazines talk about so much.
But a quick look at any online store will show there are so many different wedges out there and how come some stand out more than others? All the big manufactures produce a wedge to compliment their range and I’m sure they all perform admirably but there are a few clubs that seem to rank higher than others. Titleist, TaylorMade, Callaway and Cleveland are renowned for their wedges as are my favourite manufacturer Mizuno. The Titleist Vokey is arguably the right now delivering tour standard spin and control with the rest of the field hot on it’s beautifully crafter heels. I came close to buying an Oil Can finished Vokey a few months ago but I had a bit of a run in with Acushnet – the parent company who own Titleist and FootJoy – so I boycotted them.
Instead I turned to Mizuno who, after a bit of research, are apparently famed for producing quality wedges that deliver bags of feel. Perfect for an international ball chipping legend like me! Ahem. I purchased three wedges via the internet saving myself around £160 on the RRP and, from my limited experience and testing, they are mint.
I’ve got two MP-R Series wedges and an MP-T Series. The difference between the R and the T is the shape. R stands for round and, as the name suggests, the face is bigger and slightly more rounded to give more flexibility and make it easier to hit better shots. The T stands for teardrop and it is a more traditional, classically shaped wedge.
The MP-R’s are 50* and 56* and are finished in Black-Ni (above)which gives the club a sort of gunmetal finish that is claimed to reduce glare when used on sunny day and makes the club look fantastic. The MP-T is 58* and has what Mizuno call Raw Haze finish (below). Basically it looks like it has started rusting straight out of the box (it will rust for real over time to increase spin) – it is stunning I reckon.
Both are gorgeous, both are useless to me at the moment as I can’t use them properly. This will change soon though as I’ve been onto Richie who has confirmed he will be happy to help me get my ‘A game’ on using a method he read where you break the chipping stoke into three zones with the average distances are calculated to help distance control. I like the sound of this; it arouses the engineer in me.So how does it work? Each wedge is swung to a set distance which is equated to three times on a clock. Imagine that when the club is sat behind the ball it is at 6 o’clock (straight down on the clock face). The first swing sees the club is drawn back to 7 o’clock, the second 9 o’clock and the last one 11 o’clock to produce three levels of swing and therefore three different chip distances (still with me?)
The idea is that I focus on just three chips and then simply use a different wedge to produce different distance results. Once the distances are mapped with each wedge I should be able to predict roughly where the ball should go thus taking some of the guess work out of chipping.
Obviously there will be more to it than that as there are a lot of other variables like lie, weather, type of shot needed etc but having a pretty good idea of where the ball should land will be one less thing to worry about. That is the theory anyway; I’ll give you all an update of what happened once I attempted to put this into practice.
Tuesday, 21 July 2009
72 - The True Cack In Black...
The regular visitor to this site will know that rather than wait for the media to give me a hip nickname I decided to christen myself. I settled upon ‘The Cack in Black’ in honour of my ability and the hue of the attire I wear most of the time on the course. It is a fitting and catchy nickname that I was certain no-one else would use but watching Tiger Woods playing in The Open on Friday has made me wonder.
Anyone who saw Woods on the first two days of the tournament would have been amazed at the disjointed, petulant and sometimes frankly embarrassing display by the man who has been so good for so long. Since returning from his knee surgery he has looked a shadow of the player who dominated the sport for the last decade.
On Friday, dressed from top to toe in black (right), the most famous golfer on the planet did his best impression of this muni-hacker as he found the rough with unerring consistency.
He also screamed, slammed his clubs into ground and looked for all the world like he would rather be sat in the hotel playing the latest EA game bearing his name.
After a round where he missed a lot of fairways he managed to find the chauffer driven car waiting for him with ease and didn’t bother hang around to get confirmation that he had missed the cut at 5 over. It was a sad sight and left me a little disappointed, not only because I want to see the best players playing the best golf at the best courses but also because the great man is getting dangerously close to stealing my moniker.
I’m the original ‘Cack in Black’ and don’t take kindly to upstarts like Tiger Woods trying to muscle in on my action. Be warned Woods, my team of poorly trained, barely literate lawyers are ready to spring into action faster than one of your drives into the wilds of the Ayrshire countryside! You have been warned!!!
Anyone who saw Woods on the first two days of the tournament would have been amazed at the disjointed, petulant and sometimes frankly embarrassing display by the man who has been so good for so long. Since returning from his knee surgery he has looked a shadow of the player who dominated the sport for the last decade.
On Friday, dressed from top to toe in black (right), the most famous golfer on the planet did his best impression of this muni-hacker as he found the rough with unerring consistency. He also screamed, slammed his clubs into ground and looked for all the world like he would rather be sat in the hotel playing the latest EA game bearing his name.
After a round where he missed a lot of fairways he managed to find the chauffer driven car waiting for him with ease and didn’t bother hang around to get confirmation that he had missed the cut at 5 over. It was a sad sight and left me a little disappointed, not only because I want to see the best players playing the best golf at the best courses but also because the great man is getting dangerously close to stealing my moniker.
I’m the original ‘Cack in Black’ and don’t take kindly to upstarts like Tiger Woods trying to muscle in on my action. Be warned Woods, my team of poorly trained, barely literate lawyers are ready to spring into action faster than one of your drives into the wilds of the Ayrshire countryside! You have been warned!!!
Monday, 20 July 2009
71 - First Monday Rant - Mobile Phones On The Course...
Why do people feel the need to bring mobile phones onto the golf course? There is the constant stopping, fidgeting in the bag or pocket to find the damn thing and checking if you have been sent any ‘hilarious’ jokes about the latest celebrity death. The constant stop-start is infuriatingly annoying and very bad mannered. In the past it has taken all my strength not to bury a 3 iron in someone’s head because of this behaviour.
Watching your partners fart about with their phone to check their texts on every tee is annoying but nowhere as bad as when they stop every five minutes to talk to their wife/girlfriend/pimp. This behaviour makes my blood boil, sees the red mist descend and threatens to bring out the latent serial killer tendencies that are buried deep within my walnut sized brain.
Every third shot they are yakking on their phone about some inane crap that could easily have waited until after the round, every third shot they are complaining about the other person breaking up because the signal is bad. The reason the signal is bad is because there are no phone masts on a course. The reason there are no masts is because you shouldn’t be using a sodding phone when playing golf!!!
Seriously, can you think of anything more annoying than weighing up your next shot, selecting the right club, lining it up, calculating how much power to use, starting your back swing then hearing a tinny version of ‘Poker Face’ by Lady Gaga squawking across the fairway from your mates pocket? I don’t want to hear the strangled vocals of that camel faced bint at the best of times but when I’m about to take a shot it is like a red rag to a bull.
Using a mobile phone on the golf course should be as frowned upon as much as it is when driving but the punishment should be more severe – castration for example. Too much? Ok, how about an 18 shot penalty and buying a round of drinks for everyone in the group? People would ensure they left their phone in the car if they ruled themselves out of winning any of the weekly medals with added bonus of a £20 bar bill after each round.
I’m not a good golfer by any stretch of the imagination so the last thing I need is any distraction robbing me of what little concentration I can muster. Mobile phones are not only an annoyance but the switch that can turn me from a reasonable human being into a cup of full strength, quadruple caffeinated, piping hot crazy.
Watching your partners fart about with their phone to check their texts on every tee is annoying but nowhere as bad as when they stop every five minutes to talk to their wife/girlfriend/pimp. This behaviour makes my blood boil, sees the red mist descend and threatens to bring out the latent serial killer tendencies that are buried deep within my walnut sized brain.
Every third shot they are yakking on their phone about some inane crap that could easily have waited until after the round, every third shot they are complaining about the other person breaking up because the signal is bad. The reason the signal is bad is because there are no phone masts on a course. The reason there are no masts is because you shouldn’t be using a sodding phone when playing golf!!!Seriously, can you think of anything more annoying than weighing up your next shot, selecting the right club, lining it up, calculating how much power to use, starting your back swing then hearing a tinny version of ‘Poker Face’ by Lady Gaga squawking across the fairway from your mates pocket? I don’t want to hear the strangled vocals of that camel faced bint at the best of times but when I’m about to take a shot it is like a red rag to a bull.
Using a mobile phone on the golf course should be as frowned upon as much as it is when driving but the punishment should be more severe – castration for example. Too much? Ok, how about an 18 shot penalty and buying a round of drinks for everyone in the group? People would ensure they left their phone in the car if they ruled themselves out of winning any of the weekly medals with added bonus of a £20 bar bill after each round.
I’m not a good golfer by any stretch of the imagination so the last thing I need is any distraction robbing me of what little concentration I can muster. Mobile phones are not only an annoyance but the switch that can turn me from a reasonable human being into a cup of full strength, quadruple caffeinated, piping hot crazy.
Sunday, 19 July 2009
70 - Here We Go Again...
Right, so what have I been up to over the last few months? Not a lot to be honest. I’ve been reading golf magazines, buying golf books, watching golf in glorious HD-o-vision and buying the odd product from the ever increasingly competitive online stores (I’m looking at you onlinegolf.co.uk). You may have noticed I haven’t actually mentioned playing golf, this wasn’t an accidental omission; I haven’t swung a wrench in months.
I’ve decided to make a conscious effort to return to the driving range to work on my basics, as I know I’ll be rustier than the face of a well-used Oil Can Vokey. One of the many magazines I obsess over had a three-part supplement set designed to help get your score down focussing on the fundamental elements of golf – things like ensuring you have the correct grip etc and I’m going to work through them methodically.
Once I learn how to actually hit a ball again with my driver and irons I’m getting on field with Terry and Richie and I’m going to learn how to chip properly (I find it difficult to practice chipping on the mats at the driving range – end up with my fillings coming out after each juddering impact). When I get a bit more comfortable with chipping I’m getting down to my local municipal and hitting the course hard. I know I have said this before but I’m determined to do it this time.
I want a new set of clubs but I’m not buying them until I can use the set I’ve got now. I have got the cash there, ready to splash and I might make the trip to the driving range at Fiddlers Ferry as the guy at the pro shop there offered me a decent deal on the clubs I was after the last time I spoke to him (January) so I might see what he can do for me now that the economy is on its knees and no-one is spending any money.
Last time he offered me a free wedge but I had already bought myself one, then he tried to tempt me with money off a gorgeous Bettinardi putter but I’ve since sorted myself out with one of those too (more news on this later) so he’ll have to think of something else out, a bag possibly?
Right, so that is my plan. I’m going to try to stick to it as I’ve got most of the gear but no idea. I desperately want to be better at this game but I don’t progress quickly enough which means I get disheartened and give up. I thought golf was supposed to be a relaxing sport; it just stresses me out most of the time!!!
I’ve decided to make a conscious effort to return to the driving range to work on my basics, as I know I’ll be rustier than the face of a well-used Oil Can Vokey. One of the many magazines I obsess over had a three-part supplement set designed to help get your score down focussing on the fundamental elements of golf – things like ensuring you have the correct grip etc and I’m going to work through them methodically.
Once I learn how to actually hit a ball again with my driver and irons I’m getting on field with Terry and Richie and I’m going to learn how to chip properly (I find it difficult to practice chipping on the mats at the driving range – end up with my fillings coming out after each juddering impact). When I get a bit more comfortable with chipping I’m getting down to my local municipal and hitting the course hard. I know I have said this before but I’m determined to do it this time.
I want a new set of clubs but I’m not buying them until I can use the set I’ve got now. I have got the cash there, ready to splash and I might make the trip to the driving range at Fiddlers Ferry as the guy at the pro shop there offered me a decent deal on the clubs I was after the last time I spoke to him (January) so I might see what he can do for me now that the economy is on its knees and no-one is spending any money.
Last time he offered me a free wedge but I had already bought myself one, then he tried to tempt me with money off a gorgeous Bettinardi putter but I’ve since sorted myself out with one of those too (more news on this later) so he’ll have to think of something else out, a bag possibly?
Right, so that is my plan. I’m going to try to stick to it as I’ve got most of the gear but no idea. I desperately want to be better at this game but I don’t progress quickly enough which means I get disheartened and give up. I thought golf was supposed to be a relaxing sport; it just stresses me out most of the time!!!
Saturday, 18 July 2009
69 - Quote/Unquote...
"One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said." - US Open TV Commentator
"You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work." - Lee Trevino
For most amateurs the best wood in the bag is the pencil. - Chi Chi Rodriguez
"The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music." - "Silk Stockings" TV Show
Golf combines two favourite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with sticks. - P. J. O'Rourke
I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf will. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you can get so sore at yourself that you forget to hate you enemies. - Will Rogers, humorist (1879-1935)
Golf is like an 18-year-old girl with the big boobs. You know it's wrong but you can't keep away from her. - Val Doonican
The fun you get from golf is in direct ratio to the effort you don't put into it. - Bob Allen
Watching a golf tournament is different from attending other sports arenas. For one thing, the drunks are spread out in a larger area. - Don Wade
Golf is best understood as a series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle. - Anon
"You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work." - Lee Trevino
For most amateurs the best wood in the bag is the pencil. - Chi Chi Rodriguez
"The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music." - "Silk Stockings" TV Show
Golf combines two favourite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with sticks. - P. J. O'Rourke
I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf will. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you can get so sore at yourself that you forget to hate you enemies. - Will Rogers, humorist (1879-1935)
Golf is like an 18-year-old girl with the big boobs. You know it's wrong but you can't keep away from her. - Val Doonican
The fun you get from golf is in direct ratio to the effort you don't put into it. - Bob Allen
Watching a golf tournament is different from attending other sports arenas. For one thing, the drunks are spread out in a larger area. - Don Wade
Golf is best understood as a series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle. - Anon
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